Last Monday, I received a pre-approved Credit Card offer, 2 offers for magazine subscriptions, a letter from my health insurer, and a ransom letter written in lamb’s blood. But it was a good day because I didn’t get anything from Pottery Barn – the Devil’s home-furnishing store. I’ve never even been to the Pottery Barn! Still, I wasn’t satisfied.
Today, Gratuitous World stops spewing nonsense and stealing your soul for a couple minutes, to give you some helpful advice on how to remove yourself from mailing lists and junk mail.
Here’s some plagarism:
Junk mail destroys 100 million trees a year — the equivalent of deforesting all of Rocky Mountain National Park every four months.
Largely due to deforestation, junk mail manufacturing creates as much greenhouse gas emissions annually as 3.7 million cars.
More than half of unsolicited mail is discarded unread or unopened; the response rate is less than 2%.
Junk mail creates four million tons of unnecessary waste per year.
Calculating the weight of the junk mail trash from EPA data, it works out to 13.4% of 1276 pounds per household; that’s 170 pounds of trash per household per year.
Don’t just think about the waste that junk mail produces; consider the energy required to produce the mail, and the emissions required to transport it to your home. And even if it gets recycled in the end, a great deal of energy is expended in the recycling process.
Credit Card Applications
Getting bent over by the credit card companies isn’t difficult. But that doesn’t mean you have to read their love letters. Name and address are all that are necessary:
Opt-Out Pre-Screen will ensure no pre-approved applications arrive in the mail. The online form is accepted without having to enter your Social Security Number. (Available to US residents only.)
I did the on-line, 5-year opt-out. It took 2 minutes.
Virtually all credit card and insurance companies get your mailing and credit information from one of the three major national credit bureaus, who share their lists between one another. Pursuant to the federal Fair Credit Reporting Act (1997), consumers can call any one of the credit bureaus, and upon request can have their name removed from all three lists.
Equifax : PO Box 740123, Atlanta, GA 30374-0123 – Phone: (888) 567-8688
TransUnion: 555 West Adams Street, Chicago, IL 60661 – Phone: (800) 680-7293
Direct Marketing Association
The Direct Marketing Association is apparently responsible for 75% of all national mailings that come to your home. By calling or writing them and requesting that you be added to their Do Not Mail List, your name won’t be on the many mail order sales companies that use the D.M.A. to generate mailing lists.
Valpak Coupons
Visit Cox Target Media to remove your name. Unless you really want that $5 off a $100+ oil change.
Catalogs
Catalog Choice will remove you from many (if not most) catalog mailing lists.
Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, “Thou Shalt Not.” But they continue with their death-style anyway ….
Thou Shalt Not Commit Douchebaggery.
Totally! When I lube up my group sex partners and strap on the ball-gag, the only thing going through my mind is 80-year old Sister Mary (my 3rd grade teacher), and our complicated lust/hate relationship. It’s all about Catholicism! Actually, it’s you Bill. I can’t stop thinking of you. You and St. Fiacre, patron saint of hemorrhoids sufferers (true).
Douchenozzle’s Checklist for American decay: The Sexually Active? Check. Ok, moving on – Hollywood:
There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone. Now they just insult. And when someone finally makes a film that makes Christians proud, he is run out of town. Were it not for Mel Gibson, there would have been no “Passion of the Christ.” But for every Harvey Weinstein who likes to bash Catholics, there is always someone else waiting in the wings to do the same ….
I understand Bill’s job is to “spin,” but Jesus Christ (no pun), there’s no way this asshead can honestly believe Mel Gibson was “run out of town” because of The Passion. For God’s sake, people gave him money to do Apocalypto. No mention of the lesser-known, anti-Mayan prejudice of Hollywood Jews.
Gibson tarnished his own reputation by getting trashed and making public his hostile anti-Semitism. But it’s all a symbol of Catholic persecution because Harvey Weinstein produced a movie with an evil priest.
Maybe Donahue is just upset because he went to the “casting couch” with a Hollyowood producer who promised him a role in the next Flomax commercial. Sad.
Okay, moving on to liberals + gays + philanthropists:
Catholics were once the mainstay of the Democratic Party; now the gay activists are in charge. Indeed, practicing Catholics are no longer welcome in leadership roles in the Party: the contempt that pro-life Catholics experience is palpable. The fact that Catholics for Choice, a notoriously anti-Catholic front group funded by the Ford Foundation, has a close relationship with the Democrats says it all ….
Yes, Democrats despise Catholics. You know, arch-enemies like John Kerry, Joe Biden, and Ted Kennedy.
The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.
This guy is so out-of-touch it’s unbelievable. Doesn’t he know we’re all aborting dogs, walking kids, and eschewing baths altogether?
