Go Badgers!

Gratuitous Balls! 2010 College Football Preview

You’ve come to the 2nd Annual GW College Football Preview. I love CFB because it truly brings out some of the worst and most bizarre behavior in people. You really find out where people stand – like when your 50-year-old bachelor uncle paints his chest to support a school he never attended.  It’s like politics – but with a ball and fewer idiots (indeed). Last season’s preview can be found here. Enjoy.

‘Hot’ Discount

1. OREGON: GW is stepping out here. Former Ducks’ QB, 3-Strike Candidate and Heisman hopeful Jeremiah Masoli was kicked off the team and has perp-walked his way to Ole Miss. He may still get a Heisman, it will just have to be at Mississippi, or through a window at the Nokia Theatre Times Square.  However, if healthy, Nate Costa is an adequate back-up and is surrounded with a lot of weapons and a great O-Line. Their LB unit is also top-notch. With USC down, I see a window open for the Ducks to run the table (though I wouldn’t necessarily consider the Pac-10 “weak”).  They are a bona fide top-5 squad who will keep it interesting for both the Oregon fans and the Eugene Police Department.

2. BOISE STATE: This team pisses me off. They’ve built up enough street cred by kicking the shit out of their little sisters that they’re now considered on par with BCS teams who have to play in competitive conferences. Like Reagan turning ‘victory’ in Grenada into intense popular support, Boise State trumpets their 253-2 (or whatever) conference record as if they’re playing in the SEC.  If they can get past Va Tech opening weekend, they might be able to write their championship game ticket. It must be nice to play 3 challenging games a year. Fuck Idaho.

3.  ALABAMA: They lost some serious monsters on Defense, but this will be offset by the sheer power of the increased obnoxiousness set to emanate from the fans of the reigning NCAA champions. Dear God, you can already taste it. Fewer teeth means fewer impediments to block their cringe-worthy, unintelligible yokel screams.

4.  WISCONSIN: The Badgers are loaded on Offense.  Many of the Badger Faithful are loaded with cheese curds. Watch the seismic readings in the Great Lakes’ Region after 3rd Quarters at Camp Randall this season.

5.  OHIO STATE: On paper, Alabama and Ohio State are probably the best 2 teams in the nation. On illegibly written paper, they also have the 2 most townie-heavy fan bases. That aside, I just don’t think the schedule works out for them.  They’ll both end up with one loss, allowing BS(u) to back-door (literally and figuratively) both Alabama and OSU. The Buckeyes should have a punishing offense, making it a co-favorite in a very strong Big 10 .

6.  NEBRASKA: They lost the Nation’s best player in Ndamukong Suh, but remain loaded all over the field. They might end their stay in the Big XII with a conference title, and then leave the next morning like the cheap whores they are.

7. MIAMI: The ‘Canes are back, but their schedule is kickin.’  I believe it goes something like @ Ohio State, @ Pitt, Colts, Va. Tech, @ Vikings (Monday Night), v. Federal Maximum Security All-Stars (Neutral).

8.  TEXAS: After being thrown to the wolves 5 plays into the BCS title game, I thought back-up QB Garett Gilbert performed relatively well. He won’t be a problem, but it’s still difficult to replace Colt McCoy, the greatest name in football – until this guy.

9. FLORIDA: Debauchery will reign once again in Gainesville. Tim Tebow of Nazareth has left to back up the amazing Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn. Now many formerly inspired and hopeful co-eds are free to do with their intact hymens what they’re supposed to do – lose them at a frat “foam party” to a blacked-out, 6th-year Senior. By the way, the Gators will be fine and Urban Meyer is still an ego-maniacal douchebag.

10. IOWA: Adrian Clayborn is the best Defensive player in the nation. However, I’m worried about a very inexperienced O-Line protecting and an interception-prone QB.  Maybe Rick Santorum can call in a favor from the Big Homophobe Upstairs in exchange for some Iowa W’s and additional 2012 Caucus points.

ridden’

11. OKLAHOMA: QB Landry Jones should be in the running for 1st team All-Big XII. And judging by that mustache, he might be a front-runner to compete for the all-date rape team.

