Gratuitous Video – Jay Cutler Channels What Pretty Much Every Bears’ Fan Wants To Say To Mike Martz

Behind the curtain.

 

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Daniela Pestova is 41 today. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Paul Simon turns flippin’ 70 today.  He still has it, as evidenced by his decent + recent So Beautiful Or So What album.

 

Check out Simon Live In Osaka, 1974.  Good stuff.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Susan Sarandon, decent actress and mildly irritating Hollywood liberal, was born a MILF in New York on this day in 1946.  She has starred in such films as Igby Goes Down and Bull Durham.  She is married to Andy Dufresne.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Ashlee Simpson. Born October 3, 1984 in Waco, Texas (imagine that) to some woman and a weirdly inappropriate father.

Here’s her best work.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Quick, name a living photographer.  No, not the spectacled co-worker you follow on instagram who uses the cool sepia tones. Someone famous. Like the Wyclef Jean of photography.

Happy birthday Annie Liebvowitz. She turns 62 today, and yes, Wyclef Jean is the Annie Lebvowitz of famous Haitians.

Here’s her best work:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Zach Galifianakis is having a birthday today. He is 42.

The nerve of this guy! He’s everywhere these days. Like a female Jane Lynch.  Well anyway, happy birthday, Galifianakis. “Mark it under, ‘Who gives a shit?'”

 

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Eric Piatkowski (41).  Watch. How. Pike. Fly.

 

Mascot Dong Costume Now Available For Some Alpha Furry To Purchase

The Amarillo Sox got a new costume for their mascot the other night. It lasted one evening…

 

Pick it up on EBay – Starting Bid $5,000.  

In Real Life, Weekend At Bernie’s Isn’t Quite As Light-Hearted

What would you do if you found your friend dead on the couch?

• A. Call 9-1-1.
• B. Steal his shoes and gold fillings.
• C. Display natural human emotions such as fear/sadness.
• D. Shave his eyebrows and draw on him with permanent marker.
• E. Criminally recreate one of history’s most often-referenced-without-having-viewed movies.

Here you go.

Young, aka, "The Brains"

Then, on Aug. 27, Young arrived around 11 p.m. at Jarrett’s southeast Denver home in the 1800 block of South Forest Street and found him unresponsive. Rather than calling 911, he went to the restaurant where Rubinson works, according to court documents.

A search warrant affidavit filed in the case outlines the rest of the night:

The pair returned to Jarrett’s home, loaded him into Rubinson’s Lincoln Navigator and took him to Teddy T’s bar and grill. Jarrett’s body remained in the backseat while the pair drank on his tab.

Teddy T’s – Where every Saturday is Ladies’/Corpse Night!

They next stopped at Sam’s No. 3 before dropping off Jarrett’s body back at his home. But they kept the ATM card.

Rubinson, aka, "The Rainmaker"

Next stop was a meal at Viva Burrito, and then they somehow withdrew $400 at Shotgun Willie’s, remaining at the Glendale strip club until closing time, Ford writes. It’s not clear from the documents if the pair had Jarrett’s ATM code.

Around 4 a.m. authorities say the pair flagged down a Glendale police officer and told him that Jarrett might be dead back at his house.

…Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

So how did they use the ATM card?? Through diligent efforts of Law Enforcement, I hope the secrets of this diabolical pair are exposed, and our American corpses are left to rot in peace.  This money was supposed to go to the guy’s family…and/or a pointless Tebow billboard.

Gratuitous Video – Awesome Newscaster Mocks Fame Whores

No Ernie Anastos but I smell Peabody…

Can’t Spell “Secession” Without “S.E.C”

When the LSU Tigers host a college football game, there are obligatory camera shots: the band, the co-eds, kitschy Cajun shit, and the mascot, Mike The Tiger – a live Bengal Tiger who loves hearing the screams of 90,000 drunk fans.

Mike The Tiger, though native of South Asia, always looks miserable in his makeshift Baton Rouge habitat.  It’s not the cage, it’s the humidity.

5th Generation Tiger

However, though the Mascot is etched in LSU’s tradition, it’s not where the school’s nickname came from.  They are instead named for a cutthroat battalion of Confederate troops. Shocker.

