I’m Glad Lance Armstrong Will Lose. Am I Pro-Cancer?

I couldn’t care less about cycling.  Like inappropriate groping, I feel it’s something better left to the Spanish and Italians.

But I tend to get queasy when Lance is in the news.  Lance likes (positive) attention and the media usually obliges him, whether he be riding a bike or diddling an Olson twin.  However, prepare for the cycler’s wrath if you dare question or criticize him.

Bill Gifford’s fantastic Slate article (Jerkstrong: How Lance Armstrong is like Sarah Palin.) illuminates the odd side of narcissistic, juiced up adulterer.  For those of you that don’t know, Armstrong recently returned to racing. The return was tumultuous to say the least:

Upon his return, Armstrong announced that he would subject himself to “the most advanced anti-doping program in the world,” a strict regimen of tests whose results would be posted online for all to see. Despite Armstrong having told reporters that “it’s under way,” the program was scrapped before it got started after being deemed too expensive and too complicated. Rather than trying to erase the significant, lingering doubts about his own ethics, Armstrong resorted to Twittering sarcastically whenever he got drug tested, as if he were being specially persecuted. In truth, he is not: Cycling has vastly increased its drug testing this year, and the sport is devoting more attention to higher-profile riders—not just the ones named Lance.

At the same time, he’s used cancer to help him avoid questions about the sketchy past and dubious sponsors of his own Astana team, at least one of whose members remains under serious suspicion of doping. When a well-respected Irish sportswriter, Paul Kimmage, questioned Armstrong’s support for convicted dopers Ivan Basso and Floyd Landis, he snarled, “I am here to fight this disease.” Armstrong then added, “You are not worth the chair you are sitting on.” (You can watch full video of the exchange here.)

I don’t dismiss the positive work Lance has done for cancer awareness and fund-raising. Similarly, I don’t dismiss the effect Sarah Palin has had on the bigoted, far-right fringe.  But is it really about cancer research? Or is it really about Lance? Gifford writes:

Lance actually shares a few traits with Sarah Palin. They both react to any criticism with extreme defensiveness. They demonize their enemies while at the same time cultivating nonstop melodramas that keep them in the news. And while they both periodically issue petulant threats to quit, you get the funny feeling that neither one is going away anytime soon.

This brings me to the Tour de France – Cycling’s month-long Super Bowl.  In anticipation of this grand event, Nike issued this weird ad, starring Lance. Here’s the essence of the ad (my comments in bold.):

Over somber piano music, we see black-and-white scenes of doctors at an operating table, cancer patients in hospital gowns, a bald man hooked up to a respirator, a man with one leg on a treadmill. All of this is intercut with scenes of Armstrong riding his bike. “The critics say I’m arrogant (you are),” Armstrong says. “A doper (yes). Washed up (almost). A fraud (certainly). That I couldn’t let it go (you haven’t).” Pause. “They can say whatever they want (I will). I’m not back on my bike for them.“

He’s a victim of his critics. Poor guy.

The ad also implies, disturbingly, that the cyclist’s “critics”—and that includes everyone who thinks he’s arrogant—are equivalent to cancer. It is apparently not enough for him to ride his bike and lead a positive campaign. He can’t help but go after his detractors at the same time. And you thought Sarah Palin was divisive.

Anyway, I’m not going to get into the x’s + o’s of cycling. Apparently, cyclers ride in teams and help eachother out with the wind-resistance and what-not. The likely winner, Alberto Contador, is a member of Lance’s team and widely regarded as the best cycler in the world. Will Lance have any choice but to share the spotlight?

When he was at the top of his game, Armstrong demanded total loyalty and subservience from his teammates. That’s not what Contador is getting from Lance. Take Monday’s stage of the Tour deFrance, when Armstrong ordered his teammates to ride hard on the front, leaving Contador behind. It worked, almost: The tactic not only showed Contador who is boss, but it nearly helped earn Armstrong another yellow jersey on Tuesday’s stage. If Armstrong had gotten the yellow—no matter that he stepped on his teammate’s back to get it—it would have marked a triumphal completion of his comeback, finishing the self-created narrative arc upon which every successful politician builds his career. In less than a year, he’s transformed himself from tabloid joke to cancer-conquering messiah. And if he does enter politics—after a year of fighting the press, demonizing enemies, and fending off personal scandal—at least he’ll be well-prepared.

Over the last week, Contador pulled away, almost ensuring victory. That makes me, Alberto, and presumably Cancer, very happy.

Lance is currently in 3rd (When will this godforsaken thing end? ). Will he be gracious in defeat? He gave us a preview when he grudgingly agreed to assist Contador:

“If we ride into Paris with the yellow jersey in the team, I’m cool with that,” Armstrong said. “I’ve got seven of them at home.”

Just in case you forgot.

There may be no “i” in “team,” but there is certainly a “lance” in “chemical imbalance.”