This Week In Real Americans

Real America existed long ago in our pre-industrial United States. Guided by their virtuous adherence to black bondage, these Americans became soooo real that regular America just couldn’t handle their Americanism. Though they failed to establish their own Real American sanctuary/bathhouse, their realness was not extinguished but heightened through the use of backwards logic, bourbon and loud, unintelligible yells.   

Fast-forward 150 years and you would’ve thought these Patriots would find new ways to manifest their realness. Eat a KFC Double Down. Watch NASCAR while pantsless. Kick a Mexican. You know – do their duty for America. But alas, they can’t leave the past behind…  

Well, if there was ever a time to re-animate William Tecumseh Sherman...

 The National Federation of Republican Women (NFRW) held its annual fall Board of Directors meeting in Charleston, S.C. last weekend – a decision the organization is likely regretting after several controversial pictures from one of the meeting’s sponsored events began surfacing on the internet. 

One of the pictures shows S.C. Senate President Glenn McConnell –  who FITS readers will recall enjoys dressing up as a Confederate General – posing in his Rebel garb with a pair of African-Americans dressed in, um, “antebellum” attire. 

The event in question – dubbed “The Southern Experience” – was held last Friday evening at the Country Club of Charleston. Hosted by the South Carolina Federation of Republican Women, it was included on the national conference’s official itinerary.  In addition to McConnell, S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford attended (and spoke at) the event – although it was not listed on his weekly public schedule. S.C. Republican Attorney General nominee Alan Wilson also attended.  

Invited speakers to the NFRW conference included U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner, Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Joe Wilson, House Speaker Bobby Harrell, former U.S. Ambassador David Wilkins and GOP gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley.

Yes, friends. The NFRW rented a couple black people to dress up as slaves – which isn’t slavery in itself because they were paid a reasonable wage and we’re in the middle of a Recession. Which makes it totally cool.  It was also nice of Sanford to take time from his Real (South) American to get Confederate for America.

Ah, the romanticism of secession. “Romanticession?”

The Night They Read Old Dixie To Sleep

Looking for the perfect gift for that bitter, racist parent who always ruins Thanksgiving? Well, Human Events has the perfect gift, celebrating the most patriotic enemy to ever kill Americans.

Perfect for those who can read.

“A rousing guide to the great war that shaped America — and to the spirit of the Old South that we need so much today”

Yes! Sick of liberal scholars ignoring when Jefferson Davis crossed the French Broad River in his pantaloons to save his bi-racial lovechild? Long for the time when you could incest your first cousin, and then spend the rest of the day sipping bourbon on the porch while some coloreds picked cotton for free, instead of paying some illegal half a living wage? Want to spray paint some Stars n’ Bars on Grant’s tomb?

Part of Regnery Publishing’s hugely popular “Politically Incorrect Guide” series, The Politically Incorrect Guide™ to the Civil War is a joyful myth-busting rebel yell that shatters today’s Leftist and demeaning stereotypes about the South and the Civil War — and shows why, in the words of G. K. Chesterton, “America and the whole world is crying out for the spirit of the Old South.”

This is the Politically Incorrect Guide that every Civil War buff and Southern partisan — and everyone who is tired of liberal self-hatred that vilifies America’s greatest heroes — will have to have on his bookshelf.

Remember when we could fight deadly wars against former countrymen instead of foreigners?  If only we could turn back the clock to combine the spirit of racism, human bondage and secession with 21st Century blessings like NASCAR, automatic weapons and the KFC Doubledown . Yee-fuckin-haw!  Happy 4th of July/Secession Remembrance Weekend!

Gratuitous World Cup

The World’s greatest sporting event has it all:  Scoreless Ties, Constant Flopping, Incessant Horns. Back and forth, round and round…for hours. It’s like NASCAR, but with more fan deaths and nativism.

Every 4 years, this event comes around, each time interpreted by some idiot fans as a sort of battle for world supremacy. Nothing like an over-hyped soccer event to make me find common ground with Glenn Beck.  Can’t we settle all these arguments in a simpler manner?

We can find 2010’s greatest country without having to watch 2 hours of not scoring. To keep it simple, I’ve picked one thing to represent each participant. Pick your favorite in the poll (here). 2 will advance from each Group. I believe this event goes on until November, so we have plenty of time.  We’ll start with Group A…

GROUP A

Goal!

1. France: Rich with history and culture, France tries hard to be a prolific global influence, while often concurrently being a pain in ass.  That aside, the case for France can be made by pointing to  Élysée Palace, and Carla Bruni, the world’s most smokin’ first lady. While other first wives/queens, such as Syria’s Asma al-Assad, look great patrolling the world’s most exclusive dinner parties, Bruni is something else.  As a young model and aspiring musician, she was imported from Italy to various places in order service the needs of aging rocks stars such as Mick Jagger. In 2008, she married French President Nicolas Sarkozy, an incredible coup for a country who many think has seen its glory days.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Mexico: Like France, Mexico has a storied history,and rich culture. Specifically, Mexican cuisine is hard to top. While I enjoy burritos, enchiladas, tamales, mole dishes, serrano peppers etc., it’s the ubiquitous Taco representing Mexico in the Gratuitous World Cup.  Tacos are versatile, and can be the canvas for pretty much any ingredient you wish to project.  Personally, a solid fish taco is one of the tastiest meals around. Maybe I’m just a simple man. Or maybe tacos are just that good. Viva Mexico!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jackass

