Senator Does Something

This poor child just wants his stuff!

Alabama Republican Sen. Richard Shelby has placed a unilateral hold on all of President Barack Obama’s executive branch nominees in an apparent protest over home state concerns.

Shelby is frustrated over the Pentagon’s bidding process for air-to-air refueling tankers, which could lead to the creation of jobs in Mobile, Ala. And spokesman Jonathan Graffeo said in a statement the senator is also “deeply concerned” that the administration “will not release” funds already appropriated for a Terrorist Explosive Device Analytical Center to be built in Alabama.

“If this administration were as worried about hunting down terrorists as it is about the confirmation of low-level political nominations, America would be a safer place,” Graffeo said.

Shelby’s hold doesn’t block the Obama nominees entirely, but it makes it impossible for Democrats to clear them without at least some Republican help. With Shelby’s hold in place, Democrats will need to cobble together 60 votes for a cloture motion on each nominee. And with Republican Sen. Scott Brown’s swearing-in Thursday night, the Democrats no longer have 60 votes on their own.

Shelby has informed Reid that he would block all nominees on the Senate’s executive calendar, which amounts to more than 70 of the president’s choices.

Sen. Shelby: Senator, Patriot, Dick.

What’s an earmark? Well kids, an earmark is a legislative provision that directs approved funds to be spent on specific projects or that directs specific exemptions from taxes or mandated fees. For instance, in 2009, Senator Richard C. Shelby sponsored or co-sponsored 160 earmarks totalling $322,378,750 in fiscal year 2009 ranking 9th out of 100 senators. He’s clearly working it.

At the White House Friday, press secretary Robert Gibbs said Shelby’s hold is a perfect example of “what’s wrong” with Washington, calling it “the poster child” for “how this town works.”

“It boggles the mind to hold up qualified nominees for positions that are needed because he didn’t get two earmarks,” Gibbs said.

Graffeo said Shelby “has made the administration aware” of his concerns and “is willing to discuss them at any time.”

A healthy democracy has vocal opposition. However, criticizing a man’s job performance while simultaneously hamstringing his ability to do the job is not really in that spirit. Ladies + Gentlemen, Senator Richard Shelby.

Chinese Girl Wants To Star In Awful Movies

year of the mmm...

What trade deficit? We are apparently still exporting good ol’ crazy celebrity-obsessed American culture:

SHANGHAI – A Chinese woman is seeking extensive plastic surgery to look like U.S. actress Jessica Alba, mainly because she hopes to win back her boyfriend who she said always wished she looked more like the Hollywood star.

The 21-year-old, who would only give her name as Xiaoqing, said she was devastated after she broke up with her lover, an ardent fan of the actress who has starred in hit movies such as “Fantastic Four” and “Into the Blue.”

This guy must be pretty special. Let’s learn about him!

Xiaoqing, who works at an Internet firm in Shanghai, said that during their 18-month-long relationship, her 28-year-old boyfriend had been obsessed with Alba, adorning their apartment with her photographs and talking about her constantly.

She said that while her boyfriend had not forced her to look like Alba, he always hinted that the wanted her to resemble his favorite star and even bought her a blonde wig to wear

I don’t know how to say “red flag” in Mandarin, but that’s an expression that can be applied to this situation.

Hopefully, Xiaoqing’s surgery will be a success and I will be one-step closer to fulfilling my girlfriend’s debauched fantasy that I look more like Richard Belzer.

see ya soon, buddy!

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Multi-National Corporations United

I tried to read last week’s Citizens United v. FEC Supreme Court decision. I’m not going to lie. I couldn’t make it through. It’s a long opinion and Justice Kennedy just won’t close it out. The man writes with broad strokes and I’ll leave it at that. Stevens’ dissent is no Cliffs Notes opinion either. Regardless, I’m pretty sure I don’t like it.

the wheels...

“Of course, you don’t,” you may say. Progressives don’t like the thought of more corporate control over our laws and elections, and the GOP (& many Dems & corporatists) loves that idea. Simple as that.

Maybe. The resulting outcomes of the decision have been (and will be) discussed ad nauseum. But what about the legal basis + reasoning of the decision? In a nutshell, here’s the practical effect of the 5-4 decision (according to the WSJ):

In regard to Thursday’s decision, it helps to understand what the court didn’t decide. It didn’t rule on an individual’s right to contribute to a federal campaign. Individuals are still permitted to give up to $2,400 to a candidate during the primary and $2,400 to a candidate during the general election. Individuals are also still allowed to give $5,000 to any given political-action-committee. The amount an individual could give a campaign was, yesterday, $115,500 over a two year period. Today it’s the same.

Nor did the court change the law on corporations’ ability to contribute directly to a political campaign. Yesterday, direct contributions to a political campaign were banned. Companies could organize and alert employees to the existence of PACs, but they could not give money out of their general treasuries to PACs. Today, that’s still the case.

What the ruling did, however, was erase bans on corporations’ abilities to spend money in support of a candidate. Yesterday, a company was limited in its ability to create, say, its own television advertisement supporting or ripping a political candidate. Today, there are no limits. So long as a company does not coordinate with a campaign, it can spend as much money as it wants to on a sort of shadow campaign on behalf of a candidate.

Loyola Law School’s Rick Hasen explained it to us this way: “Yesterday, if you wanted to influence the otucome of an election, you had to set up a PAC, contributions int which were limited to $5,000 per individual. But today, things are very differerent. Google or IBM, for instance, can spend an unlimited amount of money in support of a candidate.”

The Court ruled that the 1st Amendment protects these corporations right to Free Speech. While I understand the “personhood” of the Corporation, I didn’t think this meant the Bill of Rights is universally applied to corporations. Some see it differently, and the Court’s decisions over the last few decades have certainly convoluted the issues. The probable outcomes are pretty apparent: More corporate control over government. In particular, there exists the dangerous probability of huge corporate influence, and subsequent conflict of interest, with regard to judicial elections. However, I agree with Glenn Greenwald, who says the following:

Either the First Amendment allows these speech restrictions or it doesn’t.  In general, a law that violates the Constitution can’t be upheld because the law produces good outcomes (or because its invalidation would produce bad outcomes).

True enough. But does this fall under 1st Amendment protection?

It’s absolutely true that the Citizens United majority cavalierly tossed aside decades of judicial opinions upholding the constitutionality of campaign finance restrictions.  But what does that prove?  Several of the liberals’ most cherished Supreme Court decisions did the same (Brown v. Bd. of Education rejected Plessy v. Ferguson; Lawrence v. Texas overruled Bowers v. Hardwick, etc.).   Beyond that, the central principle which critics of this ruling find most offensive — that corporations possess “personhood” and are thus entitled to Constitutional (and First Amendment) rights — has also been affirmed by decades of Supreme Court jurisprudence; tossing that principle aside would require deviating from stare decisis every bit as much as the majority did here.  If a settled proposition of law is sufficiently repugnant to the Constitution, then the Court is not only permitted, but required, to uproot it.

Greenwald’s states that the century of campaign finance laws limiting corporate contributions to elections hindered free speech. However, Greenwald does little to address the precedent, other than to imply he’s a 1st Amendment absolutist. David Kairys disagrees:

The court’s main rationale is that limits on using corporate treasuries for campaigns are a “classic example of censorship.” To get there, Kennedy depends on two legal theories that blossomed as constitutional principles in the mid-1970s: money is speech and corporations are people. Both theories are strange, if not simply wrongheaded—why, according to the Constitution or common sense, would money be speech or corporations be people? The court has also employed theories not uniformly but, rather, as constitutional cover for dominance of the electoral system by corporations and by the wealthy.

Part of the weird dichotomy is as the Court expands the Constitution to protect “rights” of corporations, recent decisions demonstrate a pattern of contracting the Constitutional rights of individuals.

The first theory appeared in a 1976 decision, Buckley v. Valeo, which invalidated some campaign-finance reforms that came out of Watergate. The Court concluded that most limits on campaign expenditures, and some limits on donations, are unconstitutional because money is itself speech and the “quantity of expression”—the amounts of money—can’t be limited.

But in subsequent cases, the conservative justices who had emphatically embraced the money-is-speech principle didn’t apply it to money solicited by speakers of ordinary means. For example, the court limited the First Amendment rights of Hare Krishna leafleters soliciting donations in airports to support their own leafleting. The leafleting drew no money-is-speech analysis. To the contrary, the conservative justices, led by Chief Justice Rehnquist, found that by asking for money for leafleting—their form of speech—the Hare Krishnas were being “disruptive” and posing an “inconvenience” to others. In other words, in the court’s view, some people’s money is speech; others’ money is annoying. And the conservative justices have raised no objection to other limits on the quantity of speech, such as limits on the number of picketers.

Are Corporations entitled to the same Free Speech protections as individuals? What are the 1st Amendment rights of individuals these days?

In Citizens United, Justice Kennedy discusses business corporations as if they were clubs or political associations with political viewpoints and elected leaders. But corporate managers don’t function as representatives or employees of shareholders, who have no say, no shared political views, and no expectation that their investments will be used for political ends. In the wake of the court’s ruling this week, will some corporations pick a party or politics while others channel unheard of amounts of money to both major parties? Will investors be influenced by a corporation’s political portfolio?

The Citizens United decision will make it harder to achieve reforms opposed by major corporations and change business as well as politics. Increasing the constitutional rights of corporations beyond their business purposes is really about increasing the rights and power of corporate managers. Government has enabled corporate managers to control huge accumulations of wealth without any personal risk—an arrangement that contributes to wild, bubble-producing economic swings and collapses. Citizens United invites that arrangement directly into politics and elections.

Both of these theories—that money is speech and that corporations are people—have an easier time than they should in courts and with the public, too, because they are posed as counters to censorship. Many of us, including me, haven’t seen a free-speech argument we don’t like, at least initially.

