All-American Basketball League Calls for All-White, American-Born Teams

 

Air-bino.

Bounce-Pass, Back Cut, Bounce-Pass, Left-hand lay-up. Showtime!

Move over ladies. There’s a new “WNBA” in town. And it promises to be just as enjoyable.

The All-American Basketball League announced in a news release it hopes to kick off its inaugural season this summer, according to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, with a 12-team lineup composed of all-white, American-born men.

“Only players that are natural-born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” the statement, issued on Martin Luther King weekend, reportedly read.

Don “Moose” Lewis, described as a Georgia-based boxing and wrestling promoter in a report on BET.com, denied racism was behind his move to create the segregated hoops league.

Of course not. Why do people always equate bigoted nativism to racism?!

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he told the Augusta Chronicle. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white American-born citizens [sic] are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

“Pass to the Center. Back to the Guard. Back to the Center. Set Shot. Goal In!!! And the Augusta Hooded Knights have defeated the Birmingham ShitKickers 42-41 in a cross-burner here at George Wallace Stadium.”

Lewis told the paper he defines “fundamental basketball” as different from the “street-ball” played by “people of color,” and claimed recent scandals in professional basketball — such as the gun charges dogging the Wizards‘ Gilbert Arenas — have made the creation of all-white teams a necessity.

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he told the paper. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

To get the stated result, all this guy really needs to do is prohibit the participation of Ron Artest. But instead of having “no-hand-gesture” or “no-dick-touching” rules, he’s just going to restrict access to the league like it’s a country club. Give these Southerners some credit. They’re not hiding in any Racist Closet.

The proposal was swiftly condemned by the mayor of Augusta, one of the 12 Southeastern cities the league is eyeing.

“I could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city,” Deke Copenhaver told the Augusta Chronicle.

I understand that the league already has 12 teams. I assume that includes 10 teams from the South, plus BYU and the current Indiana Pacers.

However, looking into the future – if anyone can get me some financing, I have a pretty stellar vision for an expansion team. Picture this collection of pale NBA journeymen and young honks who couldn’t get to the next level.

Your 2011/2012 Chicago Bloomington-Normal Crackers:

G – Damon Bailey: Indiana’s half-court hero will put people in the seats.

G – Steve Wojciechowski: Obligatory scrappy Pol.

The Schintz-nit

G – Tom Coverdale: Obligatory red-headed chucker.

C – Dwayne Schintzius: Obligatory mullet.

C/F – Evan Eschmeyer: Northwestern legend. 4-inch vertical. 

G/F – Tom Kleinschmidt: Another local boy (older man) makes triumphant return to amateur hoops.

G/F – Sam Jacobson:  Are Jews allowed? We’re going to need a ruling.

C – Aaron Gray: I know he’s “technically” on the Bulls, but he has the time and probably needs to stretch his legs.

G – Bobby Sura : Sorry buddy. I know you’re white, but you’re not “white.” Stop dunking so much. 

G – Gerry McNamara: Now that’s a name for the All-American Basketball Association.  This team will be gunning from downtown!

F – Joe Krabbenhoft:  Another great “American” name. Go Badgers.

F/C – Danny Schayes:  Unfortunately, Schayes was part of a promotional campaign put on by the Anti-Defamation League that depicts him slam dunking and says, “If you really believe in America, prejudice is foul play!” Sorry pal, no dunking, and certainly no promotion of tolerance.

C – Nick Smith: The former Illini player has an Adam’s Apple we can all get behind.

Player/Coach – Larry Krystkowiak: No truly white team is complete without an 80s Jazz or Bucks’ player.  Mark Eaton can assist.

I’m also waiting out Brian Cardinal’s NBA career. Nobody plays whiter. Nobody.

Our uniforms will be transcendent – shirtless with jean shorts. 

Any additional input/scouting is appreciated.  As for league promoter Don Lewis, I’ll give him credit for thinking outside the box. Mr. Lewis, here are some additional ideas you can run with. Free of charge!

Samoan Marathon

All-Blind Dart League

Asian NASCAR

Betty Ford Beer Pong

Yuppie Tractor Pull

mismatched demographic & sporting event, Etcetera.