Gratuitous Video: Paula Deen Hit In Face With Ham

This hog gets vengeance from beyond the grave.

Paula may not create many tasty recipes, but she certainly seems like a “good sport” in this incident.  However, I can’t help thinking she deserved it.  Finally some retribution for abominations like this:

Exactly What It Looks Like

Beautiful People [Update]

Like Millard Fillmore, Michael Bay, and the 2004 USA “Dream Team,” I have brought shame to America.

As you can read here,  I attempted to join an exclusive community of over 500,000 people. I put myself out there for the World and suffered international rejection.  Here’s the note from beautifulpeople.com:

Do you wish to apply again?

Dear [Me],

Unfortunately, your application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful [emphasis theirs].

The members of BeautifulPeople did not find your profile application attractive enough this time round.

You are more than welcome to try again with a better picture of yourself.

To modify the content and picture in your profile and re-submit it for rating, simply follow these quick steps:

Open your Edit Profile Page:

Change your profile picture, and modify your profile text to make it more appealing to the voting members.

When you have completed modifying your profile, send it back to “rating” by clicking the “Vote me again” button below.
Please note that continuously re-submitting your application for rating, without modifying your profile, will result in your removal from the Network altogether. We advise you to change your profile picture before re-submitting your application.

Have you updated your profile?

It’s clear this is the product of anti-American sentiment. “Better Picture?”  ”Make it more appealing?”  How dare they try to change me?!  Once my ego is mended, I’m getting back on the horse and taking it to a whole new level:

you're how old?

Multimedia Friday: People From Jersey

A couple months ago, Don Paul Pro did a nice treatment to one of my posts.  I’ve been meaning to share.  Here you go:

Original post here.

 

Friday, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Today’s Least Surprising Headline

Obese SC man dies after 8 months in home recliner

Authorities say a severely overweight South Carolina man stayed in his recliner without moving for eight months until shortly before his death.

Firefighters had to cut Tillmon Webb from the chair after his mother called paramedics because he was in pain. Greenwood County deputies say the 33-year-old weighed about 800 pounds when he died Wednesday at a hospital.

Webb’s wife, Ada, says he died of a heart attack. She says the former preacher injured his knee in March and then stayed in his power recliner at home 70 miles west of Columbia. She says she cleaned the chair daily.

Deputies say Webb had sores on his body and a “very bad odor.”

Webb’s wife says he didn’t want help because he was ready to go to heaven and see Jesus. She says he weighed closer to 500 pounds.

Hopefully Jesus didn’t have to carry the Late Mr. Webb past the threshold.

In related news:

WOMAN WITH BLUETOOTH HEADSET A TOTAL BITCH

We Get It.

 

JAPANESE TOURIST TAKES A LOT OF PICTURES

MAN ON BICYCLE FOR 22 STRAIGHT HOURS HAS SORE ‘TAINT’

CAUCASIANS AT SARAH PALIN APPEARANCE

and…

PRIEST ABSTINENT FOR 14 YEARS MASTURBATES FURIOUSLY

Early Life Lessons

It’s about time children learned that it’s not important what’s in your head, but what’s in your wallet.

Administrators have nixed a North Carolina middle school’s cash-for-grades fundraiser. The News & Observer of Raleigh reported Wednesday that Wayne County school administrators have halted the plan at Rosewood Middle School in Goldsboro.

The school was offering 20 test points to students in exchange for a $20 donation. Rosewood principal Susie Shepherd had said that she approved the idea after a parent advisory council presented it as a way to raise money. Shepherd rejected the suggestion that extra points on two tests could make a difference in a final grade.

School district administrators said no extra credit will be awarded and that any donated money will be returned.

Good for you, Rosewood Middle School.  I say, let the free market decide who succeeds academically.  If a kid doesn’t want to learn how to multiply fractions, who cares? It doesn’t matter.  Simple addition and subtraction will allow him to toss the teacher a $50 so he can get a good grade.   After all, how is he supposed to learn that the only way to get out of his future DUI and tax evasion arrests will be to hire the most expensive lawyer with the most flexible ethics?

Is it rope-climb day in gym class?

Here’s 20 bucks, Mr. Kowalski.  I’ll be sitting on the bleachers looking up porn on the iphone my mom gave me for emergencies.

You get the picture.  Administrators were on the right track.  There is no budget crisis too small that shouldn’t allow for the exploitation of America’s education system.