3. South Africa: South Africa does not have quite the same cultural history of France or Mexico. In fact, the Far Right government was able to maintain much of Apartheid’s legacy by trading racist policy for Libertarian policy sometime in the early 1990s. Combine that with AIDS-deniers like former president Thabo Mbeki, and the World Cup visitors will still get to see miles and miles of impoverished tenement communities. RSA! RSA!  Alas, it ain’t all bad.  Cape Town is truly one of the world’s coolest cities and South Africa has some fairly varied ecosystems. You know what they have ? Penguins! And while the cute smelly waddlers may not be the most representative creature of the country, it’s pretty amazing they have maintained on the bottom coast of a damn hot continent. The species “native” to Southern Africa is the Jackass Penguin, which would also be an appropriate mascot for most soccer hooligans.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. Uruguay: Uruguay is a fairly unique South American country in that its comprised almost exclusively of people with varied European descents.  An agriculture-driven country, in 2007, it became the first Latin American country to legalize same-sex and different-sex civil unions at a national level. Thus, it may be no surprise that Uruguay is regarded by some as the most secular country in the Americas. Secularism is part of Uruguay’s fabric, and while 66% of the country identify themselves as Catholics, church and state remain separate while Religious freedom is guaranteed. Uruguay has one of the highest ‘qualities of life’ in South America.

Vote here and stay tuned for Group B.

Project Runway Is Ruining Steve King’s Day

Steve's eyes have seen a lot of love...

Gays are bothering our good friend, Whackjob Iowa Rep. Steve King. And you know what? He’s got a point. A ridiculous, ridiculous point.

If people wear their sexuality on their sleeve, then they want to bring litigation against someone that they would point their finger at and say “you discriminate,” it is an entrapment that is legalized by the ENDA Act, it appears to, and its a violation of the individual rights of employers to, at their own discretion, decide who they want to hire and who they want to fire. We don’t need more federal mandates. And we surely don’t need a political statement, and that’s what this is, too. This is the homosexual activist lobby taking it out on the rest of society. They are demanding affirmation for their lifestyle. That’s at the bottom of this

See. You have to keep your sexuality to yourself. If you’re gay, be like a good gay republican public official and hate on the community you simultaneously ask to maintain your anonymity.  Its called the “downlow” for a reason. Just stop being so damned gay.  They keep “taking it out on Steve” over and over and over…

I don’t know what farm animal Steve King beds down with at night, because he certainly doesn’t wear his bestiality on his sleeve.  His bigotry on the other hand? Slapped front + center on his hood, like a laundry detergent logo on a NASCAR vehicle.

America Loves Lists! – Worst Sports-Related Baby Names

i say i say boy

Inspired by the story of these clowns, GW breaks down a recent trend:  

5. Crimson Tide Redd (boy):     

The young couple made an agreement before their son’s birth that J.L. could be in charge of naming the baby, wanting to use his last name, Redd, as inspiration.    

“His family was extremely excited (about the name choice),” Jackie said.  “Her family couldn’t understand why we’d name our child after a football team,” J.L. said.   

 Football team? Grandpa Redd is a huge Hackman fan. 

 4. Tré Rivers Kemerer (boy): Three Rivers Stadium was the former home of the Pittsburgh Steelers. French it up a bit and slap it on a helpless newborn. Presto. You just named your child after a building demolished in 2001.  

 3. All Cubs’ Related Names: The worst part about being a Cubs’ fan is other Cubs’ fans. Cases in point, these spawn of Cubs’ faithful:    

• Wrigley Fields
• Addison N. Clark   (Throwing up a little bit is understandable.)
• The Dynek Family:  

ADDISON Dynek (boy, 1988) – Addison Street, which borders Wrigley to the South.  Middle name Buck.

CLARK Dynek (boy) – Clark Street borders Wrigley to the West. 

SHEFFIELD Dynek (boy) – Sheffield Avenue borders Wrigley on the East.

GRACE WAVELAND Dynek (girl) – They thought this would be their last child, so they used two street names.  Waveland Avenue borders Wrigley to the North.  And there’s an old convent on Grace Street (one block North of Waveland) where the couple would park before games.  

IVY Marie WRIGLEY Dynek (girl, 1997) – Named for the Ivy on the outfield wall and Wrigley Field itself.  

For many reasons, it’s good this family stopped procreating. Looks like they were really reaching for the last coupl enames. I wouldn’t want to saddle any poor youngster with the label “Trough Splashback Dynek,” or “Cell-Phone Douchebag Dynek.” Poor little buddies. 

Soriano, huh? Well they’ll still be paying him during your awkward teen years.

  2. Chevy Dale Karr (boy):   

PLANT CITY – Roger Karr Jr.’s first wheels were a Chevy El Camino. In fact, he’s driven nothing but Chevys ever since.  So it seemed only fitting that he named his first-born son after his favorite brand of car, with the name of his favorite NASCAR driver — Dale Earnhardt Jr. — thrown in for good measure.  

Dale Sr. is the most revered and iconic NASCAR driver of all-time. Why? Because he was (a) very successful & (b) incredibly reckless. Not surprisingly, the idiot died in a horrendous accident. I hope all our Palm City, Florida readers are especially careful in about 15 years, when Chevy Dale Karr gets his first Camaro.   

1. ESPN Montana Real (boy?): And we end where we started – in the Deep South.   

BILOXI, Miss. – Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.   

ESPN?  Are you kidding? This isn’t even anything associated with a team or player. It’s a tv cable channel.  In fairness, I’ve always wanted to name my 1st born son “VH-Juan Carlos.” Tragically, I would never trust a woman who would agree to that.