Monkey See, Monkey Dude?

Glenn Beck took a break from plotting the repeal of the 20th Century to get science-y today. I’ll just let him do his thing:

“I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.”

“If I get to the other side and God’s like, ‘You know what, yep, you were a monkey once,’ I’ll be shocked, but I’ll be cool with it,” he said.

“They have to make you care,” Beck continued. “They have to force it down your throat. When anybody has to force it — it’s a problem. You didn’t have to force that the world was round. Truth is truth.”

separated at earth

I’ve apparently missed all these uber-aggressive scientists mind-raping everyone with evolutionary theory.  Maybe they should get syndicated radio shows.

Like Beck, I’m really impatient for evolution to show itself. I mean, according to the established theory, didn’t it only take a few weeks for amoebas to evolve into fish who then evolved into Leprechauns by the end of the following Spring? This guy is on onto something.

While I have seen 2 million year old human remains in East Africa, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man-monkey on the street either.

You know what else I haven’t seen yet? GOD, YOU FUCKING CLOWN. And the invocation of the earth’s shape is hilarious considering the ‘flat earth society’ existed up until the time the Soviets finally put a rocket into space. 

Beck is a stickler for Fischer Price evidence and until the 50s, I’m sure he would’ve hated all the round-earth Pythagoras-loving motherfuckers shoving all that physics down his throat.

Truth is truth? Jesus. Are you even trying anymore?

NO!!! I’m More Stereotypically Ignorant!

The GOP Primary for Alabama Governor has been an a hilarious exercise in pandering between some good ‘ol homespun culture warriors. First there was candidate Tim James’ awesome ad appealing to the Alabamans who are terrified of pressing “1” for English. 

“Why do our politicians make us give driver’s licenses in twelve languages?” GOP candidate Tim James asks, accompanied by a soft piano soundtrack.  “This is Alabama; we speak English,” James says. “If you want to live here, learn it.””We’re only giving that test in English when I’m governor,” he adds.”Maybe it’s the businessman in me, and it makes sense. Does it to you?” 

THEY TOOK ‘UR JOBS! I recently returned from a roadtrip through the Deep South. To designate the language as “English” is questionable.  Ain’t that rite to git wit, y’all? 

Anyway, after getting past the clichéd + expected nativism, another challenge presented itself:  Who Can Be The Biggest Science Denier?! 

In Alabama, a state PAC recently went on the air with an ad attacking candidate Bradley Byrne for supporting the teaching of evolution in schools and for saying that parts of the Bible aren’t true. 

Well, nobody is going to out-Jesus Bradley Byrne without a fight. He immediately issued a press release clarifying he fucking hates science and loves white Jesus and all the schizophrenic Biblical scribblers:

“As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God,” Byrne wrote. “As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.” 

He went on: “I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true … My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action.” 

Well, good for you. Who wants to learn about science in science class anyway? 

Ultimately, this says more about Alabama Republicans than the actual candidates. All politicians pander to get elected. The people of Alabama have spoken: They’re cool with awful public schools and ignorant children as long as Charlie Darwin can be hung in effigy on every New Moon.  Good luck to all, and thank you for your hilarious predictability.

Science Haters & Hollywood To Deprive U.S. Of Jennifer Connelly

Unreal.  Actually, not unreal. I believe it. You may say I’m a true believer. 

Creation, starring Paul Bettany, details Darwin’s “struggle between faith and reason” as he wrote On The Origin of Species. It depicts him as a man who loses faith in God following the death of his beloved 10-year-old daughter, Annie.

The film was chosen to open the Toronto Film Festival and has its British premiere on Sunday. It has been sold in almost every territory around the world, from Australia to Scandinavia.

However, US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which will prove hugely divisive in a country where, according to a Gallup poll conducted in February, only 39 per cent of Americans believe in the theory of evolution.

Movieguide.org, an influential site which reviews films from a Christian perspective, described Darwin as the father of eugenics and denounced him as “a racist, a bigot and an 1800s naturalist whose legacy is mass murder”. His “half-baked theory” directly influenced Adolf Hitler and led to “atrocities, crimes against humanity, cloning and genetic engineering”, the site stated.

The film has sparked fierce debate on US Christian websites, with a typical comment dismissing evolution as “a silly theory with a serious lack of evidence to support it despite over a century of trying“.

Yes – that silly theory with incomparable genetic evidence. So unlike the totally realistic theory with the Invisble Bearded Man, the Magic Tree, and the Sassy Talking Snake.

What’s going on here? The Jesus Freaks have been out-to-lunch for years.  They can’t be blamed.  It’s possible no distributor thinks it will make any money.  Although 21st  Century Hollywood only produces spin-offs and sequels, I doubt this is the case.  If it gets enough publicity, it will eventually get released here.

This falls on the pathetic Hollywood “liberals.”  No one wants to piss off the bored, letter-writing Creationists. They might miss out on a chance to distribute Home School Musical II.  Zing.

On the Origin of MY Species. Hey-o!

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