Bill has a classic Perseuction Complex. Look, asshole, this isn’t the 1920s. I will refrain from retelling the history of anti-Catholicism, but let’s make one thing clear: Calling out the Church’s criminal conspiracy to cover-up the pedophilia of their priests does not constitute persecution. It constitutes appropriate indignation at the most despicable behavior attributable to humans. Where’s your moral compass, Dbag?
You can fight your imaginary culture wars all you want. At the end of the day, only a miniscule pack of drones will pick up the pitchforks to follow you. And at the end of the day, you’ll still be a Douchenozzle.
Ludovicus nearly attains a balance of cohesion and chaos. Taking less risks than its predecessor, it still offers the same tattered simplicity and battered delivery that create such warmly imperfect aromas.
While it is clear that, as Ludovicus tames and grooms its unruly aesthetic, it does not attempt to achieve the clarity of, for example, Imogen Heap.
It’s hard not to feel the vineyard’s dry winds of irony in latter tastes of the bottle. While manifesting in linear paths that never venture far from poignance, one can’t help view this bottle as fostering a sense of resignation.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Fucking Cat People.
MONTGOMERY — A Montgomery man is alleged to have shot and killed a resident’s dog after mistaking it for coyotes running after his cats, Montgomery police said.
Police have charged Russell Kreeger, 43, of the 1300 block of Crown Drive, with criminal damage to property and discharging a firearm.
At about 12:29 a.m. Sunday, police were dispatched to the area of Crown Drive and Dawn Avenue near Phillips Park for a report of shots fired.
After conducting an investigation, police allege that Kreeger shot his 9mm handgun twice at what he thought were two coyotes that were going after his cats in his yard. Police say Kreeger instead shot and killed a husky belonging to another resident.
Kreeger is set to appear in Aurora branch court on Nov. 19.
Just another night on the road with the craziest band in America: Hanson.
A House of Blues security guard was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of battery after he allegedly struck a woman in the face during a scuffle caught on video outside the downtown music club Monday night, officials said.
Darrell Gibson II, 31, of Sauk Village, was involved in an altercation with a woman resulting in minor injuries to her, said Roderick Drew, spokesman for the Chicago Police Department…
A video posted on YouTube on Tuesday showed a woman getting knocked down by a security guard after a shouting match. The woman was angry because her camera was confiscated. At one point, the guard is heard saying “back the — up off me” and the woman later says “call 911, seriously!”
Seriously. Do not get between a Hanson fan and her fucking camera. She totally needs to update her status with that Marquee photo, like, yesterday.
GW hates the H.O.B. but doesn’t want to judge. If you want to go to an over-priced and likely over-sold show, run by delusional over-important asshats, then pay $8 for a lukewarm can of Bud Light – it’s the place for you.
But a couple things.
Hanson’s still together? Good for them. Some of their longtime fans must have kids who are really into Hanson.
Darrell Gibson? I don’t know if you’ll be spending any time in the clink. But in the prison hierarchy, I’m pretty sure battery of a Hanson fan rates somewhere below serial bike theft and somewhere above sex with farm animals. Good luck.
FAYETTEVILLE, AR - Larry Hannigan’s mundane life took an unexpected turn on Monday, when he discovered his 10-month old child, Henry, had developed a Truck Nuts allergy.
Following a recent family trip to Ozark National Forest in the family’s Truck Nuts-adorned Ford F-150 pickup truck, Hannigan noticed a rash consuming much of Henry’s body.
“At first, I thought it might’ve been some poison oak from the camping we were doing,” Hannigan said. “But then I took little Hank in the Ford over to Home Depot the other day, and the same thing happened.”
After some tests, it was determined Henry has an allergy to Truck Nuts, the plastic truck accessory resembling human testicles inside a scrotum. Truck Nuts first appeared in the United States in 1998 and first sold on the internet in 1999.
Hannigan’s wife Betsy expressed alarm at the diagnosis. “Never in a million years did I even think a child could even have an allergic reaction to something like that. We’re definitely going to have to be more careful.”
Asked whether her child’s allergy meant the family would remove the accessory in question, Ms. Hannigan wasn’t as definitive. “I don’t know,” pondered Betsy. “Larry sure loves those Nuts. He used to spend hours tinkering with that truck. Now, everytime I look out in the driveway he’s rubbing Armor-All on those things.”
Occurences of Truck Nuts allergies have become increasingly common in certain regions of the United States, particularly south of the Mason-Dixon line.
Henry receives traditional treatment for allergic reaction to "Truck Nuts."
Management of Truck Nuts allergies depends on strict avoidance of Truck Nuts. For young children, this usually depends on the of care of interested adults. There are some places, however, where it may be especially difficult to avoid Truck Nuts. These include NASCAR races, Shoney’s restaurants, and Wal-Mart parking lots.
Hannigan indicated he has no plans to get rid of the truck or the Truck Nuts.
