Lobbyist Governor Stands By Great American Racist

Haley Barbour took a moment from gnawing on a pig’s ear to loosen his double-windsor and chortle a coded defense of a Confederate hero from the American Civil War (1861-2011):

Asked by reporters today in Jackson, Mississippi, Barbour not only refused to denounce efforts by some to create a license plate honoring Confederate general and Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan Bedford Forrest. He said he was out of the denouncing business altogether.

“I don’t go around denouncing people,” said Barbour, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger reports. “That’s not going to happen. I don’t even denounce the news media.”

Forrest

Barbour also added: “I know there’s not a chance it’ll become law.”

Forrest was a slave trader before the Civil War, who became known during the war for his significant innovations in military strategy — and also, the paper notes, for leading a massacre of captured black Union troops at Fort Pillow, Tennessee. He founded the Ku Klux Klan after the war, but later left the organization.

This country was built on the backs of people bought, sold, and killed by Nathan Bedford Forrest. What a hero. Haley Barbour’s 3-legged-race buddy Tony Hayward thanks you for your inspiration.

Give certain people the chance to fly their intolerance flag via car accessories, and they’ll take a half day of work off to stand in line at the Secretary of State’s office.

The Legacy of Civil Rights: Racism doesn’t die. It just gets more passive-aggressive.  USA!

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Diamond Rings

 Diamond Rings – Special Affections

 Somewhat smooth on the palate, the fruit flavors are well-balanced, while the finish is somewhat one note and a little too dry, almost astringent.

Grade: B

Listen to this while:  playing Nintendo Wii jai lai.

This Week In Sun

Our Sun: Life-Giving Star? Reality Show Stage Light? Raisin-Peddling Junkie God?

It’s a mystery that can only be unlocked by a series of Time/Life books.

this is the sun.

And in much of Russia, these infomercials have yet to run between the mid-day Just The Ten Of Us marathons.

In a survey released this week, 32 percent of Russians believed the Earth was the center of the Solar system; 55 percent that all radioactivity is man-made; and 29 percent that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth.

“It’s really quite amazing,” spokeswoman Olga Kamenchuk said of the survey that polled 1,600 people across Russia’s regions in January, with a 3.4-percent margin of error…

However, people tend to forget what they have been taught at school if it is not part of daily use, she added: “I wonder whether our colleagues in other countries would find any different.”

Haha, of course they do, you borscht-bathing astronomical peons – stop spitting nonsense like an off-brand Uzbeki Speak n’ Spell!

Umm…

What could it be? Play it close to the denim vest, people. The Cajun gulag is the worst gulag.

Smokin’ Pot Momma (Updated)

I posted this last September. Evidently, six months later the gag order has been lifted and the driver wants to plead his case. He must be worried the 100 post views might sway near west suburban public opinion and make it hard livin’ for anyone associated. And you know what? Good for him.  I wasn’t there, so I’ll let the young man defend himself.  Much more compelling than the Pioneer Press account. Stop mailing it in, local journalists! Yes, you.

The comment is listed unedited below. Not only is he allegedly related to the the passenger, but judging by the use of CAPS and “!!!!,” he’s quite possibly related to Kanye as well. Good luck, Giovanni.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I know this intersection!

A driver who allegedly refused to cooperate with police orders admitted he smoked the last of his marijuana so police wouldn’t find any in his car, according to River Forest police reports.

Giovanni Lyles-Dawson, of 2042 S. 14th Ave., Broadview, was stopped by River Forest police at 6:09 p.m. Sept. 9 on Thatcher Avenue at Greenfield Street for allegedly having expired license plates.

When police approached the car, they smelled a strong odor of marijuana, reports said.

When they asked Lyles-Dawson to step out of the car, he refused, locked the door, rolled up the window and repeatedly refused officer’s requests to get out of the vehicle.

Police then asked his passenger and mother, Jayne Dawson, of 16901 Napa St., North Hills, Calif., to step out, but she reportedly also rolled up her window and locked her door.

When police were finally able to convince Lyles-Dawson to leave the car, he reportedly said, “I smoke weed. There’s no weed in the car because I smoked it all.”

Besides being ticketed for expired plates, Lyles-Dawson was arrested for obstructing a police officer, possession of drug paraphernalia, and an arrest warrant for nonpayment of child support.

His mom was charged with obstructing police.

Obstruction for Ms. Dawson? I’m not into that.  Stay in that car mama. But the dude using his child support cash for weed money? C’mon, buddy. You’re better than that.

Or probably not.

Update: Please give these locals some traffic @ http://www.pioneerlocal.com/riverforest/news/2709986,river-forest-ismokeweed-091410-s1.article.  That’s all she’s asking….

Update 2/12/11…

ITS NOT RIGHT THAT YOU ONLY GET THE RACES RIVERFORST POLICE SIDE OF THE STORY! WHEN THEY DONT TELL YOU HOW THE WHOLE TRUETH, ON WHAT REALLY HAPPEN THAT DAY. YES I DO SMOKE WEED ONLY!!! AND NOT EVERY DAY LIKE I MIGHT WANT AT TIMES AND NOT DRIVING THREW A RACES TOWN LIKE RIVER FORST. BUT THE PART THEY LEFT OUT WAS I WAS TRAVELING NORTH ON THATCHERED RD.TO PICK UP MY BROTHER FROM WORK ANT CVS, THEY WERE COMING SOUTH MADE A U TURN ON A SIGLE LAND ROAD TO RUN MY PLATE WHICH WAS EXSPIRED (NOT KNOWING AT THE TIME) I PULLED OVER AND I OFFERED TO GIVE THE POLICE MY DL AND INSURANCE CARD HE TOLD ME HE DONT NEED THE INSURANCE CARD AND TOOK MY DL WENT BACK TO HIS CAR RAN MY NAME. WHEN HE CAME BACK TO THE CAR HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT SO I ASK WHY WHAT DID I DOHE SAID YOUR PLATE ARE EXSPIRED SO I SAID SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE ME A TICKICT, HIS PARTNER THEN TRYED TO PULL THE DOOR OPEN AND SAID WE DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU SHIT BECAUSE WE ARE THE POLICE IN FEAR OF THESE RACES POLICE I ROLLED THE WINDOW UP. MY MOTHER WHO WAS SITTING THERE GOT SCRARED AS WELL AND ASK WHAT WAS GOING ON THE SAME POLICE MAN CAME TO HER SIDE AND TOLD HER TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR BUT SHE COULDNT BECAUSE I HAD THE AUTO MATIC LOOKS ON. I THEN SAY WHY ARE YALL ACTIN LIKE THIS I HAD MY SEAT BELT ON I WASNT SPEEDING MY DL IS STRAIT WHATS WRONG HE THEN SAID YOUR PLATES ARE EXSPIRED AND I SMELL WEED!!!! SO I TOLD HIM THERE NO WEED IN THE CAR BUT U MIGHT SMELL IT ON ME BECAUSE I DO SMOKE BUT YOU DONT GOT TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES. THEN I GOT OUT THEY LOOK THEW THE CAR AND ME FOUND NOTHING TOOK ME AND MY MOTHER TO JAIL AND LET MY BROTHER DRIVE THE CAR HOME!!!!!!!!!!

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“”SO I TOLD HIM THERE NO WEED IN THE CAR BUT U MIGHT SMELL IT ON ME BECAUSE I DO SMOKE BUT YOU DONT GOT TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES.”

Amen to that. Godspeed, Giovanni. And keep us posted.

Liveblogging: SnowMyGod We’re All Going To Die IV – 3rd Coast

shit’s pretty snowy and windy.

more later.

Step off, Egypt.

Snowly S***!, Again?!

Some people reminisce about past snow storms as others do about Dead shows.

Yep

Armchair Gladiators

Am I really doing this? I don’t want to do this. I would much rather let the NFL Season pass into the night with its fast-food-sub parity and dozens of babbling talking heads, low on grey matter, yet high on decibels. I would much rather turn my attention to a considerably more likeable Chicago sports figure, and current leader in the race for NBA MVP. I would much rather hang an active beehive from my left ear lobe.

However, this morning I turned on the radio and caught myself listening to the haughty and self-important Mark Schlereth, prattling on as he does – like the motivational speaker at the National Reacharound Convention. But more about him below.

5 days later and the nonsense hasn’t stopped. It has made a very frustrating and painful loss that much more infuriating. So I can’t help myself…

1^st, I don’t want to defend Jay Cutler.  He’s not a likeable guy. On the field, his mechanics are inconsistent. When rattled, his downfield reads can be questionable. Still, he is the best quarterback the Bears have suited up in the Modern era.

