Gratuitous Video – Awesome Newscaster Mocks Fame Whores

No Ernie Anastos but I smell Peabody…

Can’t Spell “Secession” Without “S.E.C”

When the LSU Tigers host a college football game, there are obligatory camera shots: the band, the co-eds, kitschy Cajun shit, and the mascot, Mike The Tiger – a live Bengal Tiger who loves hearing the screams of 90,000 drunk fans.

Mike The Tiger, though native of South Asia, always looks miserable in his makeshift Baton Rouge habitat.  It’s not the cage, it’s the humidity.

5th Generation Tiger

However, though the Mascot is etched in LSU’s tradition, it’s not where the school’s nickname came from.  They are instead named for a cutthroat battalion of Confederate troops. Shocker.

The Tigers were just a small subset of the 12,000 Louisiana soldiers in Virginia in 1861. Most were decent, God-fearing men who served their state honorably. But there were enough criminals and drunkards mixed in to give the entire state’s contribution a bad reputation. The good were lumped together with the bad, and because Wheat’s Tiger Battalion was the most infamous, all became known as the Louisiana Tigers…

Trouble began anew not long after Colonel de Choiseul assumed command of Wheat’s Battalion, when, as he said, “the whole set got royally drunk.” That day an inebriated soldier twice snapped his loaded musket at the colonel’s orderly outside his tent, but the gun failed to discharge and the man was subdued. Later in the day unknown Tigers (Jordan Jefferson + Co.?) succeeded in “knocking down & badly beating & robbing … a washerwoman of the battalion in a thicket not a hundred yards from the guard house.” That night a free-for-all at the guard tent woke the colonel. With pistol in hand, he found the guards battling seven or eight Tigers who were trying to free some of their comrades. De Choiseul slugged one man who charged at him and finally restored order “with seven or eight beauties bucked & gagged in the guard tent.”

Complete article is pretty good if you love Civil War History.

As for LSU? They’re laying the 3.5 on the road tonight against the Mississippi State Bulldogs, named of course after Mississippi’s less effective Bumbling Bulldog Battalion, annihilated at Vicksburg and labeled as such for their genetic defects, demodetic mange, hip dysplasia and heart problems.

Mitch McConnell A Breath of Putrid Air

You have to give it to the Senate Minority Leader.  I’ve never heard an elected leader so blatantly profess his primary goal of governing is jobs doing whatever is necessary to have the GOP take the White House back in 2012.  Not surprisingly, McConnell was pretty transparent in his assessment that destabilizing the global economy is pretty cool as long as you get what you want in the end.

“I think some of our members may have thought the default issue was a hostage you might take a chance at shooting. Most of us didn’t think that. What we did learn is this — it’s a hostage that’s worth ransoming. And it focuses the Congress on something that must be done.”
— Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), quoted by the Washington Post, on the debt ceiling negotiations.

The disintegration of governance. Good luck, America.

NFL Free Agency / BUY NOW, CUT LATER!

In blockbuster deal, Kicker Olindo Mare signs with Carolina Panthers

One fantastic byproduct of the NFL Lockout has been the condensed free agency period.  Starved for anything football related, fans have been treated to a free-for-all that skips most of the courting and foreplay.  No one cares about the Owners handing it to the NFLPA and subsequently using superior PR techniques to turn public sentiment against the Players. Just give us some fucking football before I staple my forehead and run through my cubicle wall arggh!!! The masses are eating it up, even salivating over the prospects of where Braylon Edwards – the cubic zirconia big receiver everyone needs to have – will land. Some thoughts:

• Local Sports Outlets announce undrafted Rookie FAs to ‘make the difference’ for 32 teams.
• Smarter Than He Looks:  Matt Leinart avoided the embarrassment of trying to compete for a starting job in Seattle and took $5 million to hold the clipboard and guest judge teen beauty contests in Houston.
• Unlike others, I won’t slam the Vikings’ McNabb pick-up. Ponder was the worst pick of the draft (because I say so). He should really enjoy jenkins/berrian on the outside.
• Most appropriate signing:  Raiders sign Trent Edwards.
• Hard Feelings Award:  Exasperated Bears’ players/media mourn the loss of a 34-year old Center who has yet to receive an offer from another team.
• No Hard Feelings Award:  Plaxico is still cool with NYC.
• Maybe someday Andy Reid will be lauded for his ability to reform and relate to the Vicks and Youngs of the Reid family, aka his sons.
• I know Cover-2 CBs have some different responsibilities in Lovie’s scheme, but I don’t understand why the Bears were never in the running for Asomugha.  $30 million under the cap and a definite need at 1 CB.  You could effectively shut down 1 side of the field with N.A. and Peppers. Even Johnathan Joseph would’ve been a substantial upgrade. Or grab a free safety. help a secondary out, JA. (Not Tim Jennings fault – had a nice year, but probably seeing Greg Jennings in his sleep.)
• Malcom Floyd >>>>> Braylon Edwards.
• More complex analysis:  Lions getting much more better good now.  #justgetsomesecondaryhelp
• Like Sam+Diane, everyone wants to see Tavaris + Sidney Rice make a life together somewhere. Good luck, Coach Carroll.
• To answer John Clayton, injury history aside, I would offer a #2 for Osi if I’m Seattle. Then I would bitch about the final episode of The Killing.
• Randy Moss is walking away from football and towards a Bass Pro Shops shrink-wrapped F150.
• Speaking of Moss, here’s PFW’s Joel Buschbaum’s 1998 Scouting Report. Amen.

