Gratuitous World’s 2011 Summer Homebuyer Guide!

another money pit?! how adorable!

Yes, we know you’re pretty much broke like the rest of us, but if you + a few dozen pals have sold sperm, eggs + plasma for the past 18 months, it’s a great time to buy a home. I mean, they’re already calling you a yuppie, so you might as well hold title to a fraction of property. Here are some places to settle down…

Indiana:  Midwest sensibilities. Affordable houses. Property tax caps. Enough to put you at ease for an afternoon of love-making on the zebra-skin rug.  Light some Amish-made candles. Melt some Amish butter. Put on that Mellencamp-Mix. It’s a great day – all the clichés are clicking. Then…whoa, holy shit! 4 cops open the front door and walk into your duplex without taking their shoes off. ‘Hey, that’s not right!’ you think. Haha, joke’s on you asshole, because Indiana’s Supreme Court just overturned centuries of common law by deciding if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason or no reason at all, a homeowner cannot do anything to block the officer’s entry.  In this case, they just wanted to watch you bone because your cul-de-sac is boring and this will liven up their day much more than watching the old lady down the street try to get the local paper off her roof with a broom handle. Also, no one gives a shit about the Fourth Amendment anymore because, well… I’m not really sure why, but they don’t.  Anyway, distracted by the intrusion of law enforcement officers and sheer panic, you bust through that Trojan and right into your old lady (worst Penthouse Forum letter ever!). Normally, this is an honest mistake rectified by quick stop at Planned Parenthood for trusty Plan B and the comfort of an understanding public health worker. But awww shit…you can’t because that Planned Parenthood is closed! When you go next door to drown your resignation with maple syrup at Applebee’s, you realize the established truth which is that every election year needs a non-profit organization that assists the poor and marginalized to be a GOP scapegoat!  Family Planning is evil.  But like I said – the intrusiveness of property tax is limited!!! Indiana –All Up In Your Business. Live it.

Iowa:  Caucus season is here and this time it’s just the Republicans. Enjoy a free market glass of distilled Ethylbenzene Water with Ron Paul.  Talk War of 1812 and the Jetsons‘ trivia with Michelle Bachmann. Play a game of horseshoes with Tim Pawlen-zzzzzzzzzzz.  What’s that? This is your chance to get patronized and pandered to by a handful of begging presidential aspirants. Throw ripe fruit at Rick Santorum. Who cares! It’s your world.  Iowa – No Shame In That

Orlando – You elected one of the health care industry’s biggest criminals as governor, so I guess that brings with it pro’s and con’s.

homeless + starving OR Goofy? you make the call.

Anyway, this city’s most beloved figure is a Mouse, a Mouse who they throw parades for every half hour in front of a castle, while jackasses sweat in 95% humidity and hoist turkey legs into the sky, chortling with mass approval. It’s really an amazing place. While this Mouse lives in a castle (probably surrounded by the skulls of dissenters and W.E.D.), some humans aren’t so lucky.

Orlando police arrested five more activists from behind a makeshift buffet table at Lake Eola Park on Wednesday evening, bringing to a dozen the number charged in the past week with violating city restrictions on feeding the homeless.

The members of the group Food Not Bombs were ladling out corn on the cob, rice, beans and watermelon to about 35 people when they were handcuffed…

They were violating a controversial city ordinance that prohibits sharing food with large groups in a downtown city park more than twice a year. Food Not Bombs has been fighting the ordinance but lost a legal appeal in April, clearing the way for the city to begin enforcement.

This is a great use of police resources: No homeless people. No proactively compassionate people.  Bam! 2 birds, one stone – which is totally the means by which these people will now have to feed themselves. Orlando: Bow To The Mouse Or GTFO.

Enjoy! Happy Hunting!

Screw Me? No, Screw Neu!

At the end of Fletch, the evil Chief Carlin (SPOILER!) unexpectedly busts into the Stanwyck Mansion. Fletch remarks, “Thank God. The Police.”

Funny stuff.

Almost 2 years ago, President Obama pushed through legislation allowing the federal government to assist cash-strapped states in maintaining their police forces and in some cases, hiring additional police officers. Remember how wildly popular that stimulus was? Everyone loved being able to project all their dissatisfaction with government onto a modest spending bill passed in the middle of a terrible recession.

But one guy isn’t cool with the help the democrats gave the Fraternal Order.