But some perspective: We limit speech—when it has nothing to do with wealthy people spending money—in many ways. (It wasn’t protected at all until the mid-1930s.) You famously can’t shout fire in a theater. You not-so-famously can’t break the theater’s rules, including rules about speaking, because you don’t really have any First Amendment rights in a privately owned theater or at work. The First Amendment limits only government. And even where it is fully protected, free speech has not been absolute; it’s subject to regulation when it undermines basic societal interests and functions, like voting and democracy. In the last few decades, the conservative justices dominating the court have also limited speech rights for demonstrators, students, and whistle blowers. They have restricted speech at shopping malls and transit terminals. Taken as a whole, the conservative court’s First Amendment jurisprudence has enlarged the speech rights available to wealthy people and corporations and restricted the speech rights available to people of ordinary means and to dissenters.

Are there any limits on the 1st Amendment Rights of corporations? As Tom Geoghegan writes in his excellent book, See You In Court…

…There is a growing view on the right that business has a First Amendment right to lie to people. Or at least that it is illegal, and maybe even unconstitutional, for government to pass a law prohibiting or regulating fraud…Some law professors on the right, like Charles Fried of Harvard, argue that this is one of the greatest legacies of the Rehnquist court. It’s the principle of business free speech. It starts with the right to deceive. In one ERISA case, Varsity Corp v. Howe et al. (1996), workers sued a business for lying to them to take an illusory pension-type benefit. To defend its right to mislead the workers, the company brought in the country’s greatest First Amendment lawyer, Floyd Abrams…

His client lost – but only by 5 to 4. With the new Court, he’d probably win the case today.

That is ridiculous. In Illinois, corporations like State Farm are already buying judicial elections and the verdicts that come with their pocket-judges. Since the corporations are technically not affiliated with these campaigns, many of these judges won’t recuse themselves from their assigned cases brought by or against their campaign funders.

I don’t want to go over-the-top. The reality is that even prior to this decision, Multi-National Corporations already exert more influence on our government than ever before. The corporatists and the plutocrats rule. All one has to do is look at how fast the government came to the rescue of Wall St. while the middle class is left to implode.  Still, the thought of more government control by multi-national corporations who ship jobs overseas, open up foreign shells to avoid paying taxes, and already own our political process can only be seen as discouraging to American democracy.

Sorority Is Totally Awesome Real-Life Stereotype

Cornell’s Pi Phi Sorority put out 7 pages of dress code for their rush events. Before you judge, please realize: They’re all best friends.

On Clothes

— Denim leggings are appropriate as long as it’s done right: aka, not from American Apparel and worn with chic, cool, chunky boots over them and a longer top. NO camel toe!

— No satin dresses. No one looks good in satin dresses unless it’s from Betsey Johnson or Dolce & Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have three pairs of Spanx on and it’s New Years Eve.

— No Frumpy.

“No frumpy?” This is upstate New York and I’m an agricultural science major on scholarship. Damn it.

On Shoes

— Yes to nice flats: Tory Burch, etc. More evening-ish, understated, patent leather good. I’m thinking mid-height Mary Jane heels, or mid-height chunky Kate Spade.

— Booties ok if you can pull them off, aka probably not.

No! No! No! Trucker hats tilted slightly to the left. TO THE LEFT!

I’m looking in your direction, Michelle. Ugly bitch.

On Jewelry

— I expect everyone to be wearing accessories. This is an important part of every outfit and can make or break any ensemble.

— Bangles need to coordinate. I’m not saying you have to wear a Harry Winston wreath, but I am saying I won’t tolerate any gross plastic shizzzz. I love things on wrists and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced.

What’s going on in that last one? I was all set to let you tell me how to dress. You had me. Then you lost me.

This site only released the dress code requirements. The following are some behavioral requirements necessary to accentuate that frigid bitch feel you want in a sorority.

• When kissing ‘hello,’ do not make contact with your lips. Kiss the air only. We’re not an ‘ethnic’ sorority.
• Wax your vag. Even though this body part won’t show, it always great to start a conversation with something like, “OMG, that fucking Asian lady almost ripped my clit off. Do not go to that place on Fall Creek Ave.” Candidate A will likely answer, “Oh, where should I go to get a wax and the occasional anal brightening?” Presto! There’s a conversation!
• Don’t even think about smiling unless it’s for a camera. That’s a huge turnoff. You’re not Mormon, are you?
• If you’ve vomited more than once on the day of the event, it’s mandatory you carry mints. Strong peppermint preferred.
• Talking about math and science classes is strongly discouraged. I know this is the Ivy League, but we’re in f’ing Pi Phi.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when the Cornell PiPhi Board of Directors gathers to determine who’s lucky enough to be invited into this bastion of individual acceptance. Something tells me they have incisively personal and cruel nicknames for all the candidates.

I’m not sure about Anorexic, but I really like what Sex Tape brought to the table. Although, I’m pretty sure she fucked Daddy Issues’ ex-boyfriend, so that’s something we’re going to have to deal with. I think we all agree about Botched Nose Job. Out. Chinese Finger Trap has a lot of baggage, but she does get along well with the lacrosse team. I kind of like Laxatives over there.  Don’t even get me started on BitchWhore, but I guess she is close with Zoloft, so we might have to find a spot for her.

Rush on.

America Somehow Manages To Convict Another Terrorist In Civilian Court

If you listen to the Beltway babble, even the “moderates” are starting to sound a lot like Dick Cheney. Apparently, their faith in our 250-year old Rule of Law is so fragile and skin-deep that the thought of using our existing legal framework to convict someone such as the “X-Mas Underwear Bomber” portends unfathomable danger for every red-blooded American. Furthermore, their interpretation of the Rights extended by the Constitution are either ridiculously misinformed, or intellectually dishonest.

Last week, it took a Kansas jury less than an hour to convict Scott Roeder, the man who walked into a Lutheran church and shot abortion doctor George Tiller in the head. Roeder’s defense put forth an argument that the charge be reduced to “voluntary manslaughter,” which Kansas law defines as “an unreasonable but honest belief that circumstances existed that justified deadly force” and carries a slim four-to-six-year sentence. The defense was hoping to make the case that Roeder honestly believed Tiller posed an imminent threat to “unborn children” and that using deadly force against him was justified. On the stand, Roeder admitted to shooting the doctor and expressed no regret. The judge denied this argument. The jury convicted Roeder of first-degree murder.

This is in Wichita, Kansas – a hotbed of Conservative activism. I doubt you could find a jury pool in Kansas without a handful of devout anti-Choice members. And it took them less than an hour.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy is a white American murderer,” you may say. “That’s a big difference from being a brown Muslim murderer. (or attempted murderer)” Of course it is. We all know the broad pro-Muslim and pro-Brown tendencies of the American populace.

As the DOJ re-weighs its decision to try the Burned Crotch Bomber and 9/11 murderers in civilian Courts, I’m trying wrap my head around the associated fear-mongering being perpetrated by the Right (and a solid amount of Democrats).

No one less than Conservative Hero Ronald Reagan addressed the issue of trying terrorists in US Courts during his presidency.

The official policy of the Reagan Administration when it came to treating Terrorists, as articulated by the top Reagan State Department official in charge of Terrorism policies, L. Paul Bremer, in a speech he entitled ”Counter-Terrorism:  Strategies and Tactics:”

Another important measure we have developed in our overall strategy is applying the rule of law to terrorists. Terrorists are criminals. They commit criminal actions like murder, kidnapping, and arson, and countries have laws to punish criminals. So a major element of our strategy has been to delegitimize terrorists, to get society to see them for what they are — criminals — and to use democracy’s most potent tool, the rule of law against them.

It was also Ronald Reagan who signed the Convention Against Torture in 1988 — after many years of countless, horrific Terrorist attacks — which not only declared that there are “no exceptional circumstances whatsoever” justifying torture, but also required all signatory countries to “ensure that all acts of torture are offences under its criminal law” and — and Reagan put it — “either to prosecute torturers who are found in its territory or to extradite them to other countries for prosecution.”  And, of course, even George W. Bush — at the height of 9/11-induced Terrorism hysteria — charged attempted shoe bomber Richard Reid with actual crimes and processed him through our civilian courts.

While certain imperfections and inequities exist in our legal system, you have to wonder about the endgame for the supporters of indefinite, perpetual detention of uncharged prisoners.

Ramzi Yousef. Richard Reid. Jose Padilla. Khan Mohammed. Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri…The list goes on. All terrorists convicted in US Courts. While Holder weighs his options, his critics are ready to pounce.

“The only time [the Obama] administration ever cites the previous administration for a precedent is to mention that there were some terrorists tried in U.S. courts,” Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, said Sunday on State of the Union.

“We now know that was a mistake,” declared McConnell. “That was a mistake by the previous administration. The other mistake they made that shouldn’t be replicated by this administration is letting too many people go from Guantanamo.”

So according to McConnell, not only Reagan, but Bush and Cheney are radical leftists. Is this just political posturing, or is the fear genuine?

“This is really dangerous nonsense,” McConnell said of the Obama administration’s policies regarding treatment of alleged terrorists. “We have a way to do it, John,” McConnell told CNN’s John King. “Interrogate them. Detain them and try them in military commissions offshore at Guantanamo from which no one has ever escaped.”

Asked whether he was ready to deny the White House the funding necessary to close the Guantanamo Bay facility and move detainees held there to a location somewhere in the United States, McConnell responded, “Absolutely.” He predicted that there would be bipartisan support in Congress for withholding the funding.

Ahh. The fear of the escaped terrorist single-handedly wreaking havoc on America. Looks like someone has been watching his 24 DVDs.

These fucking Hawks have big enough balls to send other Americans’ children off the fight their bullshit wars, but they’re scared of bringing heavily-guarded and shackled terrorists to an American city where they’re despised? Some critics say trying them in NYC would be a “circus.” Fine. I have an idea. United States District Court for the District of Kansas. Topeka or Wichita.

