2009 One Last Time

You probably can’t wait to put the last godforsaken decade behind us.  I agree 100%.  However, before this happens, let’s give 2009 one more “courtesy flush.”

The one 2009 movie you should see: Food, Inc.

Movie franchise abomination that needs to be left in the godforsaken 2000’s: Transformers.

Most underappreciated television show: Breaking Bad.

Best trio of old-timey character actors on television: Harry Dean Stanton,

bad ass

Grace Zabriskie, Mary Kay Place, Big Love.

Best television channel I discovered: NFL’s Comcast RedZone.

Most disappointing television show: Bored to Death.  Schwartzman, Galifianakis and Danson? Should be amuzing. Snoozer.

Best Non-Fiction Book few people read: The Dead Hand, David Hoffman.

Local Food of the Year: The Brussel Sprout.

Worst Trend in Hair:  The black man-faux-hawk. First the Eurotrash. Then the gays. Now the African-Americans. Arabs, be careful. 

Best sports’ personnel moves I begrudgingly acknowledge:  Yankees throw huge $ at C.C., Burnett and Tex.  Paid off big time.

Favorite sports success: Young Blackhawks make run to Conference Finals. Look prime for years to come. 

Favorite sports failure:  Charlie Weis.

Finally…Quotes of 2009!!!

“I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. … When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway.” —Vice President Joe Biden, dispensing handy tips to protect against the swine flu and freaking us out, “Today Show” interview, April 30, 2009

“I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop.” — Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 79, who is producing a single with rapper Snoop Dogg.

“You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.” Jesse Ventura, during a CNN interview May 11.

“It’s almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground” –Terrell Owens.

“Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” —Rush Limbaugh, June 12, 2009

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you… Imma let you finish. But Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!” Kanye West, being an asshole.

“Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.” —a Twitter post by Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI), comparing the mass uprising of Iranians — utilizing Twitter as an organizing tool — to the GOP’s attempt to express dissatisfaction over Nancy Pelosi’s decision to adjourn Congress before an energy vote last year.

“What’s up London?” — Britney Spears addressing audience at her show in Manchester.

“We were aware the animal was unpredictable and it is being treated with pills for depression.” — Bernadette Chirac, wife of former French president Jacques Chirac who was mauled by his pet poodle Sumo.

“People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn’t have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless.” —a July 31 editorial in Investor’s Business Daily warning about end-of-life counseling in health care reform. Hawking, in fact, lives in England and has been treated by their National Health Service, which, by his own account, saved his life

“And of course, here you go. I still love her, but she’s retarded too.” Guy Ritchie on ex-wife Madonna to Esquire magazine.

“UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.” – President Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare, while simultaneously undercutting his own argument,

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” —Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford was president, April 28, 2009

During some playful banter between legendary New York broadcaster Ernie Anastos and weatherman Nick Gregory on FOX 8, the following exchange occurred:
Anastos: “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast.”
Gregory, looking confused: “I guess that’s me.”
Anastos: “Keep fucking that chicken.”
Co-anchor Dari Alexander: [eyes bug out of head] (Watch video)

“This president I think has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture….I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people, I’m saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist.” —Glenn Beck, on Obama, July 28, 2009

“The coach asked me if I knew how to get into a 3-point stance. I said, no, but I know how to steal a Buick Regal.” – Darnell Dockett, Cardinals defensive tackle, describing his troubled youth, Jan. 28.

“It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: ‘Sit down and shut up,’ but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out.” —Sarah Palin, quitting her job as governor, July 3, 2009

and my favorite quote of the year…

“Shout out to President Obama. How you doooooin? Oh, and shout out to all the people with athlete’s foot out there! I feel you!” –Wendy Williams, The Wendy Williams Show (via The AV Club)

Gratuitous Balls! Random Sports Thoughts

1.  Tim Tebow:  Regardless my feelings about this guy, there’s no doubt he’s one of the most beloved athletes in recent history.  Despite my eye-rolling at all the over-the-top attention he receives, he has been a good role model. He circumcises Filipino orphans, talks to prisoners, and pretty much embraces being a role model. His girlfriend has huge cans. But because of his status as a role model, I have to take him to task. 