A Manatee County sergeant was suspended without pay after he highlighted an ominous verse in the Bible and dubbed it the “Obama Prayer.”

According to the police report, Matthew Neu circled “Let his days be few, and let another take his office” — from Psalm 109 — and placed the “Obama Prayer” note in a bible on a colleague’s desk. The “Obama Prayer” has been circulating around the Internet, and Neu received it in an email.

So they suspended Neu for 26 hours and blahblahblah – in retrospect it’s not the most riveting story. However, the continued invocation of Psalm 109 remains interesting. Shortly after taking office, I wrote about the rising invocation of Psalm 109 among some conservatives. Psalm 109:8 reads –

“May his days be few; may another take his office.”

I get the literal implication. Of course, the next sentence reads…

“May his children be orphans, and his wife a widow.” (Psalm 109:9)

If you love the book, you should read the book. Openly advocating for the premature death of an American president is pretty low, not to mention treasonous. Be true, Officer Neu. If you want it, you should wear it. And don’t worry – new governor and corporate-fraudshaft, Rick Scott will clearly look out for public employees. He’s really into that.

or maybe this is more appropriate.

But Seek First His Kingdom And His Twitter Page

Following Week 16’s 24-23 victory over the Houston Texans in which he scored the go-ahead touchdown late in the 4th quarter, Tim Tebow chose to Tweet the biblical passage, “Luke 2:10-11,” which reads: But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” 

I partially understand Tebow’s messianic complex. After all, for his entire young adulthood he has been lauded as such by fans, coaches, religious leaders and media members, whether it be Thom Brennaman, Andy Staples, or virtually any ESPN hack. In  fact, before the game had been decided, CBS’ Steve Beurlein had already proclaimed December 26th, 2010, ‘Tim Tebow Day’ – a clear slap in the face to all the Canadian viewers enjoying their ‘Boxing Day.’

 But let’s walk this back a second. “Do not be afraid?!” Tim, you were playing the Houston Texans.  No one is afraid of the Houston Texans. Their pass defense ranks last in the NFL. Total defense ranks 28th. They have given up 27.3 points-per-game.  In fact, the Texans have allowed at least 24 points to all but one opponent! If they would’ve done it again in Week 17,  it would’ve been an NFL record (they gave up 17). Instead they tied the ’08 Lions for a  record that could literally read, “NFL’s Least-Feared Defense” or “All-Time-Defense-Least-In-Need-Of Angelic-Assistance-In-Order-To-Score-On.”  

If Luke’s passage read “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born who will do as much but not more than 14 of the saviors who preceded him,” I could see the parallel. Otherwise, I have say, Tim Tebow, calm down.

And Happy Belated Solstice!

Animal Lover Wants To Be Remembered As A Fucking Idiot

Man to live in lions’ den for 30 days

SPRING HILL, Fla. — A Florida man says he’s going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions.

James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon entered the lions’ den Saturday. He says he’s going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat.

He says he’s also going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure, in case the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31.

About 100 animals live at the center about 40 miles north of Tampa. It was started for native wildlife needing medical treatment, but Jablon says he’s now being asked to provide homes for exotic pets.

Have Ed + Lea signed releases to be part of this asinine stunt?  These are majestic beasts – kings of the jungle or whatever. Now just accessories to some streaming video that some lion fetishist will stumble across and pleasure himself to while viewing. 

And Eat what they eat? What the hell is that trying to teach? Attention people of Florida: Just because you live in a warm climate and we send our 20-year-old sluts and meatheads down to you once a year doesn’t mean you should inundate us with your weird-ass dietary practices, whether it’s the ‘Panhandle Lioness Diet,’ or ‘Spring Hill Big Cat Kudu Cuisine For Kids Meal.’

Mr. Jablon, I hope you lose a foot. And then you have to eat your other foot because, hey – ‘rules are rules.’

Florida. As a wiser man than me once said – ‘It’s not the heat. It’s the stupidity.’

Maybe The Gators Should Hire Randy Shannon To Clean Up The Program

I wrote this a while back and never posted it. In light of Urban Meyer Favre-ing it up again, I thought I would post it.

And yes, the word of the week is “sanctimonious.”

 

"V" For Values

On September 14, Florida playmaker Chris Rainey was arrested on a third-degree felony charge of aggravated stalking, a charge resulting from Rainey allegedly sending his former girlfriend a text message that read, in part, “Time to die bitch.”