So far, Obama + Holder’s DOJ have sent mixed signals. It’s about time they step up and stand tall for the Bill of Rights and the American Rule of Law.

ManCrush > ManCrunch

I believe this stands for Round 3, Pick 16.

Focus on the Family, the tax-exempt lobbying arm of intolerant Christianity, is running an Anti-Choice ad during the Super Bowl featuring the Great Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, also known as Our Lady of Pontre Verda. CBS will collect $2.5 million for the ad.

The ad, funded by the Focus on the Family organization, is expected to tell the story of Tebow and his mother, Pam. Ill while pregnant with Tim, Pam refused suggestions to abort her son. Those who have seen the ad describe it as “uplifting.”

Better throwing mechanics than Tebow.

I have a lot of issues with F.O.T.F. and their hateful leader James Dobson. I think their tax-exempt status is complete bullshit. Dobson has blamed 9/11 on abortion, and in a 30-minute span driving through central Wisconsin a couple months ago, we heard F.O.T.F. radio suggest (in separate segments) that both Obama and Belgian EU President Yves Leterme were possibly the anti-Christ.

That being said, I have no problem with CBS airing the ad. While Broadcast networks have traditionally refrained from airing advocacy ads during the Super Bowl (including a proposed ‘04 moveon.org ad), if Dobson wants to pay, and Tebow wants to lend his name, that’s fine with me. After all, I am pretty confident this is the closest Tebow will ever get to the Super Bowl. Let him have his 30 seconds. And while the ad may be “uplifting,” without near-naked girls or delicious melted cheese, I’m guessing the ad will be ignored or fly over the head of almost every viewer. Personally, I’ve stopped paying attention to Super Bowl ads since the demise of the Bud Bowl. R.I.P., Bud Dry!

Despite this, certain groups are clamoring for a Tebow-free Super Bowl. As someone who has the opportunity to erase a lot of e-mails from liberal advocacy groups, I’ve noticed a couple in the past few days asking me to tell CBS to refuse to air the ad. Christ. Part of me actually wants to take the time to open these e-mails, find a contact person, and type something like this,

“Dear Well-Intentioned Liberal Activist,

While we both agree on two things: (1) a woman’s right to chose;  and (2) that Tim Tebow’s skill-set does not transfer to the NFL-level, do you see the counter-productivity of fighting this stupid 30-second ad?

This is what Focus on the Family wants: to play the victim. If CBS adheres to your wishes and refuses to air the ad, F.O.T.F. will simultaneously portray themselves as victim of the nonexistent “Librul Media” and save $2.5 million. The ad will go viral and get more attention than if you just let them have their 30 seconds in the first place.

While I appreciate your zeal on behalf of American Women, maybe your energetic activism might be better applied to different avenues…

Finally, with Dwight Freeeny’s injury status, I’m really starting to like the Saints (+6). Where are you at on this?

Sincerely,

A Guy Who Ended Up On Your Mailing List”

But that’s just part one of the story: CBS ok’s Anti-Choice Advocacy Ad. Part Two: CBS refuses to run a commercial from the gay dating site mancrunch.com.

In the ad two sports fans are watching an NFL game and discover their mutual affection over a bowl of chips. They proceed to make out to the surprise of another sports fan watching nearby.

The official rejection letter from CBS offered a vague explanation for its refusal to run the ad.

“CBS Standards and Practices has reviewed your proposed Super Bowl ad and concluded that the creative is not within the Network’s Broadcast Standards for Super Bowl Sunday,” it stated. “Moreover, our Sales Department has had difficulty verifying your organization’s credit status.”

Earlier this week, CBS said it would only allow advocacy ads that were “responsibly produced.”

Think about this. This is too inappropriate for professional football? A sport with skin-tight pants and constant man-hugs and ass-slapping? A sport with positions like “Wide Receiver,” “Tight End,” and “Long-Snapper?” A sport where each play begins with a man thrusting his ass in the air, while another man (the QB) places his hands so close to the Center’s undercarriage that he can feel the heat emanating from his taint? (To be fair, the Saints & Colts do run a lot of “shotgun-sets.”)

This event’s halftime show has also featured such masculine icons as Prince & Michael Jackson.

Once again, too gay for the Super Bowl?

Second, this is not an advocacy ad. This is a commercial for a dating website. If this is an “advocacy” ad, then what does match.com advocate? The right for a couple desperate scrubs to get together out of fear of being alone? That’s more offensive to my sensibilities. (no offense, anyone.) Finally, the “credit status” of the company seems to be a complete cop-out, considering the company offered $2.5 million cash.

I think there’s only one conclusion to draw. The acceptance of the Tebow ad and the refusal to accept the $2.5 million from a gay dating site shows the incredible bias of our Conservative Media. I’m going to feign some outrage!

America Loves Lists! – Top 5 Mythical Creatures

Humanity has long been fascinated with legendary + mythical creatures. Me? Not so much. They kind of seem like they’re just made up by drunk villagers sitting around a campfire. How hard can it be? Let me take a stab at it. My new creature – the Carpiniyak: Part bird, part anorexic sheep. Has telegraphic abilities when the sun goes down, grows cranberries from his beard and always ‘houdinis’ from social gatherings without saying goodbye. Bam. That took 18 seconds.

I guess next thing I know, Dr. Dan is going to tell me the Carpinyak actually exists in some Slavic lore and I’m infringing on someone’s merchandising rights. Sorry about that Miroslavo.

Here are GW’s Top 5 Mythical Creatures:

Hey Scott Brown, I found your Halloween costume. You're welcome.

5. Satyr:

For someone who claims disinterest in mythical creatures, I sure as hell have read a lot of Tom Robbins’ novels. With that in mind,

Satyrs were originally seen as companions of the goat god Pan in ancient Greek civilisation. The first drawings of satyrs were of normal men, though often with an erect phallus. It was later merged with the Roman faun which is when they began to be depicted as half men half goats (the upper body being that of the man, and the lower half being that of a goat). Satyrs are described as roguish but faint-hearted folk — subversive and dangerous, yet shy and cowardly. In old age they are often seen with horns on their head, while young satyrs are seen with nubs instead.

If your erect phallus lasts for over 2 centuries, you should consult a Ugandan witch doctor.

4. The Even-Tempered Italian:

Guy: Jeter sucks!

Even-Tempered Italian: I respectfully disagree. While his range at shortstop has certainly diminished, he can still swing the stick.

Guy: Your Mom can still swing the stick!

ET Italian:  I understand your implication. However, I am choosing not to respond due to your apparent lack of knowledge regarding my mother.  If you would like to continue this conversation, might I suggest the Argo Tea down the block.

After reading this over, I am struck by what a kickass creature a stereotypically offensive “Italian ET” would be.

Italian ET steps on a bathroom scale, it reads 35 lbs.
Elliot: 35 pounds? You’re fat!

Italian ET: Kid, stop breaking my alien procreative glands. I’ll bust that phone on your fuggin’ skull. Capiche?

3.  The Unicorn:

The unicorn is usually shown as a horse with a long single horn on its head, but it originally had a billy-goat beard, lion’s tail, and cloven hooves. The unicorn is virtually the only creature in legend which did not come from human fears and was, in fact, a rather gentle creature. It was considered impossible to capture a unicorn except by using unfair methods. The horn was said to be able to neutralise poison. The unicorn first came to be known during the Indus Valley Civilisation (3300–1700 BC).

In a world where most made-up figures are (rightly or wrongly) interpreted as vengeful and dangerous (see Werewolves/God/Allah/Devil, etc), it’s good to have a pacifist in the mix.

2.  The Banshee:

May the road rise before you, may the crazed wailing Celt be always at your back…

The banshee is from Irish mythology and are usually seen as female spirits. They were considered to be omens of death and were believed to have come from the “otherworld”. They are generally thought to be remnants of an ancient Celtic pagan religion in which they were minor gods, spirits, or ancestors. In English they are often referred to as fairies. According to legend, banshees will wander around the outside of a house wailing when someone inside is about to die.

It’s nice to have a legendary Irish creature who’s not drunk off his/her ass. You know what I’m talking about Leprechauns. GW fully supports equal rights for banshees, including marriage.

1. Griffin: I’ll cede to the experts on this one. Apparently, everybody loves a Griffin.

The Griffin is a legendary creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. As the lion was considered the “King of the Beasts” and the eagle the “King of the Air”, the griffin was thought to be an especially powerful and majestic creature. The griffin is generally represented with four legs, wings and a beak, with eagle-like talons in place of a lion’s forelegs and feathered, equine-like ears jutting from its skull. Some traditions say that only female griffins have wings. Some writers describe the tail as a serpent. See the entry Saint George and the Dragon for a 19th century painting of St George and the dragon, showing a dragon that looks alot like a classically-conceived griffin. Classical and heraldic griffins are male and female. A “male” griffin, called a keythong in a single 15th century English heraldic manuscript, is an anomaly that belongs strictly to a late phase of English heraldry. Less commonly known to many, the griffin is a parent to the hippogriph – a combination of a horse and a griffin – even though griffens and hippogriphs are the worst of enemies.

Griffins must have really uncomfortable family parties.

Griffin: Have you thought about dental school?

Hippogriph: Jesus Christ, Mom. Will you lay off it? Just because I’m not King of the Air AND Beasts?! I’m doing fine.

Griffin: Well all I’m saying is that maybe it’s time to give it some thought. You’ve spent the last two decades galloping around California, scaring the hell out of day-laborers like a damn bum.

Hippogriph: I don’t have to take this shit. I’m out of here.

Griffin: Sure. Just gallop away. That’s what you’re good at.

Ungrateful hippogriphs.

Judgmental Clowns Liveblog S.O.T.U.

Hey, look at that: Another Obama speech. I bet it has some uplifting moments. Over/Under Standing Ovations = 47

Sexist color prediction:

Pelosi

Matt = Tan; Cort = Red w/ big pearl necklace; Kmac = Dressed Like a Funeral

Hillary

Matt = Green; Cort = Blue w/ uncomfortable smile

Special Guest?