But these issues are neither here nor there in this case. He’s a villain, and cast as such, just as Peyton Manning is the hero,  Conrad Dobler was the crazy, and Tony Siragusa-in-drag is the perfect Sicilian Grandmother. Why? It’s probably a few things not related to his on-field performance. Again, he might not be the greatest guy, though he’s not a criminal and does a lot of charity work under the radar. He’s aloof, and seemingly indifferent much of the time.  Perhaps his most egregious offense in the minds of these critics is his failure to placate the media with the meaningless clichés, or do the forced rah-rah Tebow-act that professional athletes don’t even like in most cases. His PR is terrible, which makes it that much easier to focus on a 3 second cutaway that shows his smirking jerkface.  By the way, what’s a 3 second snapshot of you at work likely to produce? Maybe it will show your brilliance or collegiality, but more likely it will show you itching your grundle. The fact is, he doesn’t care about his public perception, and those shallow hacks who prefer to pick at the cosmetic scabs of most stories don’t like that.

But here’s the deal: I don’t care that he doesn’t care about that stuff.  Leave it on the field and I’ll judge you by your performance.  Yes, when the stars of your favorite team are more likeable, it’s definitely an added bonus (see Derrick Rose).  I also think it’s great when public figures such as athletes are truly ‘good guys.’ It’s awesome that Luol Deng contributes so much time and resources to helping the people of Southern Sudan. But I’ll package the one-time NBA Man of the Year, and whatever garbage salaries and draft picks necessary, on the first Frontier flight out of Midway if it brings back the enigmatic Carmelo Anthony.  If I wanted to watch nice people do nice things, I’d bring a six-pack and lawn chair  down to the Salvation Army.

But the reflexive ambush from 3 groups has been unlike anything I’ve ever seen in sports, and has been considerably more reminiscent of ever-present, baseless political “issues,” such as ‘death panels’ or ‘9/11 Conspiracies.’ At the very least, it has certainly been something I have never encountered as a religious Chicago sports fan.

I mean, Scottie Pippen chose to sit out the final 1.8 seconds of an Eastern Conference Semis game against the rival Knicks, and the reaction was nothing like this.  That’s ‘quitting.’ That’s ‘pouting.’  The dude’s still not tipping 15% on the full tab when he gets comp’d a free dessert around town. It’s ridiculous.

The 3 ‘groups’ I refer to are as follows – Current NFL Players, Ex-Players and the National Sports Media, and finally, Many of My Fellow Bears’ Fans (you know who you are)…

But first the facts: (My information is primarily derived from 3 sources – WBBM Bears’ Sideline and beat-reporter Zach Zaidman, WSCR’s Bears’ Insider and former beat reporter Lawrence Holmes, and Pro Football Weekly Editor, and longtime Bears’ expert Hub Arkush. These guys have a history of objectivity and 100,000x’s more knowledge as to the actual facts on the ground than 99% of all the mouth-breathers making grandiose assumptions and judgments at their whim to fit the fixed narrative, all the while gesticulating like retarded sea lions.  Finally, there’s GW’s Senior NFL hack – me.)

First of all, the dude has been absolutely DESTROYED for 2 years. Sacked almost 60 times this year, and hit dozens of others. Yes, 57 fucking times. 92 sacks in 2 years with the Bears. 51 in 3 years with Denver and their decent-not-great O-Line.  As a point of reference, Peyton Manning has never been sacked more than 29 times in any of his 13 NFL seasons.

Cutler played with a below-average (at best) WR unit, and without a doubt, the league’s worst offensive line. Throw in his 3rd offensive system in 3 years, and it’s amazing he has only missed 1 full (+ 2 half) games in his career.

The 1 game Cutler missed coincidentally followed the Giants debacle earlier this year, when he was sacked an NFL-record 9 times in the 1st half.  After Osi Umenyiora + Co. were done repeatedly bouncing Cutler’s head off the Meadowlands’ turf.  The concussed Cutler stayed in for another series, but was eventually pulled by team doctors because he walked back to the wrong huddle.  Hilarious! Total weak sister!

After that, it was revealed Cutler failed to disclose previous concussions while getting his ass kicked by the SEC criminals when playing at undermanned Vanderbilt.  But because he’s kind of docuhebag, when this was disclosed in the Chicago press, he was the bad guy then as well – because he wanted to play and was selfishly (and allegedly) failing to fully disclose his injuries to his teams at the time.

As for the NFC Championship (that was actually painful to type – which is partly why it took me awhile to get here…), Cutler wasn’t having a good game. Missed Hester twice before the injury, once badly. He was hurt early in the 2nd Quarter, probably on that inside rush when the Bears were backed up at their own goal line (where did that Packers’ ST performance come from?).

While he wasn’t ‘lights-out’ before this, the training and coaching staff knew something was wrong, and it clearly showed in the passes that fluttered from his hand as he was unable to properly plant his left foot.

According to Zaidman, the training staff + Martz wanted him benched at halftime, but Cutler begged the coaching staff to let him start the 2nd half.  He did. It wasn’t good. He missed Hester badly on a drag route over the middle on a key 3rd down. After that, it was on to Todd Collins – and if anyone wants to make the statement that Old Man Adam’s Apple didn’t want to be out there, I have no argument for you.

The diagnosis came later – Cutler has a partially torn MCL – an injury that usually keeps players out 3-6 weeks.

The point is: He Was Benched. It was the decision of the training staff.  The barrage of people questioning the guy’s ‘toughness’ is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve witnessed as a consumer of sports’ media.

But that didn’t stop the asinine knee jerk reactions from his peers (though not playing), who were apparently waiting in the weeds to ambush Cutler….

(Note: I understand a lot of these clowns have backtracked in the last few days. Quite frankly, I don’t care. Equivocate until the tarts come out of your guest bedrooms. It doesn’t change the fact that you couldn’t wait to sandbag a fellow player in one of the most violent sports around.)

Asante Samuel: Here’s a good one. This clown is like a poor-man’s Deion Sanders (below). He’ll head-hunt you if you’re a receiver who has left his feet, but if Marion Barber or Michael Turner squares his shoulders while running at him, there’s a good chance he’ll abstain.

If you talk alot of shit in your interviews you got to be warrior in crunch time. I am in total shock rite now.

If he was my teammate I would be looking at him sideways.

I luv my QB @mikevick he has the heart of a lion. I guess others are scared of success.

Man shoot that [expletive] up with a needle. He ain’t got to do much jus drop back and throw the ball.

By the way, Samuel was nowhere to be found when Cutler was carving up the ‘red-hot’ Eagles in a key Week 12 battle (4 TD, 0 INT). Maybe he should’ve ‘shot that shit up with a needle’ in even one of the 5 games he missed this year. Also, I didn’t know Cutler ‘talked a lot of [expletive] in his interviews.’ He’s a [expletive] boring interview – which is part of his [expletive ] PR problem. [EXPLETIVE]

Maurice Jones-Drew: I don’t have the energy to run through all the players dogging on Cutler, but MJD’s ‘Tweet’ perhaps exemplified the oblivious hypocrisy of many of the haters.

“All I’m saying is that he can finish the game on a hurt knee… I played the whole season on one…”

Well, no you didn’t. As has been pointed out, when the Jaguars were battling the Colts for a playoff spot in Weeks 16 + 17, he was nowhere to be found.  But thanks anyway, MJD. That week 16 no-show helped a certain Peter Francis Yerfaci FFB team win some serious coin.

Then there’s Kirk Morrison who echoed one of the most annoying storylines that came out of this shit…

“If my knee was hurt or acl/mcl/pcl sprain, I would not be standing up on the sideline”

Yeah, I know you’re asking ,’Kirk Who?’ Well anyway, the Jaguars’ LB just wanted to lend his own diagnosis. Or like many, he might’ve just wanted Cutler to express a lot more pain – maybe Favre-it up with a really exaggerated limp. Let every douchebag meatball be able to point it out, “oh see, that guy’s in so much pain. What a warrior.” More on that later.

Finally, I also keep hearing about how Cutler’s “rival” Philip Rivers played in the AFC championship game with a torn ACL. That’s fairly misleading considering he was injured the week prior (not taken off on a cart?! – haha, what a pussy…) and left that game never to return. He then had a week of rehab and was fitted with a brace.  Most importantly, how did the Chargers do that day?

But even worse than the idiot players are the idiot ex-players and national sports writers who are squeezing every incoherent ounce out of this story.  Like a scandalous celebrity death, they all pounced in unison, quick to chastise and feed ravenously at the trough of the stupid.

Let’s start with Schlereth, who has had it out for Cutler since he came to Chicago. Until about 10 weeks ago, the one-time Bronco had his tounge so far up Josh McDaniels’ um, sweatshirt, that he couldn’t help but doubling-down repeatedly on his visceral hatred for Cutler. Of course, it took the Broncos franchise less than 2 years to realize McDaniels is a destructive and megalomaniacal asshole.  Yet that doesn’t stop Schlereth, whose favorite hobbies (when he’s not whoring out his daughter) are apparently droning on about his Super Bowl rings and hating on Jay Cutler.  The 3 time Super Bowl champion would have you believe he carried John Elway to glory. He had this to say barely moments after the clock hit 0:00,

“As a guy how had 20 knee surgeries you’d have to drag me out on a stretcher to Leave a championship game!”

