I don’t know what’s more confounding – an ugly MNF game absolutely pasting fantastic post-season baseball, or the continued allure of the gonorrhea-promoting MTV reality hit.
Pauly D, sporting Colts' shirt and accompanying helmet.
Who am I kidding? I watched them both.
Rankings for the top 15 programs on cable networks as compiled by Nielsen for the week of Oct. 3-9. Day and start time (EDT) are in parentheses:
1. NFL Football: Indianapolis at Tampa Bay (Monday, 8:30 p.m.), ESPN, 8 million homes, 10.83 million viewers.
2. Major League Baseball Division Series: Detroit at N.Y. Yankees (Thursday, 8 p.m.), TBS, 7.15 million homes, 9.72 million viewers.
3. Major League Baseball Division Series: St. Louis at Philadelphia (Friday, 8:54 p.m.), TBS, 5.88 million homes, 8.38 million viewers.
4. Major League Baseball Division Series: N.Y. Yankees at Detroit (Tuesday, 8:30 p.m.), TBS, 5.23 million homes, 7.01 million viewers.
5. “Jersey Shore” (Thursday, 10 p.m.), MTV, 4.96 million homes, 6.59 million viewers.
6. Major League Baseball Division Series: N.Y. Yankees at Detroit (Monday, 9 p.m.), TBS, 4.46 million homes, 6.04 million viewers.
7. Major League Baseball Division Series: Philadelphia at St. Louis (Tuesday, 5:20 p.m.), TBS, 3.5 million homes, 4.61 million viewers.
8. Major League Baseball Division Series: Arizona at Milwaukee (Friday, 5 p.m.), TBS, 3.45 million homes, 4.59 million viewers.
9. Major League Baseball Division Series: Philadelphia at St. Louis (Wednesday, 6 p.m.), TBS, 3.4 million homes, 4.5 million viewers.
It’s that time of year again. That time of year when the dregs begin to come out of the shadows, pure evil armed and ready to bother the crap out of anyone who gets in their way. I’m not one for over-the-top exaggeration, but this may be the worst collection of people in America. Check that: the worst collection in the Western Hemisphere.
You’re wondering, “Who is he talking about?! I need to avoid these people.” Yes. You do.
Is it the American Taliban? No. The Teabaggers? Nope. The Real Housewives of Wherever? Not even close. Hollywood liberals? Not this year. One-legged Mormons? Um, no.
“WHO, THEN?!” I’ll tell you who – The 1972 Miami Dolphins.
For those readers who choose to be football ignorant, a little background: The 1972 Miami Dolphins are the only NFL team to complete a full season undefeated. (14-0 Regular Season, plus 3 playoff wins = 17-0.) Certainly, this is a great achievement. And like your uncle who scored 4 touchdowns in a 1963 high school game, they will never let you hear the end of it. To this day, whenever the last undefeated NFL team loses, these has-beens get together to pop champagne and reminisce about the glory days when linebackers ran 4.7 40-yard dashes and white running backs could actually start.
Perfection at its Worst.
My faintest memories of the ’72 Dolphins come from 1985. My beloved Chicago Bears were 12-0 and shufflin’ their way to the Super Bowl when they strolled into Miami for a Monday night game, a game where the Dolphins also happened to be honoring the ’72 squad. It was the Bears only loss that season. The has-been Dolphins were all over the sidelines, uncorking champagne and presumably annoying the shit out of Dan Marino.
In 2006, the Bears started off hot. They were rolling at 7-0 when the Dolphins came to town. Brian Griese was the Bears back-up QB. His father Bob was the QB of the ’72 Dolphins (and one of the NFL’s all-time most overrated QBs). Of course Bob will root for his son to have unmitigated success, right?
“I hope the Bears win the Super Bowl and lose one game along the way,” Griese said.
What a family! Well, Bob got his wish. The Bears lost to the Dolphins and ended up Super Bowl losers. Don’t worry Bob, you still get served first at Thanksgiving.
But the planet’s best opportunity to put these clowns permanently in the past came in 2007. The New England Patriots were the first team to complete a successful regular season since 1972. They finished 16-0 and rolled to the Super Bowl, where they played the underdog NY Giants. Over the course of that season, the ’72 Dolphins were invariably squirrely. Clearly they felt threatened by a team that would’ve wiped them off the field before Halftime. This may be best epitomized by asshat Mercury Morris:
Here’s some good advice: If you EVER see Mercury Morris on tv, grab the remote and just hit a button. Even if you end up on QVC, you’ll have saved yourself an ulcer. Unless, of course, Larry Csonka is in the QVC studio unintelligibly hawking old Dolphin memorabilia.
Well…the Patriots lost. But fear not America, there’s still hope…
Now it’s 2009. The Indianapolis Colts (14-0) and the New Orleans Saints (13-0) are threatening the record. They are both led by uber-skilled, likeable QBs, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees. Both teams are well-coached and have playmakers on both sides of the ball. The ’72 Dolphins should feel threatened. Sure enough, I turn on the NFL Network before last night’s Colts/Jaguars game. It’s Mercury, hyperventilating with doubts about the Saints’ experience and the Colts’ mental toughness. Bob Kuechenberg can’t be far behind.
You would think that men of that age would develop some grace, or at least some perspective. But not a chance.
So long to the Pistons’ Bad Boy teams and the early-1970s Oakland A’s squads. I’ll even give a pass to the knights at Medieval Times. There is no question, this is the most insufferable collection of athletes ever assembled.
The NFL playoffs are right around the corner. If you’re looking for a team to support, I implore you to root for an undefeated Saints or Colts squad. Let’s put these guys to rest and do it while they still have their (relative) faculties. It won’t be long before they’re incoherent bedwetters. Like Larry Csonka.
Gratuitous World 