The Tigers were just a small subset of the 12,000 Louisiana soldiers in Virginia in 1861. Most were decent, God-fearing men who served their state honorably. But there were enough criminals and drunkards mixed in to give the entire state’s contribution a bad reputation. The good were lumped together with the bad, and because Wheat’s Tiger Battalion was the most infamous, all became known as the Louisiana Tigers…

Trouble began anew not long after Colonel de Choiseul assumed command of Wheat’s Battalion, when, as he said, “the whole set got royally drunk.” That day an inebriated soldier twice snapped his loaded musket at the colonel’s orderly outside his tent, but the gun failed to discharge and the man was subdued. Later in the day unknown Tigers (Jordan Jefferson + Co.?) succeeded in “knocking down & badly beating & robbing … a washerwoman of the battalion in a thicket not a hundred yards from the guard house.” That night a free-for-all at the guard tent woke the colonel. With pistol in hand, he found the guards battling seven or eight Tigers who were trying to free some of their comrades. De Choiseul slugged one man who charged at him and finally restored order “with seven or eight beauties bucked & gagged in the guard tent.”

Complete article is pretty good if you love Civil War History.

As for LSU? They’re laying the 3.5 on the road tonight against the Mississippi State Bulldogs, named of course after Mississippi’s less effective Bumbling Bulldog Battalion, annihilated at Vicksburg and labeled as such for their genetic defects, demodetic mange, hip dysplasia and heart problems.

What A Waste Of City Res – Awwwwwwww… :)

Remember: It's always the one you least expect.

Here’s a nice story. Government and the citizenry working together to help those water fowl most in need (at least until their mother disowns them for carrying the suffocating stench of humanity). No, just kidding. Everything’s going to be ok.

[It started at] 7:30 p.m. when Jamie Holbrook was leaving work and was going to her car on the fifth floor of a Streeterville parking garage when she spotted the duck family there.

“It took three hours, (but) I led her out of the garage,” with her ducklings following in tow, Holbrook said. She left them to a small park area near East Pearson Street, where she thought they would be safe.

She returned to the garage, got her car but when she got onto Lake Shore Drive she saw the ducks trying to cross the roadway with Good Samaritan Joseph Daley stopping traffic and guiding cars around the ducks.

Holbrook stopped and scooped up some of the ducklings in a large plastic container.

But two of the ducklings couldn’t be caught before they fell through the grate of a storm drain.

“One got out,” Daley said, but the other had fallen too far into the basin.

As police were protecting the rescuers from traffic, firefighters attempted to pry the grate off with metal stakes. When that effort proved unsuccessful, a Streets and San truck attached a chain to the grate and pulled it off.

Another Good Samaritan reached down and scooped out the trapped duckling in his hat. (SO CUTE!)

Through it all, the mother duck was waiting patiently by, said Holbrook, who was trying to contact a bird rescue organization to take care of the family.

Before anyone starts judging city services for going above + beyond for these aimless wanderers, please note these birds received no warnings from the city to stay off LSD, unlike the countless idiots stuck on the road during last February’s record blizzard.

Rahm’s really making a difference.

But seriously, those ducklings in the Austin neighborhood better learn how to fucking fend for themselves.

Assault With Intent To Nourish?

Weddings can be an excellent time.  You load up. You party. You dance to the latest Beyonce’ song sung by some 40 year-old white guy with a perm. You have the inevitable domestic incident, and then…

Robinette. Allegedly.

According to the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the area after receiving calls about a domestic dispute.  When they arrived, a man told them that he had been attending a wedding at the facility with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in a car.

Delaware County (OH) Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman, who was identified as Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, but she refused to cooperate.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

At which point the deputies were frozen with fear, or merely enamored with the exposed right titty, and couldn’t dodge Robinette’s secretion.

America’s Mothers. Our greatest resource.

Grown Man’s Letter To A Specific Location – Nashville

Dear Nashville,

Good afternoon. I hope this letter finds you well.  I’m sure it finds you dirty.  How’s your day going? I hope you found something constructive to do with the self-respect I left somewhere around town this weekend.

one of your resident's myspace photo. yep.

Let’s just get this of the way:  I’m guessing there are a lot of places where the lines between stripper and prostitute get blurred like the vision of that 52-year old Jimmy Buffett fan from Fayetteville. Not sure how many do it with such gusto. Your character is concealed like the handguns of your bar patrons.  Kudos.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing you to discuss the sex trade.  I don’t have the kind of money you’re looking for.

But I do have a question. They call you ‘Music City.’ Is that something you came up with?  Pretty ballsy to call your own number like that. I will concede that you are a city and there’s music.  However, at least in the downtown area, it’s hard to tell where one bar/band ends and another bar/band begins. (Caveat: well-done to the Saturday afternoon set band with the frontwoman who did a kickass version of “Jolene.”  Awesome.)

If you get back to me, just let me know how you can claim that title as opposed to, say, Austin.

