Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD
Would love a porch swing.
Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition. But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the former UNC hoops star (and current “lost dog finder”) who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.
Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY III goes to: LUKE HARANGODY
That loose ball is all mine, homey!
2009’s Pre-Season college basketball player of the year has NBA Draft Second Round aficionados drooling. Harangody is a below-the-rim power forward who led the Fightin’ Irish to a spectacular NIT bid in 2008-09. The press rewarded Harangody’s gritty leadership of one last year’s top-96 teams with the premier individual honor of this pre-season.
There’s no doubt his Unitas-esque haircut and red-face helped Luke garner this honor.
Like Hansbrough before him, the faithful fans of Harangody’s team can’t get enough of him. His fire, passion, and 10-inch vertical thrill Notre Dame fans and ESPN announcers of all types. The guys may not all want to be him, but the St.Mary’s girls certainly want to sleep with him sans contraception.
Not surprisingly, Notre Dame’s roster is heavy with PASTEY competition. Most notably, Mississippi State transfer Ben Hansbrough (Tyler’s Brother) will look to get out-PASTEY’ed as the season moves forward. But on this day, GW is only honoring the under-sized PF with mettle, gritty toughness and librarian-like athleticism. Luke Harangody: Congrats!
Whiteness: Blanched, with a tinge of post-game “Santa Cheeks.”
Nicknames: Gody, G.T. (Gym Teacher)
Quote: ”The pro guys are wrong. Harangody hasn’t just been a good college player the last three years. He has been an absolutely dominant force while playing for mediocre teams in what is by far the toughest conference in the country.” Seth Davis, Sports Illustrated.
1. Tim Tebow: Regardless my feelings about this guy, there’s no doubt he’s one of the most beloved athletes in recent history. Despite my eye-rolling at all the over-the-top attention he receives, he has been a good role model. He circumcises Filipino orphans, talks to prisoners, and pretty much embraces being a role model. His girlfriend has huge cans. But because of his status as a role model, I have to take him to task.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...especially motorboating"
The fact that he played against LSU on Oct. 10, 2 weeks after suffering a severe concussion, is incredibly irresponsible. Recent reports have shown the longterm damage concussions cause, and the exponential increase in damage to the brain caused by Second Impact Syndrome:
Second Impact Syndrome (SIS) consists of two events. Typically, it involves an athlete suffering post-concussive symptoms following a head injury.2 If, within several weeks, the athlete returns to play and sustains a second head injury, diffuse cerebral swelling, brain herniation, and death can occur. SIS can occur with any two events involving head trauma.
I’m sure any parent who saw the 60 Minutes report on concussions will have second thoughts about letting their kid participate in youth football. 50+ kids die each year from sports-related head injuries, mostly from football.
The point is: you can’t pick and choose when to be a role model. Tebow is sending the message that it’s ok to put your brain in jeopardy if it’s a really important game. Shame on Tebow. Shame on Tebow’s uber-involved parents. And shame on Coach Urban Meyer and the UF Training Staff.
On another Tebow-related note, I’ve begun to wear “Eye Black” with Bible verses under my eyes. Today’s passage? Leviticus 12:6, or “Levit” “12:6″:
‘When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering.
Now there’s a passage that will spice up the workplace conversation.
2. Yankees v. Phillies? That could be good. I will say that the baseball in the postseason has been pretty bad – particularly the defense and umpiring. But this potential series could be fantastic. Phillies in 6.
3. Cedric Benson: Ced’s great 2009 season hasn’t stopped his pity-party. From today’s Suntimes:
Benson blames the Bears for his time on the sideline…and accuses the organization of blackballing him.
”No doubt,” Benson said. ”I heard all the rumors that were said coming out of Chicago. Even the Bengals told me that they would call and inquire about me and get nothing but negative things.”
Such as?
”That I didn’t work hard, that I was, I guess, a prima donna, just wasn’t focused,” he said. ”Just anything negative that they could say was said. I’m sure that contributed largely to me not getting picked up right away.”
Chicago's fault.
So which part of this is untrue? The Bears gave you every chance to succeed. They got rid of Thomas Jones for you. They dealt with your hold out and apathetic attitude. They dealt with your drinking, pot-smoking and arrests. And you still didn’t produce.
I can’t wait for Lance Briggs to light your ass up on Sunday. You’re still a fucking scrub.
4. ESPN: Bristol, CT must be a boring place. Like clockwork, it seems like every 6 months some ESPN employee gets into a creepy sexual situation.
all kinds of weird.
And not just “being hit on by a drunk, lazy-eyed co-worker.” We’re talking creepy. Steve Phillips – you’re on!
According to the New York Post,Phillips had a brief fling with a fellow ESPN employee named Brooke Hundley this summer. He ended it rather quickly, which did not go over very well. She allegedly began harassing Phillips, his wife and even his teenage son—who she friended on Facebook by pretending to be a classmate, and then grilled him for personal information about the family.
The final straw came when Phillips’ wife arrived at her home to see a strange woman coming down her driveway and getting into a car (which she promptly smashed into a pole while trying to make a quick getaway.) The woman had left a very creepy letter in the front door, addressed to Phillips wife. The full original letter is available on the Post website [PDF], but here are some of the bullet points laid out by Hundley:
• She and Steve first slept together in a St. Louis hotel room, but he assured her that she wouldn’t get pregnant because of his vasectomy.
• How and she Steve love to text back and forth with detailed plans on how they would like to sex each other
• An uncomfortable amount of detail about the activities of her children
• How the Catholic Church will totally understand if the Phillips got a divorce, so that she and Steve can be together
• She’s 22 … but not stupid!
• A graphic description of Steve’s birthmarks (on his crotch and inner thigh), just to know she’s legit.
Somewhere Harold Reynolds is smiling. And possibly masturbating.
I was all set to post a defense of Rush Limbaugh’s attempt to purchase the St. Louis Rams. And on that issue alone, I stand by that. After all, this is America. If Rush wants to own a team, it’s his right to put forth an offer or be part of an ownership group. Similarly, Rush has the right to spew from his pulpit as long as there are enough ignorant bigots that want his hate-filled ideology spoon-fed to them.
While ironic, the fact that an unapologetic racist wants to own a team in a sport that’s 70% black fits into Rush’s whole self-loathing pathology. Good for him.
But Jesus Christ, his “woe is me, i’m so oppressed, liberals conspired against me…” sour grapes routine, following being dropped from the ownership group is comically childish.
When he’s not being a culture warrior, Rush extols the virtues of unbridled, free-market capitalism. Of course, he has reaped the benefits of American corporatism and capitalism for years. While despising every fiber of his disgusting being, I don’t begrudge him his success. After all, it’s America…
However, the fact that Dave Checketts dropped Rush from the purchasing group is purely capitalist. Purely American.