Oh hey, that’s really amazing!   As SI’s Paul Daugherty opined, “Purple hearts for you, Mark. Ever think that’s a reason you had 20 operations? Let’s see you play with your grandkids a few decades from now.”

However, it is amazing that such a warrior missed more than 30 games in his 12 year career, including being placed on IR in 1993 with, wait for it…a virus.

Speaking of viruses, ESPN’s Trent Dilfer loves to hide behind his Super Bowl ring to mask the fact that he was like the dysentary-riddled 5th member of the Baltimore Ravens’ Oregon Trail team, carried to glory by arguably the most dominant defense in NFL history. He hated on the Bears’ and Cutler all season, and reveled in the Championship loss like the ugly kid with the shit-eating grin, so happy with himself the day after he hooked with the really hot girl because she was too drunk to know any better. Keep fucking that chicken, Trent.

Deion Sanders – Yes, Deion ‘the Matador’ Sanders! Among other things, he said Cutler should’ve “Manned Up.”  Deion Goddamn Sanders. The guy who missed games in 3 different seasons with the same turf toe injury.  Or as Arkush said, “the only defensive player who will go into the Hall of Fame without having tackled anyone.”  Deion Fucking Sanders.

These 3 guys exemplified so many members of the ‘fraternity’ whose bodies can’t cut it anymore, but whose shit-talking mouths are apparently still in their prime.

Then there was the cavalcade of gladiator scribes who couldn’t wait to spend a few days picking this low hanging fruit so they could submit a couple quick stories to their editors before patting themselves on the back and hitting the bar.

The most ridiculous was Jason Whitlock (who I sometimes like). He thinks the Bears organization faked the MRI showing Cutler’s partially torn MCL.  The courageous conjecture really speaks to his gladiator intuition. Granted, he has 0 proof of this, mind you; but it probably got him a lot of page views.

Fox Sports is still pounding on the guy. Today Cutler was spotted with girlfriend Kristin Cavallari (way hot. i don’t care what you say) !walking! in LA. And he apparently wasn’t limping enough for their tastes. For shame.

Along with the armchair gladiators, the baseless armchair diagnoses were even more frustrating to hear.

And you know what? Fuck that. The injury is the injury. The guy picked himself off the turf 200+ times this year and never once threw out the ‘i’m injured’ theatrics so pervasive in professional sports. Why the hell do you care? Also, when did all these assholes pick up their University of Phoenix medical degrees?

“Why wasn’t he icing it?” “Why wasn’t he sitting down? Why wasn’t he limping worse? Why wasn’t he writhing in pain like a dick-slapped Egyptian?  Why didn’t he attach a dozen leeches to his patella?

JESUS! Who are these clowns? According to Arkush, the Bears have one of the most well-respected training/conditioning and medical staffs in the league. After determining Cutler couldn’t play, the training staff taped his knee in order to stabilize it. Where the hell is the deference? They had 2 guys on IR all year!

Which brings me to the last guy…

ok, coach. we get it.

Mike Ditka is one of the most overrated coaches in NFL sports history, but because of his boisterous “fire and passion,” he’s revered and iconic. Like Patton, if the great general would’ve been victorious at Normandy, but then lost every key battle after that.

While not overtly criticizing Cutler’s toughness, he certainly added fuel to the fire, saying “Myself, I would have had to have been paralyzed to come out of the game. I don’t want to say that word. I would have had to be completely knocked out to come out of that football game.”

There it is –  Setting up an impossible standard that’s even more impossible to disprove. Ditka is old and beat up, shrouded in the mystique of playing in a boring-ass era when the players were much less skilled, half the size, and 1/4 as fast.  He’s revered for being along for the ride coaching the most beloved team in the city’s history. He says baseless and irresponsible things that the meatballs love. Which brings me to the last group of haters…

Bears Fans – This is the most painful, yet probably the most predictable.  This applies only to a minority of them, though an incessantly loud and annoying minority.

Chicago is a Bears town. While the NFL is by far the most popular league, at this point in time it’s not putting out the best product (relative to history, that’s cleary the NBA right now). That being said, as an avid supporter of all major Chicago teams not named the White Sox, a Bears’ Super Bowl win would mean the most to me. I’m guessing this sentiment is echoed by most Chicago sports’ fans.

Yet with this undying love of the masses comes a certain amount of blowback. Of the ‘diehard’ fans in Chicago, more idiocy emanates from Bears’ fans than from any other fanbase. It’s not even close.

Of course, part of this may be the nature of the sport and enthusiastic fans in general. While Packers’ fans don’t have problems making too much noise when their team is in their Red Zone offense (pathetic), they have their own unique manifestations of  less-than-cerebral antics.  The unqualified “Kuhhhn” chant that emanates from Lambeau during every short yardage down, regardless of situation, is classic meatball. They have one of the NFL’s most dynamic offenses, yet just can’t get enough of the slow white guy with the German name. I’m guessing the enthuiasm of this cheer also makes it a little uncomfortable for the one black Packer fan (Jerry). Whether it ‘s the referees, injuries, luck, or the playing surface, their excuse-making is small-minded and hilarious, and their quick response to blame (the very solid) Coach Mike McCarthy for any and every loss is even more so. In the off-season, I even heard some Packers’ fans criticizing their fantastic GM, Ted Thompson. You want him gone? Ok.  Send him south a couple hundred miles.

But alas, this isn’t about Packers’ fans, of whom I’m friends with some, many who have been less than gracious in victory. It’s about a segment of Bears’ fans and their own clownish stupidity.

I essentially watched the game in a bubble, pretty much by myself, out of state – the only die-hard at a bar with some dudes who spent almost 2 quarters (seriously) talking about ice fishing. I knew a huge loss like this would result in kneejerk flame-throwing. It happens for every regular season loss, so I knew the exponential increase would be off the charts.

I was expecting it to be a backlash against Lovie Smith – the Bizarro Ditka who has never been properly appreciated in this town.  He’s not a great coach, but very solid, particularly considering the front office has been one of the NFL’s worst drafting teams for almost a decade. He did his best job this year. This team was prepared. They played every down for him. They tackled well. They made adjustments when needed. They even won a couple close games.  That being said, he was probably out-coached last weekend. While I don’t believe The Great Caleb Hanie deserved a seat next to Michelle Obama for the SOTU (as my buddy Paul said), having Todd Collins as your second string QB back-up was an egregious error – particularly considering what everyone saw against Carolina earlier this year.  There were other things as well, though I don’t have the will or desire to relive it. At the end of the day, the Packers are a better team (though the margin isn’t as wide as some would believe). Ouch.

So there I was the next day, expecting to read the newspaper, or turn on 670 and hear the rapid succession of apoplectic ‘Fire Lovie’ calls.  Instead it was stories of fans burning their Cutler jerseys. Before any of the facts were in, they had already pounced. He was to be the target for the impotent rage of the defeated Bears’ fan.  And it has been pouring down ever since.

Not since Steve Bartman has their been anyone in Chicago sports who has been so unnecessarily vilified. Even then, there was way more novelty and way less vitriol to that story (especially on a National level). Rex Grossman was ruthlessly hammered for most of his time in Chicago, though that was more underlying and ever-present, as opposed to the tsunami of ass-hattery currently consuming the town.

Just like people overlooked Alex Gonzalez dropping that double-play ball, no one seemed to care that the Bears’ defensive tackles did nothing, or that Bears’ Center Olin Kreutz was absolutely man-handled by (game MVP) B.J. Raji on almost every snap.

If this wasn’t the most painful loss I’ve experienced as a sports fan, it’s close. I still think the circumstances surrounding Game 6(+7) of the 2003 NLCS made that couple days the most crushing.

Still, the Cutler hate made this loss incredibly surreal. To their credit, most Chicago columnists not named Rick Morrissey remained fairly level-headed about the situation. I believe a lot of my fellow fans sympathized with the guy and the unfair treatment he received.

Yet the hyperbolic reactions have said more about the critics than they will ever say about Cutler’s ‘toughness.’  Next year’s Training camp should be a lot of fun.

It’s Baltimore, Gentlemen. The Gods Will Not Save You.

I know one thing: David Simon Earned That Buck.

The Wire is arguably the best drama ever televised. Arguably the best thing to ever air on that vast wasteland.  The show’s complex and astute analysis of the city of Baltimore and its culture of corruption was both insightful and insanely entertaining.

Enter Baltimore Police Commissioner Frederick Bealefeld. He’d prefer the city to be portrayed as a little sexier. Or maybe as more of a straight-shooter.  He would like to tell you Baltimore is a good, honest city and probably has some 1099 job as a cafeteria worker down at the airport or something.

Bealefeld called The Wire a “smear on this city that will take decades to overcome,” saying, “You know what Miami gets in their crime show? They get detectives that look like models, and they drive around in sports cars. And you know what New York gets? They get these incredibly tough prosecutors, competent cops that solve the most crazy, complicated cases.”