I don’t mean to sound critical.  I like a little honky-tonk now and then. To each their own and you are certainly a fun time.  Though I’m not sure I really need to take a flight to drink dozens of beers and have a girl from suburban Chicago comment on how skinny I am.  I used to call that ‘Friday.’

But back to the music thing…There’s really a song that goes, “God is great, and Beer is Good…and People are craaaazay?”  That’s literally a hit? I hear it everywhere. Are you cool with this? Speaking of which, I’ve been working on my own country tune. Here’s what I have so far. Let me know what you think.

“21st Century Country Song”

I fly the stars n’ stripes,

I fly the stars n’ bars,

with no sense of irony

now let’s talk about cars

——-

And I like women.

I like ’em a lot.

Now somethin’ bout Jesus

We’ll give it a shot.

——–

I’m singin’ country sonnggs.  Twenty-First century country sonnnngs

Gonna say some shit about liquor and trucks

Play it on the radio, make big bucks,

I’m singin’ country songggs.

You’re welcome.

The Vanderbilt campus has some nice trees and asian grad students.  FYI

Anyway, I’m sure there are sections of town off the beaten path with some hidden gems. I’m sure someday I might get there. I’m sure someday I’ll be allowed back in a Marriott-family hotel.  I’m sure someday me and my 8 asshole buddies will rent that commercial space on 4th Street and open that community center/pharmacy. I’ll work the cash register and run the family planning department. That day is not today.

In short, it was a pleasure to come and a pleasure to go. I’ll see you again.  But we probably need a little space.  I still need to wash you off. Take care.

Sincerely,

Grown Man

Protecting Real America’s Daughters – By Valor, Arms And Use Of The Word ‘Boy’

...and bringing your black boyfriend to thanksgiving, only to deal with the constant head shakes of your grandparents.

In Mississippi, they believe in the marriage of red beans & rice, biscuits & gravy, car frames & cinder blocks, shotguns & whiskey, not to mention the insipidly unnatural union of grits + maple syrup. But these are all inanimate objects whose commingling rights are protected by the Constitution via Citizens’ United and their obese, lobbyist governor. Oblobbernor?

teh whites peoples and teh coloreds peoples? Well.

In a PPP poll released Thursday, a 46% plurality of registered Republican voters said they thought interracial marriage was not just wrong, but that it should be illegal. 40% said interracial marriage should be legal.

Also, there will be no marriages on Dale Earnhardt’s birthday or deathday. These hilljacks hope to have their anti-miscegenation laws back in place before Usher’s 2011 Summer Tour.

Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of christwire.org.  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a christwire.org article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post – gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website ChristWire.org. Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).

"Billings"

I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

Gratuitous World Is Now On Twitter #LOLZ

I’ve run out of internet.  The Tribune-CBS Sports-TPM-Wonkette cycle does not lend itself to meeting the FDA’s recommended daily doses of procrastination.

Hello, Romania! Be gentle.

Gratuitous World On Twitter.

This Week In Sun

Our Sun: Life-Giving Star? Reality Show Stage Light? Raisin-Peddling Junkie God?

It’s a mystery that can only be unlocked by a series of Time/Life books.

this is the sun.

And in much of Russia, these infomercials have yet to run between the mid-day Just The Ten Of Us marathons.

In a survey released this week, 32 percent of Russians believed the Earth was the center of the Solar system; 55 percent that all radioactivity is man-made; and 29 percent that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth.

“It’s really quite amazing,” spokeswoman Olga Kamenchuk said of the survey that polled 1,600 people across Russia’s regions in January, with a 3.4-percent margin of error…

However, people tend to forget what they have been taught at school if it is not part of daily use, she added: “I wonder whether our colleagues in other countries would find any different.”

Haha, of course they do, you borscht-bathing astronomical peons – stop spitting nonsense like an off-brand Uzbeki Speak n’ Spell!

Umm…

What could it be? Play it close to the denim vest, people. The Cajun gulag is the worst gulag.

Smokin’ Pot Momma (Updated)

I posted this last September. Evidently, six months later the gag order has been lifted and the driver wants to plead his case. He must be worried the 100 post views might sway near west suburban public opinion and make it hard livin’ for anyone associated. And you know what? Good for him.  I wasn’t there, so I’ll let the young man defend himself.  Much more compelling than the Pioneer Press account. Stop mailing it in, local journalists! Yes, you.

The comment is listed unedited below. Not only is he allegedly related to the the passenger, but judging by the use of CAPS and “!!!!,” he’s quite possibly related to Kanye as well. Good luck, Giovanni.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I know this intersection!

A driver who allegedly refused to cooperate with police orders admitted he smoked the last of his marijuana so police wouldn’t find any in his car, according to River Forest police reports.