12. TCU: This is another mid-major team that is earning the respect of the masses. H/w, at least the WAC has some legit competition. However, this team has always bothered me, mostly because of their fans, whose over-smiley faces remind me of the characters in Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” Video.  Of course, if the “Texas Christians” lose, that means the terrorists have won. Look for the Terrorists to take on ACC#3 in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl.

13. VIRGINIA TECH: Virginia Tech might be done carrying the ACC for a while. Virginia Tech’s ranking in the 2011 edition of US News & World Report’s Best Colleges is 69 – which is ironically not allowed in on-campus housing.

14. PITT: Wanny Wanny, Ohhhh baby, New Years’ Bowl!

15. OREGON STATE: What’s up with the rampant criminal behavior in the state of Oregon’s football programs? This is the best arrest of the off-season.

An Oregon State University football player has been dismissed from the team following an arrest early Sunday morning.  Tyler Patrick Thomas, 19, of Kalispell, Mont., was arrested on charges of first-degree criminal trespass, second-degree criminal mischief and resisting arrest.

According to information from the Corvallis Police Department, at about 4:51 a.m., police were called to 519 N.W. 14th Street after a 32-year-old woman reported there was a naked man in the upstairs office of her residence. When officers arrived, they ordered him to get on the ground several times, but he refused.

Then Thomas, who had reportedly been drinking, got into a “three-point stance” and lunged at the officers, who Tased him. Thomas was booked into Benton County Jail but was released later the same day.  Thomas, an offensive lineman, redshirted the 2009 season for the Beavers.

16. NORTH CAROLINA: Butch Davis has brought a talented squad and possible sanctions back to UNC. Welcome back to big time college football.

"Mrs. Jo Pa? No?"

17. PENN STATE: Years ago, I was dangerously over-served while attending a Penn St. @ Illinois night game. We were sitting in the PSU section. I was later told I repeatedly yelled, “Joe Pa, I had sex with your wife!” While certainly disrespectful, it would’ve also been pretty gross if it was true.  I apologize.

18.  ARKANSAS: On 8/14, Hog Sports Radio Reporter Renee Gork asked Petrino a routine question. Petrino responded to the question, but ended by saying, “And that will be the last question I answer with that hat on.”  You see, Gork was wearing a “gasp” Florida Gators’ hat. Predictably, this instigated an overreaction only suitable for SEC Country, and Arkansas in particular. The hayseeds called Gork with death threats, and Gork’s employment was subsequently terminated. All for wearing a different school’s hat.

Now I don’t primarily blame Petrino for Gork losing her job. He will never be joined on a probably deserved “Wrongful Termination” suit, if she chooses that avenue. However, Petrino’s indignant and childish refusal to answer questions from Gork certainly rings a little hollow. On July 13, 2006, Petrino signed a 10-year, $25.6 million contract to keep his Louisville cap on as their head coach. 6 months later, he was apparently sick of his Louisville hat and left for a  $24 million/5 year deal with the Atlanta Falcons. Less than a year later, Petrino quits DURING his first NFL Regular Season, tossing the Falcons hat aside, and takes his carpetbagging-ass to Arkansas, where he apparently learned the virtues of loyalty and hat-wearing conformity.

QB Ryan Mallett is NFL-ready, but if you’re looking for (another) insufferable SEC Coach to root against, Petrino is right there for you.

19. USC: The pompous and insufferable USC athletic program replaces the pompous and insufferable Pete Carroll with the pompous and insufferable Lane Kiffin. Kiffin will end up clearing 7-figures, which is slightly more than his star players will receive.

20. CINCINNATI: Brian Kelly has left, allowing me to not hate Notre Dame once again. In his place, Butch Jones should still be able to put together enough pieces to make some hay in the Big East.

Now go get way-over-the-top excited for the athletic adventures of some 18-23 year old college kids!