Gratuitous Balls! 2010 MLB Preview

Did you google “gratuitous balls,” hoping to find an “upshort” shot of an overly tan 50-year old stretching himself on Coronado Island? Sorry, pal. We’re talking baseball. The Dominican pastime is back. Here’s GW’s 2010 MLB Preview:       

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL EAST       

1. Phillies: The Phils lost Cliff Lee, but added the MLB’s leader in wins, complete games, and shutouts over the last 8 years. And that was in the AL East. Barring a Halladay injury, such as a torn rotator cuff, or a lost eye caused by an errant (phriendly phire) battery thrown by a jackass Philly fan, the Phillies are the prohibitive NL favorite to reach their 3rd straight World Series.       

2. Marlins: I really like this team with the incredibly unlikable owner. 3 thru 6: Ramirez/Cantu/Uggla/Ross. Yes.       

3. Braves: Recently fired Chip Caray would’ve announced the shit out of the Braves’ decent slap-hitting line-up. “Swung on, belted…through the hole into left. Another single for Prado…” It’s been a long time, TBS. See you soon.       

Nationals' current 4-man rotation.

4. Mets: Only the Mets challenge the Cubs in the amounts of bad money they spend. Unfortunately, the Mets are in the better division. This team should hit better, but they may have more DL days than Runs Scored.       

5. Nationals: Strasburg: Prior or Sever? Kenny Powers? The Nats should be improved, but I can’t agree with the PECOTA projection of 82 Wins.  Despite some decent bats, this is an awful defensive team with a thin pitching staff.       

       

NL CENTRAL       

1. Cardinals: Like the first game after Tony LaRussa’s DUI, the opening day ‘Standing O’ for living-fraud Mark McGwire should be incredibly nauseating. The most pathetic fan-base in baseball will have a lot to cheer about until the next Cardinal player or coach hurts/kills himself or someone else in a drinking and driving accident. I’m putting it around the July 4th holiday.  As for the team on the field, I am not as sold a some others. Fortunately, they reside in a terrible division. Any injuries to the top-2 in the rotation means trouble. Also, if they’re expecting another amazing season from Ryan Franklin, I have a useless arch to hit you with.       

2. Cubs: The window might not be closed, but it’s certainly not open wide enough to clear out the stench of death. The team should score more runs, but will their pitching staff once again lead the NL in quality starts? I don’t know. Big Z is finally in shape and over his Venezuelan phobia of agua, so I’m expecting big things from him. But to expect Randy Welles and (an already injured) Ted Lilly to match their ’09 seasons is like expecting the vaguely offensive Fukudome souvenirs to disappear from Wrigley.       

3. Reds: Edinson Volquez is out until about the All-Star Break. Even so, this is a team with a real solid starting staff. However, they are managed my Dusty Baker (aka, “Throwing Arm Kryptonite”). As The Onion read, “Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman’s Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival.” At the end of the day, this is a team with an awful manager and (more importantly) a line-up that might have Willy Taveras and (Dusty favorite) Jerry Hairston Jr. hitting 1-2. Even in this division, that won’t cut it.       

Oh, Doug Davis...how Prince has missed you

4. Brewers:  With Fielder/Braun, the Crew will certainly score some runs. However, I keep reading how signing Randy Wolf + the Doug Davis-redux is going to improve a rotation with a real shaky 2 thru 5. Sorry Brewers fans, those signings do not make me tingle. In fact, backending Gallardo with Parra and Suppan (or Bush)? Dear God. That’s a terrible rotation. And I’m also assuming Trevor Hoffman’s arm doesn’t fall off at some point.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Prince puts up MVP numbers, but it will all be for nothing but to increase his FA value for a select couple of AL teams.      

5. Pirates: Baby steps. Will they break their streak of 17 straight losing season? No. Can they be better than a terrible Astros team? Sky’s the limit. And by sky, I mean “troposphere” – the 5th highest level of earth’s atmosphere.       

6. Astros: Is this the worst team in the NL? I don’t know. Does Roy Oswalt own a gigantic bulldozer?  New manager Brad Mills replaces the hated, yet overachieving Cecil Cooper.       

       

NL WEST       

1. Giants: I’m stepping out on this one. But after learning Tim Lincecum stuck to a pretty solid off-season weed regiment, everything seems to be lining up nicely for the Giants. Lincecum + Cain will be the NL’s best 1-2 punch at the top of the rotation (sorry, Cardinals fans. not really). Once GW favorite Freddy Sanchez returns from the DL, I expect (another GW favorite) manager Bruce Bochy to make a slightly-above-average lineup + solid bullpen work wonders for the Giants.       