Help Yourself. Help The World. Then Brag About How You’re A Wonderful Person.

Last Monday, I received a pre-approved Credit Card offer, 2 offers for magazine subscriptions, a letter from my health insurer, and a ransom letter written in lamb’s blood.  But it was a good day because I didn’t get anything from Pottery Barn – the Devil’s home-furnishing store.  I’ve never even been to the Pottery Barn! Still, I wasn’t satisfied.

Today, Gratuitous World stops spewing nonsense and stealing your soul for a couple minutes, to give you some helpful advice on how to remove yourself from mailing lists and junk mail.

Here’s some plagarism:

• Junk mail destroys 100 million trees a year — the equivalent of deforesting all of Rocky Mountain National Park every four months.
• Largely due to deforestation, junk mail manufacturing creates as much greenhouse gas emissions annually as 3.7 million cars.
• More than half of unsolicited mail is discarded unread or unopened; the response rate is less than 2%.
• Junk mail creates four million tons of unnecessary waste per year.
• Calculating the weight of the junk mail trash from EPA data, it works out to 13.4% of 1276 pounds per household; that’s 170 pounds of trash per household per year.
• Don’t just think about the waste that junk mail produces; consider the energy required to produce the mail, and the emissions required to transport it to your home. And even if it gets recycled in the end, a great deal of energy is expended in the recycling process.

Credit Card Applications

Getting bent over by the credit card companies isn’t difficult.  But that doesn’t mean you have to read their love letters. Name and address are all that are necessary:

Opt-Out Pre-Screen will ensure no pre-approved applications arrive in the mail. The online form is accepted without having to enter your Social Security Number. (Available to US residents only.) 

I did the on-line, 5-year opt-out. It took 2 minutes.

Virtually all credit card and insurance companies get your mailing and credit information from one of the three major national credit bureaus, who share their lists between one another. Pursuant to the federal Fair Credit Reporting Act (1997), consumers can call any one of the credit bureaus, and upon request can have their name removed from all three lists.

• Equifax : PO Box 740123, Atlanta, GA 30374-0123 – Phone: (888) 567-8688
• Experian: Target Marketing Services Division, 12606 Greenville Ave, Dallas, TX 75243 – Phone: (800) 353-0809
• TransUnion: 555 West Adams Street, Chicago, IL 60661 – Phone: (800) 680-7293

Direct Marketing Association

The Direct Marketing Association is apparently responsible for 75% of all national mailings that come to your home.   By calling or writing them and requesting that you be added to their Do Not Mail List, your name won’t be on the many mail order sales companies that use the D.M.A. to generate mailing lists.

Valpak Coupons

Visit Cox Target Media to remove your name.  Unless you really want that $5 off a $100+ oil change.

Catalogs

Catalog Choice will remove you from many (if not most) catalog mailing lists. 

Cut the cord, kids.

 

Douchenozzle Of The Week

If there’s one organization that can demand pious morality from others, yet  still blame others for its own misdeeds, it’s the Catholic Church.

Enter Bill Donahue, president of the Catholic League, and all-around hateful jackass, who the Washington Post just allows to go on a fact-free, juvenile rant.  Some highlights:

Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, “Thou Shalt Not.” But they continue with their death-style anyway ….

Thou Shalt Not Commit Douchebaggery.

Totally!  When I lube up my group sex partners and strap on the ball-gag, the only thing going through my mind is 80-year old Sister Mary (my 3rd grade teacher), and our complicated lust/hate relationship. It’s all about Catholicism!  Actually, it’s you Bill. I can’t stop thinking of you. You and St. Fiacre, patron saint of  hemorrhoids sufferers (true).

But I guess it’s just adult, consensual, out-of-wedlock, non-missionary, secular fucking that should be shamed and condemned.  Because, as we both know, Mr. Donahue never met a Catholic child-molester for whom he couldn’t make excuses……..

Douchenozzle’s Checklist for American decay:  The Sexually Active? Check.  Ok, moving on – Hollywood:

There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone. Now they just insult. And when someone finally makes a film that makes Christians proud, he is run out of town. Were it not for Mel Gibson, there would have been no “Passion of the Christ.” But for every Harvey Weinstein who likes to bash Catholics, there is always someone else waiting in the wings to do the same ….

I understand Bill’s job is to “spin,” but Jesus Christ (no pun),  there’s no way this asshead can honestly believe Mel Gibson was “run out of town”  because of The Passion.  For God’s sake, people gave him money to do Apocalypto.  No mention of the lesser-known, anti-Mayan prejudice of Hollywood Jews.