“Look, the most important thing to me is Hank’s health,” Hannigan told reporters. “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to castrate my pride and joy just because the little guy is getting itchy. I mean, all my friends co-workwers have seen the Nuts. What kind of man would I be to let some uppity doctor tell me what to do with my Ford? I bought the damn thing.”
Hannigan concluded, ”I’d still rather have a kid with a Nuts allergy than drive a Chevy.”
I would like to point out this occurred in the daylight:
Sep 15th, 2009 | WICHITA, Kan. — A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at pocket knifepoint. Police said two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6 p.m. Saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings. Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.
Police said one of the robbers was a 64-year-old man who egged his 59-year-old companion on during the robbery.
The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.
Come waste your time with me.
What 2 jewelry-clad people and 150 pounds of garbage do in a dumpster is their own damn business. These savage criminals have no respect for those with no self-respect. Shame.
Back when I waited tables, I worked with a lot of Mexicans. Only one thing scared them - not the Minutemen, not Immigration, and not swimming in their jeans. That one thing? The mythical Chupacabra. If I was real busy and needed some salads quickly run out to a table, I would sneak up behind the busboy or food-runner and yell “Chupacabra! Chupacabra!” The usual reaction would be a giggle/yelp followed by some high-stepping out of the kitchen. Worked every time.
What is the Chupacabra, you ask? Though theories vary, the boys from Zacatecas tended to describe it as a reptile-like thing. Here’s wikipedia:
The Chupacabra or Chupacabras (pronunciation: /tʃupa’kabɾa/, from the Spanish words chupar, meaning “to suck”, and cabra, meaning “goat”; literally “goat sucker”), also called El Chupacabras in Spanish, is a legendarycryptid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas. It is associated more recently with sightings of an allegedly unknown animal in Puerto Rico(where these sightings were first reported), Mexico, and the United States, especially in the latter’s Latin American communities.[1] The name comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats.
The most common description of Chupacabra is a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back.[19] This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo.[20] In at least one sighting, the creature was reported to hop 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench.[20]When it screeches, some reports assert that the chupacabra’s eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.
Another description of Chupacabra, although not as common, describes a strange breed of wild dog.[20]This form is mostly hairless and has a pronounced spinal ridge, unusually pronounced eye sockets, fangs, and claws. It is claimed that this breed might be an example of a dog-like reptile. Unlike conventional predators, the chupacabra is said to drain all of the animal’s blood (and sometimes organs) through a single hole or two holes.[21]
A man living north of San Antonio says he has quite the animal sitting in his freezer — and it may be a mythical chupacabra. Jerry Ayer, a teacher at the Blanco Taxidermy School in Blanco, Texas, told TV station KSAT that he’s never seen anything like it.
”Different, that’s for sure, very interesting,” said Ayer.
The find comes amid a number of strange sightings in the area. The animal is gray in color with leathery, hairless skin and large fangs. “The front legs seem to be a little bit longer than a typical coyote, very irregular and never seen any that have legs like that,” said Ayer. Similar animals have been spotted across the country and deep in South America.A man living north of San Antonio says he has quite the animal sitting in his freezer — and it may be a mythical chupacabra.
Jerry Ayer, a teacher at the Blanco Taxidermy School in Blanco, Texas, told TV station KSAT that he’s never seen anything like it.
”Different, that’s for sure, very interesting,” said Ayer.
The find comes amid a number of strange sightings in the area. The animal is gray in color with leathery, hairless skin and large fangs.
”The front legs seem to be a little bit longer than a typical coyote, very irregular and never seen any that have legs like that,” said Ayer.
awwww...
Now I’ve seen a few animals in my time. This particular one looks like the legendary “dog.” Where are the lizard-like features? It’s like finding out Santa Claus is just your drunk uncle with a fake beard.
However, I’m sure one non-Texan segment of American society is excited: Hollywood. Following the unexplainable success of Beverly Hills Chihuaua, I’m picturing a “Chupacabra Goes to the Big Apple” type of franchise.
Evidently, KFC was not content leading the culinary world in fast-food-bowl technology. They now offer something for the carb-conscious fat-ass in all of us.
KFC is now offering a “sandwich” which consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken as a bun instead of bread.
According to Fox News, the “sandwich” is being test-marketed in only two areas so far, Rhode Island and Nebraska.
KFC’s competitors will not sit idly by while the Colonel corners the market on meat-bun treats. Expect these products to soon be offered to obese Americans everywhere:
McDonald’s Big Mac-Nugget: Tired of using both hands to eat your Big Mac? McDonald’s will take the sandwich, process it, and deep fry it with extra trans-fat! Served with a BBQ, Honey Mustard, or extra Special Sauce for dipping.
Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twist Pork Rinds: Calling all diabetics! Get after it.
Hardee’s “Omaha” Burger: 1/2 pound burger between two chicken-fried steaks and topped with sausage gravy. Served with a side of maple syrup and a 1/2 ounce of self-respect.
Culver’s Fried Lard Curds: Nature’s miscarriage.