Giovanni Lyles-Dawson, of 2042 S. 14th Ave., Broadview, was stopped by River Forest police at 6:09 p.m. Sept. 9 on Thatcher Avenue at Greenfield Street for allegedly having expired license plates.

When police approached the car, they smelled a strong odor of marijuana, reports said.

When they asked Lyles-Dawson to step out of the car, he refused, locked the door, rolled up the window and repeatedly refused officer’s requests to get out of the vehicle.

Police then asked his passenger and mother, Jayne Dawson, of 16901 Napa St., North Hills, Calif., to step out, but she reportedly also rolled up her window and locked her door.

When police were finally able to convince Lyles-Dawson to leave the car, he reportedly said, “I smoke weed. There’s no weed in the car because I smoked it all.”

Besides being ticketed for expired plates, Lyles-Dawson was arrested for obstructing a police officer, possession of drug paraphernalia, and an arrest warrant for nonpayment of child support.

His mom was charged with obstructing police.

Obstruction for Ms. Dawson? I’m not into that.  Stay in that car mama. But the dude using his child support cash for weed money? C’mon, buddy. You’re better than that.

Or probably not.

Update: Please give these locals some traffic @ http://www.pioneerlocal.com/riverforest/news/2709986,river-forest-ismokeweed-091410-s1.article.  That’s all she’s asking….

Update 2/12/11…

ITS NOT RIGHT THAT YOU ONLY GET THE RACES RIVERFORST POLICE SIDE OF THE STORY! WHEN THEY DONT TELL YOU HOW THE WHOLE TRUETH, ON WHAT REALLY HAPPEN THAT DAY. YES I DO SMOKE WEED ONLY!!! AND NOT EVERY DAY LIKE I MIGHT WANT AT TIMES AND NOT DRIVING THREW A RACES TOWN LIKE RIVER FORST. BUT THE PART THEY LEFT OUT WAS I WAS TRAVELING NORTH ON THATCHERED RD.TO PICK UP MY BROTHER FROM WORK ANT CVS, THEY WERE COMING SOUTH MADE A U TURN ON A SIGLE LAND ROAD TO RUN MY PLATE WHICH WAS EXSPIRED (NOT KNOWING AT THE TIME) I PULLED OVER AND I OFFERED TO GIVE THE POLICE MY DL AND INSURANCE CARD HE TOLD ME HE DONT NEED THE INSURANCE CARD AND TOOK MY DL WENT BACK TO HIS CAR RAN MY NAME. WHEN HE CAME BACK TO THE CAR HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT SO I ASK WHY WHAT DID I DOHE SAID YOUR PLATE ARE EXSPIRED SO I SAID SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE ME A TICKICT, HIS PARTNER THEN TRYED TO PULL THE DOOR OPEN AND SAID WE DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU SHIT BECAUSE WE ARE THE POLICE IN FEAR OF THESE RACES POLICE I ROLLED THE WINDOW UP. MY MOTHER WHO WAS SITTING THERE GOT SCRARED AS WELL AND ASK WHAT WAS GOING ON THE SAME POLICE MAN CAME TO HER SIDE AND TOLD HER TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR BUT SHE COULDNT BECAUSE I HAD THE AUTO MATIC LOOKS ON. I THEN SAY WHY ARE YALL ACTIN LIKE THIS I HAD MY SEAT BELT ON I WASNT SPEEDING MY DL IS STRAIT WHATS WRONG HE THEN SAID YOUR PLATES ARE EXSPIRED AND I SMELL WEED!!!! SO I TOLD HIM THERE NO WEED IN THE CAR BUT U MIGHT SMELL IT ON ME BECAUSE I DO SMOKE BUT YOU DONT GOT TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES. THEN I GOT OUT THEY LOOK THEW THE CAR AND ME FOUND NOTHING TOOK ME AND MY MOTHER TO JAIL AND LET MY BROTHER DRIVE THE CAR HOME!!!!!!!!!!

_______________________________________________________________

“”SO I TOLD HIM THERE NO WEED IN THE CAR BUT U MIGHT SMELL IT ON ME BECAUSE I DO SMOKE BUT YOU DONT GOT TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES.”

Amen to that. Godspeed, Giovanni. And keep us posted.

Gratuitous World: Best & Worst Of 2010

What can you say about 2010 (except that it’s over)? In fact, while this might not be the greatest ‘Best of’ list, it’s certainly the latest. Here is how GW spent its year when it wasn’t throwing rocks at day laborers.

Book You Should Read: War, Sebastian Junger. Left, Right, Center, Whatever. Everyone should read about the daily toll of our nearly decade-long military action. A story of both courage and futility. The corresponding documentary (Restrepo) is also worth watching.