Gibson tarnished his own reputation by getting trashed and making public his hostile anti-Semitism.  But it’s all a symbol of Catholic persecution because Harvey Weinstein produced a movie with an evil priest.

Maybe Donahue is just upset because he went to the “casting couch” with a Hollyowood producer who promised him a role in the next Flomax commercial. Sad.

Okay, moving on to  liberals + gays + philanthropists:

Catholics were once the mainstay of the Democratic Party; now the gay activists are in charge. Indeed, practicing Catholics are no longer welcome in leadership roles in the Party: the contempt that pro-life Catholics experience is palpable. The fact that Catholics for Choice, a notoriously anti-Catholic front group funded by the Ford Foundation, has a close relationship with the Democrats says it all ….

Yes, Democrats despise Catholics.  You know, arch-enemies like John Kerry, Joe Biden, and Ted Kennedy.

The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.

This guy is so out-of-touch it’s unbelievable.  Doesn’t he know we’re all aborting dogs, walking kids, and eschewing baths altogether?

Bill has a classic Perseuction Complex.  Look, asshole, this isn’t the 1920s.  I will refrain from retelling the history of anti-Catholicism, but let’s make one thing clear:  Calling out the Church’s criminal conspiracy to cover-up the pedophilia of their priests does not constitute  persecution.  It constitutes appropriate indignation at the most despicable behavior attributable to humans.  Where’s your moral compass, Dbag?

You can fight your imaginary culture wars all you want.  At the end of the day, only a miniscule pack  of drones will pick up the pitchforks to follow you.  And at the end of the day, you’ll still be a Douchenozzle.

Pitchfork Reviews The Cheap Bottle Of Wine I Drank Last Night – 2007 Vinos Piñol Ludovicus

Mas o Menos

 

2007 Vinos Piñol Ludovicus – 5.9

___________________________

Ludovicus nearly attains a balance of cohesion and chaos. Taking less risks than its predecessor, it still offers the same tattered simplicity and battered delivery that create such warmly imperfect aromas.

 

  

 

 While it is clear that, as Ludovicus tames and grooms its unruly aesthetic, it does not attempt to achieve the clarity of, for example, Imogen Heap.

 

 

 It’s hard not to feel the vineyard’s dry winds of irony in latter tastes of the bottle.  While manifesting in linear paths that never venture far from poignance, one can’t help view this bottle as fostering a sense of resignation.

Caption This

Holy shit, I’m not sure if Clinton still “has it” but these two cooze-hounds could’ve had an epic night on the town. 

Best Pull Out My Strap And Lay Them Huskies Down

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Fucking Cat People.

MONTGOMERY — A Montgomery man is alleged to have shot and killed a resident’s dog after mistaking it for coyotes running after his cats, Montgomery police said.

Police have charged Russell Kreeger, 43, of the 1300 block of Crown Drive, with criminal damage to property and discharging a firearm.

At about 12:29 a.m. Sunday, police were dispatched to the area of Crown Drive and Dawn Avenue near Phillips Park for a report of shots fired.

After conducting an investigation, police allege that Kreeger shot his 9mm handgun twice at what he thought were two coyotes that were going after his cats in his yard. Police say Kreeger instead shot and killed a husky belonging to another resident.

Kreeger is set to appear in Aurora branch court on Nov. 19.

Shoot first, empty litter box later.

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

Han-sanity

The Hard-Partying, Devil-May-Care Hanson Brothers

Just another night on the road with the craziest band in America: Hanson.

A House of Blues security guard was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of battery after he allegedly struck a woman in the face during a scuffle caught on video outside the downtown music club Monday night, officials said.

Darrell Gibson II, 31, of Sauk Village, was involved in an altercation with a woman resulting in minor injuries to her, said Roderick Drew, spokesman for the Chicago Police Department…

A video posted on YouTube on Tuesday showed a woman getting knocked down by a security guard after a shouting match. The woman was angry because her camera was confiscated. At one point, the guard is heard saying “back the — up off me” and the woman later says “call 911, seriously!”

Seriously.  Do not get between a Hanson fan and her fucking camera. She totally needs to update her status with that Marquee photo, like, yesterday.

GW hates the H.O.B.  but doesn’t want to judge.  If you want to go to an over-priced and likely over-sold show, run by delusional over-important asshats, then pay $8 for a lukewarm can of Bud Light – it’s the place for you.