Matt = Some sort of Troop; Cort = Hatian Survivor;  KMaC = Struggling Homeowner; Paul = Sully the Heroic Pilot Who’s Still Around

Standing O’s

Matt = 49;  Cort = 30; KMac = 35

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Pelosi = Lilac w/ Big Pearl Necklace.  Cort nails the jewelry.

Cort: Biden + Pelosi color coordinate. After party should get nuts.

Matt: Pelosi cupping microphone like ballsac. CNN is insufferable. How many people do you need? It’s like the Fox NFL pre-game.

Quick aside – check out the woman who faints on Price Is Right. A new car!

These 2 old guys announcing the president are like the Old Timers on the Muppets. Harry Reid – savor that walk down the aisle.

Long-opening w/o an applause line. I am not hearing the call for blatant partisanship.

“Stubborn resilience in the face of adversity” = not talking about congressional Democrats. A lot of votes from the people who hated the bank bailouts. Cort = scared by Geitner’s forehead. Paul = Prefers people crunching numbers to be ugly.

In truth, did recover all but 1% of TARP $ (according to Economist). Republicans won’t stand for “tax cuts.” Boehner is so Orange. All is hilarious. Obama needed to be stronger all year stressing the fact that he raised no taxes + cut taxes for 95% of workers.

I see. Republicans don’t like jobs from the Stimulus since they didn’t support it. $30 billion to community banks for local lending. Cantor shakes head. He has offered so many solutions! Capital gains cuts to small businesses.

Infrastructure. Finally. Small on details.

GOP doesn’t like American jobs. Corporate profits, not jobs. Our current economy of consumption, not production. A product of GOP policies.

America 2nd place?! What is this, Olympics gymnastics. We won’t stand for it. Fuck yeah.

Cort = Dodd + Burris seating arrangement funny. Was awkward until Hank gave Dodd the name of his mausoleum guy.

Offshore? c’mon, dude. Nancy erupts for climate bill. Creamed.

Obama knows an importer/exporter! Cort = More American Apparel! Dour Models!

What about the bullshit farm subsidies? untouchable.

Less melamine (sp?)! I heard “Panama.” Let’s see the Birth Certificate McCain!

Where are the programs for disillusioned graduates who are through 20 years of school?

There it is. Debt forgiveness! Preach it brother. Tax exempt colleges jacking kids up. Pass this stuff, son.

Light on housing, foreclosure + loan modifications through bankruptcy courts. Health care…here come the personal stories…

Childhood obesity. Change is coming to 30% of Americans kids. Huskies. Skinny kid jeans!

Indirectly calls out GOP for obstructionism. Futile call for bipartisanship. McConnell getting hard thinking about November.

Cort = Si se puede!

Honest observers know this isn’t Obama’s deficit. Needed to be more forceful with this message. Will he call for the freeze? Wait for it….

Right now: Gutted regulatory system. Crumbling middle class. Bloated defense spending. Where’s the disconnect?

Someone must sitting next to Joe Wilson with a taser. “Deficit of trust” = big part of GOP platform.

Paul = when is he going to wag his finger at Roberts for last week’s bullshit? Here we go. Fuck yourself Alito. Slippery slope to 1st Amendment rationale for allowing corporate fraud.

Cort = McCain’s Pavlovian response to “earmark.”  Jumped up and possibly crapped himself.

Bulls 68,  Thunder 66. DRose is an All-Star. Where are y0u on that, Obama?

Confirm the nominees. Are you listening, DeMint? Douchebag.

Supermajority speak. Good idea. Won’t be practiced. “I would like to begin my reaching out to Republicans…and get totally patronized.” R.e.c.o.n.c.i.l.i.a.t.i.o.n.

Foreign policy: Combat troops out of Iraq by August. Yemen in September?

Obama has been strong on Veterans’ benefits, unlike his predecessor. Biden falling asleep. Obama hits another strong issue of his – nuclear proliferation. He + Lugar have been on point trying to corral former Soviet nukes.

Special Guest! Haitian Ambassador. Cort gets it.

D.A.D.T. again. Holding my breath. Gates likes it. Thinks it’s fabulous. How are they going to enforce this regulatory (equal pay) enforcement with a spending freeze?

Cort likes closing cliches. I’m a cynical one. Summers sleeping (at the wheel).

8 year boy from Louisiana must not have a cell phone.  Uplifting closer. Calculating Ovations.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Rebuttal:  ”I am the Governor of Virginia, and behind me are some Tokens…”

Cort = Double the pleasure. Double the Proactiv. Harsh.

GOP got really smart getting live audience. Jindal killed his nat’l career last year.

Once again, “limited government…until we come to power.” Reagan tripled deficit. Bush doubled.

I love hearing how we have the “best health care system” without any supporting evidence.

Cort = this guy should be hosting a game show.

“Son, if you want a good job…you need to get an aggressively nodding asian to sit behind you while you speak.”

Guy is sweating like a Goober at a Jay-Z show.

Quotes scripture: “to whom much is given, much is required…” Just don’t raise taxes on the rich.

Paul’s closing thought = is it all for naught?

Cort = Poor Bobby Jindal. This clown has nothing on you. Lay your head on my shoulder.

That was tiring. I’m totally Plouffed.

What He Said

From Josh Marshall:

“I’m psyched that we’re done messing around with major social reforms and finally getting down to the real business of election year gimmicks.”

Sunshine On My Shoulders Makes Me Want To Fucking Rock!!!

Please don’t set his Country Music Award on fire!

Police responding to a complaint  of loud noise have cited a Fond du Lac man for “rocking out” to the music of John Denver.

A police who responded to the man’s apartment last week could hear Denver’s music through the door.

The officer pounded on the door but the man didn’t answer. Finally the officer found out the man’s name from a neighbor and called to him, bringing the man to the door.

When asked why he had the music so loud, the man said he was “rocking out.”

The 42-year-old was cited for unnecessary loud noise. The ticket could result in a fine of about $210.

The late singer is known for such hits as “Rocky Mountain High” and “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”

This is the loudest anyone has played Denver’s music since a slew of traumatic 1974 “key parties.”

Play us out, amigo…

All-American Basketball League Calls for All-White, American-Born Teams

 

Air-bino.

Bounce-Pass, Back Cut, Bounce-Pass, Left-hand lay-up. Showtime!

Move over ladies. There’s a new “WNBA” in town. And it promises to be just as enjoyable.

The All-American Basketball League announced in a news release it hopes to kick off its inaugural season this summer, according to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, with a 12-team lineup composed of all-white, American-born men.

“Only players that are natural-born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” the statement, issued on Martin Luther King weekend, reportedly read.

Don “Moose” Lewis, described as a Georgia-based boxing and wrestling promoter in a report on BET.com, denied racism was behind his move to create the segregated hoops league.

Of course not. Why do people always equate bigoted nativism to racism?!

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he told the Augusta Chronicle. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white American-born citizens [sic] are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

“Pass to the Center. Back to the Guard. Back to the Center. Set Shot. Goal In!!! And the Augusta Hooded Knights have defeated the Birmingham ShitKickers 42-41 in a cross-burner here at George Wallace Stadium.”

Lewis told the paper he defines “fundamental basketball” as different from the “street-ball” played by “people of color,” and claimed recent scandals in professional basketball — such as the gun charges dogging the Wizards‘ Gilbert Arenas – have made the creation of all-white teams a necessity.

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he told the paper. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

To get the stated result, all this guy really needs to do is prohibit the participation of Ron Artest. But instead of having “no-hand-gesture” or “no-dick-touching” rules, he’s just going to restrict access to the league like it’s a country club. Give these Southerners some credit. They’re not hiding in any Racist Closet.

The proposal was swiftly condemned by the mayor of Augusta, one of the 12 Southeastern cities the league is eyeing.

“I could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city,” Deke Copenhaver told the Augusta Chronicle.

I understand that the league already has 12 teams. I assume that includes 10 teams from the South, plus BYU and the current Indiana Pacers.

However, looking into the future – if anyone can get me some financing, I have a pretty stellar vision for an expansion team. Picture this collection of pale NBA journeymen and young honks who couldn’t get to the next level.

Your 2011/2012 Chicago Bloomington-Normal Crackers:

G – Damon Bailey: Indiana’s half-court hero will put people in the seats.

G – Steve Wojciechowski: Obligatory scrappy Pol.

The Schintz-nit

G – Tom Coverdale: Obligatory red-headed chucker.

C – Dwayne Schintzius: Obligatory mullet.

C/F – Evan Eschmeyer: Northwestern legend. 4-inch vertical. 

G/F – Tom Kleinschmidt: Another local boy (older man) makes triumphant return to amateur hoops.

G/F – Sam Jacobson:  Are Jews allowed? We’re going to need a ruling.

C – Aaron Gray: I know he’s “technically” on the Bulls, but he has the time and probably needs to stretch his legs.

G – Bobby Sura : Sorry buddy. I know you’re white, but you’re not “white.” Stop dunking so much. 

G – Gerry McNamara: Now that’s a name for the All-American Basketball Association.  This team will be gunning from downtown!

F – Joe Krabbenhoft:  Another great “American” name. Go Badgers.

F/C – Danny Schayes:  Unfortunately, Schayes was part of a promotional campaign put on by the Anti-Defamation League that depicts him slam dunking and says, “If you really believe in America, prejudice is foul play!” Sorry pal, no dunking, and certainly no promotion of tolerance.

C – Nick Smith: The former Illini player has an Adam’s Apple we can all get behind.

Player/Coach – Larry Krystkowiak: No truly white team is complete without an 80s Jazz or Bucks’ player.  Mark Eaton can assist.

I’m also waiting out Brian Cardinal’s NBA career. Nobody plays whiter. Nobody.

Our uniforms will be transcendent - shirtless with jean shorts. 

