The Douchenozzles of 2009 – A Retrospective

It’s hard to follow-up a year like 2008.  After all, election years like that can bring out the douchenozzle in all of us.  But 2009 has no shortage of people we can’t stand – old friends and new assholes, all about to be ridiculed by some stranger in flannel pajama pants.

20. Rod “Green Balloons” Jetton: This Missouri State Rep. has a familiar M.O.:  Family Values GOP official who publicly chastises gays as sexual deviants and proclaims that consensual gay sex should be illegal. Will this man have his own issues, including a

Your new cellmate wants to play too!

random-ass “safe” word?  Of course.

Detective Bethany McDermott’s affidavit says Jetton went to the woman’s home around 9 p.m. Nov. 15 with two bottles of wine, which he allegedly opened alone in her kitchen. After drinking some of the wine and watching football, the statement said, the victim “began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times.”

The affidavit says Jetton and the alleged victim agreed on a safe word – “green balloons” – that could be used to stop sexual relations during the evening.

Instead, the affidavit says, Jetton hit her on the face and choked her before engaging in intercourse. Jetton allegedly said, “You should have said ‘green balloons,’ ” before leaving her home the next morning.

Jetton is rightly facing felony charges. So who’s the deviant, asshole?

If you’re in the Jefferson City area and looking to get down with some BDSM,  I’d steer clear of all Missouri GOP politicians.

19. Lance Armstrong: Let me count the ways. There may be no “I” in “team,” but there’s definitely a “lance” in “chemical imbalance.”

18. Jon & Kate Gosselin: These are my girlfriend’s docuhenozzles of the year, and who can blame her? Pay me. Watch me cry. Leave me alone. Pay me. We just want to be left alone. Watch me. Pay me. I don’t want the attention.  Shut the fuck up!

17. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger: I’ve had a lot to say about Mayor Daley, but I need to finish this list and Stroger is the easiest in-state target this side of a former Illinois governor. Pretty much any former governor.

This guy is so in over his head it’s hardly funny anymore.  He’s not even a good liar. And he calls himself a Chicago politician?  For shame.

16. Rumeal Robinson: Random, indeed. You may remember Rumeal as the University of Michigan guard who hit 2 free throws to beat Seton Hall in the 1989 NCAA championship game.  Or you more likely don’t remember him at all. Regardless, check out this story about Rumeal swindling his foster mother out of her house:

Ford, 65, is close to tears when she explains the day when a constable came to her door this past March and handed her an eviction notice — giving her one month to clear her home of her belongings and leave. Back in 2003, Robinson, now 43 years old and living in Florida, allegedly tricked his foster mother into signing over the deed to her own home — on a street named after him — and transferred the property to people unknown to her. They held the home as collateral in a suspected business transaction gone wrong.

In fairness, it is his street.

Ford’s attorney, Dennis Benzan, said he is seeking a civil suit against Robinson. But Benzan said Robinson has other legal troubles to deal with, separate from this case. Last month, the FBI arrested Robinson and charged him with conspiracy to commit bank fraud, bank bribery, false statement to a financial institution and wire fraud.’

Hail to the Douchebag.

 

Nozz

15. Jay Leno: Hey bud, congratulations on not rocking the boat for 20 years.  Let’s celebrate your inability to make people laugh by moving you to prime time.  Maybe some “fake headlines” and a Cameron Diaz interview?  Fantastic.

Weeknights at 9pm on NBC should be reserved for the Law & Order franchise.  For instance,  Law & Order: Maritime; Law & Order: Phil Spector Unit; Law & Order: Jersey Shore; and Law & Order: Tragic Staten Island Ferry Accident…or murder?

14. Max Baucus: This “public servant” has been under my skin the much of the year, truly proving the only ones that can let the dying Republican party back into power are Democrats like Baucus.  The Head of the Senate Finance Committee also happens to be one of the top recipients of health industry cash.  And who was drafting the Health Care Bill? Exactly.  Coincidentally, senior aide Liz Fowler, who reportedly drafted much of the Bill’s actual text, just happened to be Vice President of Public Policy and External Affairs for Wellpoint. You know Wellpoint, the insurance company whose stock just hit a 52-week high?  That one.  And in case your still wondering who Baucus answers to, his office sent K-Street copies of his Plan well-before a copy was sent to the White House.

And oh yeah, just in case nepotism was feeling overshadowed by corporate greed and conflict of interest, there was this little gem last month: Sen. Douchenoz nominated his girlfriend, Melodee Hanes, for Montana’s US Attorney position.

