Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Zach Galifianakis is having a birthday today. He is 42.

The nerve of this guy! He’s everywhere these days. Like a female Jane Lynch.  Well anyway, happy birthday, Galifianakis. “Mark it under, ‘Who gives a shit?'”

 

Gratuitous World: Best & Worst Of 2010

What can you say about 2010 (except that it’s over)? In fact, while this might not be the greatest ‘Best of’ list, it’s certainly the latest. Here is how GW spent its year when it wasn’t throwing rocks at day laborers.

Book You Should Read: War, Sebastian Junger. Left, Right, Center, Whatever. Everyone should read about the daily toll of our nearly decade-long military action. A story of both courage and futility. The corresponding documentary (Restrepo) is also worth watching.

Best Television Show: Breaking Bad (again). Season 3 and still getting better. (How ’bout that finale?) The margin between this and other shows continues to grow.

Honorable Mention: Community. I’ve never liked Joel McHale. Never been interested in The Soup and my usual response to his stand-up is ‘oh, that was the laugh line?’  Watched a couple uninspired episodes last season because the tv was turned on. However, whatever the writing staff shook up this season produced gold. The ‘Armageddon/Apollo 13’ Spoof was one of the funniest episodes of tv this year. Same goes for the zombie-genre episode and heart-warming stop-motion Christmas episode. Well-done.

• Thurs NBC: Parks and Recreations was also pretty great last year and definitely won the spring. 30 Rock is rebounding this season while someone needs to put The Office out of its highly-rated misery.

Favorite New Show: Via recommendation, just caught the 2nd Season of Party Down on Netflix. Went back and watched the first as soon as possible. Steve Guttenberg episode was awesome.

Worst Franchise Demise: Law & Order: SVU. People watch Law & Order because of the tidy, plot-driven, twist-at-the-3/4-mark episodes. Back in the day, they took this fool-proof premise and added sex crimes. Winner! Now the show is a shell of itself. Why does every episode have to include some melodramatic personal involvement of one of the characters? How many episodes ending with a Mexican Standoff are too many?C’mon! Just give me a serial rapist or abusive stepfather, a little legal battle, and be done with it. I’m starting to root for IAD. Benson & Stabler are TERRIBLE cops. They would be working Macy’s security if this was real life. But it’s not. It’s just a stupid television show. So maybe I should relax.

well that didn't take long.

Favorite Movie: Black Swan. In fairness, didn’t see much this year, but Aronofsky certainly got it done with this effort. I mean, a movie about Swan Lake that can keep me riveted for 2 hours? Well done. I also liked the much acclaimed indie flick Winters’ Bone.

• Grab-The-Dirty-T-Shirt-Award: Mila Kunis. Not sure if you want to win this one, but you did. Well done. And I don’t care what ethnicity George Lopez wants you to be. We can all get behind sexy. so to speak.

Worst Last Words: In October, the State of Arizona executed convicted murderer Jeffrey Landrigan. When asked for his last words, Landrigan said, “Well, I’d like to say thank you to my family for being here and all my friends, and…Boomer Sooner.”

A classy way to go out for an obviously classy guy. Boomer Sooner is, of course, the official fight song and rallying cry for the University of Oklahoma Sooners, and I’m sure Landrigan’s final homage to the Sooners was duly appreciated by all associated with the University.

But just one thing – and I’m sure you’ll all be shocked – Landrigan never attended the University of Oklahoma, yet chose to use his final words to associate himself with the school.

To me Landrigan is a despicable but probably not far-off representation of all the townie college football fans – from Columbus to Norman to Tuscaloosa, who try to associate themselves with institutions they never attended, I’d like to say, Jeffrey Landrigan – while you’re neither Sooner Born nor Sooner Bred, you certainly are ‘sooner dead.’ good riddance, douchebag.

Best Inappropriate Tweet: 50 Cent – Speaking of MILF. I wanna do something that impact kids in a positive way, thats why im opening an abortion clinic. Ima call it 50/50 chance.

I laugh, but today’s offensive family planning idea is tomorrow’s Vitamin Water.

Hate-Monger of the Year: Pamela Geller – Wow, what stiff competition! Sorry Mr. Beck, Pastor ZigZag Chops, and virtually every Arizona conservative, but no one hated-it-up quite like Geller. I’m talking Barabara Bush type hate (as Richard Nixon would’ve said). Before the manufactured not-at-Ground-Zero-not-mosque controversy, Geller was probably best known as the Holocaust Revisionist who runs the Atlas Shrugs hate blog.  In 2010, she ascended to America’s prestigious ‘Queen of Islamophobia’ position.  Here’s just a taste:

Amazon(.com) is pimping for jihad. The Arafat war scarf is on sale. The keffiyeh is the icon of the global jihad. It is as iconic of jihad as the swastika is for Nazis. Notice the advertising of the bloodiest murderer in modern Middle East history (the competition is stiff, after all), Yaser Arafat.

And kudos to virtually every media outlet for allowing her to mainstream her venomous bigotry. She couldn’t take home this award without you.

Best Product Innovation: Rascal Scooter’s Magnetic Stabilizer. Americans are getting fatter. We’re watching 35 hrs of tv a week, and increasingly bathing in corn syrup. Anyone looking for an investment opportunity should check it out…

Just one of the many innovations on display during the expo is Magnetic Stabilizer technology (patent pending) designed to prevent sideways tipping.  Stabilizer wheels utilize this technology to deploy only during contact with the riding surface, instantly giving 3-wheel scooters the superior stability of 4-wheel models.  This technology affords riders excellent 3-wheel maneuverability without sacrificing safety.