 

Meyer dismissed Rainey from the team the following day, saying that Rainey had violated the program’s “core values.” The 2-time national champion defended the program saying, “It’s not a dirty program. We follow the rules and some guys make mistakes and we’ve got to correct those mistakes. We follow the rules.” Meyer added he was “real upset” and also vowed, “enough’s enough.”

 

One month, 2 losses, and a considerable drop in the polls later, Meyer welcomed Rainey (and his 4.3 “40”) back to the team.

 

“I’m disappointed that he violated a core value of our program, but he continues to pay a price for his actions. Chris will have to meet a set of conditions to become a part of our team again, and although he is practicing, he will not play this weekend. The timetable for his return will depend on his ability to follow the guidelines we have laid out for him.”

 

This is just a hunch, but I’m guessing that timetable will lapse some time before the Georgia game on October 30 (it did).

 

While Rainey’s death threat surely violates the “core values” of most human beings, his actions are pretty much par for the course when it comes to Meyer’s players. According to the Tribune, Rainey was the 28th Gator arrested during Meyer’s tenure. In contrast, the former poster-children for misbehavior down the road at Miami have had only one player arrested during the same period under Randy Shannon (since fired for not winning enough games).

 

The sanctimonious fog of Tim Tebow has lifted and the core values of Meyer’s program can be seen as plain-as-day. Success on the field trumps all other concerns, including the character of the players he recruits. Sure, a lot of other programs function in a similar vein, but please don’t try to sell me “change” and “contrition” as the pattern continues to repeat itself. If Meyer wanted to recruit kids with stronger character, he could. Like Northwestern or Duke, he would have a smaller pool to draw from, but he could certainly “correct some of the mistakes” his program had made.  But he doesn’t really want that. The same old story remains, and Florida’s alumni, fans and administration will ignore these recurring offenses as long as Meyer continues to follow through on the only 2 “core values” that really matter to them: money and Wins. 

See you next year.

So This Is What Christine O’Donnell Was Talking About?

SARASOTA, FL:  Bam! And Carl Hiaasen just wrote another book…

Via The Smoking Gun:

SEPTEMBER 15–What kind of a guy goes into Walmart, takes a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue from the magazine rack, heads to the store’s toy section, and proceeds to masturbate to completion in the aisle?

Meet William Tyler Black.

This guy.

The 28-year-old Floridian, a substitute teacher, was arrested yesterday afternoon by Sarasota cops on battery and exposure of sexual organs charges, according to a probable cause affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here.

A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”

A police source told TSG that the toy in question was a lightsaber (apparently of the “Star Wars” variety), and that the magazine Black used was the 2010 SI swimsuit issue with model Brooklyn Decker on its cover. Though published in February, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue can still be found on sale months later at many retailers.

When cops confronted Black, pictured in the above mug shot, he said he was in the store “shopping for a toy for his daughter.” He was hit with the battery on a child count since investigators concluded that a “reasonable person would believe that a child would come in contact with the fluid on the toy being that it was left in the toy aisle of the store.”

The Creep is strong in this one.

Stop, Drop and Troll

hunk a hunk of burning hate.

Production meeting circa 1 week ago (for non-FN “News” organizations)…

Executive Producer:   “Alright guys. We did a great job pushing that Ground Zero Mosque Story. People are eating up this anti-Muslim shit and we did literally NO work. We need to double down and continue this momentum. Any ideas?”

Producer A: “Well there was this mosque in Florida that was bombed and another one in Tennessee, and an-”

EP: “Hold on, Gary. Now that’s not bad. I like the “mosque” angle. The word itself turns eyes red and faces white. But remember we don’t want to be too sympathetic to those Islamics. Facts aside, Priority 1  is leaving ourselves in the best spot to defend against accusations of “liberal bias” from The Right – despite the fact that they’ll do it regardless. Yes? New Guy.”

Eager Go-Getter:  “So there’s this fringe pastor down in Florida. He’s going the bar-b-que some Korans to celebrate 9/11 with his flock of 35 people.”

EP: “Anything else?”

Eager Go-Getter:  “well I don’t want to guarantee anything, but there’s a chance this pastor’s facial hair could be iconic .”

EP: “That’s perfect! we can give this guy all of our attention! This is the perfect non-story we won’t have to do any legwork for!  But it’s certain to inflame passions in the way our minimal war coverage never did! Run with it!”

