Transformers’ Brain Trust Can’t Handle Divergent Opinions On Moderately Accessible Female Musician

BOOM!

I was reading Pitchfork’s review of the new Feist album in order to formulate an original opinion. Then a link caught my eye.

This is (by far) the best nugget I’ve taken from the site.

Shia LaBeouf learned how to play with others on action-movie sets, which may help explain why he’s often ready for a fight. One scrape last October during the filming of “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” at Florida’s Kennedy Space Center pitted the young actor against director Michael Bay over a song.

With military and NASA personnel watching, Bay and his leading man were shooting an emotional sequence from the script’s third act on a shuttle launchpad at Cape Canaveral. To put himself in a somber frame of mind, LaBeouf plugged his iPod into some speakers and started playing a wistful ballad, Feist’s “Brandy Alexander.”

“Yeah, it’s a little feminine, but it touches me,” LaBeouf says, starting to pepper his recollection with more expletives than are allowed in the PG-13 film. “I feel something when I hear it. … But Mike doesn’t want to listen to ‘Brandy Alexander’ under the rocket with 50 military dudes around.”

Bay unplugged the actor’s iPod, LaBeouf says, and replaced it with his own, cueing up the propulsive, orchestral “The Dark Knight” score. “I take him aside, I’m like, ‘Mike, this is the most important moment in the movie for me. The crux of my whole character, my whole arc. That doesn’t work for me, dude.’ … Now it’s two dudes ready to kill each other. … Spit’s flying.” According to LaBeouf, Bay left the set with the NASA/military entourage, and his director of photography finished shooting the sequence without him. (Bay declined to be interviewed for this piece.)

After much deliberation, 2 armored truck explosions, and a Red Bull/vodka-induced LaBeouf temper tantrum, the 2 douchebags settled on that Aerosmith song from Armageddon.

After working on three “Transformers” movies together, the 25-year-old actor says, Bay is “sort of my big brother. …We’re both very game, very passionate people. Sometimes it’s not actor-director. Sometimes it’s two dudes yelling over explosions. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like the friendliest conversation. But we love each other.”

The greatest love story Bay has produced.

As for Feist, the new album is pretty good. Graveyard is a beautiful song. I’d give it about a 7.8. Nahhh, 7.7.

Ain’t That America: Sex & The City 2

We're so relatable because everyone likes to have sex!!

Apparently, Sex & the City 2: Abu Dhaaaahbi is a (SPOILER) cinematic abomination. And not a quick one, either. It runs 150 minutes. 150!  And to some, the length isn’t the most offensive part. Believe it or not, it’s a little tone def in its portrayal of cultures different from it insular core of vapid, neurotic Manhattan pseudo-Cougars. 

Wajahat Ali (Salon):

Our four female cultural avatars, like imperialistic Barbies, milk Abu Dhabi for leisure and hedonism without making any discernible, concrete efforts to learn about her people and their daily lives. An exception is Miranda, whose IQ drops about 100 points as she dilutes the vast complexities of a diverse culture into sound bites like this: “‘Hanh Gee’ means ‘yes’ in Arabic!”

Only it doesn’t — it’s Hindi and Punjabi, which is spoken by South Asians.

CUT TO: Samantha blowing a Chinese migrant worker. “hanh gee! hanh gee!”  (She’s the uninhibited one!)

She also incorrectly tells the audience that all women in the Middle East have to cover themselves. And, yes, nearly every single Middle Eastern female character in “SATC 2’s” imaginative rendition of “Abu Dhabi,” is veiled, silent or subdued by aggressive men.

[…]

If our cultural ambassadors truly cared about saving Muslim women, they surely would try to help them during the film’s interminable two and half hour running time, no? Sadly, instead, these incredibly shallow mock-feminists can’t even bother to have one decent conversation with a Muslim woman, because they’re too immersed in picnics on the desert and singing Arab disco karaoke renditions of “I Am Woman.” In fact, Abu Dhabi is just peachy when it’s a fantasy land where they ride around in limos and get comped an extravagantly vulgar $22,000 hotel suite. However, only when that materialism is taken away do they worry, in only the most superficial way, about sexual hypocrisy and women’s oppression.

Meanwhile, the perpetually self-absorbed Carrie finds enlightenment in the simple, wise words of her Indian manservant Gaurav, who functions as the movie’s life-changing, magical minority. And Samantha, our “Western” avatar of freedom and liberation, offers a juxtaposition to the silent, oppressed Muslim women by making immature puns like “Lawrence of my Labia” and performing fellatio on a sheesha pipe in public.

The movie uses only two broad colors to paint the Middle East: One depicting an opulent Eden for our blissfully ignorant protagonists to selfishly use as a temporary escape, and the other showing an oppressive dungeon populated by intolerant men that cannot comprehend cleavage or bare shoulders.

