Gratuitous World

A disfigured conglomerate

Posts Tagged ‘Theory of Evolution’

Monkey See, Monkey Dude?

Posted by Matt on October 20, 2010

Glenn Beck took a break from plotting the repeal of the 20th Century to get science-y today. I’ll just let him do his thing:

I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.”

If I get to the other side and God’s like, ‘You know what, yep, you were a monkey once,’ I’ll be shocked, but I’ll be cool with it,” he said.

They have to make you care,” Beck continued. “They have to force it down your throat. When anybody has to force it — it’s a problem. You didn’t have to force that the world was round. Truth is truth.”

separated at earth

I’ve apparently missed all these uber-aggressive scientists mind-raping everyone with evolutionary theory.  Maybe they should get syndicated radio shows.

Like Beck, I’m really impatient for evolution to show itself. I mean, according to the established theory, didn’t it only take a few weeks for amoebas to evolve into fish who then evolved into Leprechauns by the end of the following Spring? This guy is on onto something.

While I have seen 2 million year old human remains in East Africa, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man-monkey on the street either.

You know what else I haven’t seen yet? GOD, YOU FUCKING CLOWN. And the invocation of the earth’s shape is hilarious considering the ‘flat earth society’ existed up until the time the Soviets finally put a rocket into space. 

Beck is a stickler for Fischer Price evidence and until the 50s, I’m sure he would’ve hated all the round-earth Pythagoras-loving motherfuckers shoving all that physics down his throat.

Truth is truth? Jesus. Are you even trying anymore?

Posted in Media, Politics, Religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

NO!!! I’m More Stereotypically Ignorant!

Posted by Matt on May 13, 2010

The GOP Primary for Alabama Governor has been an a hilarious exercise in pandering between some good ‘ol homespun culture warriors. First there was candidate Tim James’ awesome ad appealing to the Alabamans who are terrified of pressing “1” for English. 

“Why do our politicians make us give driver’s licenses in twelve languages?” GOP candidate Tim James asks, accompanied by a soft piano soundtrack.  “This is Alabama; we speak English,” James says. “If you want to live here, learn it.””We’re only giving that test in English when I’m governor,” he adds.”Maybe it’s the businessman in me, and it makes sense. Does it to you?” 

THEY TOOK ‘UR JOBS! I recently returned from a roadtrip through the Deep South. To designate the language as “English” is questionable.  Ain’t that rite to git wit, y’all? 

Anyway, after getting past the clichéd + expected nativism, another challenge presented itself:  Who Can Be The Biggest Science Denier?! 

In Alabama, a state PAC recently went on the air with an ad attacking candidate Bradley Byrne for supporting the teaching of evolution in schools and for saying that parts of the Bible aren’t true. 

Well, nobody is going to out-Jesus Bradley Byrne without a fight. He immediately issued a press release clarifying he fucking hates science and loves white Jesus and all the schizophrenic Biblical scribblers:

“As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God,” Byrne wrote. “As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.” 

He went on: “I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true … My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action.” 

Well, good for you. Who wants to learn about science in science class anyway? 

Ultimately, this says more about Alabama Republicans than the actual candidates. All politicians pander to get elected. The people of Alabama have spoken: They’re cool with awful public schools and ignorant children as long as Charlie Darwin can be hung in effigy on every New Moon.  Good luck to all, and thank you for your hilarious predictability.

Posted in Politics, Religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Mind Of Texas

Posted by Matt on March 11, 2010

"Public Education Pioneer Don McLeroy was known for his grasp of American History and his flowing locks of auburn hair." (Texas' American History, Vol. II, 2011)

Austin is one of my favorite cities in America. Other than that, this site is rife with criticisms of the of state Texas, and in particular, soon-to-be re-elected Gov. Perry. I don’t want to go overboard on a state where 30% of its citizens want to secede from the Union, but some good came out of last week’s primaries.  An encouraging moment… 

The top conservative activist on the powerful Texas Board of Education, who rejects evolution and has pushed for a revisionist right-wing U.S. history curriculum, is on the way out, after a moderate candidate defeated him in a tight primary last week. 

For months now, TPMmuckraker has been covering Don McLeroy as a major player in the battle over the drafting of nationally influential history textbook standards by the Texas board. 

Essentially, because of their size, textbook standards in Texas and California play important roles in the drafting nationwide texts.  That’s how I understand it. So instead of keeping their ignorance within state lines, this country’s children (who already can’t find Iraq on the map unless they’re sent there) would be exposed to the same idiotic curriculum as a state that ranks in the lower 1/3 nationally. 

Lobbyist Thomas Ratliff edged out McLeroy 50.4%-49.6% in a GOP primary for the seat McLeroy has held since 1999. Close as it was, Ratliff’s win is significant because he represented a clear alternative to McLeroy, and he pulled through in a deeply conservative district. McLeroy’s home county went 64-35 for McCain in ’08, and no Democrat is even running for the board seat. 