 “This player is so big and so fast, and he does things so effortlessly, that he is either a freak of nature or very close to it. He has more natural ability than Jerry Rice and would be an all-time great who would be drafted 10 minutes before the first round began if he had Rice’s work ethic and character. But, with all his baggage, his work ethic and his playing demeanor, he could be a huge and very expensive roll-of-the-dice pick, or at least a hard player to coach who could create some problems for his team. Moss could either be the best or the worst pick of the first round, and I doubt anyone can say with certainty which way he will go.”

• Back in Miami, Jason Taylor should never be late for practice and have plenty of time to wax his eyebrows and pick up burgers for Cameron Wake.
• Willis McGahee takes his aged knees and virile loins to Denver, where Tebow will joyously receive a (clearly) “Pro-Life” teammate.
• Cedric Benson began his week by getting arrested for assault again, and came full-circle as he was obviously re-signed by the Bengals.
• Albert Haynesworth finally meets his match in the sideline “I’m-going-to-break-you-in-two-and-then-defile-your-wife” scowl contest. Still you, Coach Belichick.
• Derek Anderson close to signing with Carolina. Ron Rivera offers resignation.
• Following Free Agency period, Sensationalist Sports Media to name Philadelphia Eagles champions of Super Bowl XXVI. Season cancelled. shit.

Health Clinic Bombed. Media Yawns. I Wipe Pizza Sauce On My Shirt Because I Don’t Want To Get Off The Couch And Get A Napkin

Planned Parenthood is the ACORN of the 2010’s.  But instead of stealing elections via voter fraud registering people to vote, PP is stealing the precious liberties of our womens by providing them access to pap smears.

Holly Morgan, director of media relations and communications for Planned Parenthood in Dallas, said their McKinney health center located on Eldorado Parkway was “attacked” between 10 and 11 p.m. Tuesday with an incendiary device.

The person or persons involved in the attack threw a Molotov cocktail, consisting of diesel fuel in a glass bottle with a lit rag, at the building. Morgan said the device did not penetrate the front of the clinic but did cause some serious damage.

I’ve seen no media coverage of this other than on “progressive” outlets like Jezebel. This is pretty typical, as attacks on PP aren’t necessarily uncommon. Maybe they’re busy watching some wingnuts walk back their defense of Norweigian murderer and glamour-shot-addict Anders Behring Breivik’s ideologies, if not his actions.  Whether clad in a turban, cowboy hat or wool scarf, a right-wing extremist is a right-wing extremist.

BTW, this clinic didn’t perform abortions.  As fabricated attacks on ACORN were transparently anti-poor, so are the PP attacks anti-women.  That is, unless your idea of women-as-womb-property/sandwich-maker remains.

Dick Vitale To Grant Obligatory Pardon To Egomaniacal Coaching Legend In 3…2…1…

leggo his ego

“In our program, the truth is the basis of all that we do. There is nothing more important than the truth because there’s nothing more powerful than the truth. Consequently, on our team, we always tell one another the truth. We must be honest with one another. There is no other way.”  Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Duke and the NCAA are investigating whether an NCAA recruiting rule was violated when coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly offered a scholarship to a recruit during a summer tournament.

The scholarship offer to five-star prospect Alex Poythress came on Tuesday night, after Poythress’ AAU team was eliminated from the AAU Super Showcase in Orlando, Fla.

Poythress confirmed the offer to CBSSports.com on Thursday, and said he spoke to Krzyzewski when he received the offer.

“It felt pretty good,” Poythress said of the offer. “It was pretty exciting to talk to Coach K. He said he saw me play at the Super Showcase and Peach Jam, and he liked what he saw.”

NCAA rules prevent coaches from contacting players before they are finished playing in tournaments. While the Georgia Stars were indeed eliminated from the Super Showcase, they were still in Orlando for the AAU Nationals. Players have to be dispersed from the team in order for a coach to talk to them.

On Sunday, Duke responded via spokesman Jon Jackson. “Proper adherence to NCAA bylaws has always been, and will continue to be, a cornerstone of Duke athletics,” the statement said.

Poythress is a 6-foot-7 forward from Northeast (Tenn). He is ranked No. 15 in CBSSports.com’s Top 100.

I don’t think Poythress is not starting out on the right foot by telling the truth about his recruiting timeline. God willing, Maybe Coach K can berate his mother for not putting program first (see William Avery).

However, if Alex can partially replace Kyle Singler’s productivity in a couple of years, all will be good in the Krzyzewsk Kingdom.

CBB recruiting violation season! Catch the fever.  Although, I’ll take a (NCAA Pres) Mark Emmert press conference over watching UCONN/Butler play ‘basketball’ any day.

Gratuitous World’s 2011 Summer Homebuyer Guide!

another money pit?! how adorable!

Yes, we know you’re pretty much broke like the rest of us, but if you + a few dozen pals have sold sperm, eggs + plasma for the past 18 months, it’s a great time to buy a home. I mean, they’re already calling you a yuppie, so you might as well hold title to a fraction of property. Here are some places to settle down…

Indiana:  Midwest sensibilities. Affordable houses. Property tax caps. Enough to put you at ease for an afternoon of love-making on the zebra-skin rug.  Light some Amish-made candles. Melt some Amish butter. Put on that Mellencamp-Mix. It’s a great day – all the clichés are clicking. Then…whoa, holy shit! 4 cops open the front door and walk into your duplex without taking their shoes off. ‘Hey, that’s not right!’ you think. Haha, joke’s on you asshole, because Indiana’s Supreme Court just overturned centuries of common law by deciding if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason or no reason at all, a homeowner cannot do anything to block the officer’s entry.  In this case, they just wanted to watch you bone because your cul-de-sac is boring and this will liven up their day much more than watching the old lady down the street try to get the local paper off her roof with a broom handle. Also, no one gives a shit about the Fourth Amendment anymore because, well… I’m not really sure why, but they don’t.  Anyway, distracted by the intrusion of law enforcement officers and sheer panic, you bust through that Trojan and right into your old lady (worst Penthouse Forum letter ever!). Normally, this is an honest mistake rectified by quick stop at Planned Parenthood for trusty Plan B and the comfort of an understanding public health worker. But awww shit…you can’t because that Planned Parenthood is closed! When you go next door to drown your resignation with maple syrup at Applebee’s, you realize the established truth which is that every election year needs a non-profit organization that assists the poor and marginalized to be a GOP scapegoat!  Family Planning is evil.  But like I said – the intrusiveness of property tax is limited!!! Indiana –All Up In Your Business. Live it.