Wendy’s TatoTurDucken: The Red-Head takes her traditional bacon-cheese baked potato, stuffs it in a chicken, then a duck, then a turkey. Deep fried and served with a pint of sour cream. Fork and knife optional. Take it “to go” if no one is sitting in the passenger seat.
I’m a huge Cubs fan. I’m also a huge Cubs fan that despises a lot of the “fans” that show up to Wrigley Field on a typical evening. Case in point, this tool (above) took it upon himself to pour his $8 beer on Phillies’ CF Shane Victorino during last night’s Phillies’ rout.
Wrigley security ejected the wrong guy – the guy on the right who looks like the fat, asthmatic chipmunk. However, today the Cubs and Victorino filed a report with the Chicago Police Department. The CPD is now looking for this douchenozzle, and hopefully he’s found.
The bleachers at Wrigley can be a great place to watch a game. Lately, not so much. I thought bleacher d-bags were losing interest in the recent tradition of tossing trash on the field after a bad call or tough break late in a game. This invariably results in a 15-minute delay where the grounds crew has to come clear the warning track of garbage. And oh yeah, trash that was not tossed during the initial tantrum then gets thrown at the ground crew. Class all-around.
This douchenozzle maintains this tradition. To paraphrase WSCR host Dan Bernstein, you know you’re an asshole when the guy in the blue Fukudome-headband is giving you the “what-the-fuck?!” look. And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but while we’re on the subject, what’s up with adult white guys wearing slightly-off-center caps? Wipe that stupid grin off your face. You look like a fucking asshole.
Anyone who knows this douchenozzle, please let him know he’s a fucker. Then call the cops.
GW Readers, let me take you on a trip to the vast wonder that is Siberia. You’re on the 3rd day of a hike with your Mongolian porter Naraanbatar. Imagine you’ve developed a sleepwalking disorder and unwittingly leave your trusty Mongol in the middle of the night. You wake alone, the ground rising before you as the mountainous terrain gets steeper. You start to freak the fuck out. After all, you have no water because you decided to fill your canteen with borscht. But then you see it. On the horizon, a man approaches. Not just any man…
Look at that majestic animal. And he can ride a horse.
“Am I hallucinating powerful Russians?” you ask yourself. Nope. That is really Putin. Shirtless. On A Horse. For a staged photo-shoot. Life-savingly weird.
Putin sees you and recognizes your calls for help. He starts galloping in your direction. Then all of a sudden he hops off the horse and jumps in a nearby lake, swimming with a purpose. This is odd considering he’s swimming in the opposite direction. But hey, that’s Putin, and the point is he’ll either save you or crush you. Just don’t thank him because you might get an awkward stomach-kiss.
This is what happens when you try hard to impress your Coach/Father Figure. Remember kids, never ever hustle. It will only end in painful disappointment.
When I run for office, a key part of my platform will be the legalization of public urination. Of course, I will encourage restrictions on this right. For instance, indoor peeing should generally be frowned upon (e.g. in a Church or Planetarium). Similarly, there should be no public urination within 100 feet of a school or post office.
Well, there are trailblazers in our midst – and believe it or not, some of them are in the Mobile, Alabama Prosecutor’s Office:
MOBILE, Ala. — City officials want to dismiss a public lewdness charge against an 81-year-old woman accused of urinating in a public park when she couldn’t make it to a bathroom.
Municipal prosecutors in Mobile filed a motion Wednesday to throw out the charge against Lula Mae Battle. The request came amid a public outcry over the arrest of Battle, who suffers from incontinence problems.”Thank you, Jesus. Glory, Hallelujah!” Battle told the Press-Register newspaper after learning of the city’s motion.
Municipal Court administrator Pete Peterson said Thursday the judge would likely rule on the city’s motion to throw out the case on Sept. 15, the day Battle is scheduled for trial.
I will come clean and say I had no idea what “incontinence” meant. I assumed it was a form of dementia, but that’s because I’m a recovering ageist. Fortunately, I keep a pocket Medical Dictionary close by at all times. Here’s more:
Battle has said she was at her bank, next to Bienville Square in downtown Mobile, on June 3 when a teller refused to let her use the bathroom. Battle tried to make it to a public restroom across the park but couldn’t get there in time.
The woman lost control of her bladder as she walked, so she ducked into bushes next to a small building. But the building was a one-room police substation manned by a cadet, who called for an officer and had her arrested.
The woman was taken to jail, booked on a charge of public lewdness and released on $500 bail. The charge carries a maximum penalty of three months in jail and a $500 fine.
In anticipation of a trial, Battle said she had been saving money. She wasn’t able to pay her phone bill, so the service was cut off.
“I was trying to save,” she told the newspaper.
I think I speak for public urinators everywhere when I say, “Lula Mae, we appreciate your sacrifice on behalf of all Americans. Good luck, and best of health to you and yours!”
