In Real Life, Weekend At Bernie’s Isn’t Quite As Light-Hearted

What would you do if you found your friend dead on the couch?

• A. Call 9-1-1.
• B. Steal his shoes and gold fillings.
• C. Display natural human emotions such as fear/sadness.
• D. Shave his eyebrows and draw on him with permanent marker.
• E. Criminally recreate one of history’s most often-referenced-without-having-viewed movies.

Here you go.

Young, aka, "The Brains"

Then, on Aug. 27, Young arrived around 11 p.m. at Jarrett’s southeast Denver home in the 1800 block of South Forest Street and found him unresponsive. Rather than calling 911, he went to the restaurant where Rubinson works, according to court documents.

A search warrant affidavit filed in the case outlines the rest of the night:

The pair returned to Jarrett’s home, loaded him into Rubinson’s Lincoln Navigator and took him to Teddy T’s bar and grill. Jarrett’s body remained in the backseat while the pair drank on his tab.

Teddy T’s – Where every Saturday is Ladies’/Corpse Night!

They next stopped at Sam’s No. 3 before dropping off Jarrett’s body back at his home. But they kept the ATM card.

Rubinson, aka, "The Rainmaker"

Next stop was a meal at Viva Burrito, and then they somehow withdrew $400 at Shotgun Willie’s, remaining at the Glendale strip club until closing time, Ford writes. It’s not clear from the documents if the pair had Jarrett’s ATM code.

Around 4 a.m. authorities say the pair flagged down a Glendale police officer and told him that Jarrett might be dead back at his house.

…Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

So how did they use the ATM card?? Through diligent efforts of Law Enforcement, I hope the secrets of this diabolical pair are exposed, and our American corpses are left to rot in peace.  This money was supposed to go to the guy’s family…and/or a pointless Tebow billboard.