And around and around it went. Pastor Frownstache is the Santa Claus of 9/11. But alas, he chickened out of igniting an international incident. He got what he wanted. His flock has grown. So imagine my surprise at this…

But the Rev. Bob Old of the Disciples of Christ ministry — who was inspired by Jones and planned to burn the Koran on Saturday at his home and post the video on YouTube — said he’s pushing forward. He also says that Jones backing down shows he wasn’t committed to the cause.

“That shows how strong his convictions are,” Old said, according to The Tennessean. “My event is about establishing who is God and who is not God. I will be burning a Quran, I’m not going to change my mind no matter who calls me.”

Old also compared himself to Moses, who in the Old Testament burned a golden calf when he found the Israelites worshiping it, The Tennessean said.

“Look at all the attention this douchebag in florida received! I want national attention TOO! Just like Moses!  AND my flock is already filled with crazy nativists. Win Win!”

There may be religious leaders around the nation who will not be burning holy books this weekend. I’m not positive, but it seems likely.  Can we give them any love? Or just the fringe cuckoo asshats?

Take a deep breath.  Enjoy the holiday.

Reps These Days

Some people just know how to relate to America’s youth.  In case you missed it, the name is Mike Weinstein. That’s M.i.k.e W.e.i.n.s.t.e.i.n….

Feed the Hungry, House the Homeless, Get Naked…

Gratuitous World returns to one of its favorite themes: the gay-hating gay man.

I would like to take this yesterday’s National Day of Prayer to acknowledge yet another “Man of God” who happens to be a hypocritical, bigoted fraud.

oh the places your mustache will go...

Today’s little buddy? Anti-Gay Activist Dr. George Rekers. And man boy, is this a good one…

The pictures on the Rentboy.com [not work appropriate, believe it or not] profile show a shirtless young man with delicate features, guileless eyes, and sun-kissed, hairless skin. The profile touts his “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and “perfectly built 8 inch cock (uncut)” and explains he is “sensual,” “wild,” and “up for anything” — as long you ask first. And as long as you pay.

On April 13, the “rent boy” (whom we’ll call Lucien) arrived at Miami International Airport on Iberian Airlines Flight 6123, after a ten-day, fully subsidized trip to Europe. He was soon followed out of customs by an old man with an atavistic mustache and a desperate blond comb-over, pushing an overburdened baggage cart.

“Desperate Blond Comb-Over?” Great new indie band.

That man was George Alan Rekers, of North Miami — the callboy’s client and, as it happens, one of America’s most prominent anti-gay activists. Rekers, a Baptist minister who is a leading scholar for the Christian right, left the terminal with his gay escort, looking a bit discomfited when a picture of the two was snapped with a hot-pink digital camera.

Reached by New Times before a trip to Bermuda, Rekers said he learned Lucien was a prostitute only midway through their vacation. “I had surgery,” Rekers said, “and I can’t lift luggage. That’s why I hired him.”

Lifting the luggage? So that’s what the down-low kids are calling it these days. Lo + behold, check out this photo of The Good Doctor and his 8-inch uncut bag handler.

Yet Rekers wouldn’t deny he met his slender, blond escort at Rentboy.com — which features homepage images of men in bondage and grainy videos of crotch-rubbing twinks — and Lucien confirmed it.

How is he going to talk his way out of this one? Hide behind some scripture…

I have spent much time as a mental health professional and as a Christian minister helping and lovingly caring for people identifying themselves as “gay.” My hero is Jesus Christ who loves even the culturally despised people, including sexual sinners and prostitutes. Like Jesus Christ, I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them.

I wish Jesus was here to defend himself.  Rekers proceeds to quote some scriptures, and ends with the obvious rhetorical question, WWJRA…(Who Would Jesus Reach Around?)

Like John the Baptist and Jesus, I have a loving Christian ministry to homosexuals and prostitutes in which I share the Good News of Jesus Christ with them (see I Corinthians 6:8-11). Contrary to false gossip, innuendo, and slander about me, I do not in any way “hate” homosexuals, but I seek to lovingly share two types of messages to them, as I did with the young man called “Lucien” in the news story: [1] It is possible to cease homosexual practices to avoid the unacceptable health risks associated with that behavior, and [2] the most important decision one can make is to establish a relationship with God for all eternity by trusting in Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for the forgiveness of your sins, including homosexual sins. If you talk with my travel assistant that the story called “Lucien,” you will find I spent a great deal of time sharing scientific information on the desirability of abandoning homosexual intercourse, and I shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail.