Any additional input/scouting is appreciated.  As for league promoter Don Lewis, I’ll give him credit for thinking outside the box. Mr. Lewis, here are some additional ideas you can run with. Free of charge!

Samoan Marathon

All-Blind Dart League

Asian NASCAR

Betty Ford Beer Pong

Yuppie Tractor Pull

mismatched demographic & sporting event, Etcetera.

Sarah Palin & My New Year’s Resolution

Quit Smoking. Brush up my Spanish Language skills. Stop rewarding myself with a full bottle of wine after every time I exercise.

Hello Resolven...

These are all ways I could improve myself.  But let’s be honest: I don’t smoke that much. Wine tastes good. Mi español está más allá de ayudar. Huh?

Anyway, for the last year-and-a-half, I’ve had this knot of stress sitting somewhere between my soul and kidneys. The source is readily apparent, born of annoyance, contempt and incredulity. The source is Sarah Palin. There’s a simple solution to eradicate this source of stress from my life: For 2010, I’m giving up Sarah Palin.

The timing of my resolution coincides perfectly with Palin’s move to Fox News, perhaps the most predictable hiring since Quaker Oats nabbed Wilford Brimley. Or as the newswire on avclub.com appropriately read: Fox News Hires Sarah Palin As Commentator Because Of Course They Do.

patriot

Articulating why Palin bothers me is not difficult. If you search the site archives, you’ll find many previous manifestations of my disdain. It’s obvious Palin fits the mold of many leaders of the Far Right: a media creation great at simultaneously vilifying the media and selling her self-righteous, faux-populist image; while maintaining a dangerous unfamiliarity and lack of knowledge about public policy, foreign affairs, and any culture outside of Palin’s so-called, “real America.” (See Presidents #43 and #40)

In fact, it was the “real America” bullshit that probably ignited my dislike for her. Stupidity and ignorance I understand. Hell, I can relate. However, her contempt for those not like her (urbanites, Eskimos, etc.) is palpable and disgusting. Her villainization of government employees is Reagan-esque.  By Palin’s own definition, the 9/11 attacks weren’t even perpetrated on “real america.” So instead of warmongering about countries you know nothing about, maybe you should fucking zip it.

I give Ms. Palin credit for managing her image. She’s a perfect fit for Fox News. She has cultivated her image, manipulated her followers, and is collecting some serious coin. As a more-seasoned Carrie Prejean, she plays the victim perfectly. Softball questions from Katie Couric or Charlie Gibson are quickly labeled ”gotcha” questions from a “liberal” media, only because she can’t answer them. She uses her beauty pageant and newscaster experience to deflect any valid criticism as unfair, and nonsenically answers most other questions in common clichés and colloquialisms. She promotes “her” book via facebook + lifestyle shows, refusing to talk to actual journalists outside the Fox News bubble. Amusingly, in one of her many interviews with the sycophantic fluffers of Fox News, Palin couldn’t even give Glenn Beck a straight answer:

BECK: Who’s your favorite founder?

PALIN: Um… you know… well, all of them, because they came collectively together with so much–

BECK: Bull crap. Who’s your favorite founder?

PALIN: –diverse. So much diverse opin–So much diversity in terms of belief but collectively they came together to form this union.

She ended up answering “Washington,” while simultaneously letting it be known that she didn’t like the question. In fairness, Washington is my favorite founding father too. However, I’m not sure why she was so terse. I would consider that a lightweight topic for a political entertainment show, or a 6th grade US History class.

Anyway………………

While politicians are almost universally full of hypocrisy, it’s really hard to compete with Palin:

• She rails against “big government” and ”socialism,” while formerly presiding over the country’s most socialist government.

Republicans in Congress this June united to defeat a proposed windfall tax on oil companies, deriding it as a bad idea that would discourage investment in U.S. oil exploration.

Things worked out far differently in the GOP stronghold of Alaska, a state whose economic fate is closely tied to the oil industry.

Over the opposition of oil companies, Republican Gov. Sarah Palin and Alaska’s Legislature last year approved a major increase in taxes on the oil industry — a step that has generated stunning new wealth for the state as oil prices soared.

And…

Palin’s administration last week gained legislative approval for a special $1,200 payment to every Alaskan to help cope with gas prices, which are among the highest in the country.

Bah! Socialist! And Like Beck, she supported Bush’s TARP bailout before she was against it. (just like the “Bridge to Nowhere.”)

• She indignantly chastises anyone who doesn’t pay strictly positive attention to her family, while conveniently using them as props to advance her own interests.
  

  whoa, whoa! Cashiers' check first, then leave us alone.

  To wit…

 The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

And

“Concerning Letterman’s comments  about my young daughter (and I doubt he’d ever dare make such comments about anyone else’s daughter)”

See that?! Letterman would never make a joke about anyone else. How dare he?! Leave my kids alone! My body my choice! (oh wait, that’s not it) My kids are off limits…Until Barbara Walters comes by. When’s that? 2 p.m.?

I could go on and on, but it doesn’t matter. Why? Her critics recognize all this shit, and her supporters simply don’t care. As long as she passive-aggressively blames “others,”  couches everything in folksy language, and claims a sort of divine inspiration, Palin’s “real American” supporters could care less what policies she supports or what she actually stands for, as long as she keeps feeding  them vague, populist bullshit. 

Palin has legions of blind followers. People are overcome with tears during her book tour. From Going Rogue Ghostwriter Lynn Vincent,

The room is supposed to be private, but obviously someone leaked, and before we can even be properly introduced, there’s a mob outside. One guy has photos of aborted fetuses he wants her to sign for Operation Rescue. Another guy, in a golf shirt, yells, “The magic Negro is making my money disappear, Sarah!” An elderly woman is weeping, pleading for SP to sign a photo for her grandson, who was wounded in Afghanistan.

Certainly, Obama has his share of true believers as well. But there’s one key difference: Sarah Palin is a quitter. She has quit almost everything she has ever started. She has never done anything to demonstrate that she doesn’t act solely out of self-interest.

And to take a page out of Palin’s book, I’m goin’ rogue. I’m quitting Sarah Palin.

That is not to say I will ignore Palin forever. Unlike some liberals who scoff at the idea of Palin’s political future, I think she’s a formidable figure.  This country elected fucking George W. Bush. Twice.  While I doubt she will ever be president, she is as important as any GOP member at the moment. As Nate Silver points out in his 10 Reasons That Sarah Palin Could Win the Republican Nomination:

Now then, do I think Palin is the favorite to win the Republican primary? Not necessarily. She’s certainly not the majority favorite and perhaps not the plurality favorite, depending on who runs. And you could fairly easily come up with a set of ten bullet points to argue against Palin’s chances. But I think she’ll run, and I think it would be a mistake to discount her chances too significantly given the makeup and mood of the Republican primary electorate.

Palin’s new position at Fox News will exponentially increase the amount of Palin-BS dumped on Americans. If you want, that’s something you can try to fight or put up with for the next 11 months. Not me, cuz I’m not playing this round.

So, to former Governor Palin, mother, wife, pundit, fraud, I say…til next year.

New Year’s Resolution 2008: A look back

In anticipation of my 2010 New Year’s resolution (hopefully posted after work today), I would like to take a look back at my most recent “Resolution.” Objectively speaking, I think I did a pretty good job curbing this behavior, except when I’m drunk. Thanks to everyone who helped!

Everyone,

I am humbly asking you all – friends, associates, virtual acquaintances, distant relatives – to assist me with my effort to better myself (and thus, the world) as of the arbitrary date of January 1, 2008.

You may be thinking – ‘Oh, good – another person is deciding to quit smoking.’ Or,
‘Finally that slim bastard is going to eat a couple cheeseburgers.’
Nope. I plan on living ‘08 with the same unhealthy lifestyle I’ve
lived most of my life. And it will be romanticized, and interspersed with periods of self-loathing and manic enjoyment.

My problem is a little less tangible, reaching into the complexities, or lack thereof, of the subconscious. For you see my friends, I am a sentence-finisher.

This is not a joke.  Some of you who have been around me for a long time may have already known this and just politely kept quiet while I interrupted and annoyed the shit out of you.  Until recently, I was oblivious.  However, over the past year or so I have found myself increasingly aware of this behavior, yet unable to help myself.  I will listen to people, but only up to the point where I feel I can better say what they may or may not be thinking.  At work, at home, in social situations, and even in places like the supermarket checkout line.

Cashier:  Would you like to try our spec-
Me: -the special 2 for 1 Double Stuff Oreos? No thanks – I don’t have my Jewell Card and I just came in for razor blades, these Pierogis, and an avocado. But thanks.

Where does this urge come from? I don’t know if I can really give a precise answer.  However, I do know that my Mom (Merry Christmas and God Bless her) comes from a long line of sentence-finishers. My great-grandfather Amos was once cast from town for a short period for frequent interruptions of his Pastor at Sunday Church.  During the Lord’s Prayer, Amos would use his booming voice to invoke the need for his heifers to be blessed with relatively painless, and bountiful calf-bearing pregnancies.

Pastor: “Give us this day our daily bread, and for-”
Amos: “AND forgive the time the one with the misshapen udder ate oats from the granary, as she forgives us fer calling her “Corn Crackin’ Bessie.”

If you haven’t already deleted this message, you’re probably asking one of three things:

A. What is wrong with this guy?
B. Where is the closest place to get my hands on some Oreos? OR
C. How can I help you help yourself?

I wish I had a simple answer for any of those questions.  As for the last one, I have one suggestion – make me feel like a giant tool. This should not require too much effort on your part. Sometimes none at all. But there are certain ways the interruptions can be handled.

For instance,

You:  I was thinking about -
Me: -Whether you wanted to get some Indian Food? For sure.
You: No. I was thinking about whether I wanted to punch you in the face or the kidney.

You:  Have you ever seen the one episode -
Me: -oh, the one where they have Diversity Day? Classic.
You: No, the one episode on Dateline where they talk about how people with halitosis can’t tell they have bad breath. You should check it out.