“It comes perilously close to negotiating with terrorists,” Bolton told AFP when asked about Bill Clinton’s trip to secure the release of journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee.
“I think this is a very bad signal because it does exactly what we always try and avoid doing with terrorists, or with rogue states in general, and that’s encouraging their bad behavior,” Bolton said.
SEOUL, South Korea – North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has issued a “special pardon” to two American journalists convicted of sneaking into the country illegally, and he ordered them released during a visit by former U.S. President Bill Clinton, North Korean media reported early Wednesday.
Ok, ok. It’s great these two women will be released, but what price did we pay for “negotiating?” This is not my area of expertise. Apparently, obstructing Congress’ investigation into “negotiating with terrorists” wasn’t dangerous when Bolton was at the D.O.J. But now? God help us.
In fact, Bolton’s fervent support of the Bush Doctrine would be comical if he wasn’t held in such high esteem by Conservative editorial outlets such as WaPo and the WSJ.
Joe Cirincioni writes:
John Bolton had eight years to test his theories. He failed. The Bush Doctrine he helped develop held that nuclear weapons don’t kill people, hostile regimes do. Instead of trying to reduce and eliminate nuclear weapons, we would eliminate regimes. The Iraq War was the first implementation of this strategy.
Bolton and others claimed that the war was intended not just to remove an urgent nuclear threat but to deter others. When Bolton was asked in mid-2003 what lesson other nations should draw from the Iraq War, he replied, “Take a number.” The message was clear: abandon your programs or face overthrow.The strategy backfired. Both Iran and North Korea — two countries that, unlike Iraq, actually had nuclear programs — accelerated their efforts. Both made more progress in nuclear programs in the past six years than they had in the previous 12.
So why do people still treat him like some sage diplomatic and military (never served) expert? Perhaps it’s his comedic timing and cavalier attitude regarding the destruction of my hometown. Hilarious…!
The 82-year-old pope fell in his mountain chalet and fractured his right wrist. He had surgery at a local hospital on July 17 and spent the rest of his two-week vacation in a cast.
“Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders,” Benedict said.
If there’s one thing Pope Joey Ratz knows, it’s following orders.
“Perhaps the Lord wanted to teach me more patience and humility, give me more time for prayer and meditation,” the pope added.
Yes, Your Eminence, the Lord may have seen this as an Obama-like “teaching moment.” On the other hand, since you’re a bad man, I think God is just not that into you. Watch your back, Pops.
A group called “Patients First,” a project of the lobbyist-funded Americans for Prosperity, has been going around the country and hosting tea parties in opposition to “government-run health care.” Last week, they held a symposium in Salisbury, MD, and warned about the dangers of “socialized” medicine. Yesterday, some individuals decided to protest outside Democratic Rep. Frank Kratovil’s office, even though he hasn’t yet come out in favor of a public option. Protesters even hung up Kratovil in effigy.
The interesting part (beyond the quasi-threat to a public official) is that Rep. Kratovil has not come out in favor of a “public option,” or any particular health care plan. This is supposed to persuade (threaten?) Kratovil into voting against health care reform.
If this doesn’t work, the A.F.P definitely has a plan B: Sleeping with Kratovil’s wife.
The Ex-Governor demonstrates (1) her lack of intellectual curiosity or (2) her uncanny ability to evasively bullshit a straightforward question:
As to whether another pursuit for national office, as when she joined Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., in the race for the White House less than a year ago, would result in the same political blood sport, Palin said there was a difference between the White House and what she had experienced in Alaska. If she were in the White House, she said, the “department of law” would protect her from baseless ethical allegations.
“I think on a national level, your department of law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we’ve been charged with and automatically throw them out,” she said.
The “Department of Law” – where all your problems just melt away. On a related note - If Palin makes it to the White House, she indicated that she, Todd and the kids would be able to start the day on a much more effective note thanks to the “Department of Breakfast.”
Nancy (Cancer), Jim Baker (Taurus), Reagan (Aquarius) Statue
A beautiful day in Washington and a crowd packed with Reagan era-policymakers looked on as a Bronze Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda. For video of John Boehner crying, click here. I’m not kidding. He is the Orange Crocodile.
In other non-related Reagan news, I came across a fascinating article regarding the Reagans and Astrology. Veracity aside, it would explain a lot.
On one level, maybe it’s not such a big deal that Ronnie and Nancy went to weekly astrology classes and ‘zodiac parties’ in the fifties and sixties. Or that Reagan signed legislation as governor declassifying ‘licensed’ astrologers as fortune-tellers, thus allowing them to receive compensation for their, uh, ‘craft’. But sweat beads start to form when you read former advisor Donald Regan reveal that Reagan’s entire schedule was based around White House astrologer Joan Quigley’s advice about planetary alignment. This caused embarrassment for the staff more than once, when they would have to explain arbitrary changes in the itinerary without giving away the game. And there’s evidence we can thank astrology for the picking of George H.W. Bush as VP as well. Joyce Jillson says she was paid $1200 to pick the vice president from a list of seven names. The elder Bush’s response to this:
“I don’t know about that,” he said. “But I will tell you one thing: There are two edges to this sword. There are a helluva lot of people across this country that read these columns. Otherwise they would not be in the papers.”