Somebody did contact ‘Lucien,’ and let’s just say he portrayed Rekers’ message of the Gospel to be a little more unorthodox…

Rekers allegedly named his favorite maneuver the “the long stroke” — a complicated caress “across his penis, thigh… and his anus over the butt cheeks,” as Lucien puts it. “Rekers liked to be rubbed down there,” he says.

Although an obvious trailblazer in the area of hand-sex-acts, until a couple of days ago Rekers was best known as a prominent Christian leader who specialized in the de-gaying of teens…

In 1983, [Rekers] and James Dobson, America’s best-known homophobe, formed the Family Research Council, a D.C.-based, rabidly Christian, and vehemently anti-gay lobbying group that has become a standard-bearer of the nation’s extreme right wing. Its annual Values Summit is considered a litmus test for Republican presidential hopefuls, and Sean Hannityand Ann Coulter have spoken there. (The Family Research Council would not comment about Rekers’s Euro-trip.)

He has also influenced American government, serving in advisory roles with Congress, the White House, and the Department of Health and Human Services and testifying as a state’s witness in favor of Florida’s gay adoption ban. A former research fellow at Harvard University and a distinguished professor of neuropsychiatry at the University of South Carolina, Rekers has published papers and books by the hundreds, with titles like Who Am I? Lord and Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality.

“While he keeps a low public profile, his fingerprints are on almost every anti-gay effort to demean and dehumanize LGBT people,” says Wayne Besen, a gay rights advocate in New York City and the executive director of Truth Wins Out, which investigates the anti-gay movement. “His work is ubiquitously cited by lobby groups that work to deny equality to LGBT Americans. Rekers has caused a great deal of harm to gay and lesbian individuals.”

Rekers is a board member of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), an organization that systematically attempts to turn gay people straight. And the Huffington Post recently singled out Rekers as a member of the American College of Pediatricians— an official-sounding outfit in Gainesville that purveys lurid, youth-directed literature accusing gays of en masse coprophilia. (In an email, the college’s Lisa Hawkins wrote, “ACPeds feels privileged to have a scholar of Dr. Rekers’ stature affiliated with our organization. I am sure you will find Prof. Rekers to be an immaculate clinician/scholar, and a warm human being.”)

Dr. Rekers story, “The Longest Stroke,” coming soon to the Lifetime Channel. May your hell exist so you can be surrounded by fire and vaginas for eternity.

I Me Mine

No whores for oil

Many Southern GOP politicians’ place great political importance on railing against the federal government. Talking points like ‘states’ rights,’  ‘small government,’ and ‘get off my lawn,’ fall from their mouths like biscuit crumbs from Haley Barbour’s puffy jowls. This is of course, ‘Do as I say…’ rhetoric, because when the slick hits the fan, they need that public titty.  As Dana Milbank writes…

About 10:30 Monday morning, Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), an ardent foe of big government, posted a blog item on his campaign Web site about the huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “I strongly believe BP is spread too thin,” he wrote.

He thinks it would be a better arrangement if “federal and state officials” would do the dirty work of “protecting and cleaning up the coast” instead of BP.

This is, of course, “Diaper” David Vitter. The man who fights against pretty much every environmental regulatory effort that comes before the Senate.

About an hour later came word from the Pentagon that Alabama, Florida and Mississippi — all three governed by men who once considered themselves limited-government conservatives — want the federal government to mobilize (at taxpayer expense, of course) more National Guard troops to aid in the cleanup.

Aren’t they worried about the “clean-up gestapo?”

That followed an earlier request by the small-government governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal (R), who issued a statement saying he had called the Obama administration “to outline the state’s needs” and to ask “for additional resources.” Said Jindal: “These resources are critical.”

Bobby, do you remember your sad sad response to last year’s S.O.T.U.?

“There is a lesson in this experience: The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the compassionate hearts and the enterprising spirit of our citizens. We are grateful for the support we have received from across the nation for the ongoing recovery efforts. This spirit got Louisiana through the hurricanes and this spirit will get our nation through the storms we face today.”