Worst Pope Of The Year: In a landslide, it’s Pope Benedict XVI! Among other gems, the disco pope blames the 70s for the kid rapers he protected for decades.

Unproven Fear Of The Year: Keeping my phone in my pants pocket will result in testicular cancer somewhere down the line, thus forcing me to sympathize with douchebag Lance Armstrong

Most Asinine Supreme Court Decision:  It doesn’t take much to keep tabs on the Roberts’ Court. Just look for a corporate agenda and follow the musk. To simplify, Citizens United v. FEC basically says corporations, like soylent green, are people. Enjoy that, America.

Worst Relationship Development: Groupon. Don’t get me wrong – this simple, yet genius business model is well crafted. But Jesus, ‘we have to go to restaurant __ because my groupon is going to expire’  seemed about as contrived as saving sex only during ovulation.

‘It’s -10 wind chill and a Tuesday!’ Doesn’t matter. Groupon, moutherfucker.

Do we really need a water pick? We already have 2. ‘It was a Groupon.’ And that’s where the conversation ends, as if  getting 30% off makes whatever unnecessary bullshit product immediately necessary.

Best Sports Story: Three years ago, the once proud Chicago Blackhawks franchise was in disarray. One timely death and a few successful personnel moves later, and the Hawks were back as the darlings of Chicago.  As one belonging to neither demographic, the rapidity of the bandwagon jumpers combined with the resentful push-back from the die-hard Blackhawks faithful made for a hilarious few months. In June, the Hawks triumphantly hoisted the Stanley Cup. And now that the Bears and Bulls are back, people might care again when if they make the playoffs.

Worst Sports Story – Event: World Cup. Once every four years I am susceptible to mouth-breathing rants in support of ‘American Exceptionalism.’ Well done, soccer.

Worst Sports Story – Individual:  Oh my God, I can’t believe it was possible to overshadow the ridiculous charade that was LeBron James’ free agency ‘Decision’, but CONGRATULATIONS Brett Favre! You did it again! And this time with more cock!

Best Campaign Ad: Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. Roll Tide, War Eagle, and whatever other stupid shit they do down there. I’m pretty sure it’s just football and campaign ads. They just churned them out one after the other. This one was my favorite.

Worst ‘Person Of The Year’ Award: Mark Zuckerberg? Really, Time? Welcome to 2007. amirite?

• By the way, Least Substantive Publication – Time

Best ‘List’: Salon’s Hack 30: Our Complete List Of America’s Worst Pundits – A wonderful compilation of the media establishment hacks who drive our substance-free political discourse. E.g., big time hack and intellectually dishonest “historian” Jonah Goldberg (@ #7)…

Repeat offenses: Juvenile (but unamusing) sense of humor, adolescent writing style unbecoming a 41-year-old, laziness, “Simpsons”-quoting, inability/unwillingness to defend arguments when challenged.
Representative quote:

In today’s syndicated column I trot out the cliche that “hindsight’s always crystal clear.” Several readers have already reminded me that I wrote a column arguing exactly the opposite in June of 2002. This is the danger of cliches. I was trying to make a general point which everyone understands but also ended up communicating an even more general falsehood. Like saying violence never solves anything, people understand what I mean even when in reality what I’m saying isn’t true.

Wha?

GW Person Of The Year:  Any reader who can make a convincing argument for anyone will be  ‘my person of the year.’ Giddyup.

Most Over-Saturated Celebrity (out-of-nowhere category): Jane Lynch. As an integral part of Best In Show (and Party Down Season 1), I’ll give her a pass for that Glee-whatnot. But isn’t it time for a vacation? I think I see her right now. Sitting over there.

GW Worst Person Of The Year: While BP’s Tony Hayward received well-deserved attention for the catastrophic Gulf Oil Spill, Massey Coal’s Don Blankenship could’ve been criminally liable for the West Virginia mine explosion resulting in the death of 29 miners. An epic gasbag, Blankenship is also one variation of the corporatists controlling this country.

(maynard + blankenship) But buying judges is hard work too! cheese!

I first read about this guy when he was caught vacationing in the French Riviera with a judge on the WV Supreme Court, while Massey had an important case pending in front of the WVSC. Lucrative and Romantic.

He loves to rail against the kind of regulation and enforcement that could’ve prohibited the tragedy. Believe it or not, he’s also climate change denier.  In a letter to the editor of the Charleston (WV) Gazette dated Oct. 30, 2009 Blankenship denied that climate change, or “global warming,” existed, and stated: “Why should we trust a report by the United Nations? The United Nations includes countries like Venezuela, North Korea and Iran.”

Great point. Really does a good job of scientifically refuting the years of research incorporated in the report. Instead we should trust Don Blankenship – he has nothing to gain. Did I mention he’s on the Board of the Chamber of Commerce and a bigtime Tea Party supporter? Probably didn’t need to.

So some lobbyist dollars and 29 deaths later, and Massey is one of the country’s most profitable coal companies! Congrats! ‘Free market,’ K-Street, deregulation, sell your soul, kick a puppy.

By the way, given the chance, he’ll fuck over your kids.  Congratulations, Don Blankenship! You’re GW’s Worst Person of 2010! Huzzah!