One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson

The whole damn thing is the hardest part.

Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson – Summer of Fear

With time, this full-bodied album gains lovely leathery and black olive notes with tones ranging from herbal to peppery.

Grade:  A

Listen to this while: on the road, man. On the road.

 

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Han-sanity

The Hard-Partying, Devil-May-Care Hanson Brothers

Just another night on the road with the craziest band in America: Hanson.

A House of Blues security guard was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of battery after he allegedly struck a woman in the face during a scuffle caught on video outside the downtown music club Monday night, officials said.

Darrell Gibson II, 31, of Sauk Village, was involved in an altercation with a woman resulting in minor injuries to her, said Roderick Drew, spokesman for the Chicago Police Department…

A video posted on YouTube on Tuesday showed a woman getting knocked down by a security guard after a shouting match. The woman was angry because her camera was confiscated. At one point, the guard is heard saying “back the — up off me” and the woman later says “call 911, seriously!”

Seriously.  Do not get between a Hanson fan and her fucking camera. She totally needs to update her status with that Marquee photo, like, yesterday.

GW hates the H.O.B.  but doesn’t want to judge.  If you want to go to an over-priced and likely over-sold show, run by delusional over-important asshats, then pay $8 for a lukewarm can of Bud Light – it’s the place for you.

But a couple things.

Hanson’s still together? Good for them.  Some of their longtime fans must have kids who are really into Hanson.

Darrell Gibson? I don’t know if you’ll be spending any time in the clink. But in the prison hierarchy, I’m pretty sure battery of a Hanson fan rates somewhere below serial bike theft and somewhere above sex with farm animals.  Good luck.

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Phish

Heady Tannins, Bro!

Phish – Joy

Herbaceous, yet far from murky, this hand-harvested album certainly lives up to its name.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while:  hypothesizing on how you would be a pretty good physical therapist if it wasn’t for all the years of schooling.

 

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Avett Brothers

The Avett Brothers – I And Love And You

This album opens with a beautiful nose, and continues with mellow pepper, blackberries, and an exquisitely

sensual softness and subtlety.

Grade:  A-

Listen to this while:  Making a construction paper “Hand-Turkey” for a child.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Antlers

The Antlers – Hospice

 The nose is bright and seducing with cranberries, rhubarb, cedar, forest floor, and lilacs…and whatever.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while:  Walking home from Whole Foods on a Tuesday night.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Twilight Sad

  The Twilight Sad – Killed My Parents and Hit the Road

An album with a medium-deep ruby purple color and a long finish.

Grade: B

Listen to this while:   Trimming your sideburns.

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Gratuitous Video: Dancing!

Drug use has many side-effects, including fun.  Please see below. 

I’m also a big fan of the dude in the KISS shirt.  Looks like he came back from a strained ACL to give it a go. What heart!

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Dirty Projectors

  The Dirty Prjectors – Bitte Orca

  The album has odd notes all over the place - peppery, and a bit watery.

  Grade:  C

 

  Listen to this while:   trying to annoy someone who is reading the paper on a Sunday morning.

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – St. Vincent

Maybe my palate is unrefined

St. Vincent - Actor

I took a tentative sip and was met at first with unpleasant spice.

GRADE: C-

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ACTION ITEM – Close Festival Borders!

Shocking, shocking  news – on many levels.

Man accused of slugging police horse

A 21-year-old man spent the night in jail after he allegedly punched a Chicago police horse near the Lollapalooza music festival.

The alleged offender, Pablo Fernandez, approached the officer on horseback in the block of 500 East Congress Plaza Drive at about 9 p.m. Sunday, intent on petting the horse, police said.

When the officer ordered Fernandez to move aside, Fernandez reportedly refused and punched the horse, causing the animal to panic and rear back on its back legs in the middle of the crowd present for the three-day music festival, police spokeswoman Gabrielle Lesniak said.

Fernandez, a citizen of Mexico without a local address, was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct, Lesniak said.

First, let’s speculate and pretend to call this what it is.  An illegal wanted to

Don't Tread On Me...Bro!

enjoy the benefits of Lollapalooza without paying the exorbitant $90, or whatever it is, for a one-day pass. He just sat outside the gate (irony), enjoying the atmosphere for free.

Second, 9 p.m. Sunday? Apparently, Mexicans (like 15-year olds) love The Killers.  Who knew.

Third, of course people automatically take the side of the horse over a out-of-town-Mexican.  Have we heard his side of the story? Maybe that horse slept with his novia.

When will someone do something about this illegal festival enjoyment?!! I say put up a huge fence, 6 blocks out from Grant Park, bring in the National Guard and demand 2 forms of picture ID! 

Goddammit, this is America! Privileged young people should be able to enjoy their rights as Americans in peace. This includes the right to: (1) consume narcotics (imported from Mexico), (2) dance like assholes while listening to DJ Mom Jeans spin Top-40,  and (3) pay $6 for a lukewarm beer, without the nearby presence of horse-assaulting riff-raff.

Won’t someone think about the children?!

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Magnolia Electric Co.

   Smells of cedar, smoke & bacon, the nose is maturing and slightly sappy, if lacking a little freshness.

