Gratuitous Balls! NBA Preview – Part 2
Posted by Matt on October 14, 2008
The Central Division- What do Frank TV, preseason basketball, and all VH1 programming have in common? Well, if you’re watching it and one of your friends or relatives isn’t involved with the show, you may have some serious fucking problems.
So…with that in mind, I turned on the Bulls game the other night to watch #1 pick Derrick Rose and the other 27 guards on the team. This kid should be able to make plays, although many of these plays should be great passes that go through the hands of Tyrus Thomas (aka “Hoof Hands” – see below) and Joakim Noah (aka “French Fingers”), resulting in many-a-turnover.
Lebron loves dragons and Chinese! Buy one today!
But I digress. This is clearly LeBron’s division. LeBron who, you ask? Lebron James: basketball star,
ORDER OF FINISH
CLEVELAND: Mo Williams is next in-line to be LeBron’s sidekick. With LeBron entering his 6th year, this may be the best player with whom GM Danny Ferry has surrounded his franchise player. Which is sad. If the Cavs wouldn’t have lucked into the #1 pick in 2003, this team would be almost certainly be a laughing-stock. And really, isn’t that what the Cavs are supposed to be?
DETROIT- Break out the IcyHot, heating pads, knee braces and denture adhesive. The Pistons are back for one more run. These guys will likely challenge the Cavs with their joint-creaking brand of fundamentally sound basketball. Much suspense surrounds this team, including whether journeyman Antonio Mcdyess can make it through the season with all of his limbs. Godspeed, Dice!
CHICAGO: Everyone reading this has at least as much coaching experience as new coach Vinny DelNegro.
Coach Butt-Cut
Get ready for at least 2 years of this guy, or at least until NASA solicits the service of an unqualified, NBA-journeyman-greaseball to accompany a shuttle mission. On 3 separate occasions as a player, DelNegro was traded for these legendary former-Bulls: Jason Caffey, Corie Blount, and Jud Bueschler. That’s a resume even career-builder couldn’t help with. zing.
MILWAUKEE: There should be a lot of ‘chucking’ going on in Milwaukee. Michael Redd, the skilled lefty, and consummate chucker, finally has a chance to make some noise in the central. With the addition of Richard Jefferson, Luke Ridnour, and others, this team should make Scott Skiles grin slightly, at least a couple times during the season.
INDIANA: With the acquisitions of TJ Ford and Jarrett Jack to team up with Travis Diener, this undersized team will have to work hard to out-muscle the WNBA competition.
NBA Superstar Superlatives-Central Division
Weirdest Birthmark- Rasheed Wallace, Detroit. Every night, the NBA’s preeminent 34-year old adolescent blames the officials for this imperfection.
Most Deer-Like -Tyrus Thomas, Chicago. Whether bouncing down the court with his huge strides, or
If I knew how to photoshop, you would have antlers.
staring vacantly wide-eyed at a coach in a huddle, no one emulates this particular herbivore more than Tyrus.
Most Surprisingly Stalked- Jeff Foster, Indiana. For some reason, men and women obsess over the Pacer Center. Whether it be his near-degree in finance from SW Texas State, or his 6.4 ppg average, one thing is certain: sociopaths love Jeff Foster. Foster hopes to make it through another season safely and without another decapitated-cat-head-with-earrings incident.
Watch out, Jeff. It could be the photographer!
Grossest-sounding DL stint- Mo Williams, Cleveland. Last year, Williams spent time on the Disabled List with something called (seriously) pubic symphysis. You’re going to have to look it up.