A few points first: I don’t think that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Colts owner Jim Irsay needed to go public with their “airing of grievances” regarding the prospects of a Limbaugh ownership group. (Goodell said Limbaugh had made “polarizing” comments and Irsay vowed to vote against him.)
But isn’t this America? If Limbaugh can equate liberals to terrorists and equate the president to Hitler, what’s wrong with these guys (and many players) expressing their reservations about Limbaugh being part of the NFL.
Irsay has a business to protect. If he thinks Rush is bad for the NFL, that means Rush is bad for his team – his business. He should vote against him. And regardless what Rush says, it’s not baseless speculation. If Rush purchased the Bears from the sleep-walking McCaskey family, I would cease to be a Bears fan and subsequently be much less engaged in the NFL. For instance, through Week 5 of the NFL season, I have attended one Bears’ game and watched every minute of the rest on TV. There’s no liberal witch-hunt by the NFL. It’s pure business.
Rush has made millions as a conservative shock-jock. He thrives on
Favre likes you.
polarization. Polarizing forces are not good for the NFL . After all, they already have destructive assholes like Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder. Thus, from a business standpoint, Checketts + co. did the right thing by dropping Limbaugh from their prospective ownership group. As Checketts said:
“It has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a complication and a distraction to our intentions; endangering our bid to keep the team in St. Louis,” Checketts said. “As such, we have decided to move forward without him and hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion.”
Rush’s response:
“This is not about the NFL, it’s not about the St. Louis Rams, it’s not about me,” Limbaugh said. “This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country, wherever you find them, in the media, the Democrat Party, or wherever, to destroy conservatism, to prevent the mainstreaming of anyone who is prominent as a conservative.
“Therefore, this is about the future of the United States of America and what kind of country we’re going to have.”
What happened to personal responsibility, Rush? Like Falwell and Robertson blaming gays and liberals for 9/11, Limbaugh can’t resist interpreting his rejection as a historic victimization at the hands of evil lefties.
And you really don’t understand why they dropped you?
Major League Baseball hasn’t narrowed the list of the eight bidders seeking to buy the Washington Nationals and some Republicans on Capitol Hill already are hinting at revoking the league’s antitrust exemption if billionaire financier George Soros , an ardent critic of President Bush and supporter of liberal causes, buys the team.
“It’s not necessarily smart business sense to have anybody who is so polarizing in the political world,” Rep. John E. Sweeney (R-N.Y.) said. “That goes for anybody, but especially as it relates to Major League Baseball because it’s one of the few businesses that get incredibly special treatment from Congress and the federal government.”
I can’t beliiiieeeve a government official would try to interfere with this. I mean, in America??
This is not about the NFL. This is not about the Rams. It’s not about liberals. It’s about an occasion on which the free market failed Rush Limbaugh. Instead of living with the consequences of his chosen path, profession, and own words, he wants to blame someone else, and go kicking and screaming all the way home until he pops an Oxy, lights a cigar with a hundo, turns on a gay porn, and falls asleep on a bed of cash.
Congratulations, Chicago. You won in spite of yourself. And it only cost $100 million for the losing Olympic bid. Bless you. But can we stop the ridiculous storyline that Oprah, Obama, or Ronnie Woo-Woo had anything to do with it? The fact is, the bid was bad. The fact is that the IOC has long been in a financial power struggle with the USOC. And the fact is the IOC goes where they can make the most coin.
Nothing Wrong With This.
Above all, however, is the fact that the city just wasn’t into it. While conservative media derided Chicago as this bastion of sin and corruption, other Americans wanted the Olympics to come to Chicago (84%) way more than Chicagoans themselves. Recent WGN/Chicago Tribune polls put local support for the Olympics bid at around 50%. The 3 other potential host cities had public support in the 70%-80% range. The politicians and business elite did not represent the will of the people. What a surprise.
The reveling of conservative media in Chicago’s defeat was far from surprising. Not long ago, Glenn Beck was extolling the success of Salt Lake City’s Winter Games as evidence of Mitt Romney’s presidential qualifications. Now? The gate-keepers of patriotism have decided the failure of the IOC to award Chicago the Olympics is evidence of Obama’s failed foreign policy. Would it be wrong to characterize this elation as “Anti-American?” Maybe. It’s at least a Silver Medal in the sport of Logical Gymnastics.
But alas, there will be no Michael Phelps finger-banging some DePaul student of the Le Passage dance floor. No Canadian softball player enjoying an Al’s Beef. No 12-year old Chinese gymnasts being ogled by weird middle-age men from Rockford. We could’ve had it all! Not a working contract for the CPD. Not smaller class sizes and better paid teachers for the CPS. Not a 21st Century CTA. But a 2-week athletic event-money pit we could’ve been paying off for the next 30 years. Ah, what a shame.
In a historic vote that could transform Chicago or saddle future generations with Olympic debt, the City Council on Wednesday authorized Mayor Daley to sign a host city contract that amounts to an unlimited guarantee from Chicago taxpayers.
The 49-to-0 vote sends a message loud and clear to International Olympic Committee members — one of whom was in the City Council chambers: Chicago may have hesitated to sign on the dotted line. But, there’s no hesitation anymore.
The Mayor is famous at getting the City Council to bend to his will. If someone votes against him and angers His Majesty, come next election, this council person will get primaried and rolled by the Daley machine.
However, yesterday the Mayor had a moment of benevolence:
“Vote your conscience. If you firmly believe and you have the courage, you vote no … Be not afraid of the stand you’ve taken before in a committee or on the floor,” he said, refusing to name names.
Great guy, the Mayor. Putting personal vendettas and political games aside for the benefit of the city. Certainly, the consciences of these 49 diverse council members should come to distinct conclusions on a complex issue such as this, right?
49-0.
Ald. Freddrenna Lyle (6th) acknowledged that Wednesday’s vote was a leap of faith. But, she said, “Fear can’t paralyze you. Fear of the unseen cannot stop you from taking risk.”
Why be scared at all, Ms. Lyle? There’s nothing scary about gambling with other peoples’ money. Rest easy, children. Nothing is fucked.
If Chicago wins the Olympic sweepstakes Oct. 2 and the 2016 Summer Games are a financial disaster, taxpayers would be left holding the bag.
Daley and Ryan insist that won’t happen.
They claim Olympic organizers would literally have to blow through $2.4 billion worth of surpluses, private insurance and previously approved city and state guarantees before Chicago taxpayers would be left standing alone.
“This is very, very well protected. We have every catastrophe covered,” Ryan said.
$2.4 billion? That’s a long weekend for this city. These Powerful Men must really want to see some ‘roided-up freaks run around in a circle. I have a feeling we won’t be able to charge this to the Underhills.