Iowa:  Caucus season is here and this time it’s just the Republicans. Enjoy a free market glass of distilled Ethylbenzene Water with Ron Paul.  Talk War of 1812 and the Jetsons‘ trivia with Michelle Bachmann. Play a game of horseshoes with Tim Pawlen-zzzzzzzzzzz.  What’s that? This is your chance to get patronized and pandered to by a handful of begging presidential aspirants. Throw ripe fruit at Rick Santorum. Who cares! It’s your world.  Iowa – No Shame In That

Orlando – You elected one of the health care industry’s biggest criminals as governor, so I guess that brings with it pro’s and con’s.

homeless + starving OR Goofy? you make the call.

Anyway, this city’s most beloved figure is a Mouse, a Mouse who they throw parades for every half hour in front of a castle, while jackasses sweat in 95% humidity and hoist turkey legs into the sky, chortling with mass approval. It’s really an amazing place. While this Mouse lives in a castle (probably surrounded by the skulls of dissenters and W.E.D.), some humans aren’t so lucky.

Orlando police arrested five more activists from behind a makeshift buffet table at Lake Eola Park on Wednesday evening, bringing to a dozen the number charged in the past week with violating city restrictions on feeding the homeless.

The members of the group Food Not Bombs were ladling out corn on the cob, rice, beans and watermelon to about 35 people when they were handcuffed…

They were violating a controversial city ordinance that prohibits sharing food with large groups in a downtown city park more than twice a year. Food Not Bombs has been fighting the ordinance but lost a legal appeal in April, clearing the way for the city to begin enforcement.

This is a great use of police resources: No homeless people. No proactively compassionate people.  Bam! 2 birds, one stone – which is totally the means by which these people will now have to feed themselves. Orlando: Bow To The Mouse Or GTFO.

Enjoy! Happy Hunting!

What A Waste Of City Res – Awwwwwwww… :)

Remember: It's always the one you least expect.

Here’s a nice story. Government and the citizenry working together to help those water fowl most in need (at least until their mother disowns them for carrying the suffocating stench of humanity). No, just kidding. Everything’s going to be ok.

[It started at] 7:30 p.m. when Jamie Holbrook was leaving work and was going to her car on the fifth floor of a Streeterville parking garage when she spotted the duck family there.

“It took three hours, (but) I led her out of the garage,” with her ducklings following in tow, Holbrook said. She left them to a small park area near East Pearson Street, where she thought they would be safe.

She returned to the garage, got her car but when she got onto Lake Shore Drive she saw the ducks trying to cross the roadway with Good Samaritan Joseph Daley stopping traffic and guiding cars around the ducks.

Holbrook stopped and scooped up some of the ducklings in a large plastic container.

But two of the ducklings couldn’t be caught before they fell through the grate of a storm drain.

“One got out,” Daley said, but the other had fallen too far into the basin.

As police were protecting the rescuers from traffic, firefighters attempted to pry the grate off with metal stakes. When that effort proved unsuccessful, a Streets and San truck attached a chain to the grate and pulled it off.

Another Good Samaritan reached down and scooped out the trapped duckling in his hat. (SO CUTE!)

Through it all, the mother duck was waiting patiently by, said Holbrook, who was trying to contact a bird rescue organization to take care of the family.

Before anyone starts judging city services for going above + beyond for these aimless wanderers, please note these birds received no warnings from the city to stay off LSD, unlike the countless idiots stuck on the road during last February’s record blizzard.

Rahm’s really making a difference.

But seriously, those ducklings in the Austin neighborhood better learn how to fucking fend for themselves.

Assault With Intent To Nourish?

Weddings can be an excellent time.  You load up. You party. You dance to the latest Beyonce’ song sung by some 40 year-old white guy with a perm. You have the inevitable domestic incident, and then…

Robinette. Allegedly.

According to the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the area after receiving calls about a domestic dispute.  When they arrived, a man told them that he had been attending a wedding at the facility with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in a car.

Delaware County (OH) Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman, who was identified as Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, but she refused to cooperate.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

At which point the deputies were frozen with fear, or merely enamored with the exposed right titty, and couldn’t dodge Robinette’s secretion.

America’s Mothers. Our greatest resource.

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Antlers

The Antlers – Burst Apart

Well-balanced and fairly well-structured by virtue of its lively acidity and fruit flavors without being syrupy or over the top.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while:  scrutinizing that basal cell on your forehead.

Vancouver Spring

One of those goalies was better than the other.

But neither riot, nor backpack, nor pavement, nor Tim Thomas could stop this young man from scoring.

Winner.

 

America’s Most Awful Future Presidential Candidate Also Pretty Awful In The Recent Past And All Other Times

"In the same way therefore not one of you can be my disciple if he does not renounce all his own possessions." haha that's not about gays or abortion so it doesnt really count.

Rick Perry is shamelessly self-promoting his South-by-ChristWest festival, where people from all walks of christianity will be welcomed to the Houston Texans’ stadium in order to skip the meal between breakfast and brunch fast and pray for Jesus to fix the state budget, or in the alternative, probably something related to college football.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle divulges some interesting information:

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million, according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave about half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

By comparison, Americans averaged gifts of nearly 1.2 percent of their income to churches and religious groups from 2004 to 2008, according to Empty Tomb Inc., an Illinois-based research firm specializing in U.S. church-giving trends.