I’m sure your constituents appreciate your foresight in sponsoring the (defeated) Deep Ocean Energy Resources Act of 2006?  Maybe instead of passing the buck to the federal government while simultaneously asking for federal bucks,  you can harness the amorphous cajun spirit of LA residents to stop the current oil leak.

About the time that Alabama, Florida and Mississippi were asking for more federal help, three small-government Republican senators, Richard Shelby and Jeff Sessions of Alabama and George LeMieux of Florida, were flying over the gulf on a U.S. government aircraft with small-government Republican Rep. Jeff Miller (Fla.).

Gotta say ‘what’s up’ to my cracker Slick Rick!  Alright, continue…

“We’re here to send the message that we’re going to do everything we can from a federal level to mitigate this,” Sessions said after the flight, “to protect the people and make sure when people are damaged that they’re made whole.”

Sessions, probably the Senate’s most ardent supporter of tort reform, found himself extolling the virtues of litigation — against BP. “They’re not limited in liability on damage, so if you’ve suffered a damage, they are the responsible party,” said Sessions, sounding very much like the trial lawyers he usually maligns.

All these limited-government guys expressed their belief that the British oil company would ultimately cover all the costs of the cleanup. “They’re not too big to fail,” Sessions said. “If they can’t pay and they’ve given it everything they’ve got, then they should cease to exist.” But if you believe that the federal government won’t be on the hook for a major part of the costs, perhaps you’d like to buy a leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

It may have taken an ecological disaster, but the gulf-state conservatives’ newfound respect for the powers and purse of the federal government is a timely reminder for them. As conservatives in Washington complain about excessive federal spending, the ones who would suffer the most from spending cuts are their own constituents.

There’s nothing wrong with requesting federal assistance in a time of emergency. Dealing with emergenices should be a central part of the federal government’s role. And on a larger scale, it shouldn’t be a black+white choice between Big Government and Impotent Government. It should always be about common-sense, Effective  Government. But do you think these Good ‘Ol Boys will quit the government-hate rhetoric, especially with democrats currently in charge? Despite the clear benefits these thankless hacks enjoy on behalf of the federal government (and you + me), I would doubt it…

An analysis of data from the nonpartisan Tax Foundation by Washington Post database specialist Dan Keating found that people in states that voted Republican were by far the biggest beneficiaries of federal spending. In states that voted strongly Republican, people received an average of $1.50 back from the federal government for every dollar they paid in federal taxes. In moderately Republican states, the amount was $1.19. In moderately Democratic states, people received on average of 99 cents in federal funds for each dollar they paid in taxes. In strongly Democratic states, people got back just 86 cents on the tax dollar.

An accurate motto for the Southern States’ GOP?  Take, take, bitch.

If Sessions and Shelby succeed in shrinking government, their constituents in Alabama will be some of the biggest losers: They get $1.66 in federal benefits for every $1 they pay in taxes. If Louisiana’s Vitter succeeds in shrinking government, his constituents will lose some of the $1.78 in federal benefits they receive for every dollar in taxes they pay. In Mississippi, it’s $2.02.

That may explain why, as the oil slick hits the Gulf Coast, lawmakers from the region are willing to swallow their limited-government principles as they dangle federal aid before their constituents. Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss.) said he would “make sure the federal government is poised to assist in every way necessary.” His colleague Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) said he is making sure “the federal government is doing all it can” — even as he added his hope that “industry” would pay.

President Obama tried to remind the government-is-the-enemy crowd of this situation in a speech on Saturday. “Government is the police officers who are protecting our communities, and the servicemen and -women who are defending us abroad,” he said. “Government is the roads you drove in on and the speed limits that kept you safe. Government is what ensures that mines adhere to safety standards and that oil spills are cleaned up by the companies that caused them.”

But I thought government only stifles the benevolence of the deserving plutocrats?

For the moment, some of the conservatives have new appreciation for governmental powers. “We’re going to have the oil industry folks, the BP folks, in front of us on the Commerce Committee,” Florida’s LeMieux vowed in the news conference Monday. “We’re going to talk about these drilling issues.”

But not before the taxpayer sends some more big-government money down to the small-government politicians of the gulf.

Government always sucks when it’s time to pander to the party base and scare up some campaign cash. Regulatory efforts? Fuck that. Just an excuse to let government interfere with the all-mighty whore we call the “market,” and those purely American freedom-loving-tax-evading Multi-National Big Businesses.

But right now? Get some.