With the exception of NASCAR and anything Boston-related, nothing brings out the “asshole” in sports fans quite like college football. Here we go:
1. TEXAS: Until the Texas GOP gets its wish to secede from America, Austin will still be one of this country’s great cities, and the Longhorns will be one of America’s best college football teams. A potent offense will score a ton of points. The cheerleaders will have very white teeth. And a garbage non-conference schedule should help UT get to the BCS title game.
2. FLORIDA: If Jesus had an awkward, slow release, he could call himself Tim Tebow. While Tebow’s hype is surely overblown, this team is prime. Their defense is downright scary – on and off the field. Prediction? 13-1, 4 felonies, 7 misdemeanors.
3. OKLAHOMA: They lost a lot of players on the offensive side of the ball, but still have the NCAA’s best quarterback. Also, Gerald McCoy is a monster DT who can dominate a game like Tommie Harris does (2 games a year). The Garfunkel of the BCS should be back in the mix again.
4. OLE MISS: Before Steve Spurrier was a pussy, he was right. Tebow is not the SEC’s best QB. Jevan Snead has NFL written all over him. And Mississippians are pumped. Who needs a good public school system when you have college football? They get Alabama at home this year in a much anticipated battle to see whose fans speak the most unintelligible English.
"O"bnoxious
5. OHIO STATE: Let’s be honest. Yet again, the Big 10 is a shell of itself . However, the Buckeyes should be good enough to get embarrassed in January. Prediction? #5 in football. #1 in meathead-to-tolerable fan-ratio.
6. USC: This may be the year the Trojans struggle. Lots of new players + tougher schedule: @Ohio State, @ Cal, @Oregon. However, I’m not sure if I’m buying it. They were the best team in football at the end of last season. Matt Barkley or Aaron Corp will be the next SC quarterback to develop NFL-talent and a scorching case of herpes.
7. OREGON: New coach. Same awful uniforms. If the Ducks can stop someone, they’ll be dangerous. Fantastic RB LaGarette Blount was suspended in the winter for “failure to fulfill team obligations,” like missing his turn to bring the orange wedges + juice boxes to practice, and making a pass at teammate Andre Crenshaw’s mother.
breaking hearts.
8. ALABAMA: Successful carpetbagging-asshole Nick Saban should have a kick-ass defense, although the Mormon Utes had no problems solving the vaunted SEC squad in the Sugar Bowl. Julio Jones? He’s good. Alabama gets $1.66 in federal dollars for every $1 it pays in federal income tax. 90% of this is spent on Alabama football. Roll Tide.
9. VIRGINIA TECH: Good team, average conference, sweet gimmicks. Virginia Tech has a great defense, but will be limited by over-hyped QB Tyrod Taylor. Pre-Season Award Season: Coach Frank Beamer wins the award for Coach who most resembles his school’s mascot.
Gobble
Gobble
10. OKLAHOMA STATE: Consummate douchebag Mike Gundy has not found a local reporter to scapegoat this season, but has found a real good offense. Zac Robinson to Dez Bryant. A lot.
11. PENN STATE: Despite the sleepy 1st half against USC, Penn State’s 2008 squad was its best team in awhile. 2009 should be good as well. With a strong supply of linebackers and “Oops-i-crapped-my-pants,” Joe Pa should be able to stay on the sidelines and in the Big 10 race.
12. LSU: Les Miles had a down year, but he’s a solid coach. In a conference that has dominant defenses and some overrated offensive squads, LSU and RB Charles Scott should put up some points. Weakness? They seem to be lacking an impact Cajun. I may be wrong.
13. FLORIDA STATE: Dabgummit, Seminoles should win a lot of games they won’t forfeit for at least a couple years. Preseason Award Season: Most annoying fight-song: #2 = FSU (#1 = USC)
14. BOISE STATE: With the exception of Ron Paul cutting the ribbon on a new Twin Falls’ strip mall, nothing excites the state of Idaho quite like Boise State football. The team only plays a couple real teams all season, but that doesn’t keep the potato-eating fuckers from convincing themselves they’re a top-tier team deserving of a mandatory BCS bid. Nothing much should change this year.
UGA-licious...
15: GEORGIA: Always hyped, talented, and ultimately disappointing, the Bulldogs of 2009 promise much of the same. The girls of Athens, however, are appropriately hyped, and very very talented. mmmmmmm…
16. GEORGIA TECH: Compared to their instate rivals, the coeds are less talented, yet the running back is much more promising. Jonathan Dwyer could get close to 2,000 yards if things break his way. If their front-7 comes to play, these nerds may get the better of the “cooler” Bulldogs on November 28th. Go Nerds! No On 15!
17. MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans and their homoerotic mascot should be one of the Big 10’s few bright spots this season. Look for them to put a slight dent in the insufferable Irish coverage by handing Notre Dame its first loss on Sept. 19.
18. CAL: They have a bad QB, but do have my favorite player in college football – RB Jahvid Best. I’m sure you’re happy for me. Cal’s athletic department is lucky. Even the Berkeley hippies like Best enough to get out of their trees and let the school build a goddamn practice facility.
19. UTAH: Utah football may be the least strange thing about the state. If they can find a QB, the nation may end up paying attention to them at some point.
20. CINCINNATI: Someone has to be the “tallest midget” in the Big East. This year it should be the Bearcats. Like the Queen City’s racist cops, this team can punish the opposition on offense.
Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD
Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition. But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.
Pacer.
Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY II goes to:
WES WELKER!!!
Hailing from the pastey-friendly state of Oklahoma, this hard-nosed wide receiver catches lots of passes and withstands considerable punishment for the New England Patriots.
Among other great achievements for white wide receivers, Welker is one of only two players in NFL history to ever have converted a field goal, converted an extra point, recorded a tackle, and fielded a punt and kickoff return all in the same game. If that sounds like an arbitrary distinction to you, kiss my white ass.
Welker’s game benefits from his perseverance – he was only offered
Snowy.
one scholarship and not drafted when he came out in ‘04. It’s possible that playing with one of the NFL’s all-time best QBs may help as well. Anything is possible. Now Wes is often mentioned as among the game’s best receivers.
So Congrats, Wes. This PASTEY is for you.
Whiteness: Chalk.
Facial Hair: Amorphous.
Quote: “After making a first impression so strong he received one of the team’s awards for dedication to the off-season conditioning program, Welker has endeared himself to coach Bill Belichick with a scrappy toughness in the live situations. He has made highlight films with crack-back blocks in the running game. This is how one fits into the Patriots’ culture.” Jarrett Bell, USA Today.
Rick Pitino is a really good basketball coach. He is a great recruiter and real solid game coach. He is also an ego-maniacal asshole. This week brought us a rather creepy tale of the greaseball’s philandering:
The woman accused of trying to extort Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino approached him in a restaurant six years ago, and the two had sex later that night, the coach told police. Two weeks after they met, the married father of five gave her $3,000 after she said she needed an abortion and didn’t have health insurance.