He continued, “cases…(removes sunglasses) of murrrrder…” (no he didn’t. the video is here.)

He really continued, “What Baltimore gets is this reinforced notion that it’s a city full of hopelessness, despair and dysfunction. There was very little effort—beyond self-serving—to highlight the great and wonderful things happening here, and to indict the whole population, the criminal justice system, the school system.”

Don’t forget the press. City government. Lesbian infiltration of the police force, etc.

As the avclub.com noted, David Simon issued a rebuttal, which reads in part…

Publicly, let me state that The Wire owes no apologies—at least not for its depiction of those portions of Baltimore where we set our story, for its address of economic and political priorities and urban poverty, for its discussion of the drug war and the damage done from that misguided prohibition, or for its attention to the cover-your-ass institutional dynamic that leads, say, big-city police commissioners to perceive a fictional narrative, rather than actual, complex urban problems as a cause for righteous concern. As citizens using a fictional narrative as a means of arguing different priorities or policies, those who created and worked on The Wire have dissented.

Commissioner Bealefeld may not be comfortable with public dissent, or even a public critique of his agency. He may even believe that the recent decline in crime entitles him to denigrate as “stupid” or “slander” all prior dissent, as if the previous two decades of mismanagement in the Baltimore department had not happened and should not have been addressed by any act of storytelling, given that Baltimore is no longer among the most violent American cities, but merely a very violent one.

Others might reasonably argue, however that it is not sixty hours of The Wire that will require decades for our city to overcome, as the commissioner claims. A more lingering problem might be two decades of bad performance by a police agency more obsessed with statistics than substance, with appeasing political leadership rather than seriously addressing the roots of city violence, with shifting blame rather than taking responsibility.  That is the police department we depicted in The Wire, give or take our depiction of some conscientious officers and supervisors. And that is an accurate depiction of the Baltimore department for much of the last twenty years, from the late 1980s, when cocaine hit and the drug corners blossomed, until recently, when Mr. O’Malley became governor and the pressure to clear those corners without regard to legality and to make crime disappear on paper finally gave way to some normalcy and, perhaps, some police work. Commissioner Bealefeld, who was present for much of that history, knows it as well as anyone associated with The Wire.

Mr. Commissioner, you want it to be one way…but it’s the other way.

(Haha, that’s a quote from the show. LOLZ)

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Strange Arrangement

Strange Arrangement – Polygraph

What first struck were aromas of cherry and spice that managed to retain their freshness, with an extra kick of spice at the end; a good balance between the supple fruit and acidity at its core.

Grade: A-

Listen to this while: swig-swig-swig-swig-swig-swig-swiggin’ a PBR. Get loose!

(Purchase here or on itunes.)

Remember When…

…Mayor Daley’s legacy was going to be the 2016 Summer Olympics, as opposed to high taxes, a sharp looking park, and floundering public schools?

It was just a javelin throw away.

A year ago, Vancouver hosted the Winter Olympics? Remember those? No? Well, its scale is much smaller than the typical summer games. There was a hockey game, some longhairs on snowboards, and women curling. In this edition of where are they now…

if you say so

ELEVEN months ago there was dancing in the streets of Vancouver, as Canadian athletes wound up the winter Olympic games with a record 14 gold medals. Today, true to Olympic tradition, the host city is dealing with a nasty financial hangover. It could have been much worse, and in other Olympic cities often has been. The Vancouver organising committee balanced its C$1.9 billion ($1.9 billion) budget for running the games. At least another C$4 billion was spent on building sports venues and a fast rail line from the airport to downtown Vancouver, expanding the highway to Whistler and providing security. Since this left some useful infrastructure and its cost was split between the federal, provincial and municipal governments, most British Columbians are content. But Vancouver’s taxpayers are unhappy that their city government faces the possibility of a big loss on the Olympic village…With the debt now standing at C$743m, the city has pushed the project into receivership.

Chicagoans – count your blessings. and your ground beef intake.

Prove me wrong, Rio!

 

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Redemption Schlong

There’s an epic battle on the 3rd Coast this weekend. I can’t really formulate any articulate thoughts about it. Just thinking about 24 hrs from now makes the vein in my forehead throb like that extra tendon in Clay Matthew’s neck. (What the hell is going on there?)

Anyway, following the Steelers defeat of the Ravens, this week saw the predictable sports’ media deluge of the same old ‘redemption stories’ regarding alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger.  On Wednesday, the front-page of both ESPN’s + CBS’ websites trotted out the same old tired cliches and missteps in logic. The predictable thesis is that victory on field somehow proves athlete X is a changed person.

I didn’t know people were questioning the effect Roethlisberger’s off-field behavior had on throwing a football or reading the Ravens’ Defense.  He might not be the NFL’s best QB (clearly Jay Cutler), but the big fella has lead the Steelers to 2 Super Bowl victories, throwing big passes at big moments during the process.

And then he got aggressive with any 19-year old in his periphery.

The same stories were written after Michael Vick’s resurgence and the same thing will happen when Tiger wins his next major (I predict 2011). The hacks probably have it in the can already.

Of course the fans will give players an immense amount of moral latitude if successful on the field. Same goes for coaches. Do the sycophantic NFL writers promoters have to do the same? Can we get news? Can we get on-field analysis? Or are these “redemption” stories just too easy to mail in that they can’t resist?

More sports please!

and oh yeah, GO BEARS!

http://deadspin.com/5740217/golden-voice-and-inspirational-speech-set-up-green-baychicago-showdown

 

 

 

Gratuitous World: Best & Worst Of 2010

What can you say about 2010 (except that it’s over)? In fact, while this might not be the greatest ‘Best of’ list, it’s certainly the latest. Here is how GW spent its year when it wasn’t throwing rocks at day laborers.

Book You Should Read: War, Sebastian Junger. Left, Right, Center, Whatever. Everyone should read about the daily toll of our nearly decade-long military action. A story of both courage and futility. The corresponding documentary (Restrepo) is also worth watching.

Best Television Show: Breaking Bad (again). Season 3 and still getting better. (How ’bout that finale?) The margin between this and other shows continues to grow.

Honorable Mention: Community. I’ve never liked Joel McHale. Never been interested in The Soup and my usual response to his stand-up is ‘oh, that was the laugh line?’  Watched a couple uninspired episodes last season because the tv was turned on. However, whatever the writing staff shook up this season produced gold. The ‘Armageddon/Apollo 13’ Spoof was one of the funniest episodes of tv this year. Same goes for the zombie-genre episode and heart-warming stop-motion Christmas episode. Well-done.

• Thurs NBC: Parks and Recreations was also pretty great last year and definitely won the spring. 30 Rock is rebounding this season while someone needs to put The Office out of its highly-rated misery.

Favorite New Show: Via recommendation, just caught the 2nd Season of Party Down on Netflix. Went back and watched the first as soon as possible. Steve Guttenberg episode was awesome.

Worst Franchise Demise: Law & Order: SVU. People watch Law & Order because of the tidy, plot-driven, twist-at-the-3/4-mark episodes. Back in the day, they took this fool-proof premise and added sex crimes. Winner! Now the show is a shell of itself. Why does every episode have to include some melodramatic personal involvement of one of the characters? How many episodes ending with a Mexican Standoff are too many?C’mon! Just give me a serial rapist or abusive stepfather, a little legal battle, and be done with it. I’m starting to root for IAD. Benson & Stabler are TERRIBLE cops. They would be working Macy’s security if this was real life. But it’s not. It’s just a stupid television show. So maybe I should relax.

well that didn't take long.

Favorite Movie: Black Swan. In fairness, didn’t see much this year, but Aronofsky certainly got it done with this effort. I mean, a movie about Swan Lake that can keep me riveted for 2 hours? Well done. I also liked the much acclaimed indie flick Winters’ Bone.

• Grab-The-Dirty-T-Shirt-Award: Mila Kunis. Not sure if you want to win this one, but you did. Well done. And I don’t care what ethnicity George Lopez wants you to be. We can all get behind sexy. so to speak.

Worst Last Words: In October, the State of Arizona executed convicted murderer Jeffrey Landrigan. When asked for his last words, Landrigan said, “Well, I’d like to say thank you to my family for being here and all my friends, and…Boomer Sooner.”

A classy way to go out for an obviously classy guy. Boomer Sooner is, of course, the official fight song and rallying cry for the University of Oklahoma Sooners, and I’m sure Landrigan’s final homage to the Sooners was duly appreciated by all associated with the University.

But just one thing – and I’m sure you’ll all be shocked – Landrigan never attended the University of Oklahoma, yet chose to use his final words to associate himself with the school.

To me Landrigan is a despicable but probably not far-off representation of all the townie college football fans – from Columbus to Norman to Tuscaloosa, who try to associate themselves with institutions they never attended, I’d like to say, Jeffrey Landrigan – while you’re neither Sooner Born nor Sooner Bred, you certainly are ‘sooner dead.’ good riddance, douchebag.