America Loves Lists! – Worst Sports-Related Baby Names

i say i say boy

Inspired by the story of these clowns, GW breaks down a recent trend:  

5. Crimson Tide Redd (boy):     

The young couple made an agreement before their son’s birth that J.L. could be in charge of naming the baby, wanting to use his last name, Redd, as inspiration.    

“His family was extremely excited (about the name choice),” Jackie said.  “Her family couldn’t understand why we’d name our child after a football team,” J.L. said.   

 Football team? Grandpa Redd is a huge Hackman fan. 

 4. Tré Rivers Kemerer (boy): Three Rivers Stadium was the former home of the Pittsburgh Steelers. French it up a bit and slap it on a helpless newborn. Presto. You just named your child after a building demolished in 2001.  

 3. All Cubs’ Related Names: The worst part about being a Cubs’ fan is other Cubs’ fans. Cases in point, these spawn of Cubs’ faithful:    

• Wrigley Fields
• Addison N. Clark   (Throwing up a little bit is understandable.)
• The Dynek Family:  

ADDISON Dynek (boy, 1988) – Addison Street, which borders Wrigley to the South.  Middle name Buck.

CLARK Dynek (boy) – Clark Street borders Wrigley to the West. 

SHEFFIELD Dynek (boy) – Sheffield Avenue borders Wrigley on the East.

GRACE WAVELAND Dynek (girl) – They thought this would be their last child, so they used two street names.  Waveland Avenue borders Wrigley to the North.  And there’s an old convent on Grace Street (one block North of Waveland) where the couple would park before games.  

IVY Marie WRIGLEY Dynek (girl, 1997) – Named for the Ivy on the outfield wall and Wrigley Field itself.  

For many reasons, it’s good this family stopped procreating. Looks like they were really reaching for the last coupl enames. I wouldn’t want to saddle any poor youngster with the label “Trough Splashback Dynek,” or “Cell-Phone Douchebag Dynek.” Poor little buddies. 

Soriano, huh? Well they’ll still be paying him during your awkward teen years.

  2. Chevy Dale Karr (boy):   

PLANT CITY – Roger Karr Jr.’s first wheels were a Chevy El Camino. In fact, he’s driven nothing but Chevys ever since.  So it seemed only fitting that he named his first-born son after his favorite brand of car, with the name of his favorite NASCAR driver — Dale Earnhardt Jr. — thrown in for good measure.  

Dale Sr. is the most revered and iconic NASCAR driver of all-time. Why? Because he was (a) very successful & (b) incredibly reckless. Not surprisingly, the idiot died in a horrendous accident. I hope all our Palm City, Florida readers are especially careful in about 15 years, when Chevy Dale Karr gets his first Camaro.   

1. ESPN Montana Real (boy?): And we end where we started – in the Deep South.   

BILOXI, Miss. – Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.   

ESPN?  Are you kidding? This isn’t even anything associated with a team or player. It’s a tv cable channel.  In fairness, I’ve always wanted to name my 1st born son “VH-Juan Carlos.” Tragically, I would never trust a woman who would agree to that.

Gratuitous Balls – 2009 College Football Preview!

With the exception of NASCAR and anything Boston-related, nothing brings out the “asshole” in sports fans quite like college football. Here we go:

1. TEXAS:  Until the Texas GOP gets its wish to secede from America, Austin will still be one of this country’s great cities, and the Longhorns will be one of America’s best college football teams.  A potent offense will score a ton of points. The cheerleaders will have very white teeth. And a garbage non-conference schedule should help UT get to the BCS title game.

2. FLORIDA:  If Jesus had an awkward, slow release, he could call himself Tim Tebow.  While Tebow’s hype is surely overblown, this team is prime.  Their defense is downright scary – on and off the field.  Prediction? 13-1,  4 felonies, 7 misdemeanors.

3. OKLAHOMA:  They lost a lot of players on the offensive side of the ball, but still have the NCAA’s best quarterback.  Also, Gerald McCoy is a monster DT who can dominate a game like Tommie Harris does (2 games a year).  The Garfunkel of the BCS should be back in the mix again.

4. OLE MISS:  Before Steve Spurrier was a pussy, he was right.  Tebow is not the SEC’s best QB.  Jevan Snead has NFL written all over him.  And Mississippians are pumped.  Who needs a good public school system when you have college football?  They get Alabama at home this year in a much anticipated battle to see whose fans speak the most unintelligible English.

