Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of christwire.org.  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a christwire.org article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post – gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website ChristWire.org. Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).

"Billings"

I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.