This Erin Andrews Thing Will Help Me Calibrate My Creepiness Level

Erin Andrews has been a favorite of mine for the last few years. I’m talking Top 5 Favorite and common attendee in my “photo album.”  Not only is she the typical hot, leggy blonde, but she can also talk “swing offense” with Bo Ryan. 

I know it’s not just me. I expect even Tebow would put down a Filipino orphan and unbuckle his chastity belt for a chance to bed her.

So I was very curious when I read someone videotaped naked Erin through her hotel room peephole in Omaha.  I took a couple deep breaths, and waited it out until I was only “semi”-curious. 

At this point, I have not searched this out on-line. Why? Well, while my phallic compass is pointing due north (towards viewing this tape), my moral compass has not allowed me to take a look.  I don’t judge people who seek out this video, but I can’t do it.  The only question that keeps running through my head is, “How would you come across on a hotel room hidden camera?”  The Answer? Creepy, skinny, slothful and stained.

Examples of things I’ve done while naked in hotel rooms: (1) air-guitar w/ headphones on; (2) eaten pasta with my hands; (3) blown my nose in a hand-towel; (4) watched the live Lotto numbers while holding my tickets; (5) passed out on the floor (bathroom + bedroom).  These are the PG examples.  Feel free to be inspired, Pixar. These are on the house.

The argument that she “brings this upon herself” because she is a sexy public figure is bullshit.  She is not posing for Playboy. She is not at some Omaha meth party with no underwear.  She is not out on the town, wearing a slutty dress when someone snaps a photo as one of her titties pops out.  She was not stupid enough to make a sex video with a guy who “promised not to show it to any of his friends.” 

Don't despair. I still admire you as the sideline-reporting professional you are.

 

Public figures deserve privacy in private areas such as hotel rooms. Maybe not Marion Berry’s hotel room, but certainly in private rooms where no illegal activity is occurring.

On a related note, reports yesterday indicated an ESPN employee is suspected of shooting this videotape. Let’s take a look at some usual suspects:

1.  Chris Berman:  This stale windbag has been referring to her as Erin “Go-Bra-Less” Andrews for the last couple days.  I cringe thinking of him “rumblin’ bumblin’ stumblin’ ” down the hotel hall after taking the video. Gross human.

2.  Dick Vitale: Dickie V always talks about how he has only one “good-eye.” That’s all you need for a peephole. “Are you serious?  That Ass is Awesome with a capital A!!” Fuck you, Vitale.

3.  Linda Cohn:  The female Sportscenter mainstay might resent Andrews. I don’t blame her, though. I heard menopause can be a rough time. Keep your chin up, Linda!

 

4.  Scott VanPelt:  Until now, the sensitive anchor had the best net-wide tape among the ESPN crowd (particularly after Berman had ESPN scrub the Web of his O’Reilly-esque tirade). Perhaps it was too much being known as the “painfully long, heartfelt voice-mail guy.”

 

5.  Stuart Scott:  Not the primary suspect only because I don’t think he could stay quiet for the couple minutes necessary to execute the covert taping. “Check out those cans! Boo-ya!” This dated asshead exudes creepiness. Stu, I know your contrived lingo is an attempt to come across as being from the bad-side of Bristol, but you’re as transparent as Rich Eisen’s soul.