Not sure what makes that a double-edged sword, but I’m glad he wasn’t overly bothered by the fact that he was picked for the position of second-most powerful person on the planet essentially at random. Putting aside the unnerving knowledge that the president who relied on such gobbledygook was the same man with his finger on the button, there is the high comedy of the Christian Right embracing an avid astrology buff. The same folks that love to reinvent Barack Obama as a radical Muslim utterly ignored Reagan’s enthusiastic adoption of a practice they consider demonic idolatry. Ah, well.
And in death, let us celebrate Reagan’s life in a way he would appreciate – with his horoscope via this week’s The Onion:
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
It’s okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it’s not as if you were even hired there.
The New York Times featured an article today on the new phenomena sweeping over America’s adolescents: hugging. According to the article, occurrences of hugging are so widespread that some schools have banned hugging or limited hugging to the “three second rule.” This means that at these schools, eating food off the ground is now more acceptable than showing affection for a friend.
The article breaks down some hug-lingo as well:
There is the basic friend hug, probably the most popular, and the bear hug, of course. But now there is also the bear claw, when a boy embraces a girl awkwardly with his elbows poking out.
There is the hug that starts with a high-five, then moves into a fist bump, followed by a slap on the back and an embrace.
There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.
The article does leave out my personal favorite – “The Leaning Tower.” This is where a boy hugs a girl he likes, making heavy contact from the waist-up while leaning out with his lower body so as to hopefully avoid her noticing his erection.
For its price, this bottle contains more interesting complications than I am capable of harnessing in the limited space provided. Despite the cloudy threads that crisscross this vintage, Blackstone sends out some supremely positive vibes. The first two glasses stand out as impressive tangents that skillfully mediate the rest of the bottle’s oldtime tannins.
Drinking this wine is not unlike taking a lazy, yet unpredictable river jaunt with Dennis Hopper’s character in Apocalypse Now.
A while back, I posted this mind-bender: Who’s more annoying…
…on their cell phones? Yuppie white girls, or overweight black females under 40?
It’s a close call. I try to analyze while on the bus. The frequency is roughly the same. The OBFs are definitely louder, but the YWGs excessive duration of talk is impressively horrible.
It always seem like the OBFs conversations are more important and necessary, while the YWGs never yak about anything pressing, unless you consider the color of bridesmaids’ dresses must-have info. However, ironically, if you strictly read partial transcripts of each stereotypical conversation the YWGs would invariably seem to be having life or death conversations. (“Oh my God! No Way” vs. “I don’t fucking care.”)
I guess I don’t have an answer. I’ll tell you who never talks on their phones in public – elderly asian men. do they even have phones? who knows – and that’s the point. God bless you, gentle kings of courtesy.
I have had more than a year to ponder this conundrum. And it wasn’t easy. The sheer volume of OBFs talking shit about some co-worker who ate their Cheetos in the break-room was enough to keep them in running. But this one is over. It’s “Yuppie White Girls” with a decisive victory. What is it about them? Even when YWGs are not texting, or obliviously gabbing about some mundane bullshit, they are holding onto their phone like Linus to his blanket. What’s the deal? Who are you waiting to hear from? Don’t you realize you’re in public and the last thing someone coming home from work wants to hear about is how ‘the stupid girl at Starbucks totally messed up’ your order, or how you ‘think he might just need some more time.’
Unless you’re talking about lesbian experimentation in your college years, maybe keep it to yourself.
#1: No one has ever claimed Bud Selig injected Barry Bonds in the ass with Durabolin, or that he helped Mark McGuire apply Proactiv to his pock-marked face. But, poor Bud. His feelings are really hurt. Quite possibly, the innocent victim of a crazy “witch-hunt.” Or something.
“I don’t want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn’t care about it,” Selig said. “That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I’m sensitive to the criticism. The reason I’m so frustrated is, if you look at our whole body of work, I think we’ve come farther than anyone ever dreamed possible.”
Let’s see. Bud Selig, acting commissioner 1992-1998. Commissioner, 1998-present. When MLB resurrected itself in the late-90s, largely due to the gaudy HR numbers put up by the triumvirate of juice – McGuire, Sosa and Bonds, Bud Selig loved the camera. He loved taking credit. And baseball has enjoyed a huge comeback. The MLB set attendance records in 2007, and almost again last year.
Ken Caminiti admitted to using steroids in ‘02. He claimed 1/2 of MLB players are users. In 2005, MLB finally instituted a collectively-bargained drug policy. What does Bud say?