But a couple things.

Hanson’s still together? Good for them.  Some of their longtime fans must have kids who are really into Hanson.

Darrell Gibson? I don’t know if you’ll be spending any time in the clink. But in the prison hierarchy, I’m pretty sure battery of a Hanson fan rates somewhere below serial bike theft and somewhere above sex with farm animals.  Good luck.

Ford Driver’s Child Develops ‘Truck Nuts’ Allergy

Hannigan's "Truck Nutz"

FAYETTEVILLE, AR - Larry Hannigan’s mundane life took an unexpected turn on Monday, when he discovered his 10-month old child, Henry, had developed a Truck Nuts allergy.

Following a recent family trip to Ozark National Forest in the family’s Truck Nuts-adorned Ford F-150 pickup truck, Hannigan noticed a rash consuming much of Henry’s body.

“At first, I thought it might’ve been some poison oak from the camping we were doing,” Hannigan said. “But then I took little Hank in the Ford over to Home Depot the other day, and the same thing happened.”

After some tests, it was determined Henry has an allergy to Truck Nuts, the plastic truck accessory resembling human testicles inside a scrotum.  Truck Nuts first appeared in the United States in 1998 and first sold on the internet in 1999.

Hannigan’s wife Betsy expressed alarm at the diagnosis.  “Never in a million years did I even think a child could even have an allergic reaction to something like that.  We’re definitely going to have to be more careful.”

Asked whether her child’s allergy meant the family would remove the accessory in question, Ms. Hannigan wasn’t as definitive.  “I don’t know,” pondered Betsy.  “Larry sure loves those Nuts.  He used to spend hours tinkering with that truck. Now, everytime I look out in the driveway he’s rubbing Armor-All on those things.”

Occurences of Truck Nuts allergies have become increasingly common in certain regions of the United States, particularly south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Henry receives traditional treatment for allergic reaction to "Truck Nuts."

Management of Truck Nuts allergies depends on strict avoidance of Truck Nuts. For young children, this usually depends on the of care of interested adults.  There are some places, however, where it may be especially difficult to avoid Truck Nuts. These include NASCAR races, Shoney’s restaurants, and Wal-Mart parking lots. 

Hannigan indicated he has no plans to get rid of the truck or the Truck Nuts. 

“Look, the most important thing to me is Hank’s health,” Hannigan told reporters.  “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to castrate my pride and joy just because the little guy is getting itchy.  I mean, all my friends co-workwers have seen the Nuts.  What kind of man would I be to let some uppity doctor tell me what to do with my Ford? I bought the damn thing.”

Hannigan concluded, ”I’d still rather have a kid with a Nuts allergy than drive a Chevy.”

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Gratuitous Video: Oblivious Child Also Adorable!

Little kid apparently wants to give ball to little kid.

Hobonin’

I would like to point out this occurred in the daylight:

Sep 15th, 2009 | WICHITA, Kan. — A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at pocket knifepoint. Police said two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6 p.m. Saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings. Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.

Police said one of the robbers was a 64-year-old man who egged his 59-year-old companion on during the robbery.

The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.

Come waste your time with me.

What 2 jewelry-clad people and 150 pounds of garbage do in a dumpster is their own damn business.  These savage criminals have no respect for those with no self-respect. Shame.

 

 

 

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U.S. Needs Mythical Border Patrol

Back when I waited tables, I worked with a lot of Mexicans.  Only one thing scared them - not the Minutemen, not Immigration, and not swimming in their jeans.  That one thing? The mythical Chupacabra.  If I was real busy and needed some salads quickly run out to a table, I would sneak up behind the busboy or food-runner and yell “Chupacabra! Chupacabra!”  The usual reaction would be a giggle/yelp followed by some high-stepping out of the kitchen.  Worked every time.

What is the Chupacabra, you ask?  Though theories vary, the boys from Zacatecas tended to describe it as a reptile-like thing. Here’s wikipedia:

The Chupacabra or Chupacabras (pronunciation: /tʃupa’kabɾa/, from the Spanish words chupar, meaning “to suck”, and cabra, meaning “goat”; literally “goat sucker”), also called El Chupacabras in Spanish, is a legendary cryptid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas. It is associated more recently with sightings of an allegedly unknown animal in Puerto Rico(where these sightings were first reported), Mexico, and the United States, especially in the latter’s Latin American communities.^[1] The name comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats.

