This Week In Real Americans

Real America existed long ago in our pre-industrial United States. Guided by their virtuous adherence to black bondage, these Americans became soooo real that regular America just couldn’t handle their Americanism. Though they failed to establish their own Real American sanctuary/bathhouse, their realness was not extinguished but heightened through the use of backwards logic, bourbon and loud, unintelligible yells.   

Fast-forward 150 years and you would’ve thought these Patriots would find new ways to manifest their realness. Eat a KFC Double Down. Watch NASCAR while pantsless. Kick a Mexican. You know – do their duty for America. But alas, they can’t leave the past behind…  

Well, if there was ever a time to re-animate William Tecumseh Sherman...

 The National Federation of Republican Women (NFRW) held its annual fall Board of Directors meeting in Charleston, S.C. last weekend – a decision the organization is likely regretting after several controversial pictures from one of the meeting’s sponsored events began surfacing on the internet. 

One of the pictures shows S.C. Senate President Glenn McConnell –  who FITS readers will recall enjoys dressing up as a Confederate General – posing in his Rebel garb with a pair of African-Americans dressed in, um, “antebellum” attire. 

The event in question – dubbed “The Southern Experience” – was held last Friday evening at the Country Club of Charleston. Hosted by the South Carolina Federation of Republican Women, it was included on the national conference’s official itinerary.  In addition to McConnell, S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford attended (and spoke at) the event – although it was not listed on his weekly public schedule. S.C. Republican Attorney General nominee Alan Wilson also attended.  

Invited speakers to the NFRW conference included U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner, Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Joe Wilson, House Speaker Bobby Harrell, former U.S. Ambassador David Wilkins and GOP gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley.

Yes, friends. The NFRW rented a couple black people to dress up as slaves – which isn’t slavery in itself because they were paid a reasonable wage and we’re in the middle of a Recession. Which makes it totally cool.  It was also nice of Sanford to take time from his Real (South) American to get Confederate for America.

Ah, the romanticism of secession. “Romanticession?”

The Night They Read Old Dixie To Sleep

Looking for the perfect gift for that bitter, racist parent who always ruins Thanksgiving? Well, Human Events has the perfect gift, celebrating the most patriotic enemy to ever kill Americans.

Perfect for those who can read.

“A rousing guide to the great war that shaped America — and to the spirit of the Old South that we need so much today”

Yes! Sick of liberal scholars ignoring when Jefferson Davis crossed the French Broad River in his pantaloons to save his bi-racial lovechild? Long for the time when you could incest your first cousin, and then spend the rest of the day sipping bourbon on the porch while some coloreds picked cotton for free, instead of paying some illegal half a living wage? Want to spray paint some Stars n’ Bars on Grant’s tomb?

Part of Regnery Publishing’s hugely popular “Politically Incorrect Guide” series, The Politically Incorrect Guide™ to the Civil War is a joyful myth-busting rebel yell that shatters today’s Leftist and demeaning stereotypes about the South and the Civil War — and shows why, in the words of G. K. Chesterton, “America and the whole world is crying out for the spirit of the Old South.”

This is the Politically Incorrect Guide that every Civil War buff and Southern partisan — and everyone who is tired of liberal self-hatred that vilifies America’s greatest heroes — will have to have on his bookshelf.

Remember when we could fight deadly wars against former countrymen instead of foreigners?  If only we could turn back the clock to combine the spirit of racism, human bondage and secession with 21st Century blessings like NASCAR, automatic weapons and the KFC Doubledown . Yee-fuckin-haw!  Happy 4th of July/Secession Remembrance Weekend!

KFC Joins Healthcare Debate

I'll take two.

Evidently, KFC was not content leading the culinary world in fast-food-bowl technology.  They now offer something for the carb-conscious fat-ass in all of us.

KFC is now offering a “sandwich” which consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken as a bun instead of bread.

According to Fox News, the “sandwich” is being test-marketed in only two areas so far, Rhode Island and Nebraska.

KFC’s competitors will not sit idly by while the Colonel corners the market on meat-bun treats.  Expect these products to soon be offered to obese Americans everywhere:

 McDonald’s Big Mac-Nugget:  Tired of using both hands to eat your Big Mac?  McDonald’s will take the sandwich, process it, and deep fry it with extra trans-fat!  Served with a BBQ, Honey Mustard, or extra Special Sauce for dipping.

Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twist Pork Rinds:  Calling all diabetics!  Get after it.

Hardee’s “Omaha” Burger:  1/2 pound burger between two chicken-fried steaks and topped with sausage gravy. Served with a side of maple syrup and a 1/2 ounce of self-respect.

Culver’s Fried Lard Curds:  Nature’s miscarriage.

Wendy’s TatoTurDucken:  The Red-Head takes her traditional bacon-cheese baked potato, stuffs it in a chicken, then a duck, then a turkey.  Deep fried and served with a pint of sour cream. Fork and knife optional.  Take it “to go” if no one is sitting in the passenger seat.