Best Inappropriate Tweet: 50 Cent – Speaking of MILF. I wanna do something that impact kids in a positive way, thats why im opening an abortion clinic. Ima call it 50/50 chance.

I laugh, but today’s offensive family planning idea is tomorrow’s Vitamin Water.

Hate-Monger of the Year: Pamela Geller – Wow, what stiff competition! Sorry Mr. Beck, Pastor ZigZag Chops, and virtually every Arizona conservative, but no one hated-it-up quite like Geller. I’m talking Barabara Bush type hate (as Richard Nixon would’ve said). Before the manufactured not-at-Ground-Zero-not-mosque controversy, Geller was probably best known as the Holocaust Revisionist who runs the Atlas Shrugs hate blog.  In 2010, she ascended to America’s prestigious ‘Queen of Islamophobia’ position.  Here’s just a taste:

Amazon(.com) is pimping for jihad. The Arafat war scarf is on sale. The keffiyeh is the icon of the global jihad. It is as iconic of jihad as the swastika is for Nazis. Notice the advertising of the bloodiest murderer in modern Middle East history (the competition is stiff, after all), Yaser Arafat.

And kudos to virtually every media outlet for allowing her to mainstream her venomous bigotry. She couldn’t take home this award without you.

Best Product Innovation: Rascal Scooter’s Magnetic Stabilizer. Americans are getting fatter. We’re watching 35 hrs of tv a week, and increasingly bathing in corn syrup. Anyone looking for an investment opportunity should check it out…

Just one of the many innovations on display during the expo is Magnetic Stabilizer technology (patent pending) designed to prevent sideways tipping.  Stabilizer wheels utilize this technology to deploy only during contact with the riding surface, instantly giving 3-wheel scooters the superior stability of 4-wheel models.  This technology affords riders excellent 3-wheel maneuverability without sacrificing safety.

Worst Pope Of The Year: In a landslide, it’s Pope Benedict XVI! Among other gems, the disco pope blames the 70s for the kid rapers he protected for decades.

Unproven Fear Of The Year: Keeping my phone in my pants pocket will result in testicular cancer somewhere down the line, thus forcing me to sympathize with douchebag Lance Armstrong

Most Asinine Supreme Court Decision:  It doesn’t take much to keep tabs on the Roberts’ Court. Just look for a corporate agenda and follow the musk. To simplify, Citizens United v. FEC basically says corporations, like soylent green, are people. Enjoy that, America.

Worst Relationship Development: Groupon. Don’t get me wrong – this simple, yet genius business model is well crafted. But Jesus, ‘we have to go to restaurant __ because my groupon is going to expire’  seemed about as contrived as saving sex only during ovulation.

‘It’s -10 wind chill and a Tuesday!’ Doesn’t matter. Groupon, moutherfucker.

Do we really need a water pick? We already have 2. ‘It was a Groupon.’ And that’s where the conversation ends, as if  getting 30% off makes whatever unnecessary bullshit product immediately necessary.

Best Sports Story: Three years ago, the once proud Chicago Blackhawks franchise was in disarray. One timely death and a few successful personnel moves later, and the Hawks were back as the darlings of Chicago.  As one belonging to neither demographic, the rapidity of the bandwagon jumpers combined with the resentful push-back from the die-hard Blackhawks faithful made for a hilarious few months. In June, the Hawks triumphantly hoisted the Stanley Cup. And now that the Bears and Bulls are back, people might care again when if they make the playoffs.

Worst Sports Story – Event: World Cup. Once every four years I am susceptible to mouth-breathing rants in support of ‘American Exceptionalism.’ Well done, soccer.

Worst Sports Story – Individual:  Oh my God, I can’t believe it was possible to overshadow the ridiculous charade that was LeBron James’ free agency ‘Decision’, but CONGRATULATIONS Brett Favre! You did it again! And this time with more cock!

Best Campaign Ad: Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. Roll Tide, War Eagle, and whatever other stupid shit they do down there. I’m pretty sure it’s just football and campaign ads. They just churned them out one after the other. This one was my favorite.

Worst ‘Person Of The Year’ Award: Mark Zuckerberg? Really, Time? Welcome to 2007. amirite?

• By the way, Least Substantive Publication – Time

Best ‘List’: Salon’s Hack 30: Our Complete List Of America’s Worst Pundits – A wonderful compilation of the media establishment hacks who drive our substance-free political discourse. E.g., big time hack and intellectually dishonest “historian” Jonah Goldberg (@ #7)…

Repeat offenses: Juvenile (but unamusing) sense of humor, adolescent writing style unbecoming a 41-year-old, laziness, “Simpsons”-quoting, inability/unwillingness to defend arguments when challenged.
Representative quote:

In today’s syndicated column I trot out the cliche that “hindsight’s always crystal clear.” Several readers have already reminded me that I wrote a column arguing exactly the opposite in June of 2002. This is the danger of cliches. I was trying to make a general point which everyone understands but also ended up communicating an even more general falsehood. Like saying violence never solves anything, people understand what I mean even when in reality what I’m saying isn’t true.

Wha?

GW Person Of The Year:  Any reader who can make a convincing argument for anyone will be  ‘my person of the year.’ Giddyup.

Most Over-Saturated Celebrity (out-of-nowhere category): Jane Lynch. As an integral part of Best In Show (and Party Down Season 1), I’ll give her a pass for that Glee-whatnot. But isn’t it time for a vacation? I think I see her right now. Sitting over there.

GW Worst Person Of The Year: While BP’s Tony Hayward received well-deserved attention for the catastrophic Gulf Oil Spill, Massey Coal’s Don Blankenship could’ve been criminally liable for the West Virginia mine explosion resulting in the death of 29 miners. An epic gasbag, Blankenship is also one variation of the corporatists controlling this country.

(maynard + blankenship) But buying judges is hard work too! cheese!

I first read about this guy when he was caught vacationing in the French Riviera with a judge on the WV Supreme Court, while Massey had an important case pending in front of the WVSC. Lucrative and Romantic.

He loves to rail against the kind of regulation and enforcement that could’ve prohibited the tragedy. Believe it or not, he’s also climate change denier.  In a letter to the editor of the Charleston (WV) Gazette dated Oct. 30, 2009 Blankenship denied that climate change, or “global warming,” existed, and stated: “Why should we trust a report by the United Nations? The United Nations includes countries like Venezuela, North Korea and Iran.”

Great point. Really does a good job of scientifically refuting the years of research incorporated in the report. Instead we should trust Don Blankenship – he has nothing to gain. Did I mention he’s on the Board of the Chamber of Commerce and a bigtime Tea Party supporter? Probably didn’t need to.

So some lobbyist dollars and 29 deaths later, and Massey is one of the country’s most profitable coal companies! Congrats! ‘Free market,’ K-Street, deregulation, sell your soul, kick a puppy.

By the way, given the chance, he’ll fuck over your kids.  Congratulations, Don Blankenship! You’re GW’s Worst Person of 2010! Huzzah!

Crazy Town

In the aftermath of the Arizona shootings, I’m glad our political/media elite have been able to cover their political tracks. Condemn the tragedy. Condemn the discourse. Condemn the blame. Then proceed to blame the most politically expedient target with the same old discourse – vague false equivalencies and all.

It’s all about you.

It took about an hour for me to realize our political discourse won’t change. Without commenting on the  AZ shooter specifically (though the Right has clearly determined him to be a ‘marxist liberal’ because of a facebook reading list that included beloved heroes of the Left, Adolph Hitler and Ayn Rand), the facts remain that the last couple years have seen a rise in anti-government violence (great read @ Perrspectives). Though the effect political rhetoric had on these incidents is debatable, the hyperdefensive reactions of the Right’s leaders lends itself to an implication of guilt. Or there are just a lot of delusional clowns who will double-down on any ridiculous rhetoric for political or financial gain.

But of course, political rhetoric never has any effect on anyone, anytime, anywhere. So we can just leave that alone. Just grab your 15 minutes and move along.

What’s further disheartening about this incident is the failure to honestly address issues of common sense gun control. I’m a Second Amendment supporter and believe in the right to bear arms. However, (like 1st amendment rights, for instance) these rights are not absolute. Gun-show loopholes, the need of certain semi-automatic weapons, and the ease with which mentally disturbed can obtain a gun are all issues that we should be mature enough to productively discuss.  Of course, mental health issues do not sit in a 2nd Amendment vacuum, and have much cross-over with access to health care and other issues. But alas, this debate will not be had. More time needs to be allocated to Right/Left finger-pointing and what this means for the next election – the only story the Media loves to cover more than a dead celebrity.

Guns don't lie. Black presidents lie.

So I’m not surprised to read about this story that seems to tie a ribbon on what we haven’t learned in the last few days.

A South Carolina gun and accessories company is selling semi-automatic rifle components inscribed with “You lie” – a tribute to the infamous words of 2nd District Republican Congressman Joe Wilson when he shouted at President Barack Obama during a congressional speech about national health care reform in the fall of 2009.