Perry will probably run for president because he’s in the hole to the Man Upstairs by about 35,000, plus points.

It’s possible one would think the callous execution of innocent people would deter one’s political prospects.  Obviously, we’re not all on the same page here because I guess Jesus crossed the Delaware and signed the Dead Sea Scrolls to protect the liberty of property-owning, rickets-free white men. So this lack of charitable contribution will probably be looked upon fondly by his base.

Pakistan Arrests CIA’s Bin Laden Informants Because Of Course They Do

Our bestest ally playing all hard-to-get again.

Pakistan’s top military spy agency has arrested five CIA informants who fed information to U.S. intelligence before the raid last month which killed Osama bin Laden, The New York Times reported on Wednesday.

The fate of the CIA informants arrested in Pakistan was unclear, the newspaper reported, citing American officials.

Though they’re pretty sure their fate includes the employment of  jumper cables in some manner.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. also, mutant super-mosquitos and John Lithgow.

The Honorable Thing To Do

Last year, Evan Bayh received the predictably revisionist, ‘dead celebrity’ treatment. The consummate beltway politician, perfect corporatist, moderate on social issues, husband to a Wellpoint board member, Bayh was hailed as a brave man who was just too damn tired of trying to accomplish something of substance.

'haha, i don't give a shit about your job at all. lolz!'

Once he had done his duty by killing the public option, he proclaimed he couldn’t handle DC anymore.

He was so above it all. Above the partisanship. Above the inactivity of the US Senate. Above the idea of getting trounced in the ’10 GOP wave, saying…

“I want to be engaged in an honorable line of work.”

Never has the word ‘relatively’ felt so left out. After taking a job as a Fox News contributor, he locked himself into a gig with a private equity firm, Apollo Global Management, where he could honor the pastime of fighting regulatory reform.

Today, the esteemed Senator has joined with [former Bush Chief of Staff/side-part guru] Andy Card on the most honorable crew around, the Special Olympics, suburban Jacksonville BDSM Society, U.S. Chamber of Congress.

The Chamber’s hiring of Bayh, a big name in Washington circles, will only help its efforts to delay or kill new regulatory legislation in Congress. Indeed, [Chamber Spokemsman] Donohue’s memo touts how the Chamber has filed legal briefs to challenge the validity of President Obama’s health care reform bill; successfully delayed a new Securities and Exchange Commission rule on giving shareholders a say on corporate directors; unveiled plans to undermine the clout of the fledgling Consumer Financial Protection Bureau; and delayed a rule forcing companies to disclose when they use conflict minerals from the Congo in their products. Bayh and Card, the memo says, will help the Chamber push this pro-corporate agenda in Washington and beyond.

I can’t think of a better homage to a Senate career distinguished only by constantly flirting with failed runs for the presidency and shilling for his honorable corporate overlords.  Go get ’em, Evan.

Grown Man’s Letter To A Specific Location – Nashville

Dear Nashville,

Good afternoon. I hope this letter finds you well.  I’m sure it finds you dirty.  How’s your day going? I hope you found something constructive to do with the self-respect I left somewhere around town this weekend.

one of your resident's myspace photo. yep.

Let’s just get this of the way:  I’m guessing there are a lot of places where the lines between stripper and prostitute get blurred like the vision of that 52-year old Jimmy Buffett fan from Fayetteville. Not sure how many do it with such gusto. Your character is concealed like the handguns of your bar patrons.  Kudos.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing you to discuss the sex trade.  I don’t have the kind of money you’re looking for.

But I do have a question. They call you ‘Music City.’ Is that something you came up with?  Pretty ballsy to call your own number like that. I will concede that you are a city and there’s music.  However, at least in the downtown area, it’s hard to tell where one bar/band ends and another bar/band begins. (Caveat: well-done to the Saturday afternoon set band with the frontwoman who did a kickass version of “Jolene.”  Awesome.)

If you get back to me, just let me know how you can claim that title as opposed to, say, Austin.

I don’t mean to sound critical.  I like a little honky-tonk now and then. To each their own and you are certainly a fun time.  Though I’m not sure I really need to take a flight to drink dozens of beers and have a girl from suburban Chicago comment on how skinny I am.  I used to call that ‘Friday.’

But back to the music thing…There’s really a song that goes, “God is great, and Beer is Good…and People are craaaazay?”  That’s literally a hit? I hear it everywhere. Are you cool with this? Speaking of which, I’ve been working on my own country tune. Here’s what I have so far. Let me know what you think.

“21st Century Country Song”

I fly the stars n’ stripes,

I fly the stars n’ bars,

with no sense of irony

now let’s talk about cars

——-

And I like women.

I like ’em a lot.

Now somethin’ bout Jesus

We’ll give it a shot.

——–

I’m singin’ country sonnggs.  Twenty-First century country sonnnngs

Gonna say some shit about liquor and trucks

Play it on the radio, make big bucks,

I’m singin’ country songggs.

You’re welcome.

The Vanderbilt campus has some nice trees and asian grad students.  FYI

Anyway, I’m sure there are sections of town off the beaten path with some hidden gems. I’m sure someday I might get there. I’m sure someday I’ll be allowed back in a Marriott-family hotel.  I’m sure someday me and my 8 asshole buddies will rent that commercial space on 4th Street and open that community center/pharmacy. I’ll work the cash register and run the family planning department. That day is not today.

In short, it was a pleasure to come and a pleasure to go. I’ll see you again.  But we probably need a little space.  I still need to wash you off. Take care.