   Grade: B

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Strand of Oaks

 

Good Music. Questionable Band Name

STRAND OF OAKS – LEAVE RUINS

Not surprisingly, this delicate blend is medium bodied coupled with hints of oak.

Grade = B+

Musical Reflections of a 30 Year Old (continued – Part II)

1984: Lost (Meat Puppets):  In 1984, the one dollar coin is introduced in Australia, likely replacing “koala ears” as the appropriate legal tender.  This song is off Meat Puppets II, a pretty fresh album I learned about 10 years later when I was into anything covered by Nirvana.

1985: Running Up That Hill (Kate Bush):  Smack in the middle of the 80s, Kate Bush released an album of quintessential 80s pop.  It’s not the worst sound in the world,  but didn’t last as long as Wrestlemania, another phenomena that debuted in 1985.  However, Kate Bush’s career did burn brighter + longer than most original Wrestlemaniacs, Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik included.

1986: Back in the High Life Again (Steve Winwood):  Unlike much of the music in the 1980s, this song endures.  Dare I say, this song inspires me. There, I said it.  Perhaps it inspired (or was inspired by) “Hands Across America,” the event that joined 5 million sweaty-palmed americans from NYC to Long Beach, CA in May, 1986.

1987:  When We Was Fab (George Harrison):  This song was “Fab” back when “fab” was a hip adjective.  Also “fab” in ‘87:  the Wack-Os at the Assemblies of God defrock fraudulent snake-oil salesman, and helpless diddler, Jim Bakker.  

1988:  Boyz-n-the-Hood (Easy-E): One of the best rap tunes ever. Easy was pretty solid. I bet he enjoyed 1988, but thought California v. Greenwood  (where the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police officers do not need a search warrant to search through discarded garbage) was straight bullshit.

1989:  Dirty Blvd. (Lou Reed):  According to always-infallible-wikipedia, this groovy tune contrasts the poor and the rich in New York City.  1989 was a landmark year for poor and rich everywhere.  In Beverly Hills, CA, Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their wealthy parents to death in the family’s den.  In Stockton, CA, down-and-out self-hater Patrick Edward Purdy kills 5 children, wounds 30 and then shoots himself.  People couldn’t let go of the 80s. Take some deep breaths, crazies. 

1990:  Epic (Faith No More):  The video with the fish.  Creepy, yet hypnotic – like when Universal Studios Florida opened to the public that summer.

1991:  Hunger Strike (Temple of the Dog): Ok, I’ve really been looking forward to downloading this classic track. I have loved this song for 17 years, but I don’t think I’ve ever owned it.  Things are looking up.  Kind of like the Bulls, who won their first title in ‘91, with a 4 games to 1 trouncing of the Lakers.  Side Note:  It was a rough year for Magic, who, along with losing to the Bulls, also announced he had contracted the HIV later that year. 

1992: Let Me Ride (Dr. Dre): The grunge movement came along at a weird time for my age group.  Picture a bunch of pubescent 7th graders with changing voices trying to imitate Eddie Vedder.  Similarly, there are few things more comical than a bunch of white suburban tweens laying down verses from The Chronic in their parents’ basement…”Bodies being found on Greenleaf, with their fucking heads cut off - mutherfucka, i’m Carps.”  I choose not to revise history, and that was the early 90s.  Regardless, this is a groovy song off an awesome album.

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Heartless Bastards

HEARTLESS BASTARDS – THE MOUNTAIN    

Recommended: Sip It Live.

Like previous vintages, this is highly accessible and toasty.

GRADE:  B+

Musical Reflections of a 30 Year Old

Recently, a young lady generously gifted me $30 itunes gift card in recognition of my 30th  birthday.  She suggested it may be a good idea to get 1 song from each year of my life.  I thought that was an excellent idea.  And considering that (like President Bush) I spent much of my 20s in an alcohol-induced haze, it may be a smart idea to get some of these reflections down on paper.

The only issue is that I do own a lot of music, so most of the songs + albums I like, I already own. But we move forward nonetheless, starting in 1978, and praying I wasn’t conceived in the aftermath of a ”key party.”

1978:  Glory (Television):  This song truly kicks ass and may have been released in anticipation of my triumphant birth. From what I remember,  I was born in December.  2 weeks later, serial killer John Wayne Gacy finally confessed to his lawyers that he raped and killed 33 boys/men after months of denial to authorities.   Apparently, he lost the urge to kill after he heard about the beautiful young boy with the lopsided head born 2 weeks earlier in Grandrapids, Michigan…Too soon?

1979:  The Ballad of Lucy Jordan (Marianne Faithful):  This was actually written by Shel Silverstein, whose amazing books filled me with both wonder and an occasional nightmare.  The synth-pep of this song masks a depressing downer.  Little known fact:  this was the song that played in the background when Margaret Thatcher was sworn in as Prime Minister that year. 