13. Brett Favre: This asshole just won’t go away.  After keeping the Green Bay Packers in limbo year-after-year while contemplating retirement, he went ahead and destroyed the New York Jets locker room (and season) last year.   Many thought this is the year the selfish fucker fades into retirement.  Not so lucky.  After hedging on whether to return for about 6 months, he joined the Minnesota Vikings (right at the end of training camp.)  While ESPN and others have spent 3 months in a constant Favre-gasm, cracks may beginning to show.  Despite being surrounded by arguably the most complete team in football, ’09 Favre could very well end up like most other Favre versions:  a playoff disappointment and an over-sensitive locker room cancer.

12. Betsy McCaughey: If you listen to the Right’s apocalyptic paranoia about providing health care to some of themselves and their countrymen, there’s a good chance it came from  Ms. McCaughey.  The “liberal” media seemingly couldn’t get enough of the “objective” health care expert, as they routinely gave her a platform to spread her bullshit, including the “death panel” fallacy.  Of course, rarely was it disclosed that McCaughey was a member of the board of directors of the Cantel Medical Corporation  – all the way back on August 20, 2009.

11. Former Governors Rod Blagojevich, Elliot Spitzer, and Governor Mark Sanford: From Blago’s old school graft, to the diddling by the other 2 hypocrites, these guys helped make 2009 the year of the scandalous governor.  I’ve Blago’d the hell out of this site, but want to let him know he’s not forgotten.  As for the other 2 moralizing fucks, I hope never to hear from you again. Unfortunately, Sanford’s appropriation of funds for inter-continental adultery didn’t get him canned or shame the devout Christian into resigning.  See you next year?

10. Pope “Joey Ratz” Benedict XVI: Reinforcing his “old-school” reputation as a bigoted fucker, Jesus’ German Shepherd started off this year with a bang, lifting the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier.

Warning: Do not look directly at picture.

The Vatican said Saturday that Benedict rehabilitated the four as part of his efforts to bring Lefebvre’s Society of St. Pius X back into the Vatican’s fold.

But the move came just days after one of the four, British Bishop Richard Williamson, was shown in a Swedish state TV interview saying that historical evidence “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

This Williamson guy also thinks the U.S. staged 9/11.  If there’s a genocide denier in the Church, there’s a good chance His Eminence will promote him.  Benny’s denial doesn’t end with mass murder.  Here’s exactly what the 200 million Catholics of sub-Saharan Africa needed to hear:

As he made his way to Africa on Tuesday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that condoms were not the way to fight HIV/AIDS. Speaking to reporters on his flight to Cameroon he said that they “increase the problem.”

Really, doctor?  Wearing a mitre does not prevent you from being a supreme asshole.  I wish clarity for you in 2010, but expect you to be back in the running next year.

9.  Milton Bradley: In the storied yet shameful history of the Chicago Cubs franchise, it’s really really difficult to stand out as an all-time failure. But kudos to you, Milton. Not only were you a huge disappointment on the field, but you managed to overshadow your horrid play with 6 months of petulant behavior.  Top it off with a baseless accusation that a bunch of 3 year-olds are racists, and what do you get? Fucking docuhenozzle.  Thank you, Seattle Mariners.

8. Sarah Palin: This country’s biggest fraud could certainly be higher on this list.  However, as is consistent with her pattern of behavior, she doesn’t hold public office anymore after quitting on the people of Alaska.  The country’s most socialist governor then proceeded to proclaim we’re descending into socialist hell, “write” a score-settling book, spread a bunch a lies among her blind followers, and generally talk out of her ass.   A solid follow-up to her super docuhey 2008 performance.  I’ll have more on her before the end of the year.

7. Kanye West: Check this out – I’ve never typed the following sentence:   Kelly Clarkson is right. This guy is a total asshole.  Also, it’s easier to put up with Kanye’s antics when he’s putting out good music.  That doesn’t happen anymore.

6. Dick & Liz Cheney: Fun Fact about one of Dick’s 5 Vietnam deferments:

“On Oct. 6, 1965, the Selective Service lifted its ban against drafting married men who had no children. Nine months and two days later, Mr. Cheney’s first daughter, Elizabeth, was born.”

Aw snap. This chickenhawk did everything he could to keep himself out of harm’s way.  But if it’s you or your child? Go fuck yourself.

After 8 years of virtual silence and hostility towards the press, Dick couldn’t get enough of the camera in 2009.  Of course, the pawns at Fox, Politico, and CNN, let Cheney accuse Obama of treason and revise history without any challenging follow-ups, apparently fearful he would steal their spleens with his magic cane.  Any of the following would’ve been welcomed…

• And who was in charge of National Security on 9/11/01?
• Greeted as liberators?  6 mos.?  Financed by Iraqi oil $, etc…?
• Speaking of ‘dithering,’ what’s up with letting Bin Laden escape at Tora Bora in 2001?
• Speaking of war profiteerring, you liquidated $30 mil in Haliburton stock options during the 2000 campaign, but you kept how much?
• You said Obama’s 6 mos. reassessment of Afghanistan constitutes “dithering.”  How would you describe the Afghan policy of the previous 7 years?