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...especially motorboating"

The fact that he played against LSU on Oct. 10, 2 weeks after suffering a severe concussion, is incredibly irresponsible.  Recent reports have shown the longterm damage concussions cause, and the exponential increase in damage to the brain caused by Second Impact Syndrome: 

Second Impact Syndrome (SIS) consists of two events. Typically, it involves an athlete suffering post-concussive symptoms following a head injury.² If, within several weeks, the athlete returns to play and sustains a second head injury, diffuse cerebral swelling, brain herniation, and death can occur. SIS can occur with any two events involving head trauma.

I’m sure any parent who saw the 60 Minutes report on concussions will have second thoughts about letting their kid participate in youth football.  50+ kids die each year from sports-related head injuries, mostly from football. 

The point is:  you can’t pick and choose when to be a role model.  Tebow is sending the message that it’s ok to put your brain in jeopardy if it’s a really important game.  Shame on Tebow. Shame on Tebow’s uber-involved parents. And shame on Coach Urban Meyer and the UF Training Staff.

On another Tebow-related note, I’ve begun to wear “Eye Black” with Bible verses under my eyes.  Today’s passage? Leviticus 12:6, or “Levit” “12:6”:

‘When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering.

Now there’s a passage that will spice up the workplace conversation.

2.  Yankees v. Phillies?  That could be good.  I will say that the baseball in the postseason has been pretty bad – particularly the defense and umpiring.  But this potential series could be fantastic.  Phillies in 6.

3.  Cedric Benson:  Ced’s great 2009 season hasn’t stopped his pity-party.  From today’s Suntimes:

Benson blames the Bears for his time on the sideline…and accuses the organization of blackballing him.

”No doubt,” Benson said. ”I heard all the rumors that were said coming out of Chicago. Even the Bengals told me that they would call and inquire about me and get nothing but negative things.”

Such as?

”That I didn’t work hard, that I was, I guess, a prima donna, just wasn’t focused,” he said. ”Just anything negative that they could say was said. I’m sure that contributed largely to me not getting picked up right away.”

Chicago's fault.

So which part of this is untrue? The Bears gave you every chance to succeed. They got rid of Thomas Jones for you. They dealt with your hold out and apathetic attitude.  They dealt with your drinking, pot-smoking and arrests. And you still didn’t produce.

I can’t wait for Lance Briggs to light your ass up on Sunday.  You’re still a fucking scrub.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

4.  ESPN:  Bristol, CT must be a boring place.  Like clockwork, it seems like every 6 months some ESPN employee gets into a creepy sexual situation. 

all kinds of weird.

And not just “being hit on by a drunk, lazy-eyed co-worker.”  We’re talking creepy. Steve Phillips – you’re on!

According to the New York Post,Phillips had a brief fling with a fellow ESPN employee named Brooke Hundley this summer. He ended it rather quickly, which did not go over very well. She allegedly began harassing Phillips, his wife and even his teenage son—who she friended on Facebook by pretending to be a classmate, and then grilled him for personal information about the family.

The final straw came when Phillips’ wife arrived at her home to see a strange woman coming down her driveway and getting into a car (which she promptly smashed into a pole while trying to make a quick getaway.) The woman had left a very creepy letter in the front door, addressed to Phillips wife. The full original letter is available on the Post website [PDF], but here are some of the bullet points laid out by Hundley:

• She and Steve first slept together in a St. Louis hotel room, but he assured her that she wouldn’t get pregnant because of his vasectomy.
• How and she Steve love to text back and forth with detailed plans on how they would like to sex each other
• An uncomfortable amount of detail about the activities of her children
• How the Catholic Church will totally understand if the Phillips got a divorce, so that she and Steve can be together
• She’s 22 … but not stupid!
• A graphic description of Steve’s birthmarks (on his crotch and inner thigh), just to know she’s legit.

Somewhere Harold Reynolds is smiling.  And possibly masturbating.