The most common description of Chupacabra is a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back.^[19] This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo.^[20] In at least one sighting, the creature was reported to hop 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench.^[20]When it screeches, some reports assert that the chupacabra’s eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

Another description of Chupacabra, although not as common, describes a strange breed of wild dog.^[20]This form is mostly hairless and has a pronounced spinal ridge, unusually pronounced eye sockets, fangs, and claws. It is claimed that this breed might be an example of a dog-like reptile. Unlike conventional predators, the chupacabra is said to drain all of the animal’s blood (and sometimes organs) through a single hole or two holes.^[21]

Apparently, though undocumented Mexicans are currently exiting the U.S., the chupacabras may be looking for seasonal work.   

A man living north of San Antonio says he has quite the animal sitting in his freezer — and it may be a mythical chupacabra. Jerry Ayer, a teacher at the Blanco Taxidermy School in Blanco, Texas, told TV station KSAT that he’s never seen anything like it.

 ”Different, that’s for sure, very interesting,” said Ayer.

 The find comes amid a number of strange sightings in the area. The animal is gray in color with leathery, hairless skin and large fangs. “The front legs seem to be a little bit longer than a typical coyote, very irregular and never seen any that have legs like that,” said Ayer. Similar animals have been spotted across the country and deep in South America. A man living north of San Antonio says he has quite the animal sitting in his freezer — and it may be a mythical chupacabra.

 Jerry Ayer, a teacher at the Blanco Taxidermy School in Blanco, Texas, told TV station KSAT that he’s never seen anything like it.

 ”Different, that’s for sure, very interesting,” said Ayer.

 The find comes amid a number of strange sightings in the area. The animal is gray in color with leathery, hairless skin and large fangs.

 ”The front legs seem to be a little bit longer than a typical coyote, very irregular and never seen any that have legs like that,” said Ayer.  

awwww...

 

Now I’ve seen a few animals in my time.  This particular one looks like the legendary “dog.”  Where are the lizard-like features? It’s like finding out Santa Claus is just your drunk uncle with a fake beard.

However, I’m sure one non-Texan segment of American society is excited: Hollywood.  Following the unexplainable success of Beverly Hills Chihuaua, I’m picturing a “Chupacabra Goes to the Big Apple” type of franchise. 

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KFC Joins Healthcare Debate

I'll take two.

Evidently, KFC was not content leading the culinary world in fast-food-bowl technology.  They now offer something for the carb-conscious fat-ass in all of us.

KFC is now offering a “sandwich” which consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken as a bun instead of bread.

According to Fox News, the “sandwich” is being test-marketed in only two areas so far, Rhode Island and Nebraska.

KFC’s competitors will not sit idly by while the Colonel corners the market on meat-bun treats.  Expect these products to soon be offered to obese Americans everywhere:

 McDonald’s Big Mac-Nugget:  Tired of using both hands to eat your Big Mac?  McDonald’s will take the sandwich, process it, and deep fry it with extra trans-fat!  Served with a BBQ, Honey Mustard, or extra Special Sauce for dipping.

Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twist Pork Rinds:  Calling all diabetics!  Get after it.

Hardee’s “Omaha” Burger:  1/2 pound burger between two chicken-fried steaks and topped with sausage gravy. Served with a side of maple syrup and a 1/2 ounce of self-respect.

Culver’s Fried Lard Curds:  Nature’s miscarriage.

Wendy’s TatoTurDucken:  The Red-Head takes her traditional bacon-cheese baked potato, stuffs it in a chicken, then a duck, then a turkey.  Deep fried and served with a pint of sour cream. Fork and knife optional.  Take it “to go” if no one is sitting in the passenger seat.

Gratuitous Video: Dancing!

Drug use has many side-effects, including fun.  Please see below.

I’m also a big fan of the dude in the KISS shirt.  Looks like he came back from a strained ACL to give it a go. What heart!

Douchenozzle Of The Week

Douchenozzle - let me count the ways.

I’m a huge Cubs fan. I’m also a huge Cubs fan that despises a lot of the “fans” that show up to Wrigley Field on a typical evening.  Case in point, this tool (above) took it upon himself to pour his $8 beer on Phillies’ CF Shane Victorino during last night’s Phillies’ rout.

Wrigley security ejected the wrong guy – the guy on the right who looks like the fat, asthmatic chipmunk.  However, today the Cubs and Victorino filed a report with the Chicago Police Department.  The CPD is now looking for this douchenozzle, and hopefully he’s found.