You get the idea.

In the end, it’s all about me and what you can do to help me, while thinking of me and making me a better person. Don’t forget me – I mean, don’t forget that.  Happy New Years.  2008 is gonna be good.

Any feedback is appreciated. The road is long. The path is wide. And you never know – that hitchhiker may save your life.

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Roadside Graves

Roadside Graves – My Son’s Home

An enticing, somewhat pronounced flavor, edged with garnet, but not heavy or extractive, with a seamless, long-lingering finish.

Grade:  A-

Listen to this while: Google-searching that distant cousin you thought was hot during your adolescence.

Politicizing Tragedy

Some readers have probably heard Pat Robertson’s heartfelt response to the disaster in Haiti:

And, you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, “We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.” True story. And so, the devil said, “OK, it’s a deal.”

And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other. Desperately poor…

Of course, this is not surprising from a man who blamed pagans, abortionists, feminists and gays for 9/11 & Hurricane Katrina. Blaming the victims apparently helps bring them to Christ. He probably blames victims of child molestation for making a pact with Sponge Bob, or for generally being too sexy and appealing to pedophiles. However, his statement is kind of weird considering over 90% of Haiti is Christian.

Anyway, I believe a little historical context is usually helpful. 538 does a pretty good job:

Following colonial exploitation of the island for gold, sugar, tobacco and coffee production by successive waves of Europeans, Haiti became an independent nation following the Haitian Revolution in 1793. [this is apparently what Robertson refers to as the "pact with the Devil."] Throughout the following period, however, the business interests of the global and regional powers at the time, namely French, English, American and German merchants and commodity sellers, dominated the political and economic scene.

Once the rise of the United States as a global power was complete at the turn of the 20th century, the Americans were the major foreign player in the country…U.S. military interventions in Haiti came to head in July 1915, when President Woodrow Wilson ordered several hundred U.S. Marines to invade and hold the capital Port-au-Prince, in what became a 20 year occupation of the country.

While the US Government, through its governing advisors, had the final decision about all policies that were made during that period, the U.S. did not want to be portrayed as a colonial power. Indeed, the American leadership left the Haitian parliament in function and treated all Haitians –many of the elites were of mixed black and white heritage and used to preferential treatment from European colonialists– with an equal measure of racial distaste.

Nonetheless, many have argued that economic interests, such as perceived threats to the Haitian-American Sugar Company (HASCO) by the Haitian government that came to power in early 1915, drove the intervention and occupation.

I would argue this point. Essentially, Haiti was a “Banana Republic,” only dependent more on cane sugar.

It was not until the “Good Neighbor” policy of the F.D. Roosevelt administration of the early 1930s when U.S. military and administrative forces were removed from the country, with power turned over in 1934.

U.S. forces again briefly occupied Port-au-Prince from September 1994 to March 1995, in response to a UN Security Council mandate to support constitutional government.

Today, the U.S. remains the largest trade destination for Haitian goods (more than 70 percent of exports), while imports from the United States (34 percent) are even higher than Haiti’s next door neighbor, the Dominican Republic (23 percent). U.S. official aid to the country is quite significant (USD 260 million according to OECD DAC), though quite variable, with large spikes during Operation Uphold Democracy in 1994 and 1995, and a tripling of aid from 2004 to 2008, after the 2004 coup that threw President Jean-Bertrand Aristide out of power for the last time.

Another example of the U.S. (with the assistance of other western powers) assisting in the overthrow of a democratically elected leader.  Anyone remember this? Doubtful, because (not surprisingly) the American media was almost wholly disinterested in the story at the time.  But that’s an issue for a different time (and if you want info, The Economist + BBC archives do a better job than any of the American outlets).

As ridiculous as his statement is, I understand Robertson’s motivation. That’s what he does: proselytizing 24/7 in his own “unique” way. That’s what keeps the $$$ rolling in.

But speaking of the Devil, my threshold for Rush Limbaugh is pretty high. He’s an entertainer. However, for an “entertainer,” his cult following makes him a huge influence in this country.

The White House was quick to mobilize a response to the disaster. Go to whitehouse.gov and you can donate to the Red Cross Relief efforts. Streamlining is good, and the more avenues available to provide relief, the better. But in his constant effort to disparage and undermind the Obama administration, Limbaugh had this to say:

LIMBAUGH: That place, Haiti, has been run by dictators and communists. And how long is it gonna be, how long is it gonna be before we hear Obama and the left in this country say that what we really need to do is reinstate the communist Aristide to the leadership position down there to coordinate putting the country back together? The Haitian economy is entirely dependent on foreign aid. They produce nothing — zilch, zero, nada.

Apparently, we should only aid “producers.”  You know, China.

Now the race card:

LIMBAUGH: Yes, I think in the Haiti earthquake, ladies and gentlemen — in the words of Rahm Emanuel, we have another crisis simply too good to waste. This will play right into Obama’s hands — humanitarian, compassionate. They’ll use this to burnish their — shall we say — credibility with the black community, in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community, in this country. It’s made-to-order for ‘em. That’s why he couldn’t wait to get out there. Could not wait to get out there.

I don’t really understand what this means. Here’s the “icing”:

LIMBAUGH: Would you trust the money’s gonna go to Haiti?

CALLER: No.

LIMBAUGH: But would you trust that your name is gonna end up on the mailing list for the Obama people to start asking you for campaign donations for him and other causes?

CALLER: Absolutely.

LIMBAUGH: Absolutely right.

CALLER: That’s the point.

LIMBAUGH: Besides, we’ve already donated to Haiti. It’s called the U.S. income tax.

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s only discouraging donating through the whitehouse.gov site, what do you think his audience hears?

Politicizing tragedy is what Rush does. However, even for him, this is low. Look, if you don’t want to give, that’s fine.  It’s a free country and a lot of Americans have nothing to spare. But to discourage the giving of others and to undermine a group like the Red Cross is, quite frankly, about as fucking low as it gets.

(After reading that, I of course went to whitehouse.gov and donated. And no, I didn’t have to give up my e-mail for some diabolical list.)

Rush’s implication is that he’s pulling more than his fair share because he pays the highest income tax rate.  The “rich” always tend to overstate their benevolence.

Once again, if you are looking for organizations to donate to, please check out my post from yesterday.

Earthquake in Haiti

Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Needless to say, they needed yesterday’s earthquake about as much as the plague (which they had not too long ago). Here are a few avenues to assist relief efforts from your computer:

VIA TEXT:

• Text “HAITI” to 90999 and you will be charged for a $10 donation to International Red Cross relief efforts.
• cell carriers will send on a $5 donation on your account if you text YELE to 501501.  Wyclef Jean has apparently verified this on CNN.  

VIA NGOs:

• Mercy Corps, with extensive experience responding to earthquakes (e.g., recent Indonesian Quake), quickly organizing relief effort.
• Save The Children has offices in Haiti and have begun efforts to assist.
• Oxfam International provides assistance to victims of emergencies and ongoing disasters throughout the world.  Here’s a direct link to support Oxfam’s Haiti relief effort.
• Doctors Without Borders (aka Medecins Sans Frontieres or MSF) is an international group of medical professionals who work in chronically underserved countries, emergency sites and refugee camps around the world.  They have not yet announced plans to go to Haiti, from what I can find, but they certainly will.  With the collapse of the hospital in Port-au-Prince, their help will be especially needed.
• World Vision, already on the ground, and where you can also sponsor a Haitian child under their care.
• This Org . apparently does extensive work in Haiti, but I’ve personally never heard of it before.

VIA RELIGIOUS ORG’s:

• the United Methodist Committee on Relief which uses 100% of donations for relief;
• the Quakers’ American Friends Service Committee;
• Catholic Relief Services - already on the ground.

If anyone has other recommendations, please feel free to add.

January Baseball

The last couple weeks provided a barrage of notable baseball news. I’ll get to the fraud from St. Louis in a bit, but first…

1. Congratulations to Andre Dawson, who was elected to Hall of Fame last week. This is pretty sweet because Dawson is probably the statistical epitome of a borderline Hall of Famer, and from all accounts, the former outfielder was a class act. Harpoon Harbor – a longtime advocate of the Hawk’s induction – has more extensive coverage.

438 home runs in a dead ball era (Winfield, 465; Rice, 382; Puckett, 207)

1591 RBI (Winfield, 1833 ; Rice, 1451; Puckett, 1085)

1987 MVP; runner-up in 1981 and 1983 (Winfield, no MVPs, never runner-up (amazingly) ; Rice, 1978 MVP, never runner-up; Puckett, No MVPs, runner-up 1992)

8 Gold Gloves (Winfield, 7;Rice, 0;Puckett, 6)

.277 career average (Winfield, .283; Rice, .298; Puckett .316)

314 SB (Winfield, 223; Rice, 58; Puckett, 134)

.323 OBP (Winfield, .352; Rice, .353; Puckett .360)

Regardless whether Dawson wears a Cubs’ hat, or joins Gary Carter as the only other Expo in the Hall, the Hawk’s induction should bring a smile to the faces of Cubs’ fans. After all, he was the last great Cub outfielder.

2. Speaking of the Cubs, it’s great to see Greg Maddux back with the organization. As the “Assistant TO the General Manager,” he is now the Cubs’ Dwight  Schrute. I believe this position comes with a temporary workspace and an honorary appointment as a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy. I always read Maddux just wanted to play golf when he retired. The attempt to get him into the fold is a solid move by Tom Ricketts.

3. On one last Cub note, are you fucking serious giving Ron Santo a 3-year contract extension? You have a top notch radio play-by-play guy, and you’re nullifying him by continuing to bring back this bumbling embarrassment?

4. I’m not old enough to remember some of the legendary pitchers (Koufax, Gibson, Carlton, early Mark Gubicza…), but I would be shocked if any of them were head-and-shoulders more dominant than Randy Johnson in his prime. The surly bastard was the most intimidating pitcher of his era and probably the best Lefty in my lifetime. He was a treat to watch. See you in Cooperstown.

