In Real Life, Weekend At Bernie’s Isn’t Quite As Light-Hearted

What would you do if you found your friend dead on the couch?

• A. Call 9-1-1.
• B. Steal his shoes and gold fillings.
• C. Display natural human emotions such as fear/sadness.
• D. Shave his eyebrows and draw on him with permanent marker.
• E. Criminally recreate one of history’s most often-referenced-without-having-viewed movies.

Here you go.

Young, aka, "The Brains"

Then, on Aug. 27, Young arrived around 11 p.m. at Jarrett’s southeast Denver home in the 1800 block of South Forest Street and found him unresponsive. Rather than calling 911, he went to the restaurant where Rubinson works, according to court documents.

A search warrant affidavit filed in the case outlines the rest of the night:

The pair returned to Jarrett’s home, loaded him into Rubinson’s Lincoln Navigator and took him to Teddy T’s bar and grill. Jarrett’s body remained in the backseat while the pair drank on his tab.

Teddy T’s – Where every Saturday is Ladies’/Corpse Night!

They next stopped at Sam’s No. 3 before dropping off Jarrett’s body back at his home. But they kept the ATM card.

Rubinson, aka, "The Rainmaker"

Next stop was a meal at Viva Burrito, and then they somehow withdrew $400 at Shotgun Willie’s, remaining at the Glendale strip club until closing time, Ford writes. It’s not clear from the documents if the pair had Jarrett’s ATM code.

Around 4 a.m. authorities say the pair flagged down a Glendale police officer and told him that Jarrett might be dead back at his house.

…Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

So how did they use the ATM card?? Through diligent efforts of Law Enforcement, I hope the secrets of this diabolical pair are exposed, and our American corpses are left to rot in peace.  This money was supposed to go to the guy’s family…and/or a pointless Tebow billboard.

Gratuitous Senate Preview – Colorado

COLORADO:  Hippies, Drifters, Megachurch Movers and Obnoxious Exercisers. This state has it all. Except plentiful water.

INCUMBENT: Or should I say “Incumbent” Michael Bennet is a fellow whose positives include a

Colorado: dig it

warm smile. He took over as CO-Sen when Ken Salazar was named Obama’s Fossil Fuel Whore Secretary of the Interior. Bennet had moderate success on the city and state level in Colorado, and would be a fairly safe choice for moderates, who don’t really exist anymore. Bennet’s fall-back position as a fortune-teller might’ve been reinforced by his statement that he would support healthcare reform even if it meant losing the election.

CHALLENGER: Ken Buck was in the news yesterday disputing the 1st Amendment, Founders and centuries of settled law as he had previously declared his opposition to the “separation of church and state.” So of course he’s a lawyer who was hired as a US Attorney in 1986 by Dick Cheney.  At that time, Buck also disagreed with the “separation of Iran and Contras.” His illustrious federal career ended after he had improper communications with defense attorneys for some gun runners that resulted in a lesser charge. One of them donated $700 to his campaign – possibly paid in gun form.  He parlayed this position into the Weld county DA, where he failed to prosecute a rapist who actually admitted being a rapist.  So obviously the tea party loves him. A true winner in all respects.

PREDICTION: Money has been pouring into this state in the form of awesome advertisements, produced with the subtle craftsmanship of a Don Draper and the zeal of a million lemmings. I expect a tight one, but my baseless statistical analysis lends itself to the thought that the ‘Messicans’ will pull this one out for Bennet. Then they’ll take the remaining 27 jobs and hoard all the tacos. (Bennet by < 1)

Tancredo To Make More Noise

Former presidential candidate Tom Tancredo is back on the campaign trail, alarming the people and saying insane shit. The former Colorado Rep. is now running for governor of the state under the banner of the ironically named Constitution Party.

The Constitution Party’s (a/k/a “The Party of (Alan) Keyes”) philosophy is rooted in religious conservatism. As Colorado’s American Constitution Party explains on its website:

We, the members of the American Constitution Party, gratefully acknowledge the blessings of the Lord God as the Creator, Preserver, and Ruler of the universe and of our nation. We hereby appeal to Him for aid, comfort, guidance and the protection of His Divine Providence as we work to restore and preserve this nation as a government of, by, and for the people. Our republic is a nation governed by a constitution rooted in Biblical law and administered by representatives elected by the people to preserve, protect, and defend it against attacks by all its enemies, whether from without or within.

Just look at all those allusions to the supreme law of the U.S., adopted circa 1787.

Tancredo’s interpretation of this platform focuses on the ‘biblical’ removal of coloreds. From where, you ask? Just get em out of here. Christ. Among other practical policy considerations, Tommy T thinks Obama should not just be impeached (for being a bigger threat than al Qaeda), but that he should be sent back to Kenya.  Did I mention he hates hispanics (20% of Colorado)? Also, like many mainstream republicans, Tancredo believes the show 24 is real.   That should make for some fun campaign commercials (see below).

With Tom Tancredo as governor and Tim Tebow as Broncos’ QB (same initials), there would be nothing stopping Colorado from becoming New Utah. Although, only one of these guys would be Elway-esque and succeed in destroying the Browns. take a guess.

Once Tancredo gets rid of all the Mehicans, we can start focusing on the real plague affecting Our Great Country – greasy Italians.

The Right To Endanger Your Kids Shall Not Be Infringed

Check out this heart-warming holiday tale:

CORTEZ, Colo. — Authorities say a 12-year-old Colorado boy accidentally shot himself in the leg while playing with a loaded pistol his parents had hidden behind the family Christmas tree. Montezuma County Sheriff Gerald Wallace says the boy was shot in the calf on Monday morning but the injury wasn’t serious. Wallace says the parents had left for work but other family members took the boy to a hospital.

The sheriff says he won’t recommend charges because the parents had left the .22 pistol a reasonable distance from the child.  It wasn’t clear why the weapon was hidden there. Wallace says the boy was “digging around” when he found it. His father had other weapons locked in a safe.

It's 2009, Ralphie. Grow a pair.

Few things are more annoying and inappropriate than telling someone else how to raise their children, but I’m gonna go ahead.  A loaded .22? Did you want to give your kid the option of celebrating the gift by immediately firing a couple rounds into the ceiling?

And under the tree?  Are you sure about this?  Was it wrapped?  Could you possibly foresee a child putting a wrapped package to his ear and shaking it?

I don’t know all the details, so I can’t fault the cops for not dropping a child endangerment charge on the parents.     Although, I don’t see the fairness in allowing the kid to be the sole victim of his parents’ idiocy.  He’s the one who suffered the gunshot wound. He’s the one who will have to stand with Tom Selleck for the NRA PR photo shoot. Also, he’s probably grounded for waking up the dog.

“Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it’s zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.”