“Palmetto State Armory would like to honor our esteemed congressman Joe Wilson with the release of our new ‘You Lie’ AR-15 lower receiver,” reads a portion of the company’s website.

The company’s site has since scrubbed their effort to romanticize disrespectful congressional rudeness with commemorative firearms. A little more guilt PR? Great for hunting lying game. ‘Really, duck? That ‘quack’ was clearly disingenuous. Prepare to die.’

Joe Wilson is the best.

As for the shooting of Rep. Giffords and the other victims, I don’t really have much else to say that hasn’t been said. The facts will be the facts. The conjecture will be the conjecture. Behavior won’t change and no one will learn shit. It’s a really sad story.

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As Long As It Doesn’t Require Much Legwork, John Kass Will Pretty Much Piss On Anyone’s Grave

For his 88th birthday, McGovern went skydiving. For his 54th birthday, I believe Kass took a couple Vicotin and woke up in his own drool.

In Wednesday’s Tribune, wannabe satirist John Kass wrote a column regarding the prospective White House hiring of Bill Daley, saying,

“Right now, Obama sits somewhere to the left of the late George McGovern, but he’ll need to become a certified centrist again when he runs for re-election in 2012.” 

Despite the fact that any Poli Sci 101 student could point out the obvious error of considering a center-left pragmatist ‘Left’ of a longtime Dovish liberal, there was an even greater inaccuracy in that statement. “The late” George McGovern, as Kass called him, is not ‘late’ at all. In fact, he’s alive and well – or at least as alive and well as can be for an 88 year old living in South Dakota.

 John, I understand your schtick. Pithy, colorful columns about the culture of Chicago politics that are sometimes clever, yet rarely insightful. A clear dislike for the President and the Daleys, and a 3 year obsession with trying to criminalize Obama for paying 15% below list for his Hyde Park property. What a hot scoop!

But John, contempt for the Mayor or the President doesn’t give you free journalistic reign to shovel dirt on the empty grave of anyone, much less a longtime public servant such as McGovern.

No wonder your column was so unabashedly brimming with excitement. With the hiring of Daley, the door is open for you to stay in bed and pen 6 more months of vapid ‘Chicago Way’ columns without opening your eyes or bothering yourself with the heartbeat of any geriatric political figure.

As far as you’re concerned, you can put down James Baker or reanimate Harold Washington without it having any effect on your one-way pseudo-political analysis. How do I get a gig like that?

John Kass, Stop messing up my ‘Dead Pool.’ Clown.

Make It A Double (Entendre)

Because I’m 11 years old.

Wisconsin Man To Make Tattoo Removal Appointment In 6 Years

My girlfriend and I have an agreement when it comes to watching television. For 52 weeks, I can watch sports anywhere from 3 to 7 nights a week. In exchange, I agree to watch one bad reality television show. That show is Jersey Shore.

Truth be told, I actually like the show. I like it so much I’ve searched Vegas betting lines for Jersey Shore Prop bets. In particular, I’m looking for the ‘Under’ on the timeframe for ‘the Situation’s’ 1st Sexual Assault charge. Because, you know, he seems about 2 whiskeys, half a steroid cycle, and a shot of cough syrup away from being a sex criminal. And who can’t have a laugh about that?

Unlike the insufferable faux-earnestness or outright vapid ugliness of characters on shows like Survivor,  The Real World, or any of the other 17,000 reality shows, some members of the Jersey Shore cast exhibit at least a semblance of self-awareness. In particular, the much maligned slut-troll Snooki knows she’s caricature.  She might not be able to find New Jersey on a map, but in a certain, bowling ball with a bump-it sort of way, she’s kind of genius. She plays up the unique qualities – all the way to bank. But feel free to watch the show and trash on the little lady, aiding and abetting her collection of millions over the past couple years. Who’s the real idiot?  In fact,  I would go far enough to say, ‘I like Snooki.’

But not as much as this guy:

No, America. That is not Packers’ linebacker Frank Zombo. That is Chris Hamilton of Union Grove, Wisconsin. And he either loves Snooki, or is seriously amused about the bet he lost. 

It’s a pretty safe bet Chris will be watching tonight’s Jersey Shore premiere. After the show, he’ll probably start drinking in preparation for Sunday’s Eagles/Packers playoff game. In that case, he’ll probably need to catch up with the rest of the faithful.

Update: Yeah, only took me a hot tub scene to realize I don’t really like Snooki that much. Got a little bit out over my skis on that one. Have a nice day.

Screw Me? No, Screw Neu!

At the end of Fletch, the evil Chief Carlin (SPOILER!) unexpectedly busts into the Stanwyck Mansion. Fletch remarks, “Thank God. The Police.”

Funny stuff.

Almost 2 years ago, President Obama pushed through legislation allowing the federal government to assist cash-strapped states in maintaining their police forces and in some cases, hiring additional police officers. Remember how wildly popular that stimulus was? Everyone loved being able to project all their dissatisfaction with government onto a modest spending bill passed in the middle of a terrible recession.

But one guy isn’t cool with the help the democrats gave the Fraternal Order.

A Manatee County sergeant was suspended without pay after he highlighted an ominous verse in the Bible and dubbed it the “Obama Prayer.”

According to the police report, Matthew Neu circled “Let his days be few, and let another take his office” — from Psalm 109 — and placed the “Obama Prayer” note in a bible on a colleague’s desk. The “Obama Prayer” has been circulating around the Internet, and Neu received it in an email.

So they suspended Neu for 26 hours and blahblahblah – in retrospect it’s not the most riveting story. However, the continued invocation of Psalm 109 remains interesting. Shortly after taking office, I wrote about the rising invocation of Psalm 109 among some conservatives. Psalm 109:8 reads –

“May his days be few; may another take his office.”

I get the literal implication. Of course, the next sentence reads…

“May his children be orphans, and his wife a widow.” (Psalm 109:9)

If you love the book, you should read the book. Openly advocating for the premature death of an American president is pretty low, not to mention treasonous. Be true, Officer Neu. If you want it, you should wear it. And don’t worry – new governor and corporate-fraudshaft, Rick Scott will clearly look out for public employees. He’s really into that.

or maybe this is more appropriate.

But Seek First His Kingdom And His Twitter Page

Following Week 16’s 24-23 victory over the Houston Texans in which he scored the go-ahead touchdown late in the 4th quarter, Tim Tebow chose to Tweet the biblical passage, “Luke 2:10-11,” which reads: But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” 

I partially understand Tebow’s messianic complex. After all, for his entire young adulthood he has been lauded as such by fans, coaches, religious leaders and media members, whether it be Thom Brennaman, Andy Staples, or virtually any ESPN hack. In  fact, before the game had been decided, CBS’ Steve Beurlein had already proclaimed December 26th, 2010, ‘Tim Tebow Day’ – a clear slap in the face to all the Canadian viewers enjoying their ‘Boxing Day.’

 But let’s walk this back a second. “Do not be afraid?!” Tim, you were playing the Houston Texans.  No one is afraid of the Houston Texans. Their pass defense ranks last in the NFL. Total defense ranks 28th. They have given up 27.3 points-per-game.  In fact, the Texans have allowed at least 24 points to all but one opponent! If they would’ve done it again in Week 17,  it would’ve been an NFL record (they gave up 17). Instead they tied the ’08 Lions for a  record that could literally read, “NFL’s Least-Feared Defense” or “All-Time-Defense-Least-In-Need-Of Angelic-Assistance-In-Order-To-Score-On.”  

If Luke’s passage read “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born who will do as much but not more than 14 of the saviors who preceded him,” I could see the parallel. Otherwise, I have say, Tim Tebow, calm down.

And Happy Belated Solstice!

Animal Lover Wants To Be Remembered As A Fucking Idiot

Man to live in lions’ den for 30 days

SPRING HILL, Fla. — A Florida man says he’s going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions.

James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon entered the lions’ den Saturday. He says he’s going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat.

He says he’s also going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure, in case the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31.

About 100 animals live at the center about 40 miles north of Tampa. It was started for native wildlife needing medical treatment, but Jablon says he’s now being asked to provide homes for exotic pets.

Have Ed + Lea signed releases to be part of this asinine stunt?  These are majestic beasts – kings of the jungle or whatever. Now just accessories to some streaming video that some lion fetishist will stumble across and pleasure himself to while viewing. 

And Eat what they eat? What the hell is that trying to teach? Attention people of Florida: Just because you live in a warm climate and we send our 20-year-old sluts and meatheads down to you once a year doesn’t mean you should inundate us with your weird-ass dietary practices, whether it’s the ‘Panhandle Lioness Diet,’ or ‘Spring Hill Big Cat Kudu Cuisine For Kids Meal.’

Mr. Jablon, I hope you lose a foot. And then you have to eat your other foot because, hey – ‘rules are rules.’

Florida. As a wiser man than me once said – ‘It’s not the heat. It’s the stupidity.’