OK, a bubble gum approach to reality is to be expected from “SATC2.” And one could imagine a scenario in which the frothy light comedy could be used to erase mutual misunderstandings. After all, Muslim women around the world, who religiously watched the show, would love a strong, empowered Muslim female “SATC” character who could enlighten Western audiences about the complex, and at times oppressive, reality of Middle Eastern women while simultaneously rocking Ferragamos. Instead, the film exists in a wacky cultural vacuum blissfully unaware of its own arrogance and prejudices. 

Apparently, we’re meant to believe Muslim women in the Middle East are equally self-absorbed, vain and materialistic. After completely dissing the Middle East, its people, its religion and its culture, it’s “Sex and the City” that truly insults the Muslim women, by silencing them entirely.

Well…if American audiences respond to anything, it’s franchise sequels overflowing with redundant clichés and painfully familiar characters (caricatures). So the movie obviously made over $50 million in the opening week, thus paving the way for (you guessed it) the probable making of 3rd eye-gouging disaster.  I’m offering these ideas for the worn formula…

Sex & the City 3: ‘Eskihos!’ Obsessed with her aging uterus, Charlotte is puffed to the gills with fertility treatment by an experimental therapist in Fairbanks. She pops out some octuplets. After purchasing over-priced designer booties and mittens for the kids, Miranda’s new boyfriend sits the little ones on top of 8 huskies for the annual Iditarod. In a Disney-esque turn of events, they’re like little jockeys, and only one loses a foot!!!  Meanwhile, Samantha starts fucking a fish monger. “It wasn’ t just noses we were rubbing” is a line for the trailer. She’s such a slut! hilarious!

Sex & the City 3: ‘Deeper South’ After losing a bet with one of her embarrassingly effeminate male friends, Carrie finds herself at the Old Plantation home of one of her distant cousins. As she tries to acclimate herself to the day-to-day life on the farm (while wearing 6-in heels), hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, Miranda says something snarky about the South. Samantha starts fucking a black farm hand, and the offensive cultural ignorance keeps on rolling.  “Let’s just say he showed me his ‘Kunta Kinte,’ y’all!” That means his ‘penis’! And it’s also a reference to centuries of human bondage!  But who cares because she’s sleeps with so many men! Her vagina is soooo worn. Haha!

Sex & the City 3: ‘Sex-ico’  Ola’, Senoritas.  Miranda gets sent to Mexico by her law firm in order to mitigate damages suffered by workers injured in a chemical plant explosion. The rest of the girls are coming with. Hey-o!!! Charlotte gets roped into a Santa Muerte ceremony and loses her shit when an old woman smears rooster blood on her forehead. “These poor people are savages. Senor, una paloma mas, por favor…”  Meanwhile, Carrie narrates inapplicable life lessons in her annoying flinty voice and Samantha just wants to fuck. “He can mow my lawn any day…” Holy shit! Can’t you just say you want to have sex with him?!  How many entendres are too many???

So there it is. If anyone has seen this film, feel free to weigh in. I’m taking Mr. Ali’s advice and staying far far away.

Chinese Girl Wants To Star In Awful Movies

year of the mmm...

What trade deficit? We are apparently still exporting good ol’ crazy celebrity-obsessed American culture:

SHANGHAI – A Chinese woman is seeking extensive plastic surgery to look like U.S. actress Jessica Alba, mainly because she hopes to win back her boyfriend who she said always wished she looked more like the Hollywood star.

The 21-year-old, who would only give her name as Xiaoqing, said she was devastated after she broke up with her lover, an ardent fan of the actress who has starred in hit movies such as “Fantastic Four” and “Into the Blue.”

This guy must be pretty special. Let’s learn about him!

Xiaoqing, who works at an Internet firm in Shanghai, said that during their 18-month-long relationship, her 28-year-old boyfriend had been obsessed with Alba, adorning their apartment with her photographs and talking about her constantly.

She said that while her boyfriend had not forced her to look like Alba, he always hinted that the wanted her to resemble his favorite star and even bought her a blonde wig to wear

I don’t know how to say “red flag” in Mandarin, but that’s an expression that can be applied to this situation.

Hopefully, Xiaoqing’s surgery will be a success and I will be one-step closer to fulfilling my girlfriend’s debauched fantasy that I look more like Richard Belzer.

see ya soon, buddy!

 

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Douchenozzle Of The Week

If there’s one organization that can demand pious morality from others, yet  still blame others for its own misdeeds, it’s the Catholic Church.

Enter Bill Donahue, president of the Catholic League, and all-around hateful jackass, who the Washington Post just allows to go on a fact-free, juvenile rant.  Some highlights:

Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, “Thou Shalt Not.” But they continue with their death-style anyway ….