 

"O"bnoxious

5. OHIO STATE:  Let’s be honest.  Yet again, the Big 10 is a shell of itself . However, the Buckeyes should be good enough to get embarrassed in January.  Prediction? #5 in football.  #1 in meathead-to-tolerable fan-ratio.

6. USC:  This may be the year the Trojans struggle. Lots of new players + tougher schedule: @Ohio State, @ Cal, @Oregon.  However, I’m not sure if I’m buying it. They were the best team in football at the end of last season.  Matt Barkley or Aaron Corp will be the next SC quarterback to develop NFL-talent and a scorching case of herpes.

7. OREGON:  New coach. Same awful uniforms.  If the Ducks can stop someone, they’ll be dangerous. Fantastic RB LaGarette Blount was suspended in the winter for “failure to fulfill team obligations,” like missing his turn to bring the orange wedges + juice boxes to practice, and  making a pass at teammate Andre Crenshaw’s mother.

breaking hearts.

8. ALABAMA:  Successful carpetbagging-asshole Nick Saban should have a kick-ass defense, although the Mormon Utes had no problems solving the vaunted SEC squad in the Sugar Bowl.  Julio Jones? He’s good.  Alabama gets $1.66 in federal dollars for every $1 it pays in federal income tax.  90% of this is spent on Alabama football. Roll Tide.

9. VIRGINIA TECH:   Good team, average conference, sweet gimmicks.  Virginia Tech has a great defense, but will be limited by over-hyped QB Tyrod Taylor.  Pre-Season Award Season: Coach Frank Beamer wins the award for Coach who most resembles his school’s mascot.

Gobble

Gobble

10. OKLAHOMA STATE:  Consummate douchebag Mike Gundy has not found a local reporter to scapegoat this season, but has found a real good offense.  Zac Robinson to Dez Bryant. A lot.

11. PENN STATE:  Despite the sleepy 1st half against USC, Penn State’s 2008 squad was its best team in awhile. 2009 should be good as well.  With a strong supply of linebackers and “Oops-i-crapped-my-pants,” Joe Pa should be able to stay on the sidelines and in the Big 10 race.

12. LSU:  Les Miles had a down year, but he’s a solid coach.  In a conference that has dominant defenses and some overrated offensive squads, LSU and RB Charles Scott should put up some points.  Weakness? They seem to be lacking an impact Cajun.  I may be wrong.

13. FLORIDA STATE:  Dabgummit, Seminoles should win a lot of games they won’t forfeit for at least a couple years.  Preseason Award Season:  Most annoying fight-song:  #2 = FSU (#1 = USC)

14. BOISE STATE:  With the exception of Ron Paul cutting the ribbon on a new Twin Falls’ strip mall, nothing excites the state of Idaho quite like Boise State football.  The team only plays a couple real teams all season, but that doesn’t keep the potato-eating  fuckers from convincing themselves they’re a top-tier team deserving of a mandatory BCS bid. Nothing much should change this year.

 

UGA-licious...

15: GEORGIA:  Always hyped, talented, and ultimately disappointing, the Bulldogs of 2009 promise much of the same.  The girls of Athens, however, are appropriately hyped, and very very talented. mmmmmmm…

16. GEORGIA TECH: Compared to their instate rivals, the coeds are less talented, yet the running back is much more promising.  Jonathan Dwyer could get close to 2,000 yards if things break his way.  If their front-7 comes to play, these nerds may get the better of the “cooler” Bulldogs on November 28th.  Go Nerds! No On 15!

17. MICHIGAN STATE:  The Spartans and their homoerotic mascot should be one of the Big 10’s few bright spots this season.  Look for them to put  a slight dent in the insufferable Irish coverage by handing Notre Dame its first loss on Sept. 19.

18. CAL: They have a bad QB, but do have my favorite player in college football – RB Jahvid Best.  I’m sure you’re happy for me.  Cal’s athletic department is lucky.  Even the Berkeley hippies like Best enough to get out of their trees and let the school build a goddamn practice facility.

19. UTAH: Utah football may be the least strange thing about the state.  If they can find a QB, the nation may end up paying attention to them at some point.

20. CINCINNATI:  Someone has to be the “tallest midget” in the Big East. This year it should be the Bearcats.  Like the Queen City’s racist cops, this team can punish the opposition on offense.

Sparty thinks 2009 might be "fabulous!"