The bleachers at Wrigley can be a great place to watch a game.  Lately, not so much.  I thought bleacher d-bags were losing interest in the recent tradition of tossing trash on the field after a bad call or tough break late in a game.  This invariably results in a 15-minute delay where the grounds crew has to come clear the warning track of garbage.  And oh yeah, trash that was not tossed during the initial tantrum then gets thrown at the ground crew.  Class all-around.

This douchenozzle maintains this tradition.   To paraphrase WSCR host Dan Bernstein,  you know you’re an asshole when the guy in the blue Fukudome-headband is giving you the “what-the-fuck?!” look.  And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but while we’re on the subject, what’s up with adult white guys wearing slightly-off-center caps? Wipe that stupid grin off your face.  You look like a fucking asshole.

Anyone who knows this douchenozzle, please let him know he’s a fucker.  Then call the cops.

Putin The Magnificent

GW Readers, let me take you on a trip to the vast wonder that is Siberia.  You’re on the 3rd day of a hike with your Mongolian porter Naraanbatar.   Imagine you’ve developed a sleepwalking disorder and unwittingly leave your trusty Mongol in the middle of the night. You wake alone, the ground rising before you as the mountainous terrain gets steeper.  You start to freak the fuck out. After all, you have no water because you decided to fill your canteen with borscht.  But then you see it. On the horizon, a man approaches. Not just any man…

Look at that majestic animal. And he can ride a horse.

 

 

“Am I hallucinating powerful Russians?” you ask yourself.  Nope. That is really Putin. Shirtless. On A Horse.  For a staged photo-shoot.  Life-savingly weird.

 

Putin sees you and recognizes your calls for help.  He starts galloping in your direction.  Then all of a sudden he hops off the horse and jumps in a nearby lake, swimming with a purpose.  This is odd considering he’s swimming in the opposite direction.  But hey, that’s Putin, and the point is he’ll either save you or crush you.  Just don’t thank him because you might get an awkward stomach-kiss.

Show me "frolic!"

_______________

I refer you to poorluckyme for debate regarding the sexiest Euro leader.  I’ve always been a Berlusconi-man myself.  The reasons are obvious.

Gratuitous Video: Soccer Ball To The Face!

This is what happens when you try hard to impress your Coach/Father Figure.  Remember kids, never ever hustle.  It will only end in painful disappointment.

The more you know…

We Have…Ahhhhh…Precedent

When I run for office, a key part of my platform will be the legalization of public urination.  Of course, I will encourage restrictions on this right. For instance, indoor peeing should generally be frowned upon (e.g. in a Church or Planetarium).  Similarly, there should be no public urination within 100 feet of a school or post office.

Well, there are trailblazers in our midst – and believe it or not, some of them are in the Mobile, Alabama Prosecutor’s Office:

MOBILE, Ala. — City officials want to dismiss a public lewdness charge against an 81-year-old woman accused of urinating in a public park when she couldn’t make it to a bathroom.

Municipal prosecutors in Mobile filed a motion Wednesday to throw out the charge against Lula Mae Battle.  The request came amid a public outcry over the arrest of Battle, who suffers from incontinence problems.”Thank you, Jesus. Glory, Hallelujah!” Battle told the Press-Register newspaper after learning of the city’s motion.

Municipal Court administrator Pete Peterson said Thursday the judge would likely rule on the city’s motion to throw out the case on Sept. 15, the day Battle is scheduled for trial.

I will come clean and say I had no idea what “incontinence” meant. I assumed it was a form of dementia, but that’s because I’m a recovering ageist.  Fortunately, I keep a pocket Medical Dictionary close by at all times.  Here’s more:

Battle has said she was at her bank, next to Bienville Square in downtown Mobile, on June 3 when a teller refused to let her use the bathroom. Battle tried to make it to a public restroom across the park but couldn’t get there in time.

The woman lost control of her bladder as she walked, so she ducked into bushes next to a small building. But the building was a one-room police substation manned by a cadet, who called for an officer and had her arrested.

The woman was taken to jail, booked on a charge of public lewdness and released on $500 bail. The charge carries a maximum penalty of three months in jail and a $500 fine.

In anticipation of a trial, Battle said she had been saving money. She wasn’t able to pay her phone bill, so the service was cut off.

“I was trying to save,” she told the newspaper.

I think I speak for public urinators everywhere when I say, “Lula Mae, we appreciate your sacrifice on behalf of all Americans.  Good luck, and best of health to you and yours!”