Pitino told police he had been drinking at the restaurant and had consensual sex with Karen Sypher in August 2003 at a table near the bar. The police report said the 56-year-old coach denied Sypher’s allegations that he raped her after the restaurant closed and at another time somewhere else.
The university’s president expressed surprise at new details in the scandal surrounding the coach, whose contract includes dishonesty and “moral depravity” as grounds for firing.
There is a vocal pro-fetus community in Kentucky, which helped prompt Pitino to subsequently deny the $3,000 was for an abortion. Sure. However, it doesn’t really matter. Pitino wins too many games to get fired over this.
Pitino issued an apology yesterday.
There’s two things besides my apology to the university, most in particular Tom Jurich and Dr. Ramsey, who have been very strong with me throughout this period. My extended family, which is all the fans. You know, I came here during a very difficult time, when 9/11 hit, you needed a community to get you over it. In New York City, it was easy, because everybody knew the devastation of that and they got each other over it.
In Louisville, the impact obviously wasn’t felt like New York City but I needed this community to help me get over it. And the university officials, my friends and loved ones helped me get through this difficult time. I will continue to cooperate with the authorities as I have with day one. I believe in the judicial system and I will not comment on that. I hope that the trial comes quickly and we can do what all of you should have been doing during this time, is celebrating a Big East Championship, a wonderful season where we once again finished in the Elite Eight, with very dedicated players who paid the price to reach that pinnacle.
"40 minutes of Hell" becomes "40 seconds, don't tell."
Pitino is so slick he can transition from mourning 9/11 to listing his team’s achievements in the matter of seconds. I don’t deny 9/11 impacted Pitino. Apparently, his brother-in-law died in the attack. However, to invoke a national tragedy in comparison to the exposure of his adultery is insulting and asinine.
Also, if anyone knows any other restaurants Pitino frequents, please do your public service and disclose said establishment. I’m contemplating a 6-month moratorium on dining in any Italian restaurants. Pitino has range.
I’m a huge Cubs fan. I’m also a huge Cubs fan that despises a lot of the “fans” that show up to Wrigley Field on a typical evening. Case in point, this tool (above) took it upon himself to pour his $8 beer on Phillies’ CF Shane Victorino during last night’s Phillies’ rout.
Wrigley security ejected the wrong guy – the guy on the right who looks like the fat, asthmatic chipmunk. However, today the Cubs and Victorino filed a report with the Chicago Police Department. The CPD is now looking for this douchenozzle, and hopefully he’s found.
The bleachers at Wrigley can be a great place to watch a game. Lately, not so much. I thought bleacher d-bags were losing interest in the recent tradition of tossing trash on the field after a bad call or tough break late in a game. This invariably results in a 15-minute delay where the grounds crew has to come clear the warning track of garbage. And oh yeah, trash that was not tossed during the initial tantrum then gets thrown at the ground crew. Class all-around.
This douchenozzle maintains this tradition. To paraphrase WSCR host Dan Bernstein, you know you’re an asshole when the guy in the blue Fukudome-headband is giving you the “what-the-fuck?!” look. And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but while we’re on the subject, what’s up with adult white guys wearing slightly-off-center caps? Wipe that stupid grin off your face. You look like a fucking asshole.
Anyone who knows this douchenozzle, please let him know he’s a fucker. Then call the cops.
This is what happens when you try hard to impress your Coach/Father Figure. Remember kids, never ever hustle. It will only end in painful disappointment.
Ex-Bear + punt-fumbler Bobby Wade had something to say this morning:
Bobby Wade was always an outspoken player when he was in a Bears uniform.
The wide receiver, who has been with the Minnesota Vikings for the last two seasons, remains that way today. He still has guys he considers friends in the Bears locker room, and he was roommates with linebacker Lance Briggs in college at Arizona and while they were with the Bears.
He’s probably caught their attention now. Probably not in a good way. Pro Football Talk reported that Wade spouted off about his former team and its new quarterback in a big way this morning on KFANin Minneapolis when visiting with host Paul Allen, who happens to be the play-by-play voice of the Vikings. According to Wade, he was recently in Las Vegas with middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. It’s what Wade says that came out of the mouth of Urlacher that is surprising.
“Jay Cutler is a good player,” Wade said. “Obviously, it’s a much different environment from going from Denver to play in Chicago. Chicago is a tough club to play for. What is so funny, I actually saw Brian Urlacher this past weekend in Las Vegas and we had a long conversation.
“I don’t want to get him in trouble, but it wasn’t what [the Bears] expected. Pretty much [Urlacher] said Jay Cutler was a [deleted](PUSSY) for the most part.”
That sent the radio show up in a roar and the word Wade used was deleted on the air by using what is known as a dump button. The entire conversation is on the podcast, however.
“Like I said,” Wade continued, “That’s tough if you have a little bit of that going on, it’s just not acceptable.”
Go ahead and circle the Bears’ trip to the Metrodome on Nov. 28. There might be a few people looking for Wade.
Wade says “Pretty much [Urlacher] said Jay Cutler was a pussy for the most part.”
First of all, either he called him a “pussy,” or he didn’t. Clarify that.
Second, Urlacher should stay out of Vegas. Over/Under on the next paternity suit? 11 months.
Third, Really? Bobby Wade? 7 receiving TDs in 7 years. Clearly, he’s no Justin Gage. Good luck with Tavaris Rosenfels.
Still, this distraction will be much more palatable than anything involving Orton/Grossman. Ortman?
I couldn’t care less about cycling. Like inappropriate groping, I feel it’s something better left to the Spanish and Italians.
But I tend to get queasy when Lance is in the news. Lance likes (positive) attention and the media usually obliges him, whether he be riding a bike or diddling an Olson twin. However, prepare for the cycler’s wrath if you dare question or criticize him.
Bill Gifford’s fantastic Slate article (Jerkstrong: How Lance Armstrong is like Sarah Palin.) illuminates the odd side of narcissistic, juiced up adulterer. For those of you that don’t know, Armstrong recently returned to racing. The return was tumultuous to say the least:
Upon his return, Armstrong announced that he would subject himself to “the most advanced anti-doping program in the world,” a strict regimen of tests whose results would be posted online for all to see. Despite Armstrong having told reporters that “it’s under way,” the program was scrapped before it got started after being deemed too expensive and too complicated. Rather than trying to erase the significant, lingeringdoubts about his own ethics, Armstrong resorted to Twittering sarcastically whenever he got drug tested, as if he were being specially persecuted. In truth, he is not: Cycling has vastly increased its drug testing this year, and the sport is devoting more attention to higher-profile riders—not just the ones named Lance.