Best Television Show: Breaking Bad (again). Season 3 and still getting better. (How ’bout that finale?) The margin between this and other shows continues to grow.

Honorable Mention: Community. I’ve never liked Joel McHale. Never been interested in The Soup and my usual response to his stand-up is ‘oh, that was the laugh line?’  Watched a couple uninspired episodes last season because the tv was turned on. However, whatever the writing staff shook up this season produced gold. The ‘Armageddon/Apollo 13’ Spoof was one of the funniest episodes of tv this year. Same goes for the zombie-genre episode and heart-warming stop-motion Christmas episode. Well-done.

• Thurs NBC: Parks and Recreations was also pretty great last year and definitely won the spring. 30 Rock is rebounding this season while someone needs to put The Office out of its highly-rated misery.

Favorite New Show: Via recommendation, just caught the 2nd Season of Party Down on Netflix. Went back and watched the first as soon as possible. Steve Guttenberg episode was awesome.

Worst Franchise Demise: Law & Order: SVU. People watch Law & Order because of the tidy, plot-driven, twist-at-the-3/4-mark episodes. Back in the day, they took this fool-proof premise and added sex crimes. Winner! Now the show is a shell of itself. Why does every episode have to include some melodramatic personal involvement of one of the characters? How many episodes ending with a Mexican Standoff are too many?C’mon! Just give me a serial rapist or abusive stepfather, a little legal battle, and be done with it. I’m starting to root for IAD. Benson & Stabler are TERRIBLE cops. They would be working Macy’s security if this was real life. But it’s not. It’s just a stupid television show. So maybe I should relax.

well that didn't take long.

Favorite Movie: Black Swan. In fairness, didn’t see much this year, but Aronofsky certainly got it done with this effort. I mean, a movie about Swan Lake that can keep me riveted for 2 hours? Well done. I also liked the much acclaimed indie flick Winters’ Bone.

• Grab-The-Dirty-T-Shirt-Award: Mila Kunis. Not sure if you want to win this one, but you did. Well done. And I don’t care what ethnicity George Lopez wants you to be. We can all get behind sexy. so to speak.

Worst Last Words: In October, the State of Arizona executed convicted murderer Jeffrey Landrigan. When asked for his last words, Landrigan said, “Well, I’d like to say thank you to my family for being here and all my friends, and…Boomer Sooner.”

A classy way to go out for an obviously classy guy. Boomer Sooner is, of course, the official fight song and rallying cry for the University of Oklahoma Sooners, and I’m sure Landrigan’s final homage to the Sooners was duly appreciated by all associated with the University.

But just one thing – and I’m sure you’ll all be shocked – Landrigan never attended the University of Oklahoma, yet chose to use his final words to associate himself with the school.

To me Landrigan is a despicable but probably not far-off representation of all the townie college football fans – from Columbus to Norman to Tuscaloosa, who try to associate themselves with institutions they never attended, I’d like to say, Jeffrey Landrigan – while you’re neither Sooner Born nor Sooner Bred, you certainly are ‘sooner dead.’ good riddance, douchebag.

Best Inappropriate Tweet: 50 Cent – Speaking of MILF. I wanna do something that impact kids in a positive way, thats why im opening an abortion clinic. Ima call it 50/50 chance.

I laugh, but today’s offensive family planning idea is tomorrow’s Vitamin Water.

Hate-Monger of the Year: Pamela Geller – Wow, what stiff competition! Sorry Mr. Beck, Pastor ZigZag Chops, and virtually every Arizona conservative, but no one hated-it-up quite like Geller. I’m talking Barabara Bush type hate (as Richard Nixon would’ve said). Before the manufactured not-at-Ground-Zero-not-mosque controversy, Geller was probably best known as the Holocaust Revisionist who runs the Atlas Shrugs hate blog.  In 2010, she ascended to America’s prestigious ‘Queen of Islamophobia’ position.  Here’s just a taste:

Amazon(.com) is pimping for jihad. The Arafat war scarf is on sale. The keffiyeh is the icon of the global jihad. It is as iconic of jihad as the swastika is for Nazis. Notice the advertising of the bloodiest murderer in modern Middle East history (the competition is stiff, after all), Yaser Arafat.

And kudos to virtually every media outlet for allowing her to mainstream her venomous bigotry. She couldn’t take home this award without you.