And finally…

Yesterday’s big news was Mark McGwire’s non-apology apology for “mistakenly” using steroids (for 10 years). The timing is important. McGwire was recently hired as the Cardinals’ hitting coach, and Spring Training starts in a month. Since McGwire never directly addressed the issue, and refused to answer related questions in front of Congress, he needed to admit to what everyone (except willfully ignorant Cardinal fans) knew, in order to prevent the issue from being a major distraction for the team. The entire situation is vomit-inducing. Here’s Big Mac:

I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize. I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1989/1990 off season and then after I was injured in 1993, I used steroids again. I used them on occasion throughout the ’90s, including during the 1998 season.

I wish I had never touched steroids. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroid era.

During the mid-’90s, I went on the DL seven times and missed 228 games over five years. I experienced a lot of injuries, including a ribcage strain, a torn left heel muscle, a stress fracture of the left heel, and a torn right heel muscle. It was definitely a miserable bunch of years and I told myself that steroids could help me recover faster. I thought they would help me heal and prevent injuries, too.

What bullshit. This is not an apology and barely an admission. “I only used because I was hurt. And when I wasn’t injured, over the course of a decade, the “era” made me do it.” This isn’t “coming clean.” He’s making excuses in order to gain the sympathy of idiot Cardinals’ fans and chump writers like Rob Neyer. More from McGwire…

 I’m sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never taken steroids. I had good years when I didn’t take any and I had bad years when I didn’t take any. I had good years when I took steroids and I had bad years when I took steroids. But no matter what, I shouldn’t have done it and for that I’m truly sorry.

Translation: While the Roids gave me 65 lbs of muscle, shrunk my testes, and exacerbated my gross acne, they really didn’t effect my performance. I just happened to be on the Juice in ‘98 when I hit 70 HRs, but I very well could have done that without them, except I didn’t. And oh yeah, steroids are bad, kids.

He concludes:

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my congressional testimony, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it. I’ll do that, and then I just want to help my team.”

Garbage. The only thing he’s sorry about  is getting exposed. For anyone who wants background information on McGwire-as-fraud, this Daily News article in 2005 is top notch.

Following his “apology,” Big Mac went on Bob Costas’ show last night in order to spill some crocodile tears and hypothetically defend himself…

At one point, Costas posed to McGwire: “When we get to (your) great seasons of ‘97, ‘98, ‘99, 2000, then you start hitting homeruns once every 7 ½ times at bat, once every 8 times at bat. . Could you have done those things, could you have hit 70 homeruns, could you have had a homerun ratio greater than anything Babe Ruth did in his time, without using steroids?”

“Absolutely. I absolutely believe so,” McGwire insisted. “I was given this gift by the man upstairs. . I was given the gift to hit homeruns.”

I will crush your father's legacy. Then I will crush you.

God also gave you the gift to inject your ass with PEDs for a decade, lie about it, and collect a ton of $$ while pissing all over the legacy of Roger Maris and paying virtually no consequences for your actions. The fact is, McGwire apparently thinks we (like “Cardinal Nation”) are all idiots.

But perhaps the most despicable part of the story is not McGwire himself, but instead his two biggest enablers: Cardinals’ Manager (and former A’s manager) Tony LaRussa, and MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. 

Here’s LaRussa:

“No one on the teams I managed worked harder or better than Mark. And now, his willingness to admit mistakes, express his regret, and explain the circumstances that led him to use steroids add to my respect for him. I’ve defended Mark because I observed him develop his unique power hitting skill through a rigorous physical and fundamental work out program. He has a lot to offer our team as our hitting coach. We look forward to his being part of the 2010 Cardinals.”

And Selig:

“I am pleased that Mark McGwire has confronted his use of performance-enhancing substances as a player. Being truthful is always the correct course of action, which is why I had commissioned Senator George Mitchell to conduct his investigation. This statement of contrition, I believe, will make Mark’s reentry into the game much smoother and easier.

“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually non-existent as our testing results have shown. The so-called “steroid era” – a reference that is resented by the many players who played in that era and never touched the substances – is clearly a thing of the past, and Mark’s admission today is another step in the right direction.”

The bullshit is so thick that it’s not even worth the smell to analyze these ridiculous statements.  Both these guys knew Mac was on the Juice. They were complicit and lined their own pockets on the pock-marked back of McGwire.

You can probably pick up almost any paper today, and find writers full of sympathy and forgiveness for McGwire and his self-serving apology.  To me, the guy remains a total fraud, and his insincere, excuse-heavy “admission” just reinforces this notion.

As for Cardinals’ fans? I’m sure he’ll get a standing O on Opening Day – just like LaRussa did after his one-game suspension for his DUI. Stay classy, St. Louis.

Yesterday’s Moment In False Equivalency

Some Beltway-Bubble Wisdom from David Broder:

Was Christmas Day 2009 the same kind of wake-up call for Barack Obama that Sept. 11, 2001, had been for George W. Bush?

The near-miss by a passenger plotting to blow up an American airliner as it flew into Detroit seems to have shocked this president as much as the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon did the last.

Both presidents had had plenty of warnings in the form of threats and even incidents. But both were caught off guard: Bush reading to a classroom of youngsters; Obama on a family vacation in Hawaii.

Bush reacted with anger and a determination to punish the people who wreaked the havoc. Obama was just as mad, but a good portion of his anger was targeted at the members of his own intelligence bureaucracy who he said had missed the abundant clues and failed to forestall the attack. Like Bush, he vowed to see that the consequences also fell on the foreign country that gave birth to the plot — Afghanistan eight years ago, Yemen today.

“Plot” is an awfully interesting word to describe some disillusioned brat who strapped some explosives to his dong. And since Yemen is home to some al Qaeda members (likely because of astronomical illiteracy, unemployment, and a weak central government), the bomber met with some guy in Yemen, (no doubt a place Broder only knows from crossword clues) what response does Beltway Wisdom dictate?

For now, we are conducting a proxy war in Yemen, but that may change. Al-Qaeda’s local enablers must learn that there is a price to be paid when Uncle Sam is attacked from their bases.

More war! Yes. Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia, and now Yemen. And way to get folksy with the “Uncle Sam” reference. Really gets the blood going. Of course More Occupation = A Safer America.   

Many have been looking for a similar shift of tone in his dealings with the dictators in Iran and North Korea and even in his tolerance for the politics-as-usual maneuverings of many Republicans and some Democrats in Congress.

Strawmen! Get after it, Broder! Tool.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

As for Today’s “moment,” Josh Marshall  sums it up nicely:

Talking about racism does not make you racist; advocating racism does.

Reaping the Fear

The Usual Suspects have jumped all over the thwarted Christmas plane bombing. Obviously, Dick Cheney led the grandstanding, with many acolytes not far behind, all ready to capitalize on the attempted murder of 300 people. At least Newt “tells it like it is” when it comes to Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI), who waited about a minute and a half before using the incident to solicit campaign donations:

GINGRICH: In Michigan, I think Pete Hoekstra is putting together such a good campaign and has gotten such a boost out of having been intelligence committee chairman now with the attempted attack on Detroit that Pete really is becoming a dominant figure in the state.

I think that was part of why Lt. Governor Cherry probably dropped out. He’s faced with a president who clearly couldn’t have defended Detroit. We were lucky that the terrorist didn’t know how to set off the bomb or we would have had a huge disaster.

It’s really a shame for Hoekstra that nobody died. He might be Emperor of Michigan by now.

Obama has faced criticism for not using the right labels, and for apparently not yelling,  ”We are at War!!” loud enough for their grandchildren to hear it in their sleep. Of course we’re at war, you fucking tards. That’s why people keep trying to bomb us. Maybe if we didn’t preemptively invade so many predominantly Muslim countries, or blindly provide support for every act of Israeli aggression, there might not be so many fucking savages trying to murder Americans.  War means that both sides are attacking. Is this irony lost?

While I find it refreshing that Obama admitted to some systemic problems with our national security apparatus (humans make mistakes?), that only means so much.  The sad thing is that one reason the Republican criticism rings hollow is because Obama (with some exceptions) has essentially maintained the  national security practices of the last 8 years. Quite frankly, I might feel a little safer if he went a different direction.

That being said, the GOP will use this incident to wag their dicks and try to captalize politically. And the 24-hr news media will eat this shit up, as they always do, because nothing sells like fear – it particular, fear in the form of a Muslim on a plane.

Perrspectives.com does a great job illustrating the blatantly obvious hypocrisy of these assholes, reinforcing the point that Dick Cheney, Pete Hoekstra, Peter King, and the rest of these blowhards have absolutely NO credibility when it comes to national security. I’d ask them to ’shut the fuck up,’ but wouldn’t want to force Politico to practice actual journalism.

On Tuesday, President Obama described the failed Christmas airliner attack as a “potentially disastrous” failure of the system, one “that’s not acceptable, and I will not tolerate it.” Unsurprisingly, the usual mouthpieces of the right like Peter King and Ron Christie have fanned out to demand “someone will have to go” and that Obama “fire those staff members who have failed their president and failed their nation.” Even more predictable, of course, is that those same Republican voices were silent as President Bush not only sidestepped accountability but rewarded those responsible for bungling the catastrophes of 9/11, the invasion of Iraq and terror threats real or imagined.

Here, then, are 10 moments in GOP accountability for terrorism.

1. “I’m sure something will pop into my head.”
During a prime-time press conference on April 13, 2004, President Bush was asked what mistakes he had made and what lessons he had learned in the wake of the 9/11 attacks. Even after 9/11, Osama Bin Laden’s escape from Tora Bora, the lack of Saddam’s WMD and the growing tragedy in Iraq, Bush answer was, in a nutshell, “none.”

“I’m sure something will pop into my head here…I don’t want to sound like I’ve made no mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.”