Virginia Is For Lovers…

…Of Vanity Plate suppression. This hilarious defender of the First Amendment needs some new tags. And the state of Virginia has saved the lives of countless children.

This young attorney has another pelt on the wall.  According to reddit, the driver gave this explanation…

I received a second letter saying that I would then be going into a sort court hearing about it over the phone. There would be me, a DMV representative and a mediator. Long story short I had my ass handed to me and had no defense.

In the end I asked how many people complained and what they complained about exactly, since I was under the impression it was being taken away because of cannibalism concerns. I was told they received something like 4 letters and 7 phone calls. All of them generic “I’m offended and my right to not be offended trumps everything!!!”. The DMV then had a private round table meeting with something like 13 people in the meeting… JUST to discuss my plate.

On their own, they came to the conclusion that my plate advocated oral sex on children, oral fucking sex on underage fucking children!! I was completely shocked and couldnt form a complete sentence afterwords.
I then tried to get the plate “FUVADMV”, but it didnt pass muster.

So next time you see that H3 with the ‘SUPBRO’ plate, remember that 11 complaints is all it takes. so just say ‘license plate X’ encourages kid diddlin.’ and maybe throw in something about janet jackson’s titty.

Virginia DMV, thanks for thinking about the children.

Gratuitous Video: The RNC & Books!

Like Bob Barker, Tucker Carlson is an enthusiastic animal lover. That must be the inspiration for this episode of the RNC Chairperson Debate – The Price RNC Is Right Hilarious.

Contestant #1: That eager beaver was going to answer ‘Reagan’ regardless the question. He was not looking to the crowd for help on that one – didn’t matter if it was his favorite book or the price of a new dinnerware set (800 Reagans).

Contestant #2: ‘What BAR?!’ hahahha. Stop stalling because you can’t think of a  book, you lush. We’re running up against a commercial break. W’s Ghostwriter? oh. well-chosen. So you’re the one wearing the “Conservatives Come On Down For Tucker” t-shirt?

Contestant #3: ‘The Law?’ I think that’s what he said. Eaither Bastiat’s panned whatnot or a real long read. I never read it, but I’m sure the entire panel pretended to know what he was talking about. Moving on.

Contestant #4: To Kill a Mockingbird. Classic book and a reasonable selection – particularly for the Republican party, a crew that clearly values the virtues of tolerance, kindness, and equality under the law. But that Shake-Weight will make a nice parting gift.

Contestant #5 (Michael Steele): goes with War & Peace – which is like the classic literary equivalent of “1 Dollar.” But that’s not going to cut it in this game – where it’s nearly impossible to overbid. Not to be outdone, he follows up his favorite book with a famous line from Not-War & Peace – which is hilarious, though I doubt few people noticed. Call him an idiot. Call him Ishmael.  Just don’t call him ‘RNC Chairman’ in about a week.

GW: Favorite Albums of 2010

I’ve tried to play the guitar. It never took. I was inspired by my buddy Paul, who used to play the cymbals in the grade school band. He played those cymbals with the flair of a dozen figure skating suns. Alas, with the exception of 70s funk/soul karaoke, I don’t have the gift of music. I do have the gift of judgment.

This was a pretty good year for music. A good year indeed. And I haven’t even heard close to everything. There’s this guy called Kanye West who put out  some rap stuff that even the hipsters are getting half-chubbed about. Gonna have to swallow my contempt and check it out. Here’s what GW liked this yr…

(also good:  The Black Keys – Brothers, Futurebirds – Hamptons Lullaby, The Roots & John Legend – Wake Up, Nico Stai – Dead Pony, Kathryn Calder, Are You My Mother, Caribou – Swim, Cloud Cult – Lightchasers, Delorean – Subiza, Best Comedy Album (nerd!) – Hannibal Burress, My Name Is Hannibal)

20. Citay – Dream Get Together: solid debut. amirite? you probably aren’t sure.

19. Merle Haggard – If I Could Only Fly: There’s something to be said for literal bare-bones country. Merle continues to say it well.

18. Gil Scott Heron – I’m New Here: Speaking of old timers, I repeatedly listen to this poetic trip for the entire month of February, though in fairness February is the shortest month. The more you know, kids. Not for everyone, but if you like the legendary GSH, you need to check it out.

17. Broken Social Scene – Forgiveness Rock Record: Pretty standard. Pretty Canadian. Pretty sure I want to see ‘Chase Scene’ live.

16. Dr. Dog – Shame Shame: Driving through west NC, heard this dude in studio on WYQS, an excellent public radio station. Good stuff. Sincerely, Shadow Person.

15. Jonsi – Go: If you open the door to this weirdo, he might get to you.

14. She & Him – Volume 2: Keep it simple. And as my old lady mockingly chimes in every time I play this album and Zooey D’s voice comes over the speakers,  ‘the touch, the feel…of cot-ton..” The point of that little anecdote is that she doesn’t like it as much as I do.

13. The Black Angels – Phosphene Dream: A little polished and right there for you.

12. Mavis Staples –You Are Not Alone: Still got it? Amen.

11. El Ten Eleven – (self titled): Groovy.

10. The National –  High Violet: They really know how to start off albums. Not their best effort, but good nonetheless.

9. Titus Andronicus – The Monitor: This is the kind of pseudo-punk I hardly ever like. However, there are some rollickin’ tracks on this album.

8. Maximum Balloon – (self-titled): yep.

7. Rakim – The Seventh Seal: (Officially Released 12/09) but needed obligatory hip-hop album demonstrating author’s multicultural tastes. Also my favorite rap album in a long time.

6. The Walkmen – Lisbon: Harpoon Harbor’s favorite album of the year. I pretty much second what he says.

5. Fitz & the Tantrums – Pickin’ Up The Pieces: My current flavor of the month. Fun stuff. 2/5 at the Metro.

4. The Tallest Man on Earth – The Wild Hunt/Sometimes the Blues Is Just A Passing Bird EP:  Who said Swedes have no soul? No one I can think of. I just needed an opening statement. Take a listen. He cuts deep.

3. Ray LaMontagne & the Pariah Dogs – God Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise: Always thought this guy was kind of a pretentious douchebag. He may still be, but now that he put out an enjoyable start-to-finish album that really stuck with me, I can deal with it. Not the most inventive, but certainly one of my favorites this year.  Who’s the pretentious douchebag now, GW?

2. Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More: Missed the boat on a couple of opportunities to see these guys this year. Hopefully won’t happen again.

1. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs: I know. Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock.

 

 

 

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Maybe The Gators Should Hire Randy Shannon To Clean Up The Program

I wrote this a while back and never posted it. In light of Urban Meyer Favre-ing it up again, I thought I would post it.

And yes, the word of the week is “sanctimonious.”

 

"V" For Values

On September 14, Florida playmaker Chris Rainey was arrested on a third-degree felony charge of aggravated stalking, a charge resulting from Rainey allegedly sending his former girlfriend a text message that read, in part, “Time to die bitch.”

 

Meyer dismissed Rainey from the team the following day, saying that Rainey had violated the program’s “core values.” The 2-time national champion defended the program saying, “It’s not a dirty program. We follow the rules and some guys make mistakes and we’ve got to correct those mistakes. We follow the rules.” Meyer added he was “real upset” and also vowed, “enough’s enough.”

 

One month, 2 losses, and a considerable drop in the polls later, Meyer welcomed Rainey (and his 4.3 “40”) back to the team.

 

“I’m disappointed that he violated a core value of our program, but he continues to pay a price for his actions. Chris will have to meet a set of conditions to become a part of our team again, and although he is practicing, he will not play this weekend. The timetable for his return will depend on his ability to follow the guidelines we have laid out for him.”

 

This is just a hunch, but I’m guessing that timetable will lapse some time before the Georgia game on October 30 (it did).

 

While Rainey’s death threat surely violates the “core values” of most human beings, his actions are pretty much par for the course when it comes to Meyer’s players. According to the Tribune, Rainey was the 28th Gator arrested during Meyer’s tenure. In contrast, the former poster-children for misbehavior down the road at Miami have had only one player arrested during the same period under Randy Shannon (since fired for not winning enough games).

 

The sanctimonious fog of Tim Tebow has lifted and the core values of Meyer’s program can be seen as plain-as-day. Success on the field trumps all other concerns, including the character of the players he recruits. Sure, a lot of other programs function in a similar vein, but please don’t try to sell me “change” and “contrition” as the pattern continues to repeat itself. If Meyer wanted to recruit kids with stronger character, he could. Like Northwestern or Duke, he would have a smaller pool to draw from, but he could certainly “correct some of the mistakes” his program had made.  But he doesn’t really want that. The same old story remains, and Florida’s alumni, fans and administration will ignore these recurring offenses as long as Meyer continues to follow through on the only 2 “core values” that really matter to them: money and Wins. 

See you next year.

What Have You Saved For Me Lately?