Ratliff is younger, moderate, and emphasized listening “to teachers and superintendents in determining what students should know,” according to the endorsement column of the Dallas Morning News. 

McLeroy led the fight against teaching evolution in recent years, a position which became an issue during the race. 

“I believe God created the Heavens and the Earth millions and millions of years ago,” Ratliff says on his Web site. “I do not believe, as my opponent does, that the Earth is a mere few thousand years old, nor do I believe, as my opponent does, that dinosaurs and mankind lived at the same time.” 

Among the highlights of McLeroy’s time on the board are: 

  • In 2008, he objected to including Chinese literature in English classes: “[Y]ou really don’t want Chinese books with a bunch of crazy Chinese words in them. Why should you take a child’s time trying to learn a word that they’ll never ever use again?” He conceded some terms, such as “chow mein,” might be useful, the San Antonio Express-News reported.
  • He said during a 2008 debate over science standards: “Is understanding of evolution ‘vital’ to the understanding of biology? No.”
  • Last year he instructed curriculum writers to “read the latest on [Joseph] McCarthy — he was basically vindicated.”
  • He described his textbook evaluation process this way to the Washington Monthly: “The way I evaluate history textbooks is first I see how they cover Christianity and Israel. Then I see how they treat Ronald Reagan–he needs to get credit for saving the world from communism and for the good economy over the last twenty years because he lowered taxes.”
  • Finally, McLeroy successfully offered an amendment to U.S. history standards to require students to be able to “describe the causes and key organizations and individuals of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schafly, the Contract with America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association.” There is no liberal counterpart clause in the current draft of the standards.

That last fight isn’t over — and McLeroy will remain in his seat for the remainder of this year. We’ll be following the debate over the history textbook standards, which is expected to continue through May. Stay tuned. 

Gratuitous World has learned of some of the other “history” standards proposed by McLeroy:  

  • Japanese Internment will now be referred to as “Keeping America’s Roads Safe.”
  • Women’s Suffrage should be taught as the “tyrannical imposition of extra-constutional rights brought forth by a movement composed of perpetually menstruating man-haters.” 
  • Along with falsely crediting Reagan with “saving the world from Communism” and “fiscal discipline,” Reagan’s middle name will be changed from “Wilson.” He shall now be referred to as Ronald 9-Inch Jesus Reagan.
  • FDR’s New Deal shall now be referred to as Hitler’s Invasion and Annexation of Czechoslovakia.
  • The chapter addressing American extermination and subjugation of American Indians under the guise of ‘Manifest Destiny’ and ‘civilizing the barbarians’ will now refer to the Native Americans as, “They Who Have Poor Immune Systems and Enjoyed Being Executed And Tossed In Mass Graves… That will be a rather wordy chapter.

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Science Haters & Hollywood To Deprive U.S. Of Jennifer Connelly

Posted by Matt on September 15, 2009

Unreal.  Actually, not unreal. I believe it. You may say I’m a true believer. 

Creation, starring Paul Bettany, details Darwin’s “struggle between faith and reason” as he wrote On The Origin of Species. It depicts him as a man who loses faith in God following the death of his beloved 10-year-old daughter, Annie.

The film was chosen to open the Toronto Film Festival and has its British premiere on Sunday. It has been sold in almost every territory around the world, from Australia to Scandinavia.

However, US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which will prove hugely divisive in a country where, according to a Gallup poll conducted in February, only 39 per cent of Americans believe in the theory of evolution.

Movieguide.org, an influential site which reviews films from a Christian perspective, described Darwin as the father of eugenics and denounced him as “a racist, a bigot and an 1800s naturalist whose legacy is mass murder”. His “half-baked theory” directly influenced Adolf Hitler and led to “atrocities, crimes against humanity, cloning and genetic engineering”, the site stated.

The film has sparked fierce debate on US Christian websites, with a typical comment dismissing evolution as “a silly theory with a serious lack of evidence to support it despite over a century of trying“.

Yes – that silly theory with incomparable genetic evidence. So unlike the totally realistic theory with the Invisble Bearded Man, the Magic Tree, and the Sassy Talking Snake.

What’s going on here? The Jesus Freaks have been out-to-lunch for years.  They can’t be blamed.  It’s possible no distributor thinks it will make any money.  Although 21st  Century Hollywood only produces spin-offs and sequels, I doubt this is the case.  If it gets enough publicity, it will eventually get released here.

This falls on the pathetic Hollywood “liberals.”  No one wants to piss off the bored, letter-writing Creationists. They might miss out on a chance to distribute Home School Musical II.  Zing.

On the Origin of MY Species.  Hey-o!

On the Origin of MY Species. Hey-o!

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