At the same time, he’s used cancer to help him avoid questions about the sketchypast and dubious sponsors of his own Astana team, at least one of whose members remains under serious suspicion of doping. When a well-respected Irish sportswriter, Paul Kimmage, questioned Armstrong’s support for convicted dopers Ivan Basso and Floyd Landis, he snarled, “I am here to fight this disease.” Armstrong then added, “You are not worth the chair you are sitting on.” (You can watch full video of the exchange here.)
I don’t dismiss the positive work Lance has done for cancer awareness and fund-raising. Similarly, I don’t dismiss the effect Sarah Palin has had on the bigoted, far-right fringe. But is it really about cancer research? Or is it really about Lance? Gifford writes:
Lance actually shares a few traits with Sarah Palin. They both react to any criticism with extreme defensiveness. They demonize their enemies while at the same time cultivating nonstop melodramas that keep them in the news. And while they both periodically issue petulant threats to quit, you get the funny feeling that neither one is going away anytime soon.
This brings me to the Tour de France – Cycling’s month-long Super Bowl. In anticipation of this grand event, Nike issued this weird ad, starring Lance. Here’s the essence of the ad (my comments in bold.):
Over somber piano music, we see black-and-white scenes of doctors at an operating table, cancer patients in hospital gowns, a bald man hooked up to a respirator, a man with one leg on a treadmill. All of this is intercut with scenes of Armstrong riding his bike. “The critics say I’m arrogant (you are),” Armstrong says. “A doper (yes). Washed up (almost). A fraud (certainly). That I couldn’t let it go (you haven’t).” Pause. “They can say whatever they want (I will). I’m not back on my bike for them.“
He’s a victim of his critics. Poor guy.
The ad also implies, disturbingly, that the cyclist’s “critics”—and that includes everyone who thinks he’s arrogant—are equivalent to cancer. It is apparently not enough for him to ride his bike and lead a positive campaign. He can’t help but go after his detractors at the same time. And you thought Sarah Palin was divisive.
Anyway, I’m not going to get into the x’s + o’s of cycling. Apparently, cyclers ride in teams and help eachother out with the wind-resistance and what-not. The likely winner, Alberto Contador, is a member of Lance’s team and widely regarded as the best cycler in the world. Will Lance have any choice but to share the spotlight?
When he was at the top of his game, Armstrong demanded total loyalty and subservience from his teammates. That’s not what Contador is getting from Lance. Take Monday’s stage of the Tour deFrance, when Armstrong ordered his teammates to ride hard on the front, leaving Contador behind. It worked, almost: The tactic not only showed Contador who is boss, but it nearly helped earn Armstrong another yellow jersey on Tuesday’s stage. If Armstrong had gotten the yellow—no matter that he stepped on his teammate’s back to get it—it would have marked a triumphal completion of his comeback, finishing the self-created narrative arc upon which every successful politician builds his career. In less than a year, he’s transformed himself from tabloid joke to cancer-conquering messiah. And if he does enter politics—after a year of fighting the press, demonizing enemies, and fending off personal scandal—at least he’ll be well-prepared.
Over the last week, Contador pulled away, almost ensuring victory. That makes me, Alberto, and presumably Cancer, very happy.
Lance is currently in 3rd (When will this godforsaken thing end? ). Will he be gracious in defeat? He gave us a preview when he grudgingly agreed to assist Contador:
“If we ride into Paris with the yellow jersey in the team, I’m cool with that,” Armstrong said. “I’ve got seven of them at home.”
Erin Andrews has been a favorite of mine for the last few years. I’m talking Top 5 Favorite and common attendee in my “photo album.” Not only is she the typical hot, leggy blonde, but she can also talk “swing offense” with Bo Ryan.
I know it’s not just me. I expect even Tebow would put down a Filipino orphan and unbuckle his chastity belt for a chance to bed her.
So I was very curious when I read someone videotaped naked Erin through her hotel room peephole in Omaha. I took a couple deep breaths, and waited it out until I was only “semi”-curious.
At this point, I have not searched this out on-line. Why? Well, while my phallic compass is pointing due north (towards viewing this tape), my moral compass has not allowed me to take a look. I don’t judge people who seek out this video, but I can’t do it. The only question that keeps running through my head is, “How would you come across on a hotel room hidden camera?” The Answer? Creepy, skinny, slothful and stained.
Examples of things I’ve done while naked in hotel rooms: (1) air-guitar w/ headphones on; (2) eaten pasta with my hands; (3) blown my nose in a hand-towel; (4) watched the live Lotto numbers while holding my tickets; (5) passed out on the floor (bathroom + bedroom). These are the PG examples. Feel free to be inspired, Pixar. These are on the house.
The argument that she “brings this upon herself” because she is a sexy public figure is bullshit. She is not posing for Playboy. She is not at some Omaha meth party with no underwear. She is not out on the town, wearing a slutty dress when someone snaps a photo as one of her titties pops out. She was not stupid enough to make a sex video with a guy who “promised not to show it to any of his friends.”
Don't despair. I still admire you as the sideline-reporting professional you are.
Public figures deserve privacy in private areas such as hotel rooms. Maybe not Marion Berry’s hotel room, but certainly in private rooms where no illegal activity is occurring.
1. Chris Berman: This stale windbag has been referring to her as Erin “Go-Bra-Less” Andrews for the last couple days. I cringe thinking of him “rumblin’ bumblin’ stumblin’ ” down the hotel hall after taking the video. Gross human.
2. Dick Vitale: Dickie V always talks about how he has only one “good-eye.” That’s all you need for a peephole. “Are you serious? That Ass is Awesome with a capital A!!” Fuck you, Vitale.
3. Linda Cohn: The female Sportscenter mainstay might resent Andrews. I don’t blame her, though. I heard menopause can be a rough time. Keep your chin up, Linda!
4. Scott VanPelt: Until now, the sensitive anchor had the best net-wide tape among the ESPN crowd (particularly after Berman had ESPN scrub the Web of his O’Reilly-esque tirade). Perhaps it was too much being known as the “painfully long, heartfelt voice-mail guy.”
5. Stuart Scott: Not the primary suspect only because I don’t think he could stay quiet for the couple minutes necessary to execute the covert taping. “Check out those cans! Boo-ya!” This dated asshead exudes creepiness. Stu, I know your contrived lingo is an attempt to come across as being from the bad-side of Bristol, but you’re as transparent as Rich Eisen’s soul.
#1: No one has ever claimed Bud Selig injected Barry Bonds in the ass with Durabolin, or that he helped Mark McGuire apply Proactiv to his pock-marked face. But, poor Bud. His feelings are really hurt. Quite possibly, the innocent victim of a crazy “witch-hunt.” Or something.
“I don’t want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn’t care about it,” Selig said. “That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I’m sensitive to the criticism. The reason I’m so frustrated is, if you look at our whole body of work, I think we’ve come farther than anyone ever dreamed possible.”