2. Dodgers: Off-the-juice Manny wasn’t swinging quite so sweet after he came back from his ’09 suspension. I expect that to continue. While Kershaw + Billingsly are nice young arms, the strength is still in the bullpen with gigantic closer Jonathan Broxton. Expect the Dodgers to come in 2nd place – which is coincidentally the same place owner Frank McCourt should end up after his messy divorce proceedings.       

3. Rockies: This ranking is more a product of a pretty solid division. With Jeff Francis back, the Rockies’ staff could be very good, but I need to see Jiminez + DeLaRosa do it again. Also, I know Jim Tracy is supposed to be a solid manager, but if the weirdo is expecting Huston Street (sore shoulder) to put up another 35 for 37 saves, I’ll see him at Ted Haggard’s old Colorado Springs megachurch.       

4. Diamondbacks: Someday this potentially awesome line-up could potentially carry this team to a potential league title.       

5. Padres: Sell the goddamn team before you give away all your decent players to the fucking White Sox! Jesus Christo!       

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AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL EAST [Note: Off-season baseball coverage is so over-saturated with the AL East, GW only allows 4-word max previews for this division.]       

1. Yankees: OK, we get it.       

2. Rays: Back to algorithmic projections.       

3. Red Sox: Has to be someone.       

4. Orioles: Buy the young talent.       

5. Blue Jays: Blow.       

       

AL CENTRAL       

1. Twins: Someone has to be the tallest-midget in baseball’s worst division. The change for the Twins will be the need for them to slug it out. Good line-up, average-at-best pitching. However, if Liriano gets back to form, they’re the clear favorite.  RIP Metrodome – It was always a joy watching the White Sox self-destruct inside your sterile, out-dated dome.       

2. White Sox: Due to a real solid 1-4 in the rotation, I was ready to swallow my contempt and place the White Sox atop the division. Then I read that Mark Kotsay was going to be batting 3rd against RH pitching. Hilarious. Good luck, douchebags.       

3. Tigers: This line-up is about as old and crusty as Jim Leyland. There’s really not much to like, but then again, it is the AL Central. If they can get anything out of Bonderman or Dontrelle Willis, anything is possible.       

slugrrrr

4. Royals: Desperately looking for a counter-punch to reigning AL Cy Young Zach Greinke, the answer might be in-house:       

Sluggerrr the Lion — the mascot for the Kansas City Royals — is accused of poking a fan’s eye out with a steaming hot wiener during a Major League Baseball game last year … and now the team is being sued over it.      

It’s all in a lawsuit filed in Jackson County, Missouri in which John Coomer claims he was just chillin’ at a game on September 8, 2009 — when Slugger “climbed atop the third base dugout and started shooting hotdogs into the stands from an air gun.”      

Coomer claims Slugger eventually put the air gun down — and started firing off the wieners by hand … when, according to the suit, things went horribly wrong.      

In the docs, Coomer claims “Slugger lost control of his throw or was reckless with his throw, and threw the hotdog directly into the Plaintiff.”      

Coomer claims the dog hit him right in his left eye — leaving him with a detached retina and the development of cataracts.      

Coomer is now suing the Royals for more than $25k for negligence and battery — claiming they “failed to adequately train its agents … in the proper method in which to throw hotdogs into the stands at Kauffman Stadium.”       

Raw talent. Just work on that arm-slot.       

5. Indians: Well Cleveland, at least you have LeBron (until about the All-Star Break).       

AL WEST      

1. Angels: My favorite manager sometimes seems to do it with smoke and mirrors. They’ll miss Chone Figgins, but I like the addition of Matsui to the heart of the line-up. This division should be tight, so I’ll take Mike Scioscia.      

2. Mariners: The team had a fantastic off-season (Figgins, Cliff Lee) until…. If it wasn’t for the Milton Bradley-factor, they would be the odds-on favorite. Lee/King Felix could be the best 1/2 in the AL. But Milton has already got run from a couple of pre-season games. It’s just a matter of time before the anti-lesbian Mariners’ fans are labeled as racist, and above all, anti-Milton.      

3. Rangers: A steadily improving team, but keep an eye on Ron Washington’s coke habit. The 57-yr old manager apparently tested positive for cocaine last season, so be on the lookout for the following: (1) frequent, unneccessary trips to the mound; (2) Rambling press conferences hypothesizing on the effectiveness of Ian Kinsler’s shoelaces; and, (3) Catcher Jarrod Saltimacchia throwing up his hands in frustration after failing to understand the signals rapidly fired from the dugout by a chain-smoking Washington.      