Douchenozzle of the Week: People Still Listen To John Bolton?

 This is the headline that met me on yahoo.com most of the day when I checked my e-mail:  Bill Clinton rewarding NKorea for bad behavior: Bolton

According to Bolton,

“It comes perilously close to negotiating with terrorists,” Bolton told AFP when asked about Bill Clinton’s trip to secure the release of journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

“I think this is a very bad signal because it does exactly what we always try and avoid doing with terrorists, or with rogue states in general, and that’s encouraging their bad behavior,” Bolton said.

And Now?

SEOUL, South Korea – North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has issued a “special pardon” to two American journalists convicted of sneaking into the country illegally, and he ordered them released during a visit by former U.S. President Bill Clinton, North Korean media reported early Wednesday.

Ok, ok. It’s great these two women will be released, but what price did we pay for “negotiating?”  This is not my area of expertise.  Apparently, obstructing Congress’ investigation  into “negotiating with terrorists” wasn’t dangerous when Bolton was at the D.O.J.  But now? God help us.

We know Bolton has never met a problem he didn’t want to bomb.  Iraq? Bomb ‘em.  Iran? Bomb ‘em.  North Korea? Bomb ’em. Landscapers cut his lawn too short? Bomb ‘em.  Wife forgot the dry cleaning?  Bomb her.

In fact, Bolton’s fervent support of the Bush Doctrine would be comical if he wasn’t held in such high esteem by Conservative editorial outlets such as WaPo and the WSJ. 

Joe Cirincioni writes:

John Bolton had eight years to test his theories. He failed. The Bush Doctrine he helped develop held that nuclear weapons don’t kill people, hostile regimes do. Instead of trying to reduce and eliminate nuclear weapons, we would eliminate regimes. The Iraq War was the first implementation of this strategy.

Bolton and others claimed that the war was intended not just to remove an urgent nuclear threat but to deter others. When Bolton was asked in mid-2003 what lesson other nations should draw from the Iraq War, he replied, “Take a number.” The message was clear: abandon your programs or face overthrow.The strategy backfired. Both Iran and North Korea — two countries that, unlike Iraq, actually had nuclear programs — accelerated their efforts. Both made more progress in nuclear programs in the past six years than they had in the previous 12.

So why do people still treat him like some sage diplomatic and military (never served) expert?  Perhaps it’s his comedic timing and cavalier attitude regarding the destruction of my hometown.  Hilarious…!

Congrats, Douchenozzle. And go ef yourself.

Tripped By An Angel

(shudder)

Pope Benedict XVI recently took a digger. 

 

The 82-year-old pope fell in his mountain chalet and fractured his right wrist. He had surgery at a local hospital on July 17 and spent the rest of his two-week vacation in a cast.

 

“Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders,” Benedict said.

 

If there’s one thing Pope Joey Ratz knows, it’s following orders.

“Perhaps the Lord wanted to teach me more patience and humility, give me more time for prayer and meditation,” the pope added.

Yes, Your Eminence, the Lord may have seen this as an Obama-like “teaching moment.” On the other hand, since you’re a bad man, I think God is just not that into you.  Watch your back, Pops.                                                                                                                              

Questionable Persuasion Technique

Lonely Planet: Salisbury, MD

Via Thinkprogress.org:

A group called “Patients First,” a project of the lobbyist-funded Americans for Prosperity, has been going around the country and hosting tea parties in opposition to “government-run health care.” Last week, they held a symposium in Salisbury, MD, and warned about the dangers of “socialized” medicine. Yesterday, some individuals decided to protest outside Democratic Rep. Frank Kratovil’s office, even though he hasn’t yet come out in favor of a public option. Protesters even hung up Kratovil in effigy.

The interesting part (beyond the quasi-threat to a public official) is that Rep. Kratovil has not come out in favor of a “public option,” or any particular health care plan.  This is supposed to persuade (threaten?) Kratovil into voting against health care reform. 

If this doesn’t work, the A.F.P definitely has a plan B:  Sleeping with Kratovil’s wife. 

50 State Limerick – IOWA

 

World's Largest Truck Stop! Iowa's 2nd Largest Glory Hole.

 

      There Once was a man from Des Moines,

      Who was good at saving his coins.

      They subsidized his corn,

      So he could spend time with his porn,  

      And get that ol’ feelin in his loins.    