Best Product Innovation: Rascal Scooter’s Magnetic Stabilizer. Americans are getting fatter. We’re watching 35 hrs of tv a week, and increasingly bathing in corn syrup. Anyone looking for an investment opportunity should check it out…

Just one of the many innovations on display during the expo is Magnetic Stabilizer technology (patent pending) designed to prevent sideways tipping.  Stabilizer wheels utilize this technology to deploy only during contact with the riding surface, instantly giving 3-wheel scooters the superior stability of 4-wheel models.  This technology affords riders excellent 3-wheel maneuverability without sacrificing safety.

Worst Pope Of The Year: In a landslide, it’s Pope Benedict XVI! Among other gems, the disco pope blames the 70s for the kid rapers he protected for decades.

Unproven Fear Of The Year: Keeping my phone in my pants pocket will result in testicular cancer somewhere down the line, thus forcing me to sympathize with douchebag Lance Armstrong

Most Asinine Supreme Court Decision:  It doesn’t take much to keep tabs on the Roberts’ Court. Just look for a corporate agenda and follow the musk. To simplify, Citizens United v. FEC basically says corporations, like soylent green, are people. Enjoy that, America.

Worst Relationship Development: Groupon. Don’t get me wrong – this simple, yet genius business model is well crafted. But Jesus, ‘we have to go to restaurant __ because my groupon is going to expire’  seemed about as contrived as saving sex only during ovulation.

‘It’s -10 wind chill and a Tuesday!’ Doesn’t matter. Groupon, moutherfucker.

Do we really need a water pick? We already have 2. ‘It was a Groupon.’ And that’s where the conversation ends, as if  getting 30% off makes whatever unnecessary bullshit product immediately necessary.

Best Sports Story: Three years ago, the once proud Chicago Blackhawks franchise was in disarray. One timely death and a few successful personnel moves later, and the Hawks were back as the darlings of Chicago.  As one belonging to neither demographic, the rapidity of the bandwagon jumpers combined with the resentful push-back from the die-hard Blackhawks faithful made for a hilarious few months. In June, the Hawks triumphantly hoisted the Stanley Cup. And now that the Bears and Bulls are back, people might care again when if they make the playoffs.

Worst Sports Story – Event: World Cup. Once every four years I am susceptible to mouth-breathing rants in support of ‘American Exceptionalism.’ Well done, soccer.

Worst Sports Story – Individual:  Oh my God, I can’t believe it was possible to overshadow the ridiculous charade that was LeBron James’ free agency ‘Decision’, but CONGRATULATIONS Brett Favre! You did it again! And this time with more cock!

Best Campaign Ad: Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. Roll Tide, War Eagle, and whatever other stupid shit they do down there. I’m pretty sure it’s just football and campaign ads. They just churned them out one after the other. This one was my favorite.

Worst ‘Person Of The Year’ Award: Mark Zuckerberg? Really, Time? Welcome to 2007. amirite?

• By the way, Least Substantive Publication – Time

Best ‘List’: Salon’s Hack 30: Our Complete List Of America’s Worst Pundits – A wonderful compilation of the media establishment hacks who drive our substance-free political discourse. E.g., big time hack and intellectually dishonest “historian” Jonah Goldberg (@ #7)…

Repeat offenses: Juvenile (but unamusing) sense of humor, adolescent writing style unbecoming a 41-year-old, laziness, “Simpsons”-quoting, inability/unwillingness to defend arguments when challenged.
Representative quote:

In today’s syndicated column I trot out the cliche that “hindsight’s always crystal clear.” Several readers have already reminded me that I wrote a column arguing exactly the opposite in June of 2002. This is the danger of cliches. I was trying to make a general point which everyone understands but also ended up communicating an even more general falsehood. Like saying violence never solves anything, people understand what I mean even when in reality what I’m saying isn’t true.

Wha?

GW Person Of The Year:  Any reader who can make a convincing argument for anyone will be  ‘my person of the year.’ Giddyup.

Most Over-Saturated Celebrity (out-of-nowhere category): Jane Lynch. As an integral part of Best In Show (and Party Down Season 1), I’ll give her a pass for that Glee-whatnot. But isn’t it time for a vacation? I think I see her right now. Sitting over there.

GW Worst Person Of The Year: While BP’s Tony Hayward received well-deserved attention for the catastrophic Gulf Oil Spill, Massey Coal’s Don Blankenship could’ve been criminally liable for the West Virginia mine explosion resulting in the death of 29 miners. An epic gasbag, Blankenship is also one variation of the corporatists controlling this country.

(maynard + blankenship) But buying judges is hard work too! cheese!

I first read about this guy when he was caught vacationing in the French Riviera with a judge on the WV Supreme Court, while Massey had an important case pending in front of the WVSC. Lucrative and Romantic.