Washington (CNN) — Senate Democrats failed Thursday to win a procedural vote to open debate on a bill that would provide medical benefits and compensation for emergency workers who were first on the scene of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

The motion for cloture, or to begin debate, needed 60 votes to pass due to a Republican filibuster, but fell short at 57-42 in favor.

While supporters said they would try to bring the bill up again, either on its own or as part of other legislation to be considered, the vote Thursday jeopardized the measure’s chances for approval in the final weeks of the current congressional session.

The James Zadroga 9/11 Health Bill — named after a deceased New York Police Department detective who had worked in the toxic plume at ground zero — seeks to provide free medical coverage for responders and survivors who were exposed to toxins after the attacks.

There’s a lesson here, America. Don’t help your neighbor and always carry a lung brush. Another Christmas miracle! GW sources said the GOP decided to pull back an amendment to the upcoming Appropriations Bill that would subsidize the purchase of coal for placement in the stockings of responders’ children. At the last-minute, Jim DeMint removed it as he noted that these responders are already blessed with high levels of Wall Street asbestos and that these government handouts need to stop.

This would be a good issue for the President to publicly take the GOP to task for being inconsiderate asshats who constantly invoke 9/11 for self-serving purposes, but obviously couldn’t care less about the actual victims. Too bad he saves up all his indignation to yell at the liberals who had the gall to put him into office and expect him to hold true to an occasional bullet point from the campaign platform.

Maybe I’m just being sanctimonious.

Never forget – unless they’re asking you to fork over a sawbuck for the medical costs of people who risked their lives to save strangers.  Wear that lapel pin instead, Johnny America.

Gratuitous Video – Just The Tip!

These biscuits do comedy stuff around Chicago. Get with it.

Made Up Word Of The Day?

As operator of this uninspired time-suck, I’m privy to all the search terms that cause people to stumble across this site. Most of them make sense. Yes, at some point I have mentioned variations of “omar wire” and “tim tebow girlfriend’s huge cans.” That’s why you joined us.

Occasionally, however, I am totally miffed, as I was yesterday when I saw the following search term that brought someone to Gratuitous World:

‘titsdance’

Excuse me? What the hell is ‘titsdance?’  Is it pronounced ‘TITSdance’ or ‘titsDANCE?’  TITSdanc`E?

"I don't smoke... But tonight I'm gonna smoke you! then we'll 'titsdance?'"

The initial image I mustered was of some sort of topless Dutch flash mob. Or maybe it’s the description of some muscular gyrations – like whe Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out makes his man-boobs move up and down? Take that query over to WebMd, bud!

I’m thoroughly confused. What was this person hoping to find? Is this something 50Cent coined on Twitter? My confusion brought me to urbandictionay, and believe it or not, there’s no entry. 

Now i’m left with another secret of the interwebs. and future ‘titsdance’ traffic. nice.

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Wikileaks

Cartoon.

This was linked from Greenwald’s post, which I recommend…

It is a “scandal” when the Government conceals things it is doing without any legitimate basis for that secrecy.  Each and every document that is revealed by WikiLeaks which has been improperly classified — whether because it’s innocuous or because it is designed to hide wrongdoing — is itself an improper act, a serious abuse of government secrecy powers.  Because we’re supposed to have an open government — a democracy —  everything the Government does is presumptively public, and can be legitimately concealed only with compelling justifications.   That’s not just some lofty, abstract theory; it’s central to having anything resembling “consent of the governed.”

But we have completely abandoned that principle; we’ve reversed it.  Now, everything the Government does is presumptively secret; only the most ceremonial and empty gestures are made public.  That abuse of secrecy powers is vast, deliberate, pervasive, dangerous and destructive.  That’s the abuse that WikiLeaks is devoted to destroying, and which its harshest critics — whether intended or not — are helping to preserve.  There are people who eagerly want that secrecy regime to continue:  namely, (a) Washington politicians, Permanent State functionaries, and media figures whose status, power and sense of self-importance are established by their access and devotion to that world of secrecy, and (b) those who actually believe that — despite (or because of) all the above acts — the U.S. Government somehow uses this extreme secrecy for the Good.  Having surveyed the vast suffering and violence they have wreaked behind that wall, those are exactly the people whom WikiLeaks is devoted to undermining.

America Loves Lists! Thanksgiving 2010

What are we thankful for?

1. TSA Patdowns – Fighting the loneliness over the holidays? Now you can tell your invasive and patronizing Aunt Suzie about the new fella you met – Clint, the employed guy with good benefits who fisted you earlier that week. Pass the brussel sprouts.

2. Corporate Profits – Bad Economydouchebaghedgefundmanagersayswhat?

American businesses earned profits at an annual rate of $1.659 trillion in the third quarter, according to a Commerce Department report released Tuesday. That is the highest figure recorded since the government began keeping track over 60 years ago, at least in nominal or noninflation-adjusted terms.

Hoo-ray! Don’t worry, not-obscenely-rich Americans. You don’t have to grab that expired Butterball out of the Wal-Mart dumpster this year. Splurge on the good stuff.  Boom times are ahead! Trickle Down, people! Jobs for all.  Motorboats for some. Leather Backgammon sets for others. Valtrex for a few. We’re all going to be ok. The Captains of Industry redeem themselves! Oh wait.

Still, most economists say the current growth rate is far too slow to recover the considerable ground lost during the recession.

“The economy is not growing fast enough to reduce significantly the unemployment rate or to prevent a slide into deflation,” Paul Dales, a United States economist for Capital Economics, wrote in a note to clients. “This is unlikely to change in 2011 or 2012.”

Shit. It must be that anti-big business black guy in the white house. Be thankful for that moment of false hope.

3.  Cookie Monster – The Relapsed addict and blue-american is at once a tragic and sympathetic figure. Now he wants to host Kristen Wiig’s Saturday Night Live. Like cocaine-addict Lindsay Lohan and 9/11-addict Rudy Giuliani before him, this opportunity could be a brief return to glory – a moment of warmth in life that is intermittently “crumbling.” LOL!

4.  Perspective –  Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl has always been a scumbag, whose scum was first exposed to me during the Deon Thomas incident of the late 1980s. Now he has been suspended for recruiting infractions (that he admitted to).  However, his wife is not happy about it at all. The Pearls have been victimized. And she apparently lives in a college dorm room, maybe with Meghan McCain. Hopefully she enjoys her Thanksgiving Break.

The descendants of Barabbas beg to differ. Too soon?

5.  Hands – Honestly, what would you do without them? Can you pass the gravy? I mean, can you fork some mashed potatoes in my mouth then pour some of that juice in there? Ah, too hot! Thanks for The Clapper, Grandma. Too bad I can’t operate this obsolete sound-activated electrical device.  And those “hands-free” bluetooth devices? Try operating that shit with a couple of stumps.  ‘Hey Timmy, do you want to join the class and make a hand-turkey on construction paper? Oh, that’s right. Just sit quietly in the corner trying to pick your nose.’

When you join hands in prayer, don’t forget to thank Bruce Pearl for all he sacrificed so you could have phalanges to text message and play with yourself .

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Bruce (56). giddyup.

A Roast Is Born

Put down that David Eggers' book and get you some...

Chicago elitists will be rejoicing this winter as two local favorites, Intelligentsia coffee and the band Wilco, have collaborated on a side project.

Wilco now has its own line of coffee beans—“Wilco Selection,” available for pre-order now through Chicago-based coffee makers Intelligentsia.

The last decade has seen the proliferation of both entities. Intelligentsia is still producing at a high level – as I experiece every Sunday, deliciously prepared with my french press, and paired with a mixed berry scone and Sunday NYT.  I sip it delicately, in between scoffs and headshakes directed at people attending religious services. As for Wilco, they’re still putting out albums.  Here’s the business:

This coffee comes from the Sidama region of Ethiopia and is grown by the Homecho Waeno co-op…The aromatics of coffee blossom and violet make way for an incredibly graceful and elegant cup. The body has a light and silky quality, like fresh whipped cream, that beautifully compliments the ever-present note of citron, juniper berry and vanilla. As it cools, the cup blossoms into notes of confectioner’s sugar, rosehips, and soft raisin, resonating on a pristine finish with a touch of milk chocolate. ”

This varies slightly from the “Jeff Tweedy Solo Selection,” which is essentially the same bean, but comes with an  annoying hipster to “shush” anyone who talks during any part of the brewing process.

Happy Birthday, Stranger!

bo,bo,bo, where did you go...?

Bo Derek is 54. She also has the dubious honor of winning three Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Awards for Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981), Bolero (1984) and Ghosts Can’t Do It (1990), and was nominated in 2000 as the “Worst Actress of the Century”. This, of course, is just a vast liberal conspiracy, as Derek is one of the few Conservative Hollywood biscuits and a fine fine actress.

Finally, an odd note on her wikipedia page that brings up more questions than answers…

When White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten was asked about the nature of his relationship with Bo Derek on the April 30, 2006 edition of Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Bolten identified Derek as a “friend” and as a “strong supporter of the President.”