“Starting in 1995, I tried to institute a steroid policy,” Selig said. “Needless to say, it was met with strong resistance. We were fought by the union every step of the way.”
Strange, I’m pretty sure Bud would have a hard time coming up with evidence to support that. While Donald Fehr and the Players’ Union
Oh my God, you irritate the hell out of me.
are certainly as culpable as the MLB, the job to protect the integrity of the game + properly manage the league lies with the Commissioner’s office. He has done nothing but turn a blind eye. And that “annoys the you know what out of me.”
He then states:
“They all told me none of them ever saw it in the clubhouses and that their players never spoke about it,” Selig said. “[Padres CEO] Sandy Alderson, as good a baseball man as you’ll find, was convinced it was the bat. Others were convinced it was the ball. So a lot of people didn’t know.”
If no one knew, then why did you try to institute a steroid policy in 1995? It’s the bat. It’s the ball. It’s Gary Gaetti in the clutch. Which is it, you sanctimonious douchenozzle?
You may ask, ‘Why would he turn the other way?’ Well, there’s no need to “rock the boat” when you cleared over$18 million in 2007.
#2. The 2nd Douchenozzle of the week needs no introduction. He’s one of the 4 players that made more than Bud last year.
Though I’ve always been very far from feeling sorry for him, until today I was reluctant to pile on ARod. First of all, the Union seriously messed up in allowing the results of an “anonymous” test to be released. Second, over 100 other players tested positive, but I haven’t heard a peep about any of them. Where’s the outrage over Brady Anderson?! Too soon? Too late? I guarantee his First Response Home Steroid Test either came up blue, or had a “plus-sign.” But those are different issues altogether.
ARod’s “prepared statement” today was epic in it’s bullshit + typical in its failure to take responsibility. A couple of highlights:
Rodriguez said his cousin introduced him to “boli,” saying it was an over-the-counter substance in the Dominican Republic. From 2001 until 2003 with Texas, he said his cousin injected him about twice a month during six-month cycles to get an energy boost.
“I didn’t think they were steroids,” he said. “That’s again part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter. It was pretty simple.”
“All these years I never thought I did anything wrong.”
2 problems with this. First, he failed to identify his “cousin.” One reason may be because he wants to protect him. Personally, I don’t think this “cousin” exists. He’s just blaming it on some random Dominican no one will be able to locate. Prove me wrong, Dateline.
Second, he pulls the Barry Bonds/Brian Roberts, “I didn’t think they were steroids”-card. This fully contradicts his initial interview with apologist and guitarist Peter Gammons, where ARod indicated he took drugs because of the pressure of his big contract. Which is it? Jesus. Won’t someone just come clean + say, “I did it. It’s wrong. I regret it. Don’t do it children. Everyone have an ice cream, on me!”
Invariably it goes like this (after the player is confronted with iron clad proof), “It was an accident.
D-Rod.
Someone else gave it to me. I didn’t know what it was. I’m sorry I got caught. Can I keep my endorsements?”
I could go on, but I’m sure this will be over-examined. It goes something like: i was naive, blah blah blah, talks about himself in the 3rd person, blah blah, sorry to my teammates.
Apparently, Pitchers, catchers and douchenozzles have all reported to Camp.
It was 9 o’clock in the morning when Matt woke up that grey Winter day, the year of our Lord 2009. And boy, did he have to piss somethin’ awful. Like I said, the hard part about the prostate exam ain’t the business of knowin’.
Matt had a cup of coffee. 2 cups maybe. By the time they tested the siren, Matt figured he should get to the gym. Of course, it would be hard gettin’ in the snow that had fallen that previous night. And my Lord, had that snow fallen like a virgin’s tears frozen crisp in time through the magnanimity of Mother Nature herself.
The truth is, Matt never did get to the gym that day.
After reading a little bit about the fat cats and over-paid athletes, Matt turned on the television. As it turned out, they was playing a Law & Order marathon on cable. So after some watchin’, he took to it pretty well. Before long, Matt was 3 episodes deep, and for the briefest of moments felt as one with Detective Briscoe, may God rest his soul. They ain’t never made a procedural crime drama that could carry the water of Dick Wolf’s divine creation.
I wish I could tell you that Matt got off the couch that day. I wish I could tell you Matt went down to the food depository and volunteered his time. I wish I could tell you he still don’t have cereal in his facial hair from the breakfast he ate 7 hours ago. But this is no fairy tale.
In the Winter of’ ‘09, ol’ Matt watched 12 straight hours of Law & Order.
I’ve had some long nights during my time, but ain’t nothing like 12 hours of tv formula wrapped nicely in separate one hour packets, each ripped from the headlines and shown so that the worst of human nature can be displayed for all who care to look, like a full Moon herself.