1980: Romeo & Juliet (Dire Straits): As a child of the ’90s with a burgeoning comfort with his own sexuality, I was first exposed to this song through the Indigo Girls.  It gave me a feeling of warmth, yet not nearly as warm as how Richard Pryor must’ve felt when he burned his face freebasing coke in June, 1980.  Later on, I came to enjoy the Dire Straits’ original just as much.  Great to get this back in the catalogue. Thanks Jana!

1981: Tainted Love (Soft Cell):  Have you ever heard of Soft Cell? Me neither.  But I doubt anyone had heard of John Hinkley before he shot Reagan in the chest in March, 1981.  Yet their legacies carry on….

1982: Here I Go Again (Whitesnake):  In 1982, the family moved from Michigan to Kansas City, Kansas.  I’m sure this song was big there.  Maybe not “George Brett” big, but probably “Dan Quisenberry” big.  Certainly, many midwesterners suffered from what “Quiz” once referred to as “sore armness” from too much air guitar. 

1983: Soldier’s Things (Tom Waits):  At the end of 1983, the family moved back to Chicago, but this time to the suburbs.  And I came with!  This song reminds me of that song “these are a few of my favorite things,” but less obnoxious and more depressing.  Fun fact: On September 5, 1983, Tom Brokaw became lead anchor of the NBC news. And he still won’t go away.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Kanye the New Pepsi

Are you between the ages of 24-35?  Do you feel isolated and alone, like no one looks out for you?  Have you ever been frustrated by your failure to reach people, no matter how much you use your MacBook Air?  Do standard musicians (that just play music) really get you down?  It’s ok, children. Kanye is here for you. 

“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,” he said in an interview on Wednesday. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

Kanye West: post-concert, pre-lazer tag

 

You might be the “loudest voice.”  Absolutely.  Your volume is quite high. And playing the MJ-card?  Wow, I like it – quite bold.  However, for the sake of argument, I don’t know if that’s something MJ would say.  I mean, MJ would be more likely to put up 38 points in game 5 of the ‘97 finals while suffering crippling effects of the flu, and not really say a thing about.  He didn’t really proclaim he was great. He was just great. 

Kanye, on the other hand, you are more likely to spew a rage-filled rant (by typing in all CAPS) because a few trust-fund hippies were upset they actually stayed up until 4 a.m. to see the new voice of their generation who wouldn’t go on stage because his light-set-up wasn’t “strong” enough.  WWMJD? 

But let’s let Kanye plead his case:

The Grammy-winning rapper-producer said Justin Timberlake had a chance to be music’s MVP, but hasn’t put out enough material. (Timberlake’s last album was in 2006, while West released a CD last year and is releasing his latest “808s and Heartbreak” on Nov. 24.)

“There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums,” he said. “And it just came out to be that.”

It’s really up in the air, but Kanye has the edge because he stepped up with the bold proclamation.  Personally, whichever one appears in the most commercials and hosts the most award shows is the one I want speaking for me.  Good luck, gentlemen.

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Secret Machines

Not the juciest secret.

 Possibly over-oxidized, unlike previous attempts, this album falls flat throughout and fails to live up to the brisk cherry flavors of its predecessors.

 Grade = C-

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Bob Dylan

BOB DYLAN – TELL TALE SIGNS   

You're as fine as wine, I ain't handin' you no line, I'm gonna have to put you down for a while.

 

 

 

This rich and sophisticated blend has a wonderful nose, and an excellent finish with soft tanins – a real treat.

 

GRADE: A

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Okkervil River

Okkervil River - The Stand Ins

While not as enjoyable as certain past vintages, the aromatic bouquet remains surprisingly limited in concentration, creating an enjoyable, supple finish.

Grade: B

The Fans Who Stepped Into Yesterday

I heard a fair amount of positive talk last weekend about the reunion.  Many excited people seemed to be SHARIN’ IN THE GROOVE.  Although tickets might not be SIMPLE to obtain, it would be a WASTE not to attempt the lottery. 

Certainly, much of the crowd will carry the SCENT OF A MULE, and others, like that freakdancing kid I saw my last show at Alpine – yeah, I’m talking about you, ravetool - if you’re out of high school I just might have to PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE…Anyway, the music promises to recapture many old fans, unless Trey is still DOWN WITH THE DISEASE. Although, a little TASTE might indeed help his guitar playing.

Should I keep going? OK. Well, some may not be able to attend because of school, and THE TORTURE OF CHALKDUST will surely DANCE ON THEIR TONGUES.  While others, like myself, may not be able to STASH enough vacation days away from work in order to attend.

In closing, if you thought your POOR HEART might never get BACK ON THE TRAIN and it would just end up a SAMPLE IN A JAR, you’re in luck! So call the gang – WILSON, HARPUA, the slutty hippie girl with the lazy eye, PIPER, GINSENG SULLIVAN, LAWN BOY, RUNAWAY JIM, that video store manager, JULIUS, THE LIZARDS – give them all a shout! Because everyone will finally be able to GLIDE and TWIST - or in layman’s terms – dance like assholes, to some old time tasty treats.

One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Kings of Leon

KINGS OF LEON – ONLY BY THE NIGHT

 

Though the album begins with some spiciness and possible hints of blackberry, it soon devolves, possibly due to consumption at an improper temperature.

Grade: C+