4. A’s: Jokeland.      

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________      

Playoff Projections: 

NL Wild Card: Cubs      

AL Wild Card:  Rays   

NL Champs: Phillies – Chase Utley, I would love to meet you someday, it would be great to have a catch.     

AL Champs: Rays      

World Series Champs:  Other than Marlins’ fans, no one deserves a World Series Championship less than Rays’ fans. But I’ll take Joe Maddon in a 2008 rematch. Rays in 7.      

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________      

AWARDS:   

NL MVP:  Prince Fielder, Brewers – MashMashMash      

NL CY YOUNG: Carlos Zambrano, Cubs – Big Z has been in the top-5 for Cy Young voting on 3 occasions. The crazy bastard finally breaks through!      

AL MVP:  Joe Mauer, Twins – Contract drama over, I see no reason why Mauer shouldn’t repeat as AL MVP. The guy is doing things unheard of for a catcher.     

AL CY YOUNG: Felix Hernandez, Mariners – The best 2-pitch pitcher in baseball should dominate this season. Then he will best CC Sabathia in a torta-eating contest.     

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________     

Best Recent Baseball-Related Song:  The Felice Brothers, “Cooperstown”      

Best Off-Season Arrest: Gerald Laird & Family –    

Last month Tigers catcher Gerald Laird and his 22-year-old Yankees prospect brother Brandon Laird were arrested while attending a Phoenix Suns game, with initial reports describing their “loud behavior” and how “the Laird brothers allegedly assaulted the security guards” who tried to calm them down.    

Gerald Laird insisted afterward that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but now the Arizona Republic has some further details. Chief among them is that the entire incident started when the Laird brothers’ 70-year-old grandfather allegedly touched the wife of Celtics player Eddie House “inappropriately” while they were all in the arena’s “lounge” area.    

According to the police report Brandon Laird then “shouted derogatory remarks toward House and other women at the lounge before taking a swing at one of the women.” He was charged with suspicion of misdemeanor disorderly conduct, while Gerald Laird was booked on suspicion of misdemeanor assault for allegedly “striking a security guard in the head from behind during the brawl.”    

So, to recap: Just about everyone in the entire Laird family showed up to a Suns-Celtics game drunk and then made their way to an in-arena bar for some more drinking, Grandpa tried to get fresh with an NBA player’s wife, Brandon got angry and turned the harassment level up a few notches, and Gerald sucker-punched a security officer once things got out of hand. Awesome.    

Jeter, huh? i'd get tested...

Worst Off-Season Move: Brewers’ erecting statue to Bud Selig. Hopefully they will erect a gigantic syringe as well…along with a giant duffel bag containing giant unmarked bills.    

Hottest Off-Season Acquisition: Minka Kelly.   

Best non-Ron Washington Drug Story: Dock Ellis  

Worst Uniforms: Diamondbacks (D’Backs? C’mon). And what’s up with that awful dirty white? Looks like you soaked them in a coffee/bleach combo. You too, Padres. Bring back the old school poo-brown/bright yellow.    

Creepiest Manifestation of Over-the-top Narcissism: Alex Rodriguez:  

*shudder*

A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.  

“He was so vain,” his ex tells Us Weekly. “He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?”  

Adds the ex, “It was ridiculous.”  

Creepiest Manifestation of…Whatever The Hell is Going on Here: Sammy Sosa (see below):  

probably should've just gone with another minka kelly pic..

Enjoy the long long long season.

The Douchenozzles of 2009 – A Retrospective

It’s hard to follow-up a year like 2008.  After all, election years like that can bring out the douchenozzle in all of us.  But 2009 has no shortage of people we can’t stand – old friends and new assholes, all about to be ridiculed by some stranger in flannel pajama pants.

20. Rod “Green Balloons” Jetton: This Missouri State Rep. has a familiar M.O.:  Family Values GOP official who publicly chastises gays as sexual deviants and proclaims that consensual gay sex should be illegal. Will this man have his own issues, including a

Your new cellmate wants to play too!

random-ass “safe” word?  Of course.

Detective Bethany McDermott’s affidavit says Jetton went to the woman’s home around 9 p.m. Nov. 15 with two bottles of wine, which he allegedly opened alone in her kitchen. After drinking some of the wine and watching football, the statement said, the victim “began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times.”