He loves to rail against the kind of regulation and enforcement that could’ve prohibited the tragedy. Believe it or not, he’s also climate change denier.  In a letter to the editor of the Charleston (WV) Gazette dated Oct. 30, 2009 Blankenship denied that climate change, or “global warming,” existed, and stated: “Why should we trust a report by the United Nations? The United Nations includes countries like Venezuela, North Korea and Iran.”

Great point. Really does a good job of scientifically refuting the years of research incorporated in the report. Instead we should trust Don Blankenship – he has nothing to gain. Did I mention he’s on the Board of the Chamber of Commerce and a bigtime Tea Party supporter? Probably didn’t need to.

So some lobbyist dollars and 29 deaths later, and Massey is one of the country’s most profitable coal companies! Congrats! ‘Free market,’ K-Street, deregulation, sell your soul, kick a puppy.

By the way, given the chance, he’ll fuck over your kids.  Congratulations, Don Blankenship! You’re GW’s Worst Person of 2010! Huzzah!

Make It A Double (Entendre)

Because I’m 11 years old.

Wisconsin Man To Make Tattoo Removal Appointment In 6 Years

My girlfriend and I have an agreement when it comes to watching television. For 52 weeks, I can watch sports anywhere from 3 to 7 nights a week. In exchange, I agree to watch one bad reality television show. That show is Jersey Shore.

Truth be told, I actually like the show. I like it so much I’ve searched Vegas betting lines for Jersey Shore Prop bets. In particular, I’m looking for the ‘Under’ on the timeframe for ‘the Situation’s’ 1st Sexual Assault charge. Because, you know, he seems about 2 whiskeys, half a steroid cycle, and a shot of cough syrup away from being a sex criminal. And who can’t have a laugh about that?

Unlike the insufferable faux-earnestness or outright vapid ugliness of characters on shows like Survivor,  The Real World, or any of the other 17,000 reality shows, some members of the Jersey Shore cast exhibit at least a semblance of self-awareness. In particular, the much maligned slut-troll Snooki knows she’s caricature.  She might not be able to find New Jersey on a map, but in a certain, bowling ball with a bump-it sort of way, she’s kind of genius. She plays up the unique qualities – all the way to bank. But feel free to watch the show and trash on the little lady, aiding and abetting her collection of millions over the past couple years. Who’s the real idiot?  In fact,  I would go far enough to say, ‘I like Snooki.’

But not as much as this guy:

No, America. That is not Packers’ linebacker Frank Zombo. That is Chris Hamilton of Union Grove, Wisconsin. And he either loves Snooki, or is seriously amused about the bet he lost. 

It’s a pretty safe bet Chris will be watching tonight’s Jersey Shore premiere. After the show, he’ll probably start drinking in preparation for Sunday’s Eagles/Packers playoff game. In that case, he’ll probably need to catch up with the rest of the faithful.

Update: Yeah, only took me a hot tub scene to realize I don’t really like Snooki that much. Got a little bit out over my skis on that one. Have a nice day.

Animal Lover Wants To Be Remembered As A Fucking Idiot

Man to live in lions’ den for 30 days

SPRING HILL, Fla. — A Florida man says he’s going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions.

James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon entered the lions’ den Saturday. He says he’s going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat.

He says he’s also going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure, in case the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31.

About 100 animals live at the center about 40 miles north of Tampa. It was started for native wildlife needing medical treatment, but Jablon says he’s now being asked to provide homes for exotic pets.

Have Ed + Lea signed releases to be part of this asinine stunt?  These are majestic beasts – kings of the jungle or whatever. Now just accessories to some streaming video that some lion fetishist will stumble across and pleasure himself to while viewing. 

And Eat what they eat? What the hell is that trying to teach? Attention people of Florida: Just because you live in a warm climate and we send our 20-year-old sluts and meatheads down to you once a year doesn’t mean you should inundate us with your weird-ass dietary practices, whether it’s the ‘Panhandle Lioness Diet,’ or ‘Spring Hill Big Cat Kudu Cuisine For Kids Meal.’

Mr. Jablon, I hope you lose a foot. And then you have to eat your other foot because, hey – ‘rules are rules.’

Florida. As a wiser man than me once said – ‘It’s not the heat. It’s the stupidity.’

Virginia Is For Lovers…

…Of Vanity Plate suppression. This hilarious defender of the First Amendment needs some new tags. And the state of Virginia has saved the lives of countless children.

This young attorney has another pelt on the wall.  According to reddit, the driver gave this explanation…

I received a second letter saying that I would then be going into a sort court hearing about it over the phone. There would be me, a DMV representative and a mediator. Long story short I had my ass handed to me and had no defense.

