Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of christwire.org.  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a christwire.org article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post – gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website ChristWire.org. Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).

"Billings"

I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

As Long As It Doesn’t Require Much Legwork, John Kass Will Pretty Much Piss On Anyone’s Grave

For his 88th birthday, McGovern went skydiving. For his 54th birthday, I believe Kass took a couple Vicotin and woke up in his own drool.

In Wednesday’s Tribune, wannabe satirist John Kass wrote a column regarding the prospective White House hiring of Bill Daley, saying,

“Right now, Obama sits somewhere to the left of the late George McGovern, but he’ll need to become a certified centrist again when he runs for re-election in 2012.” 

Despite the fact that any Poli Sci 101 student could point out the obvious error of considering a center-left pragmatist ‘Left’ of a longtime Dovish liberal, there was an even greater inaccuracy in that statement. “The late” George McGovern, as Kass called him, is not ‘late’ at all. In fact, he’s alive and well – or at least as alive and well as can be for an 88 year old living in South Dakota.

 John, I understand your schtick. Pithy, colorful columns about the culture of Chicago politics that are sometimes clever, yet rarely insightful. A clear dislike for the President and the Daleys, and a 3 year obsession with trying to criminalize Obama for paying 15% below list for his Hyde Park property. What a hot scoop!

But John, contempt for the Mayor or the President doesn’t give you free journalistic reign to shovel dirt on the empty grave of anyone, much less a longtime public servant such as McGovern.

No wonder your column was so unabashedly brimming with excitement. With the hiring of Daley, the door is open for you to stay in bed and pen 6 more months of vapid ‘Chicago Way’ columns without opening your eyes or bothering yourself with the heartbeat of any geriatric political figure.

As far as you’re concerned, you can put down James Baker or reanimate Harold Washington without it having any effect on your one-way pseudo-political analysis. How do I get a gig like that?

John Kass, Stop messing up my ‘Dead Pool.’ Clown.