Sincerely,

Grown Man

Men’s Health Cover Man Also Healthy Congressman With Flair

haha matt. i believe i have that shirt in ‘blue.’ excuse me, ‘indigo.’

FOR THE RECORD, Aaron Schock (IL-18) has voted against marriage equality and the repeal of DADT.  

 

 

_________________________________________________________________

Black Guy Who Made Guest Appearance On “Scrubs” Is Too Radical For Sean Hannity

Chicago rapper Common visited the President at the White House the other day some day in the future prior to May 21st’s Rapture. Sean Hannity thinks this is inappropriate because this black guy assembles words that rhyme, and no urban influence should be welcomed in Washington D.C., a safe-haven for aristocratic agrarians and their kin.

“If this was somebody who used the same type of rhetoric about violence against President Obama I would be against it. . . . This is inappropriate for a President and he goes back to his radical roots again and again and again. Ayers, Wright, Pfleger.”

Nailed it. Commiserating with hiphop stars with econ. college credits is radical, bordering on terror-hop.  Maybe if Common did his Constitutional duty to be “a friend and frequent guest of [Hannity’s] program,” he would be welcomed into the East Wing and showered with gifts from Mary Todd Lincoln’s secret laudanum stash:

On the August 24 edition of Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes, co-host Sean Hannity aired video footage of musician and right-wing activist Ted Nugent at an August 21 concert calling Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) a “piece of shit” and referring to Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) as a “worthless bitch.” In the video clip, Nugent holds up what appear to be two assault rifles and says he told Obama “to suck on my machine gun” and says he told Clinton “you might want to ride one of these into the sunset.” After airing the clip, Hannity referred to Nugent as a “friend and frequent guest on the program,” and then compared Nugent’s comments to recent statements by Obama, which Hannity again distorted by claiming Obama “accus[ed] our troops of killing civilians.”

You can catch Sean Hannity’s self-parody weeknights on Fox News.

Beltway Wisdom. How Stuff Works

Well done, Mother Jones.

Protecting Real America’s Daughters – By Valor, Arms And Use Of The Word ‘Boy’

...and bringing your black boyfriend to thanksgiving, only to deal with the constant head shakes of your grandparents.

In Mississippi, they believe in the marriage of red beans & rice, biscuits & gravy, car frames & cinder blocks, shotguns & whiskey, not to mention the insipidly unnatural union of grits + maple syrup. But these are all inanimate objects whose commingling rights are protected by the Constitution via Citizens’ United and their obese, lobbyist governor. Oblobbernor?

teh whites peoples and teh coloreds peoples? Well.

In a PPP poll released Thursday, a 46% plurality of registered Republican voters said they thought interracial marriage was not just wrong, but that it should be illegal. 40% said interracial marriage should be legal.

Also, there will be no marriages on Dale Earnhardt’s birthday or deathday. These hilljacks hope to have their anti-miscegenation laws back in place before Usher’s 2011 Summer Tour.

Mess We Can!

In the world of global politics, President Obama has had his moments.  He was served a plate of excrement, and has managed a fairly decent record on the world stage.

However, there are exceptions:  He has failed to close Guantanamo. He has doubled-down on the empire-sodomizing black hole of Afghanistan. He got some sort of Portuguese dog, which I assume is mostly cork.

And these are sizeable exceptions.  On 90210, Ray Pruitt was a pretty good boyfriend to Donna Martin, except when he would knock her around occasionally.

Now we move to Libya, the 3rd front of our impending 12-front middle eastern military sunday fun day action.

I’m no strict constructionist. In fact, self-proclaimed “strict constructionists” are usually unreasonable and unhinged longbeards with homemade napalm, or (in most cases), politically motivated clowns who hold these views only when self-servingly expedient.

However, I can’t deny the fact that this is another unilateral executive power grab I genuinely abhor.

 As Greenwald points out:

The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation.

As Commander-in-Chief, the President does have a duty to protect and defend the United States. In instances of self-defense, the President would be within his constitutional authority to act before advising Congress or seeking its consent.

I understand that it’s hard to put that Executive Power Genie Back in the bottle. 50+ years of unchecked war partying will do that.

But despite the qualifiers trotted out by the President, there’s no getting around the blatant abuse of power this action constitutes. As Michael Lind points out in his excellent reading of constitutional / international law:

However, while the Security Council can authorize member states to undertake a war for purposes other than national or regional self-defense, it cannot order any country to do so. The U.S. agreed to participate in the United Nations only because the U.N. charter makes it clear that each member state has the right to decide, on the basis of its internal constitutional processes, whether to take part in an enforcement action authorized by the Security Council.

In other words, there are two distinct systems of authorization, one international and one national. Under international law, the U.S. lacks the authority to engage in wars unrelated to its own defense or that of its allies. Security Council action might lift that legal restraint. But once the Security Council has acted, Congress must still authorize the military action by formal voting, not by mere “consultation” with the president.

Yes, Qaddafi is crazy. Yes, he controls a lot of oil, and this country uses a lot of refined oil to fuel its transport vehicles and Japanese sex dolls (diesel).  But if we’re truly just going around protecting citizens of other countries from their crazy despots, we still have dozens to go. I’m not sure we want tio get into that. (d.r.a.f.t?)

Eugene Robinson took a moment from his affable chuckling to write an excellent article this morning. This about sums it up…

Gaddafi is crazy and evil; obviously, he wasn’t going to listen to our advice about democracy. The world would be fortunate to be rid of him. But war in Libya is justifiable only if we are going to hold compliant dictators to the same standard we set for defiant ones. If not, then please spare us all the homilies about universal rights and freedoms. We’ll know this isn’t about justice, it’s about power.

Amen.