While the war criminal doesn’t really give a shit about this country, he certainly succeeded in raising a daughter he could believe in. Liz, a “birther,” was more camera-hungry than her father.  But like her old man, she used heaps of bullshit to defend her father’s record and certainly believes his administration made 0 mistakes in 8 years.  By the way, Liz has 5 kids to brainwash.  There’s no end in sight.

5. Benjamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, et al.: The Iranians talk hate out of their ass. Daydreaming about nukeing a nation that never invaded a foreign country gives Bibi a hard-on.  Will this end well?  Not with these assholes around.

4. The “Teabaggers”: Gratuitous World wants to be clear:  This site supports grassroots protesting, and in general, the political

excuze mi?

involvement of the American citizenry.  However, when these people put down their Palin signs and picked up their hilariously misspelled tea party placards, it was almost too much to handle. Hey Gratuitous World – what do you mean, these people? I mean the kind of people who lose their shit over having to press “1” for English. You know, Michelle Bachmann.

Obviously, the hypocrisy of these people who didn’t say shit about the destructive financial policies of Bush/Cheney, yet suddenly careabout “government spending” now that a strange black man is president is readily apparent.  But a couple things for these people:

• Socialism, Fascism, Communism, and Nazism are not all synonyms!  Turn down the radio and read a fucking book.
• Medicare is government-run.  Your sign doesn’t make any sense.
• It’s not really grassroots when you’re movement is being run by lobbyists like Dick Armey and being relentlessly promoted by the country’s most-watched cable news network.
• Your metaphor makes no sense.  The British law that eventually precipitated the Boston Tea Party was the Tea Act of 1773. One of the many inconsistencies of the wingnut tea bagging revolution is the unfortunate fact that the Tea Act was basically a corporate tax cut. As Cesca points out, ” the tea parties are emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut while also “going Galt” which is a protest against a corporate tax hike.  Adding… I think the Sons of Liberty, who boycotted corporate tea, would be flummoxed by the notion of the wingnuts tea baggers purchasing thousands of corporate tea bags.”

Finally, “teabagging” means to have a man insert his scrotum into another person’s mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion. You might want to check urbandictionary before naming your next movement something like “The Felchers.”

3. Ben Bernanke: Hopefully Z Systems will chime in on this one.  I was baffled when Time named Bernanke their “Man-of-the-Year.” Of course, if the magazine was still relevant, people might really care. Regardless, the Fed King helped us into a recession and was rewarded with another term.  Just one example of this man’s character is his ongoing dealings with AIG, where Bernanke, Geithner and the New York Fed, passed billions off ‘so that certain organizations’ can receive yet more payoffs through the back door of the Federal Reserve (no questions asked).

I guess when there’s no oversight or accountability you can be a big time Douchenozzle and no one will ever know.

2. Glenn Beck: All you really need to know about Beck is that he yearns live in another time. More specifically, 9/12/01.  You remember 9/12/01- when everyone was confused, overwhelmed by tragedy, and scared shitless. Ah, those were the days. And who’s going to fear-monger us back to this time? Mr. Beck. Since his move to Fox, Beck has turned on the crazy, tuned in the radical, and dropped out of reality.

He has called the president a racist. He has implied Obama’s policies will set you on fire. He “thinks” FEMA is going to round you up and put you in death camps. HE MAKES BILL O’REILLY SEEM REASONABLE (occasionally).

His abilities as a snake-oil salesman are unparalleled.  Who else would readily admit to incest fantasies just to sell books? But one thing is certain, Beck is here to stay – at least until he crashes into flames he lit.   But in 2009, no one is flying higher in conservative circles than Mr. Beck.  No one uses more Hitler-comparisons.  And no one can revise history and develop baseless conspiracy theories like Glenn. A douchenozzle of the 1st degree.

One more thing, Glenn.  You’re going to have to get me one of those jump suits.

 

 

 

D.N.O.T.Y!

1.  Texas Governor Rick Perry: As a patriotic American, I have a problem with any public official who advocates secession, even if it’s in the form of insincere pandering. Any student of the Civil War knows the tragedy this country has endured. That’s why I wipe my ass with the Confederate flag. But secession talk alone doesn’t make you this big of a bastard.

While I rarely mess with Texas, I just can’t put aside my contempt for this man. Not only does he support executing the mentally ill, but the innocent as well. That’s why this dead-eyed fuck is such a dirtbag. Nothing is more important to Rick than himself and his career.  I guess that’s a theme that runs throughout this list. I posted on this issue here and here, so if you want see the details of while I despise the slimy d-bag please go there.

Me? I’m spent from all the hating.

So Rick Perry – You did it bud.  You’re actually a bigger Douchenozzle than Glenn Beck. Congrats and see you in 2010!