Thou Shalt Not Commit Douchebaggery.

Totally!  When I lube up my group sex partners and strap on the ball-gag, the only thing going through my mind is 80-year old Sister Mary (my 3rd grade teacher), and our complicated lust/hate relationship. It’s all about Catholicism!  Actually, it’s you Bill. I can’t stop thinking of you. You and St. Fiacre, patron saint of  hemorrhoids sufferers (true).

But I guess it’s just adult, consensual, out-of-wedlock, non-missionary, secular fucking that should be shamed and condemned.  Because, as we both know, Mr. Donahue never met a Catholic child-molester for whom he couldn’t make excuses……..

Douchenozzle’s Checklist for American decay:  The Sexually Active? Check.  Ok, moving on – Hollywood:

There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone. Now they just insult. And when someone finally makes a film that makes Christians proud, he is run out of town. Were it not for Mel Gibson, there would have been no “Passion of the Christ.” But for every Harvey Weinstein who likes to bash Catholics, there is always someone else waiting in the wings to do the same ….

I understand Bill’s job is to “spin,” but Jesus Christ (no pun),  there’s no way this asshead can honestly believe Mel Gibson was “run out of town”  because of The Passion.  For God’s sake, people gave him money to do Apocalypto.  No mention of the lesser-known, anti-Mayan prejudice of Hollywood Jews.

Gibson tarnished his own reputation by getting trashed and making public his hostile anti-Semitism.  But it’s all a symbol of Catholic persecution because Harvey Weinstein produced a movie with an evil priest.

Maybe Donahue is just upset because he went to the “casting couch” with a Hollyowood producer who promised him a role in the next Flomax commercial. Sad.

Okay, moving on to  liberals + gays + philanthropists:

Catholics were once the mainstay of the Democratic Party; now the gay activists are in charge. Indeed, practicing Catholics are no longer welcome in leadership roles in the Party: the contempt that pro-life Catholics experience is palpable. The fact that Catholics for Choice, a notoriously anti-Catholic front group funded by the Ford Foundation, has a close relationship with the Democrats says it all ….

Yes, Democrats despise Catholics.  You know, arch-enemies like John Kerry, Joe Biden, and Ted Kennedy.

The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.

This guy is so out-of-touch it’s unbelievable.  Doesn’t he know we’re all aborting dogs, walking kids, and eschewing baths altogether?

Bill has a classic Perseuction Complex.  Look, asshole, this isn’t the 1920s.  I will refrain from retelling the history of anti-Catholicism, but let’s make one thing clear:  Calling out the Church’s criminal conspiracy to cover-up the pedophilia of their priests does not constitute  persecution.  It constitutes appropriate indignation at the most despicable behavior attributable to humans.  Where’s your moral compass, Dbag?

You can fight your imaginary culture wars all you want.  At the end of the day, only a miniscule pack  of drones will pick up the pitchforks to follow you.  And at the end of the day, you’ll still be a Douchenozzle.

Science Haters & Hollywood To Deprive U.S. Of Jennifer Connelly

Unreal.  Actually, not unreal. I believe it. You may say I’m a true believer. 

Creation, starring Paul Bettany, details Darwin’s “struggle between faith and reason” as he wrote On The Origin of Species. It depicts him as a man who loses faith in God following the death of his beloved 10-year-old daughter, Annie.

The film was chosen to open the Toronto Film Festival and has its British premiere on Sunday. It has been sold in almost every territory around the world, from Australia to Scandinavia.

However, US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which will prove hugely divisive in a country where, according to a Gallup poll conducted in February, only 39 per cent of Americans believe in the theory of evolution.

Movieguide.org, an influential site which reviews films from a Christian perspective, described Darwin as the father of eugenics and denounced him as “a racist, a bigot and an 1800s naturalist whose legacy is mass murder”. His “half-baked theory” directly influenced Adolf Hitler and led to “atrocities, crimes against humanity, cloning and genetic engineering”, the site stated.

The film has sparked fierce debate on US Christian websites, with a typical comment dismissing evolution as “a silly theory with a serious lack of evidence to support it despite over a century of trying“.

Yes – that silly theory with incomparable genetic evidence. So unlike the totally realistic theory with the Invisble Bearded Man, the Magic Tree, and the Sassy Talking Snake.

What’s going on here? The Jesus Freaks have been out-to-lunch for years.  They can’t be blamed.  It’s possible no distributor thinks it will make any money.  Although 21st  Century Hollywood only produces spin-offs and sequels, I doubt this is the case.  If it gets enough publicity, it will eventually get released here.

This falls on the pathetic Hollywood “liberals.”  No one wants to piss off the bored, letter-writing Creationists. They might miss out on a chance to distribute Home School Musical II.  Zing.

On the Origin of MY Species. Hey-o!

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