Same Writ, Different Decade

aging wastefully

When Obama hired Kumar as some sort of White House liaison to Hollywood’s less fortunate, I hoped he would turn the page on the indefinite detention of Guantanamo’s Uncharged Prisoners – a/k/a ‘Havana-Go-Home’ – the world’s biggest a capella group.

In fact, one of his first decrees as President was to ‘close Guantanamo prisons.’ But that was way back in 2009, before he implemented corporate Sharia law on our unsuspecting country.

When it comes to military commissions and indefinite detention, President Obama never listened to candidate Obamz. Why? Don’t you read US Weekly’s Executive Order section? 54% think BO drafted it better. (28% thought W and for some reason, 18% went with Emily Blunt.)

the order establishes indefinite detention as a long-term Obama administration policy and makes clear that the White House alone will manage a review process for those it chooses to hold without charge or trial.

Nearly two years after Obama’s pledge to close the prison at Guantanamo, more inmates there are formally facing the prospect of lifelong detention and fewer are facing charges than the day Obama was elected.

Conveniently, the White House blames this on Congress, and its bedwetters like Peter King who are scared shitless about heavily guarded, malnourished Pakistanis setting foot on American soil to stand trial.

But as Greenwald points out, this is what we in the cliche industry would call a ‘red herring.’ 

It is true that Congress — with the overwhelming support of both parties — has enacted several measures making it much more difficult, indeed impossible, to transfer Guantanamo detainees into the U.S. But long before that ever happened, Obama made clear that he wanted to continue the twin defining pillars of the Bush detention regime: namely, (1) indefinite, charge-free detention and (2) military commissions (for those lucky enough to be charged with something). Obama never had a plan for “closing Guantanamo” in any meaningful sense; the most he sought to do was to move it a few thousand miles north to Illinois, where its defining injustices would endure….

It was Barack Obama’s position — not that of Congress — that detainees could and should be denied trials, that our court system was inadequate and inappropriate to try them, and that he possessed the unilateral, unrestrained power under the “laws of war” to order them imprisoned for years, even indefinitely, without bothering to charge them with a crime and without any review by the judiciary, in some cases without even the right of habeas review (to see why claims of such “law of war” detention power are so baseless, see the points here, especially point 5).In other words, Obama — for reasons having nothing to do with Congress — worked from the start to preserve the crux of the Bush/Cheney detention regime. Even with these new added levels of detention review (all inside the Executive Branch), this new Executive Order is little more than a by-product of that core commitment…

Private Santiago Ahmed was never to be transferred from the base at all, was he Mr. President?!

In high school, I received a 4-hour detention for messing around and “accidentally” breaking a chalkboard. Luckily, this was before Glenn Beck revealed the sanctity of the writing surface, so I wasn’t thrown in prison at 16 – like dozens of the prisoners at Guantanamo. Maybe one of them is guilty as well.

Pitch

it's his time

This Charlie Sheen guy is getting a lot of play and it’s a little disconcerting.  CNN We need to get back to our normal lives of ignoring 6-figure protests in Madison, bitching about the Grammys and not having health insurance.  Level the universe and jettison people back to the altar of television. 

So here it is, CBS.  Bruce Vilanch and Vern Troyer in a screwball sitcom. Gold, right? I call it Jew and a Half Man. 

First one is on the house. However, my avante-garde Crispin Glover vehicle – Criminal Mimes, is going to cost you.

Governor, Is Your Refrigerator Running?

I thought the prank call era was over, but Scott Walker brought it back with panache last week. It was pretty hilarious, right? However, certain people have an inability to be self-deprecating, or otherwise laugh at their own missteps or shortcomings.  They’re called Republicans.

Legislators in Wisconsin, where Gov. Scott Walker was recently on the business end of an embarrassing prank telephone call, have decided that it is in their state’s best interest to ban prank calls. A bill currently circulating in the Wisconsin legislature, authored by Sen. Mary Lazich and Rep. Mark Honadel, both Republicans, would prevent callers from using fake voices, or phone numbers, in order to “defraud, cause harm or wrongfully obtain any information of value from” the person on the other end of the line; those found guilty of prank calls could be subject to fines of as much as $10,000.

Haha. Government needs to protect the idiots from their own idiocy.  Very good.

So where do you stand on this? Let’s say a friend of mine has a match.com account and another friend thinks it would be funny to create an account of a made-up female who also loves white cheddar cheese and the ’85 Kansas City Royals. This gorgeous non-existent female keeps sending me my friend messages exposing his loneliness and vulnerability. Long story short: Can I get $10,000 from my asshole buddy?

Feel free to call Lazich or Honadel’s offices to express your opinion. Then tell them you’re calling from Baskin Robbins and if they can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds they’ll get $31 dollars in gift certificates.

Liveblogging ALL-STARS, Celebrities & Indoor Sunglasses – AKA “Black Thanksgiving”

Steve Kerr heaving half-court shots. We must go to the same trainer.

Gasol = ostrich.  the most talented flightless bird spain has ever produced.

My Little Buddy Townes doesn’t get the WNBA either. Townes: 1 year old. Dancer. Discerning taste in soup and basketball.

“Taco Bell Skills Challenge”:  Can John Wall eat more Mexican Pizzas than DRose? Can TBell’s Executive Chef produce a product with ground beef that is lower than 30% real meat? Can someone find a seat for Eduardo Najera?

I hope the thousands of southerners who celebrated today’s 150th Treason Anniversary are taking the time to sit down to watch and listen to this exhibition of rich, talented black men, and self-indulgent hollywood ‘liberals.’ Sherman, mofo’s.

Can Stephen Curry add this Skills’ title to his plethora of NCAA awards and NBA’s “Most Jaundiced Visage” title? Good kid, though. Love all 4 of those contestants.

Cheryl Miller – glasses on or glasses off. Pick a side!