In the end I asked how many people complained and what they complained about exactly, since I was under the impression it was being taken away because of cannibalism concerns. I was told they received something like 4 letters and 7 phone calls. All of them generic “I’m offended and my right to not be offended trumps everything!!!”. The DMV then had a private round table meeting with something like 13 people in the meeting… JUST to discuss my plate.

On their own, they came to the conclusion that my plate advocated oral sex on children, oral fucking sex on underage fucking children!! I was completely shocked and couldnt form a complete sentence afterwords.
I then tried to get the plate “FUVADMV”, but it didnt pass muster.

So next time you see that H3 with the ‘SUPBRO’ plate, remember that 11 complaints is all it takes. so just say ‘license plate X’ encourages kid diddlin.’ and maybe throw in something about janet jackson’s titty.

Virginia DMV, thanks for thinking about the children.

Gratuitous Video – Just The Tip!

These biscuits do comedy stuff around Chicago. Get with it.

Made Up Word Of The Day?

As operator of this uninspired time-suck, I’m privy to all the search terms that cause people to stumble across this site. Most of them make sense. Yes, at some point I have mentioned variations of “omar wire” and “tim tebow girlfriend’s huge cans.” That’s why you joined us.

Occasionally, however, I am totally miffed, as I was yesterday when I saw the following search term that brought someone to Gratuitous World:

‘titsdance’

Excuse me? What the hell is ‘titsdance?’  Is it pronounced ‘TITSdance’ or ‘titsDANCE?’  TITSdanc`E?

"I don't smoke... But tonight I'm gonna smoke you! then we'll 'titsdance?'"

The initial image I mustered was of some sort of topless Dutch flash mob. Or maybe it’s the description of some muscular gyrations – like whe Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out makes his man-boobs move up and down? Take that query over to WebMd, bud!

I’m thoroughly confused. What was this person hoping to find? Is this something 50Cent coined on Twitter? My confusion brought me to urbandictionay, and believe it or not, there’s no entry. 

Now i’m left with another secret of the interwebs. and future ‘titsdance’ traffic. nice.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Roast Is Born

Put down that David Eggers' book and get you some...

Chicago elitists will be rejoicing this winter as two local favorites, Intelligentsia coffee and the band Wilco, have collaborated on a side project.

Wilco now has its own line of coffee beans—“Wilco Selection,” available for pre-order now through Chicago-based coffee makers Intelligentsia.

The last decade has seen the proliferation of both entities. Intelligentsia is still producing at a high level – as I experiece every Sunday, deliciously prepared with my french press, and paired with a mixed berry scone and Sunday NYT.  I sip it delicately, in between scoffs and headshakes directed at people attending religious services. As for Wilco, they’re still putting out albums.  Here’s the business:

This coffee comes from the Sidama region of Ethiopia and is grown by the Homecho Waeno co-op…The aromatics of coffee blossom and violet make way for an incredibly graceful and elegant cup. The body has a light and silky quality, like fresh whipped cream, that beautifully compliments the ever-present note of citron, juniper berry and vanilla. As it cools, the cup blossoms into notes of confectioner’s sugar, rosehips, and soft raisin, resonating on a pristine finish with a touch of milk chocolate. ”

This varies slightly from the “Jeff Tweedy Solo Selection,” which is essentially the same bean, but comes with an  annoying hipster to “shush” anyone who talks during any part of the brewing process.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

bo,bo,bo, where did you go...?

Bo Derek is 54. She also has the dubious honor of winning three Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Awards for Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981), Bolero (1984) and Ghosts Can’t Do It (1990), and was nominated in 2000 as the “Worst Actress of the Century”. This, of course, is just a vast liberal conspiracy, as Derek is one of the few Conservative Hollywood biscuits and a fine fine actress.

Finally, an odd note on her wikipedia page that brings up more questions than answers…

When White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten was asked about the nature of his relationship with Bo Derek on the April 30, 2006 edition of Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Bolten identified Derek as a “friend” and as a “strong supporter of the President.”

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Kerri Strug – America’s greatest hero until the guy on Man V. Food came along, turns 33 today.

default video – because I couldn’t find her amazing guest appearance on 90210*. smug assholery aside, she’s pretty tough. smug assholery back on, there’s some great hair in this clip.

*From grown man and 90210-a-phile, kmac, here’s the synopsis of the episode where Strug appeared in a cameo, registering for college,

Steve leads a group of KEG pledges in a Spirit Day prank; they run through Chancellor Arnold’s speech wearing nothing but shaving cream, only to have the sprinklers come on.
that steve sanders