The affidavit says Jetton and the alleged victim agreed on a safe word – “green balloons” – that could be used to stop sexual relations during the evening.

Instead, the affidavit says, Jetton hit her on the face and choked her before engaging in intercourse. Jetton allegedly said, “You should have said ‘green balloons,’ ” before leaving her home the next morning.

Jetton is rightly facing felony charges. So who’s the deviant, asshole?

If you’re in the Jefferson City area and looking to get down with some BDSM,  I’d steer clear of all Missouri GOP politicians.

19. Lance Armstrong: Let me count the ways. There may be no “I” in “team,” but there’s definitely a “lance” in “chemical imbalance.”

18. Jon & Kate Gosselin: These are my girlfriend’s docuhenozzles of the year, and who can blame her? Pay me. Watch me cry. Leave me alone. Pay me. We just want to be left alone. Watch me. Pay me. I don’t want the attention.  Shut the fuck up!

17. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger: I’ve had a lot to say about Mayor Daley, but I need to finish this list and Stroger is the easiest in-state target this side of a former Illinois governor. Pretty much any former governor.

This guy is so in over his head it’s hardly funny anymore.  He’s not even a good liar. And he calls himself a Chicago politician?  For shame.

16. Rumeal Robinson: Random, indeed. You may remember Rumeal as the University of Michigan guard who hit 2 free throws to beat Seton Hall in the 1989 NCAA championship game.  Or you more likely don’t remember him at all. Regardless, check out this story about Rumeal swindling his foster mother out of her house:

Ford, 65, is close to tears when she explains the day when a constable came to her door this past March and handed her an eviction notice — giving her one month to clear her home of her belongings and leave. Back in 2003, Robinson, now 43 years old and living in Florida, allegedly tricked his foster mother into signing over the deed to her own home — on a street named after him — and transferred the property to people unknown to her. They held the home as collateral in a suspected business transaction gone wrong.

In fairness, it is his street.

Ford’s attorney, Dennis Benzan, said he is seeking a civil suit against Robinson. But Benzan said Robinson has other legal troubles to deal with, separate from this case. Last month, the FBI arrested Robinson and charged him with conspiracy to commit bank fraud, bank bribery, false statement to a financial institution and wire fraud.’

Hail to the Douchebag.

 

Nozz

15. Jay Leno: Hey bud, congratulations on not rocking the boat for 20 years.  Let’s celebrate your inability to make people laugh by moving you to prime time.  Maybe some “fake headlines” and a Cameron Diaz interview?  Fantastic.

Weeknights at 9pm on NBC should be reserved for the Law & Order franchise.  For instance,  Law & Order: Maritime; Law & Order: Phil Spector Unit; Law & Order: Jersey Shore; and Law & Order: Tragic Staten Island Ferry Accident…or murder?

14. Max Baucus: This “public servant” has been under my skin the much of the year, truly proving the only ones that can let the dying Republican party back into power are Democrats like Baucus.  The Head of the Senate Finance Committee also happens to be one of the top recipients of health industry cash.  And who was drafting the Health Care Bill? Exactly.  Coincidentally, senior aide Liz Fowler, who reportedly drafted much of the Bill’s actual text, just happened to be Vice President of Public Policy and External Affairs for Wellpoint. You know Wellpoint, the insurance company whose stock just hit a 52-week high?  That one.  And in case your still wondering who Baucus answers to, his office sent K-Street copies of his Plan well-before a copy was sent to the White House.

And oh yeah, just in case nepotism was feeling overshadowed by corporate greed and conflict of interest, there was this little gem last month: Sen. Douchenoz nominated his girlfriend, Melodee Hanes, for Montana’s US Attorney position.

13. Brett Favre: This asshole just won’t go away.  After keeping the Green Bay Packers in limbo year-after-year while contemplating retirement, he went ahead and destroyed the New York Jets locker room (and season) last year.   Many thought this is the year the selfish fucker fades into retirement.  Not so lucky.  After hedging on whether to return for about 6 months, he joined the Minnesota Vikings (right at the end of training camp.)  While ESPN and others have spent 3 months in a constant Favre-gasm, cracks may beginning to show.  Despite being surrounded by arguably the most complete team in football, ’09 Favre could very well end up like most other Favre versions:  a playoff disappointment and an over-sensitive locker room cancer.

12. Betsy McCaughey: If you listen to the Right’s apocalyptic paranoia about providing health care to some of themselves and their countrymen, there’s a good chance it came from  Ms. McCaughey.  The “liberal” media seemingly couldn’t get enough of the “objective” health care expert, as they routinely gave her a platform to spread her bullshit, including the “death panel” fallacy.  Of course, rarely was it disclosed that McCaughey was a member of the board of directors of the Cantel Medical Corporation  – all the way back on August 20, 2009.