Being President Is Easy

The Ex-Governor demonstrates (1) her lack of intellectual curiosity or (2) her uncanny ability to evasively bullshit a straightforward question:

As to whether another pursuit for national office, as when she joined Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., in the race for the White House less than a year ago, would result in the same political blood sport, Palin said there was a difference between the White House and what she had experienced in Alaska. If she were in the White House, she said, the “department of law” would protect her from baseless ethical allegations.

“I think on a national level, your department of law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we’ve been charged with and automatically throw them out,” she said.

The “Department of Law” – where all your problems just melt away.  On a related note -  If Palin makes it to the White House, she indicated that she, Todd and the kids would be able to start the day on a much more effective note thanks to the “Department of Breakfast.”

Bronze Reagan

 

Nancy (Cancer), Jim Baker (Taurus), Reagan (Aquarius) Statue

A beautiful day in Washington and a crowd packed with Reagan era-policymakers looked on as a Bronze Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda. For video of John Boehner crying, click here.  I’m not kidding.    He is the Orange Crocodile. 

In other non-related Reagan news, I came across a fascinating article regarding the Reagans and Astrology.  Veracity aside, it would explain a lot.

On one level, maybe it’s not such a big deal that Ronnie and Nancy went to weekly astrology classes and ‘zodiac parties’ in the fifties and sixties. Or that Reagan signed legislation as governor declassifying ‘licensed’ astrologers as fortune-tellers, thus allowing them to receive compensation for their, uh, ‘craft’. But sweat beads start to form when you read former advisor Donald Regan reveal that Reagan’s entire schedule was based around White House astrologer Joan Quigley’s advice about planetary alignment. This caused embarrassment for the staff more than once, when they would have to explain arbitrary changes in the itinerary without giving away the game. And there’s evidence we can thank astrology for the picking of George H.W. Bush as VP as well. Joyce Jillson says she was paid $1200 to pick the vice president from a list of seven names. The elder Bush’s response to this:

“I don’t know about that,” he said. “But I will tell you one thing: There are two edges to this sword. There are a helluva lot of people across this country that read these columns. Otherwise they would not be in the papers.”

Not sure what makes that a double-edged sword, but I’m glad he wasn’t overly bothered by the fact that he was picked for the position of second-most powerful person on the planet essentially at random. Putting aside the unnerving knowledge that the president who relied on such gobbledygook was the same man with his finger on the button, there is the high comedy of the Christian Right embracing an avid astrology buff. The same folks that love to reinvent Barack Obama as a radical Muslim utterly ignored Reagan’s enthusiastic adoption of a practice they consider demonic idolatry. Ah, well.

And in death, let us celebrate Reagan’s life in a way he would appreciate – with his horoscope via this week’s The Onion:

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

It’s okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it’s not as if you were even hired there.

 

Celebrity Haiku: Chapter 1

                  Repress that rage, kid

           Unleashed all shapes and sizes

               Still hustlin’, douchebag?

Hugs: The New Gateway Contact

The New York Times featured an article today on the new phenomena sweeping over America’s adolescents: hugging.  According to the article, occurrences of hugging are so widespread that some schools have banned hugging or limited hugging to the “three second rule.”  This means that at these schools, eating food off the ground is now more acceptable than showing affection for a friend.

The article breaks down some hug-lingo as well: 

There is the basic friend hug, probably the most popular, and the bear hug, of course. But now there is also the bear claw, when a boy embraces a girl awkwardly with his elbows poking out.

There is the hug that starts with a high-five, then moves into a fist bump, followed by a slap on the back and an embrace.

There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.

The article does leave out my personal favorite – “The Leaning Tower.” This is where a boy hugs a girl he likes, making heavy contact from the waist-up while leaning out with his lower body so as to hopefully avoid her noticing his erection.

Maybe that was a mid-90s thing.

Pitchfork Reviews the Cheap Bottle of Wine I Drank Last Night – Blackstone Pinot Noir 2007

ellusive, yet vibrant...

Blackstone Winery:  2007 Pinot Noir – 7.3

For its price, this bottle contains more interesting complications than I am capable of harnessing in the limited space provided.  Despite the cloudy threads that crisscross this vintage, Blackstone sends out some supremely positive vibes. The first two glasses stand out as impressive tangents that skillfully mediate the rest of the bottle’s oldtime tannins.

Drinking this wine is not unlike taking a lazy, yet unpredictable river jaunt with Dennis Hopper’s character in Apocalypse Now.