Marky Mark. Why does Red Sox gear invariably make people look like insufferable pricks?

showtime!

Stacey King Twitter Feed: “Damn I’m not watching the 3pt contest…I’m boycotting the event since they didn’t invite Kyle “Hot Sauce” Korver…What a joke!!!!”  Awesome.

Great lineup for the 3pt contest. Can KD do it? James Jones is my darkhorse, but I’m going KD.

Grown to love Ray Allen. 4 Hall of Famers rolling with the Celtics.

Why can’t ESPN ever put together a panel like TNT? Love Chuck + Kenny. Don’t hestitate to bring the critic.

RayRAy’s omnipotent mother. Standard.

Ballin’ At Holiday Inn Grand Rapids. Holla!

KD needs a hand in is face. Ouch.

Insider info, Shaq’s woman is named Hoopz. That’s hoopz, with a ‘z.’

James Jones, gunner. go snag yourself a kardashian, son.

The NBA on TNT presentss to you, The Winners of Tokyo’s Making the Band.  do it.

Chocolate Thunder: sweet outfit.

Never a huge Dunk Contest fan, but anyone who’s watching is just waiting to see Blake Griffin do something. Make it agape!

This Just In: James Jones dedicated his 3-point title to Wisconsin’s teachers. He stands with you, Ms. Schultz. On Wisconsin!

I don’t know about 50, but that shit was hot, Javale McGee!

oooh, blake.

DeRozan’s 2nd dunk was the goods. Asian child w/ fauxhawk just out-clowned Darryl Dawkins.

Wake Up The Echoes

Via the Tribune/Anna North at Jezebel.com

Last year, Elizabeth Seeberg committed suicide after an alleged sexual assault by a Notre Dame football player. Now another woman says that she was assaulted by a Notre Dame student — and that once again, the university didn’t take the case seriously.

The second woman hasn’t been named — but we’ll call her M, for St. Mary’s College, where (also like Seeberg) she was a student when the assault occurred. According to the Chicago Tribune (which also assiduously covered the Seeberg case), M reported being assaulted on Sept. 4 by a Notre Dame student in his dorm room. She was drunk and can’t remember the night, but her friends found her afterwards “with blood seeping through her denim shorts and running down her legs.” M said she was a virgin before the assault “and would never have consented to sex.”

Like Seeberg, she quickly went to Notre Dame police and underwent a medical exam. She also said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to press charges. So the police did nothing until M’s father called to complain. At that point — nearly a week after the attack — detectives made some attempt to investigate, but M said of one of them, “It seemed that protecting Notre Dame was her best interest, not me.” Ultimately, county prosecutor Michael Dvorak chose not to file charges because “It would be difficult to convince a jury that the woman was too intoxicated to give consent.”

Dvorak said the delay in investigation had no effect on his decision, but the Tribune talked to lots of experts who are critical of Notre Dame’s handling of the case. Says lawyer Barry Spector of the police department’s decision to wait, “That’s not an investigation. The suspects have a chance to get their story straight and to hire a lawyer. If you want to do a real investigation, you talk to them right away.” Other experts pointed out that police may not have wanted to pressure M to participate in an investigation during a time of trauma, but there’s a difference between giving a victim space and just not following up on her accusations (possibly in the hopes that they’d simply go away). And M and her family feel Notre Dame was guilty of the latter.

What’s more, they see a pattern. Recalling the Seeberg case, M says,

Looking back, I’m surprised that they dealt with my case in the exact same way after the loss of another student’s life. I thought that would have given them incentive to speed up my case.

Apparently not. In fact, the Notre Dame police didn’t even assign M’s case to anyone — let alone begin investigating — until 3 days after the assault occurred. The reason: “the department was stretched thin by the first home football game of the season.” Presumably some police presence was needed at the game, but, at least symbolically, this sends a disturbing message about where Notre Dame’s priorities lie.

Coach Brian Kelly: complicit, fat-fingered.

Notre Dame is a magical place.  A fucked up kingdom, taken from the pale weathered hands of the North Indiana Amish, and given to the entitled prick children of suburban Catholic royalty. A city-state where the police answer to the all-powerful football program, who in turn answers to the gold-dripped athletic department, who in turn answers to the dictatorial cabal known as the ‘Fellows’ and their Board Of Trustees.

On April 8, 1967, the Fellows of the University approved new Bylaws which, except to the extent of those powers reserved for the Fellows, delegated the general power of governance to a Board of Trustees. This Board of Trustees consists of members of the Congregation of Holy Cross as well as laymen and women. The Trustees hold at least three regular meetings each academic year and operate under the following thirteen (13) standing committees: the Executive Committee, the Governance and Nominating Committee, the Academic and Faculty Affairs Committee, the Student Affairs Committee, the Investment Committee, the Finance Committee, the University Relations/Public Affairs and Communication Committee, the Committee on Social Values and Responsibilities, the Audit Committee, the Committee on Athletic Affairs, the Facilities and Campus Planning Committee, the Compensation Committee and the International Facilities Committee.

As these sad sad stories imply, the Board cares only about the school’s reputation ($), and if some St.Mary’s co-ed has to be scarred for life by being sexually assaulted by some Busch Light fueled, super-aggro and underachieving 4-star recruit, so be it.

I picture these awful people like the Council of Cardinals, in South Bend’s version of the papal conclave – some smoke-filled room where they drink scotch and make indigent Paraguayan women walk across hot coals, just because they enjoy watching it.

I grew up a huge Notre Dame fan. I saw them beat Miami 31-30 in 1988. To this day, it is still the most memorable sporting event I attended. It was a 1 vs. 2 battle dubbed “Catholics vs. Convicts” by the self-righteous Domers.

Times have changed. Or maybe they’re just worse at cleaning up the messes. ND, Boo.

Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of christwire.org.  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a christwire.org article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post – gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website ChristWire.org. Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).

"Billings"

I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

Gratuitous Video: At Least This Taint-Drunk Irish Guy Doesn’t Disrespect The Presidency By Using The Word ‘Dude’

The White House loves sending the President on this guy’s show. Maybe he’ll persuade this contempt-filled tabloid hack and all the objective FN viewers that he’s not MuslimPaganMansonMustard.

Dickishness > Informality.

Hearts & Minds, people. Hearts? Umm. Minds? If you say so.

“It’s Like Cairo Has Moved To Madison”…And They’re All Standing In Line At The KK

February Is Clearly Black  History  Wisconsin? Fuck! Month.

First it was the Super Bowl. For the Christina Aguilera (and Bears’) fan in me, it wasn’t a very good time.  Then it was 2 weeks of bad weather and Rep. Paul Ryan’s hilarious budget proposal. Now it’s Governor Scott Walker’s time to shine as this week’s  biggest dick. Next thing you know, the BoDeans will cancel their 2/20 date in Eau Clare.

This morning, trusty Paul Ryan took to that show with the Starbucks’ -shilling hosts who conduct speed-dating interviews so they can get to the next commercial break before sharting themselves.

Host Mika Brzezinski asked Ryan what he made of the protests and Walker’s “stand.”

“He is basically saying, state workers, which have extremely generous benefit packages relative to their private sector counterparts, they contribute next to nothing to their pensions, very, very little in their health care packages,” Ryan responded “He’s asking that they contribute about 12% for their health care premiums, which is about half of the private sector average, and about 5.6% to their pensions. It’s not asking a lot, it’s still about half of what private sector pensions do and health care packages do. So he’s basically saying, I want you public workers to pay half of what our private sector counterparts are, and he’s getting, you know, riots. It’s like Cairo has moved to Madison these days. It’s just, all of this demonstration. It’s fine, people should be able to express their way, but we’ve got to get this deficit and debt under control in Madison, if we want to have a good business climate and job creation in Wisconsin.”

egypt. wait, no. madison.

They have intellectual dishonesty there, too! Though I’m sure Mika would’ve called him on it if she wasn’t distracted by sheer tensity of her ass-muscles.

Rep. Ryan – That is not what the protests are about.  All parties recognize the budget crises in many statehouses. It’s not about a possible rise in pension/health care contributions.  The protests are about Wisconsin’s GOP stripping the bargaining rights of workers – protective rights held for generations.

Add in a dash of ‘let’s threaten to call the national guard to enforce our police state on their brothers and sisters,’ and the milk is starting to curdle. 

And yes – Madison is just like Cairo! Except that most Wisconsites are 3 times the size and only beat their women after Packers’ losses.

If Paul Ryan wants to see Madtown riot, he should get there on Halloween or that Saturday night when daylight savings time causes the bars to close an hour before the logically drunk think they should close. Maybe he can dress as that new lanky guy on The Office (gabe?). Or as Rick Berry’s non-athletic son.

I could get on my organized labor soapbox – it’s my new speciality. Age of Prosperity, empowered workers, how real wages for the middle class have not risen in over 20 years, and blahbalhblah.  But it’s too late for that.

This bill will pass and the I’m guessing a lot of responsibility should be placed on the people who sat on the bench last November, hurt and obsessed with Mike McCarthy’s 4th and 1 call at Detroit, while your obese uncles were squeezing into the polling booth to pull the lever for this teabaggin’ dragon. 

As Russ Feingold said, we’re looking at the ‘Gilded Age on Steroids.‘ Well done, Scott Walker. You win.

Gratuitous World Is Now On Twitter #LOLZ

I’ve run out of internet.  The Tribune-CBS Sports-TPM-Wonkette cycle does not lend itself to meeting the FDA’s recommended daily doses of procrastination.

Hello, Romania! Be gentle.

Gratuitous World On Twitter.

Tumbleweeds Through The Village As Lovely Minuteman Leader Convicted Of Killing Brown Americans

Arizona has been doing a lot better since this…

Forde: One if by Land, Two if by Cold Blooded Homicide

A Pima County jury convicted Shawna Forde today (2/14) of two counts of first-degree murder in the May 30, 2009 deaths of Arivaca residents Raul Junior Flores and his 9-year-old daughter, Brisenia.

The jury also convicted Forde of attempted first-degree murder in the shooting of Flores’ wife, Gina Gonzalez, as well as related aggravated assault and robbery counts.

On the first day of the trial, which has gained national attention (the HN scroll bar), Gonzalez testified her husband woke her to say the police were at the door. The woman at the door identified herself and the man with her as law enforcement officers looking for fugitives, Gonzalez said.

When her husband questioned the veracity of their story, Gonzalez said the gunman opened fire, shooting her husband and Gonzalez. As Gonzalez played dead on the floor, the gunman fired two bullets into their youngest daughter’s head, despite the little girl’s pleas…

Moments after the couple and two accomplices left, Gonzalez testified the woman returned to find her on the phone with 911 and called out to the gunman to finish her off. Gonzalez said she fled to the kitchen, armed herself and fired back when the gunman tried to kill her again. He then fled.

Forde, Jason Bush, 36, and Albert Gaxiola, 44, were arrested within two weeks of the slayings. Bush, the alleged gunman, and Gaxiola are scheduled to go to trial March 15 and June 1, respectively.

Prosecutors Rick Unklesbay and Kellie Johnson presented evidence they said showed Forde recruited Gaxiola, Bush and others to rob Flores because she suspected he was a drug smuggler and she needed a way to fund her Minuteman American Defense border organization.

Just is case this may be construed as an act of domestic terrorism, CNN (et. al) will be very careful not to call this an act of domestic terrorism.