11. Former Governors Rod Blagojevich, Elliot Spitzer, and Governor Mark Sanford: From Blago’s old school graft, to the diddling by the other 2 hypocrites, these guys helped make 2009 the year of the scandalous governor.  I’ve Blago’d the hell out of this site, but want to let him know he’s not forgotten.  As for the other 2 moralizing fucks, I hope never to hear from you again. Unfortunately, Sanford’s appropriation of funds for inter-continental adultery didn’t get him canned or shame the devout Christian into resigning.  See you next year?

10. Pope “Joey Ratz” Benedict XVI: Reinforcing his “old-school” reputation as a bigoted fucker, Jesus’ German Shepherd started off this year with a bang, lifting the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier.

Warning: Do not look directly at picture.

The Vatican said Saturday that Benedict rehabilitated the four as part of his efforts to bring Lefebvre’s Society of St. Pius X back into the Vatican’s fold.

But the move came just days after one of the four, British Bishop Richard Williamson, was shown in a Swedish state TV interview saying that historical evidence “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

This Williamson guy also thinks the U.S. staged 9/11.  If there’s a genocide denier in the Church, there’s a good chance His Eminence will promote him.  Benny’s denial doesn’t end with mass murder.  Here’s exactly what the 200 million Catholics of sub-Saharan Africa needed to hear:

As he made his way to Africa on Tuesday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that condoms were not the way to fight HIV/AIDS. Speaking to reporters on his flight to Cameroon he said that they “increase the problem.”

Really, doctor?  Wearing a mitre does not prevent you from being a supreme asshole.  I wish clarity for you in 2010, but expect you to be back in the running next year.

9.  Milton Bradley: In the storied yet shameful history of the Chicago Cubs franchise, it’s really really difficult to stand out as an all-time failure. But kudos to you, Milton. Not only were you a huge disappointment on the field, but you managed to overshadow your horrid play with 6 months of petulant behavior.  Top it off with a baseless accusation that a bunch of 3 year-olds are racists, and what do you get? Fucking docuhenozzle.  Thank you, Seattle Mariners.

8. Sarah Palin: This country’s biggest fraud could certainly be higher on this list.  However, as is consistent with her pattern of behavior, she doesn’t hold public office anymore after quitting on the people of Alaska.  The country’s most socialist governor then proceeded to proclaim we’re descending into socialist hell, “write” a score-settling book, spread a bunch a lies among her blind followers, and generally talk out of her ass.   A solid follow-up to her super docuhey 2008 performance.  I’ll have more on her before the end of the year.

7. Kanye West: Check this out – I’ve never typed the following sentence:   Kelly Clarkson is right. This guy is a total asshole.  Also, it’s easier to put up with Kanye’s antics when he’s putting out good music.  That doesn’t happen anymore.

6. Dick & Liz Cheney: Fun Fact about one of Dick’s 5 Vietnam deferments:

“On Oct. 6, 1965, the Selective Service lifted its ban against drafting married men who had no children. Nine months and two days later, Mr. Cheney’s first daughter, Elizabeth, was born.”

Aw snap. This chickenhawk did everything he could to keep himself out of harm’s way.  But if it’s you or your child? Go fuck yourself.

After 8 years of virtual silence and hostility towards the press, Dick couldn’t get enough of the camera in 2009.  Of course, the pawns at Fox, Politico, and CNN, let Cheney accuse Obama of treason and revise history without any challenging follow-ups, apparently fearful he would steal their spleens with his magic cane.  Any of the following would’ve been welcomed…

• And who was in charge of National Security on 9/11/01?
• Greeted as liberators?  6 mos.?  Financed by Iraqi oil $, etc…?
• Speaking of ‘dithering,’ what’s up with letting Bin Laden escape at Tora Bora in 2001?
• Speaking of war profiteerring, you liquidated $30 mil in Haliburton stock options during the 2000 campaign, but you kept how much?
• You said Obama’s 6 mos. reassessment of Afghanistan constitutes “dithering.”  How would you describe the Afghan policy of the previous 7 years?

While the war criminal doesn’t really give a shit about this country, he certainly succeeded in raising a daughter he could believe in. Liz, a “birther,” was more camera-hungry than her father.  But like her old man, she used heaps of bullshit to defend her father’s record and certainly believes his administration made 0 mistakes in 8 years.  By the way, Liz has 5 kids to brainwash.  There’s no end in sight.

5. Benjamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, et al.: The Iranians talk hate out of their ass. Daydreaming about nukeing a nation that never invaded a foreign country gives Bibi a hard-on.  Will this end well?  Not with these assholes around.

4. The “Teabaggers”: Gratuitous World wants to be clear:  This site supports grassroots protesting, and in general, the political

excuze mi?

involvement of the American citizenry.  However, when these people put down their Palin signs and picked up their hilariously misspelled tea party placards, it was almost too much to handle. Hey Gratuitous World – what do you mean, these people? I mean the kind of people who lose their shit over having to press “1” for English. You know, Michelle Bachmann.

Obviously, the hypocrisy of these people who didn’t say shit about the destructive financial policies of Bush/Cheney, yet suddenly careabout “government spending” now that a strange black man is president is readily apparent.  But a couple things for these people:

• Socialism, Fascism, Communism, and Nazism are not all synonyms!  Turn down the radio and read a fucking book.
• Medicare is government-run.  Your sign doesn’t make any sense.
• It’s not really grassroots when you’re movement is being run by lobbyists like Dick Armey and being relentlessly promoted by the country’s most-watched cable news network.
• Your metaphor makes no sense.  The British law that eventually precipitated the Boston Tea Party was the Tea Act of 1773. One of the many inconsistencies of the wingnut tea bagging revolution is the unfortunate fact that the Tea Act was basically a corporate tax cut. As Cesca points out, ” the tea parties are emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut while also “going Galt” which is a protest against a corporate tax hike.  Adding… I think the Sons of Liberty, who boycotted corporate tea, would be flummoxed by the notion of the wingnuts tea baggers purchasing thousands of corporate tea bags.”

Finally, “teabagging” means to have a man insert his scrotum into another person’s mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion. You might want to check urbandictionary before naming your next movement something like “The Felchers.”

3. Ben Bernanke: Hopefully Z Systems will chime in on this one.  I was baffled when Time named Bernanke their “Man-of-the-Year.” Of course, if the magazine was still relevant, people might really care. Regardless, the Fed King helped us into a recession and was rewarded with another term.  Just one example of this man’s character is his ongoing dealings with AIG, where Bernanke, Geithner and the New York Fed, passed billions off ‘so that certain organizations’ can receive yet more payoffs through the back door of the Federal Reserve (no questions asked).

I guess when there’s no oversight or accountability you can be a big time Douchenozzle and no one will ever know.

2. Glenn Beck: All you really need to know about Beck is that he yearns live in another time. More specifically, 9/12/01.  You remember 9/12/01- when everyone was confused, overwhelmed by tragedy, and scared shitless. Ah, those were the days. And who’s going to fear-monger us back to this time? Mr. Beck. Since his move to Fox, Beck has turned on the crazy, tuned in the radical, and dropped out of reality.

He has called the president a racist. He has implied Obama’s policies will set you on fire. He “thinks” FEMA is going to round you up and put you in death camps. HE MAKES BILL O’REILLY SEEM REASONABLE (occasionally).

His abilities as a snake-oil salesman are unparalleled.  Who else would readily admit to incest fantasies just to sell books? But one thing is certain, Beck is here to stay – at least until he crashes into flames he lit.   But in 2009, no one is flying higher in conservative circles than Mr. Beck.  No one uses more Hitler-comparisons.  And no one can revise history and develop baseless conspiracy theories like Glenn. A douchenozzle of the 1st degree.

One more thing, Glenn.  You’re going to have to get me one of those jump suits.

 

 

 

D.N.O.T.Y!

1.  Texas Governor Rick Perry: As a patriotic American, I have a problem with any public official who advocates secession, even if it’s in the form of insincere pandering. Any student of the Civil War knows the tragedy this country has endured. That’s why I wipe my ass with the Confederate flag. But secession talk alone doesn’t make you this big of a bastard.

While I rarely mess with Texas, I just can’t put aside my contempt for this man. Not only does he support executing the mentally ill, but the innocent as well. That’s why this dead-eyed fuck is such a dirtbag. Nothing is more important to Rick than himself and his career.  I guess that’s a theme that runs throughout this list. I posted on this issue here and here, so if you want see the details of while I despise the slimy d-bag please go there.

Me? I’m spent from all the hating.

So Rick Perry – You did it bud.  You’re actually a bigger Douchenozzle than Glenn Beck. Congrats and see you in 2010!