Let’s see. Bud Selig, acting commissioner 1992-1998. Commissioner, 1998-present. When MLB resurrected itself in the late-90s, largely due to the gaudy HR numbers put up by the triumvirate of juice – McGuire, Sosa and Bonds, Bud Selig loved the camera. He loved taking credit. And baseball has enjoyed a huge comeback. The MLB set attendance records in 2007, and almost again last year.
Ken Caminiti admitted to using steroids in ‘02. He claimed 1/2 of MLB players are users. In 2005, MLB finally instituted a collectively-bargained drug policy. What does Bud say?
“Starting in 1995, I tried to institute a steroid policy,” Selig said. “Needless to say, it was met with strong resistance. We were fought by the union every step of the way.”
Strange, I’m pretty sure Bud would have a hard time coming up with evidence to support that. While Donald Fehr and the Players’ Union
Oh my God, you irritate the hell out of me.
are certainly as culpable as the MLB, the job to protect the integrity of the game + properly manage the league lies with the Commissioner’s office. He has done nothing but turn a blind eye. And that “annoys the you know what out of me.”
He then states:
“They all told me none of them ever saw it in the clubhouses and that their players never spoke about it,” Selig said. “[Padres CEO] Sandy Alderson, as good a baseball man as you’ll find, was convinced it was the bat. Others were convinced it was the ball. So a lot of people didn’t know.”
If no one knew, then why did you try to institute a steroid policy in 1995? It’s the bat. It’s the ball. It’s Gary Gaetti in the clutch. Which is it, you sanctimonious douchenozzle?
You may ask, ‘Why would he turn the other way?’ Well, there’s no need to “rock the boat” when you cleared over$18 million in 2007.
#2. The 2nd Douchenozzle of the week needs no introduction. He’s one of the 4 players that made more than Bud last year.
Though I’ve always been very far from feeling sorry for him, until today I was reluctant to pile on ARod. First of all, the Union seriously messed up in allowing the results of an “anonymous” test to be released. Second, over 100 other players tested positive, but I haven’t heard a peep about any of them. Where’s the outrage over Brady Anderson?! Too soon? Too late? I guarantee his First Response Home Steroid Test either came up blue, or had a “plus-sign.” But those are different issues altogether.
ARod’s “prepared statement” today was epic in it’s bullshit + typical in its failure to take responsibility. A couple of highlights:
Rodriguez said his cousin introduced him to “boli,” saying it was an over-the-counter substance in the Dominican Republic. From 2001 until 2003 with Texas, he said his cousin injected him about twice a month during six-month cycles to get an energy boost.
“I didn’t think they were steroids,” he said. “That’s again part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter. It was pretty simple.”
“All these years I never thought I did anything wrong.”
2 problems with this. First, he failed to identify his “cousin.” One reason may be because he wants to protect him. Personally, I don’t think this “cousin” exists. He’s just blaming it on some random Dominican no one will be able to locate. Prove me wrong, Dateline.
Second, he pulls the Barry Bonds/Brian Roberts, “I didn’t think they were steroids”-card. This fully contradicts his initial interview with apologist and guitarist Peter Gammons, where ARod indicated he took drugs because of the pressure of his big contract. Which is it? Jesus. Won’t someone just come clean + say, “I did it. It’s wrong. I regret it. Don’t do it children. Everyone have an ice cream, on me!”
Invariably it goes like this (after the player is confronted with iron clad proof), “It was an accident.
D-Rod.
Someone else gave it to me. I didn’t know what it was. I’m sorry I got caught. Can I keep my endorsements?”
I could go on, but I’m sure this will be over-examined. It goes something like: i was naive, blah blah blah, talks about himself in the 3rd person, blah blah, sorry to my teammates.
Apparently, Pitchers, catchers and douchenozzles have all reported to Camp.
Yes, the season has already started. Honestly, I have not drawn any conclusions other than a man-crush on Derrick Rose and mild (Noce) to severe (Deng) irritation directed at the rest of the Bulls’ roster. Thus, it’s past-due time for the final & deluxe edition of Gratuitous Balls.
NORTHWEST DIVISION – I was a big fan of the Seattle Super Sonics growing up. I liked their uniforms. I
Makin it rain 24/7!
loved Shawn Kemp and thought that he impregnated all those women because he loved children. Maybe he would adopt me and teach me how to jump high + grow facial hair!
Now, thanks to some rich Okie, the Super Sonics franchise is defunct and the team is now the Oklahoma City Thunder. Great nickname. It was probably a result of some contest run by the Oklahoma Public School system – a model of wheel-spinning mediocrity! Good Luck, Thunders.
Projected Order of Finish
1. Utah: Mormons do not deserve a NBA team this solid. Jerry sloan is my favorite coach in the league. And to quote a great man, I don’t think he’s doin’ a lot of singin’ with the Tabernacle Choir.
2. Portland: This team has about 22 young, talented players. They don’t necessarily look young, but trust me – lots of potential. Greg Oden should eat up the paint (when healthy).
3. Denver: Carmelo peaked at age 19. That’s about all I got. Play some defense, guy!
4. Oklahoma City: Poor Kevin Durant. Banished to the Dust Bowl.
Trendy OKC.
5. Minnesota: Kevin McHale = the Matt Millen of the NBA.
PACIFIC DIVISION
The Lakers will not see much competition here.
1. LA Lakers: Kobe will not take ‘no’ for an answer. Zing!
2. Phoenix: Steve Nash is many things. At the same time, he is one of the the best PGs in basketball, as well as the NBA’s most overrated player. Phoenix will be just good enough to get ousted in the 1st round of the playoffs.
3. Golden State: If you want athletic swing-men and a roster with a history of conduct-issues, Golden State is the team for you. (edited = projected #4)
4. LA Clippers: Baron Davis is good. OK, I’m going to switch it up. LA Clip-show now projected =3. Ah, but Frankie Muniz is a Clippers fan, which can’t be good for anyone. Ahhhhh, ok, we’ll leave them at #3.
5. Sacramento: The Sacramento PD no longer has an unmarked car outside Ron Artest’s residence. Kevin Martin can seriously fill it up. this is probably the last time you’ll hear about him all season.
The Outlook wasn’t brilliant for the McCain Campaign that day:
The score stood fairly even, with but some swing states more to play.
And then when Phil Gramm got the hook, and Fiorina did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the Wingnuts at the game.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to delusion which springs eternal in the Wingnut breast;
They thought, if only Johnny could get but a whack at that -
Exxon would put up even money, now, with Johnny at the bat.
But Huck preceded Johnny, as did also Mormon Mitt,
And the former was a zealot, and the latter full of shit;
So upon that stricken multitude grim, still his cronies sat,
But there seemed but little chance of Johnny getting to the bat.
But Huck let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Sarah, the much despis-ed pinch-hitter, fooled millions despite her gall;
And when the dust had lifted, and old men saw what had occurred,
There was Sarah safe at second and some Nut a-hugging third.