I like to think that Matt solved all the mysteries by the midway point of each episode. But that ain’t true. Sometimes it makes me sad, but then I remind myself that he loves the surprise endings, the fork in the road where the truth is divulged from the mystery, the veil cast off, the butterfly emerging from its cocoon of intrigue. I guess I just miss Lenny too.
Like I said, in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by 2 separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. But I guess maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I’m not too into fashion. Don’t know the current culinary trends. Try to avoid the trendy lounges and their exotic watermelon cocktails. Have no idea what stupid name some celebrity gave her adopted Burmese daughter. In general, I’m pretty oblivious.
One thing I am into, however, is “Pop” vocabulary. And with the election, 2008 was pretty swell. Who could forget the well-worn word “change?” And of course, the lovely couching term, “my friends.” We had a fleeting affair with the term “throw ___ under the bus.” And Sarah Palin provided us with priceless lingo virtually every time she opened her trap. Maverick.
But 2009 is starting hot. It already has a word we can believe in. That word? TAINT.
Governor Blagojevich is perhaps most responsible for bringing “taint” to the forefront of our lexicon. He is truly a force, tainting everyone in his path. I walked by City Hall and was struck with taint-splash-back by some mid-level bureaucrat who had only a couple encounters with the governor in ‘06. That’s a lot of taint!
The primary definition in Websters lists “taint” as a verb. But let’s be honest. The word is resilient. “Taint” will not be shackled by the rules of language or its etymology. Like the word “fuck,” people are using “taint” in may different ways. Literally, “taint” is all over the place.
Now everyone is getting into the action. Using lies and baseless speculation, the far right is claiming Al Franken’s election is tainted. Apparently, copious amounts of freezing taint exist in Minnesota.
Back in Chicago, John Kass continues to claim Obama has the sick stench of Chicago-political-machine-taint on him, although failing to provide real evidence as to the time and place of this taint attachment.
It’s just a matter of time before New York’s new senator joins Roland Burris on the Senate’s new “Taint Appropriations Committee.”
For people with juvenile minds like mine, if the trend endures, 2009 will be an excellent year for double entendres and creating sentences.
For instance,
“After losing my job, I decided to purchase the tainted milk at a discount.”
or
“Don’t taint me with your questionable ethics, Count Chocula!”
and then
“I will have a large vanilla, skim latte. Hold the taint.”
and of course,
“When he hit a pothole while riding his unicycle, Charlie bruised his taint.”
Recently, a young lady generously gifted me $30 itunes gift card in recognition of my 30th birthday. She suggested it may be a good idea to get 1 song from each year of my life. I thought that was an excellent idea. And considering that (like President Bush) I spent much of my 20s in an alcohol-induced haze, it may be a smart idea to get some of these reflections down on paper.
The only issue is that I do own a lot of music, so most of the songs + albums I like, I already own. But we move forward nonetheless, starting in 1978, and praying I wasn’t conceived in the aftermath of a ”key party.”
1978: Glory (Television): This song truly kicks ass and may have been released in anticipation of my triumphant birth. From what I remember, I was born in December. 2 weeks later, serial killer John Wayne Gacy finally confessed to his lawyers that he raped and killed 33 boys/men after months of denial to authorities. Apparently, he lost the urge to kill after he heard about the beautiful young boy with the lopsided head born 2 weeks earlier in Grandrapids, Michigan…Too soon?
1979: The Ballad of Lucy Jordan (Marianne Faithful): This was actually written by Shel Silverstein, whose amazing books filled me with both wonder and an occasional nightmare. The synth-pep of this song masks a depressing downer. Little known fact: this was the song that played in the background when Margaret Thatcher was sworn in as Prime Minister that year.
1980: Romeo & Juliet (Dire Straits): As a child of the ’90s with a burgeoning comfort with his own sexuality, I was first exposed to this song through the Indigo Girls. It gave me a feeling of warmth, yet not nearly as warm as how Richard Pryor must’ve felt when he burned his face freebasing coke in June, 1980. Later on, I came to enjoy the Dire Straits’ original just as much. Great to get this back in the catalogue. Thanks Jana!
1981: Tainted Love (Soft Cell): Have you ever heard of Soft Cell? Me neither. But I doubt anyone had heard of John Hinkley before he shot Reagan in the chest in March, 1981. Yet their legacies carry on….
1982: Here I Go Again (Whitesnake): In 1982, the family moved from Michigan to Kansas City, Kansas. I’m sure this song was big there. Maybe not “George Brett” big, but probably “Dan Quisenberry” big. Certainly, many midwesterners suffered from what “Quiz” once referred to as “sore armness” from too much air guitar.
1983: Soldier’s Things (Tom Waits): At the end of 1983, the family moved back to Chicago, but this time to the suburbs. And I came with! This song reminds me of that song “these are a few of my favorite things,” but less obnoxious and more depressing. Fun fact: On September 5, 1983, Tom Brokaw became lead anchor of the NBC news. And he still won’t go away.