Then from 40 Million throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled the Ohio Valley, it rattled Wisconsin’s Dells;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Johnny, POW Johnny, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Johnny’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Johny’s bearing and a smirk on Johny’s face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he broke into a yarn,
‘Bout War Heroes entitled to power, and organizers not worth a darn.
Millions of eyes were on him, despite Rich Cindy’s dress;
And for every time he had no answer, he blamed it on the press.
Then while the opponent spoke with grace, and intelligence to wit,
Defiance gleamed in Johnny’s eye, a sneer curled Johnny’s lip.
And now a question on the economy came hurtling through the air,
And after some classic flopping, he stood silent in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the Arizonan, the question unheeded sped-
“I don’t know that much,” said Johnny. “Strike one,” the nation said.
Blaming liberals and black people, there went up a muffled roar,
From Malkin the self-righteous, to Rush and the alarmist whores.
“Muslim! Flag Pins! Rezko!” shouted many from the stand;
And Johnny heard the message, sending ads across the land.
With a smile of faux-Christian charity, Johnny’s pale visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He winked right at the pitcher, some rube named W;
Remembering their thick embrace, the nation said, “Strike two.”
“Fraud!” cried indignant conservatives, “we’ll need vast voter-fraud”;
And after one race-baiting speech from Palin, the Wingnuts were all awed.
Some said, he’s still ’Just Ol’ John,’ a ‘Maverick’ he remains,
And they knew that Johnny wouldn’t let that ball go by again.
The sneer is gone from Johnny’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
And Trusty Joe whispers in his ear, words John regurgitates.
And though W still holds the ball, and soon he’ll let it go,
The air remains shattered by the force of what Johnny doesn’t know.
Oh, everywhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere troops come home, and kids with health care shout;
But there is no joy in Nutville – mighty Johnny has struck out.
Believe it or not, this division does exist. While there is a fair amount of young talent, very few fans care. Those people that do arrive to half-fill the stadiums are usually on their phones checking the latest college hoops scores, NASCAR info, and strip club specials.
ORDER OF FINISH
ORLANDO: This team should repeat. Dwight Howard will continue to be a freak. JJ Reddick will continue to add to Duke’s legacy of atrocious NBA Guards who are defensive liabilities. The “Van Gundy Effect” should get them to round 2 of the playoffs.
MIAMI: The Heat are possibly the most hyped team to end the previous season 52 games under .500 (which still almost gets you an 8-seed in the East). The Heat do have DWade, Shawn Marrion, and Michael Beasley, a rookie who will likely show flashes of brilliance before getting suspended on the eve of game 7 of the Eastern Conference semis for smoking weed in a Dairy Queen while waiting for an Oreo-Blizzard and wearing a fedora.
ATLANTA: Josh Smith jumps. Mike Bibby passes. Al Horford rebounds. Joe Johnson scores. The city of
will play for mortgage
Atlanta yawns. The Hawks have some serious young talent, but maybe they need to add a Michael Vick-type character in order to capture the attention of the 112 Hawks fans.
CHARLOTTE: Larry Brown arrives on his quest to coach for every NBA team. I predict OK. City is next. Maybe 6 months. The big question is whether Larry and his team of small forwards can get to the playoffs. Adam Morrison? you can go ahead any time now.
WASHINGTON: After playing an admirable 13 games last year, franchise-player Gilbert Arenas will get time to rest at the start of this season after a summer knee surgery. Brendon Haywood? I never liked you. You suck. Sorry about the broken leg, though. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone – even you.
NBA Superstar Superlatives-Southeast Division
Most likely to find a bag of flaming shit on his doorstep: Alexis Ajinca, Charlotte: This Afrique-Frenchman takes his rail-thin body, aloof attitude, and finesse game to the southeast, where they love all those things.
Ajinca: More smug than thug.
Obscure Signature move: Mickael Pietrus, Orlando: The “Monorail” – Pietrus has a hard time executing his patented move of dribbling straight down the length of the court without wavering, and executing a one-hand layup at the front of the rim. But when it does happen, central Florida can hear the polite clapping all the way at the Epcot Center recreation, located on the main concourse of the Magic’s “Amway Arena.”
Best Cook: Antonio Daniels, Washington: Something tells me he cooks a mean chili. Spiciness? Hot. Heartiness? You bet. Flavor? Quite pleasant.
The Central Division- What do Frank TV, preseason basketball, and all VH1 programming have in common? Well, if you’re watching it and one of your friends or relatives isn’t involved with the show, you may have some serious fucking problems.
So…with that in mind, I turned on the Bulls game the other night to watch #1 pick Derrick Rose and the other 27 guards on the team. This kid should be able to make plays, although many of these plays should be great passes that go through the hands of Tyrus Thomas (aka “Hoof Hands” – see below) and Joakim Noah (aka “French Fingers”), resulting in many-a-turnover.
Lebron loves dragons and Chinese! Buy one today!
But I digress. This is clearly LeBron’s division. LeBron who, you ask? Lebron James: basketball star,
sponsor, actor, entertainer, sponsor, husband, sponsor, father, award presenter, cousin, florist, son, and sponsor. Have the Cavs done enough to finally get them into the finals? Great Question.
ORDER OF FINISH
CLEVELAND: Mo Williams is next in-line to be LeBron’s sidekick. With LeBron entering his 6th year, this may be the best player with whom GM Danny Ferry has surrounded his franchise player. Which is sad. If the Cavs wouldn’t have lucked into the #1 pick in 2003, this team would be almost certainly be a laughing-stock. And really, isn’t that what the Cavs are supposed to be?
DETROIT- Break out the IcyHot, heating pads, knee braces and denture adhesive. The Pistons are back for one more run. These guys will likely challenge the Cavs with their joint-creaking brand of fundamentally sound basketball. Much suspense surrounds this team, including whether journeyman Antonio Mcdyess can make it through the season with all of his limbs. Godspeed, Dice!
CHICAGO: Everyone reading this has at least as much coaching experience as new coach Vinny DelNegro.
Coach Butt-Cut
Get ready for at least 2 years of this guy, or at least until NASA solicits the service of an unqualified, NBA-journeyman-greaseball to accompany a shuttle mission. On 3 separate occasions as a player, DelNegro was traded for these legendary former-Bulls: Jason Caffey, Corie Blount, and Jud Bueschler. That’s a resume even career-builder couldn’t help with. zing.
MILWAUKEE: There should be a lot of ‘chucking’ going on in Milwaukee. Michael Redd, the skilled lefty, and consummate chucker, finally has a chance to make some noise in the central. With the addition of Richard Jefferson, Luke Ridnour, and others, this team should make Scott Skiles grin slightly, at least a couple times during the season.
INDIANA: With the acquisitions of TJ Ford and Jarrett Jack to team up with Travis Diener, this undersized team will have to work hard to out-muscle the WNBA competition.
NBA Superstar Superlatives-Central Division
Weirdest Birthmark- Rasheed Wallace, Detroit. Every night, the NBA’s preeminent 34-year old adolescent blames the officials for this imperfection.
Most Deer-Like -Tyrus Thomas, Chicago. Whether bouncing down the court with his huge strides, or
If I knew how to photoshop, you would have antlers.
staring vacantly wide-eyed at a coach in a huddle, no one emulates this particular herbivore more than Tyrus.
Most Surprisingly Stalked- Jeff Foster, Indiana. For some reason, men and women obsess over the Pacer Center. Whether it be his near-degree in finance from SW Texas State, or his 6.4 ppg average, one thing is certain: sociopaths love Jeff Foster. Foster hopes to make it through another season safely and without another decapitated-cat-head-with-earrings incident.
Watch out, Jeff. It could be the photographer!
Grossest-sounding DL stint- Mo Williams, Cleveland. Last year, Williams spent time on the Disabled List with something called (seriously) pubic symphysis. You’re going to have to look it up.
Nothing gets peoples’ juices flowing more than NBA basketball. And NBA Hoops in October? What could be better? So as not to overstimulate the reader, we will incrementally break down the NBA by division.
Today we profile the Atlantic Division, home of the NBA Champion Boston Celtics. It will be rocking in Boston when the team’s 17th Championship banner is raised in the notoriously racist city. The fans can’t wait to give a thunderous ovation to its team of all black players + of course, the scrappy, red-head Brian Scalabrine (1.8 ppg). The Celtics continue to be the favorites, though I expect Philadelphia and Toronto will close the gap with improving young talent, and the presence of notorious locker room cancer Darius Miles riding the pine in Boston. The Knicks will continue to be a goddamn disaster, which should please most NBA fans.
ORDER OF FINISH
Boston- These old timers will most likely continue to work over your favorite team. They don’t need Sam Cassell, but he makes everyone else look that much prettier if a trophy is hoisted.
Cassell - Picture mysteriously missing from Celtics' Media Guide.
Philadelphia- Elton Brand, a talented player who has been an integral part of awful teams, comes over from the Clippers to team up with Andre Miller, Andre Iguodola, and some decent young talent. Donyell Marshall is still in the NBA, which must give hope to many D-League players in their late-30s.
Toronto- With the acquisition of Jermaine O’Nealto go along with the rest of their multi-national team, the Raptors will truly be able to talk trash in most any language.
New Jersey - Yi Jianlian will be a huge attraction for Jersey’s bridge+chopstick crowd. Vince Carter should continue to cause some issues, as he maintains he will only practice in front of a mirror.
New York- New York club owners must be salivating over the recent addition of Chris Duhon. Du will
So long, Du! Never thought that t-shirt would work. Way to stay with it!
provide NYC establishments with the loyal, consistent patronage of Jason Kidd without the unsolicited Vag-grabbing. With the additions of Duhon and new Coach Mike D’Antoni, there’s no telling how far this team can go, or how high the team’s B.A.C . will be after games.
Superstar Superlatives – NBA Atlantic Division
Weirdest Coach: Lawrence Frank, New Jersey.
Who has two thumbs and no inside-scoring threat?
Most likely to be arrested: A Knick.
Smelliest Locker Room: Toronto – With players from rank and exotic places like Croatia, Spain, Italy, and South Carolina, the post-game locker room should contain a cacophony of awful smells and broken English.
Inconsequential Rookie: J.R. Giddens, Celtics – Poor guy may have to play mop-up duty in street clothes, as equipment manager doesn’t believe he’s on the team.
Obscure Signature Move: Royal Ivey’s “Othell-oop” After setting up teammates for easy dunks with his signature, no-look feed, Ivey has been known to lay some Shakespeare on his opponents, as he did to Mike James last year…Said Ivey, ” ‘To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there’s the rub’…that’s Hamlet, Son!”
Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle Tank Johnson had to be restrained after return specialist Rock Cartwright stood on the 50-yard line star at Texas Stadium yesterday as he celebrated Washington’s 26-24 victory.
“This is how it is. When you win, you win with class. When you lose, you lose with class,” Johnson said. “One of their guys, Cartwright, took it upon himself to celebrate on our star.
“It’s the fourth game of the season. No one has accomplished anything but a win. That’s just disrespectful and I don’t think we’d do that to them. And I’m surprised he did that to us.”
The Redskins could celebrate however they pleased, Cartwright said. “He was a little frustrated that we won,” Cartwright said. “He got mad that I went and stood at the middle of the star.
“I went to say hello to everybody, and he got mad that I stood at the middle of the star. It is what it is. I’m past it. I’m not worried about it. I think they’re just mad that we came in and got a win today. It’s part of the game. You win some, you lose some.”
In losing with class, Tank went after a 5′8 return guy. Miss ya, buddy.
Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD
Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition. But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.
As Bill Raftery would say, “Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!”
Without further ado, the innagural PASTEY goes to this guy:
TIM TEBOW!!!
An obvious selection! This young, energetic, hard-worker can add THE PASTEY to his already impressive award stash. The rugged Florida Quarterback delighted many coeds and broadcast personalities when he decided to come back for his Junior season. In fact, what sticks out about this son of Christian Missionaries isn’t that he became the first player to rush and pass for at least 20 touchdowns in a single season, or even that he heroically led the Gators to a SPECTACULAR 9-4 finish in 2007. Rather, it’s how tough he is. Legend has it that Tebow broke his leg in a high school game and managed to play all 4 quarters. Erin Andrews gets movement downstairs just thinking about it.
When he’s not winning awards, running up solid numbers, and spreading the gospel, the earnest Tebow is inspiring politicians everywhere. Alabama’s “Tim Tebow Bill” (HR 334) would require public schools to allow homeschooled students equal access to SPORTS! and extracurricular activities. I shit you not. When powerful Alabamans are not fighting the culture wars of yesteryear, or avoiding a gay cousin, this is what they do at the office.
The Home-schooled Heisman winner is already a legend in the state, and though he has often folded in the clutch, he is obviously way better than Chris Leak, who may or may not have led the Gators to the 2006 National Championship. Congratulations, Tim. You’re today’s PASTEY.
Whiteness: Eggshell
Quote: “Mothers pray their daughters will bring him home for pot roast night. Fathers pray their sons will grow up to be like him. Linebackers pray he won’t connect with that stiffarm.” Andy Staples, Athlon Sports
Favorite Book: Leviticus
Jaw: Distinguished
Future: Like all recent Gator QBs, he will likely play at one time for Bears. Like all recent Gator QBs, his NFL futility will be legendary.
1. TEXAS: Until the Texas 