2. Presidential Medal of Freedom Recipients
Eight months later, George W. Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to CIA Director George Tenet, General Tommy Franks and Ambassador Paul Bremer. Each was a key architect of the American catastrophe in Iraq – and so much else.

As the Washington Post reported:

In the East Room of the White House, Bush said he had chosen the trio because they “played pivotal roles in great events” and made efforts that “made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty.”

Sadly, as history had already recorded, not so much.

Tenet didn’t merely preside over the CIA during the cataclysm of 9/11, but had claimed finding WMD in Iraq was a “slam dunk.” As head of the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) in Baghdad, Bremer’s disbanding of the Iraqi army and ill-advised policy of de-Baathification helped fuel the insurgency which later killed thousands of U.S. soldiers. And as we now know, General Franks refused to give the green light to send American forces to Tora Bora in December 2001, missing perhaps the only opportunity to destroy Osama Bin Laden and the Al Qaeda leadership once and for all.

3. “You’ve covered your ass, now.”
On August 6th, 2001, Bush received and was briefed on the now notorious PDB which ominously warned just five weeks before the September 11 attacks that Osama Bin Laden was determined to strike in the United States. President Bush’s response to the briefing, as Ron Suskind revealed in June 2006, was one for posterity:

“All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.”

4. “I believe the title was…”
For all of Presideny Bush’s vulgar cynicism, his administration’s nonchalance about the growing threat from Bin Laden was perhaps best expressed by then National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. Rice, who held the first principals meeting to discuss the Al Qaeda danger only on September 4, 2001, was asked about the PDB memo in April 2004 by 9/11 Commissioner Richard Ben-Veniste:

BEN-VENISTE: Isn’t it a fact, Dr. Rice, that the August 6 PDB warned against possible attacks in this country? And I ask you whether you recall the title of that PDB?RICE: I believe the title was, “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.”

5. “I don’t think anybody could have predicted…”
Two weeks later on April 24, 2004, Rice took to the op-ed pages of the Washington Post to argue, “No al-Qaeda threat was turned over to the new administration.” And in an argument she would later make repeatedly, Rice first introduced the now ubiquitous “nobody could have predicted” defense on May 16, 2002:

“I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into the Pentagon; that they would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as a missile. All of this reporting about hijacking was about traditional hijacking.”

Even as President Bush’s tenure was in its last throes, White House spokesman Tony Fratto in January 2009 showed that Rice’s talking point had legs. Spoon-fed by Fox News anchor Jon Scott’s suggestion that “nobody was thinking that there’d be terrorists flying 767s into buildings at that point,” Fratto reliably coughed up the laughably discredited sound bite:

“That’s true. I mean, no one could have anticipated that kind of attack – or very few people.”

Of course, many people – among them Bush counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke – had anticipated precisely that. On January 25, 2001, Clarke, who also helped lead the 1996 effort to protect the Atlanta Olympics from, among other things, threats from hijacked aircraft, handed the Bush national security team famous Delenda plan for attacking Al Qaeda.

6. Bush Opposes the Creation of the 9/11 Commission
On Wednesday, Congressman Peter King continued his assault on President Obama for his handling of the underwear bomber. King complained:

“The administration has not been very forthcoming in telling Congress what happened, how it happened, when it happened, so I’m not in a full position right now to say.”"This administration tells very little, unlike previous administrations.”

As King conveniently omitted, the previous administration opposed the creation of the 9/11 Commission. As CBS reported in May 2002:

President Bush took a few minutes during his trip to Europe Thursday to voice his opposition to establishing a special commission to probe how the government dealt with terror warnings before Sept. 11.Mr. Bush said the matter should be dealt with by congressional intelligence committees…

“I have great confidence in our FBI and CIA,” the President said in Berlin, adding that he feels the agencies are already improving their information sharing practices.

Facing mounting public pressure for a full accounting the September 11 disaster, President Bush later relented, notifying Congress that “Now that the work of the intelligence committees is nearing its end, we must take the appropriate next steps.” Still, Bush himself refused to testify under oath to the 9/11 panel, and appeared only in the presence of Vice President Dick Cheney. And throughout, 9/11 Commission chairman Tom Kean (R-NJ) complained the Bush administration withheld information and documents essential to its investigation.

Carp Week

The worlds of science, law and politics are colliding in the Great Lakes, and it’s all because of some bottom-feeders.  Not some BP execs.  Not Chicago politicians. Not the people battling over Ted Williams’ cryogenically frozen head. Who then? The Asian Carp. Here’s some background:  

THEY came to America in the 1970s, where they were employed to eat up algae in the fish farms of Arkansas. Before long, however, they had found their way to the vast Mississippi River basin. Gobbling plankton and spawning fast, they competed with native species. Steadily they moved north, closer and closer to the Great Lakes, which hold 90% of America’s surface freshwater. And then, on November 20th 2009, federal and state agencies announced that DNA from Asian carp had been found about eight miles (13km) from Lake Michigan, in a canal near Chicago. Panic has reigned ever since.  

More than a dozen federal, state and local agencies are trying to fend off the invaders. Since November there have been poisonings and press conferences, announcements and legal manoeuvres. On December 21st, cheered on by environmentalists, Michigan’s attorney-general filed a lawsuit in the Supreme Court, demanding that the waterways connecting Lake Michigan to the Mississippi be closed. In the battle of man versus carp, man seems thoroughly outmatched.  

Amen to that.   

So Arkansas…What the Fuck?!  Ironically, the state of Arkansas is nicknamed “The Natural State.” Because apparently, spreading their plagues throughout the rest of the country comes natural to them. (See Wal-Mart.)  

Biologists fear the fish will devastate the lakes’ $7 billion fishery and damage an already fragile ecosystem. Yet the problem is wholly man-made. Asian carp belong in Asia, not Arkansas. And the Great Lakes have no natural connection to the Mississippi. It was engineers who dug the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal to divert the city’s sewage away from its drinking water. The canal now has two underwater electric barriers designed to repel fish, but these were installed after years of delay.  

no boy scout picnic

Officials are trying various tactics. In early December 2,200 gallons (8,300 litres) of poison was dumped into the canal. More than $3m was spent and thousands of dead fish were dragged from the water. But there was only one Asian carp among them. Then, on December 14th, the Environmental Protection Agency announced that $13m would be spent to prevent carp from washing into the canal from nearby waterways. Such efforts are dismissed as footling by many environmental-advocacy groups, who want to separate the lakes from the Mississippi for good.  

This would, of course, disrupt freight traffic. There is also the issue of Chicago’s sewage. Fights over such changes could drag on for years, and in the meantime Asian carp could surge into Lake Michigan. No one can say for certain what would come next, but the possibilities are ugly. At the very least, boaters might have to adapt. Duane Chapman of the United States Geological Survey has spent years studying Asian carp in the Mississippi basin. A jumping silver carp once smacked his boat’s throttle, sending his vessel careering up the river bank.  

Michigan’s Attorney General filed suit in the Supreme Court asking that several locks on waterways south of Chicago be closed immediately. Minnesota, New York, Ohio and Wisconsin and the Canadian province of Ontario have joined this suit.  

Illinois, named as a defendant in the lawsuit along with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and a Chicago agency, submitted papers Tuesday saying Michigan had not made a convincing case for an immediate court order. At this point, the Feds agree with this position.  

GW will keep all 3rd Coasters updated on the matter, but I’m pretty sure the only good that will come out of this is the possible inspiration for a kick ass Gordon Lightfoot song.

Gettin’ Neighed

Equine Wanker!

An arrest warrant has been issued for a Leicester man accused of having sex with a horse and a donkey, after he failed to turn up to court.

Joseph Squires, of Overpark Avenue, is charged with a serious sexual offence against a donkey between February and April 1999 and a horse in March 2004.

He is also accused of criminal damage to the animals during the same dates.

The 66-year-old was due to appear at Leicester Crown Court earlier for a plea and case management hearing.

Mr Squires did not attend court and it was heard he had lost touch with his solicitors. Judge Michael Pert QC issued a bench warrant for his arrest.

I'm with ya, buddy.

This does not help the case for the British ladies.

So Mr. Squires, apparently not satisfied with fucking donkeys, felt the urge to move on to horses. I’ve watched enough crime dramas to know what this means. This guy is “escalating.” All camels and dromedaries on the island should take proper precautions. Sarah Jessica Parker – I recommend you stay in the States.

Authorities put out an APB for Mr. Squires. No word yet on his whereabouts, but they’re pretty sure he escaped on horseback.

Homophobi-ad

Campaign season is quickly approaching, and if this radio ad is any indication, Andy Martin is going to bring the fucking crazy:

I’m Andy Martin, Republican candidate for United States Senator. I approved this message because Illinois Republicans deserve the truth about their candidates.

I have over forty years of experience and integrity fighting corruption, and fighting for the truth in politics.

I helped expose many of Barack Obama’s lies in 2008.

Today, I am fighting for the facts about Mark Kirk. Illinois Republican leader Jack Roeser says there is a, “solid rumor that Kirk is a homosexual.”  Roeser suggests that Kirk is part of a Republican Party homosexual club. Lake County Illinois Republican leader Ray True says Kirk has surrounded himself with homosexuals.

Mark Kirk should tell Republican voters the truth.

I’m Andy Martin a Republican you can trust for U.S. Senator. Please vote for Andy Martin. Paid for by Illinois Republicans for Andy Martin.

I’m no fan of IL. Rep. Mark Kirk (R-Traitorous), but he’s apparently what passes for a “moderate” Republican these days. Could this be one of those newfangled “teabagger v. typical asshat primaries for the feeble soul of the GOP” that we keep hearing about? It looks like the gauntlet has been thrown. And the gauntlet is gay innuendo.

This is Andy Martin, and I heard from a guy that Andy pressed his syphilitic cock against a bus window right before he kidnapped this child.

As for Martin, you may remember him from such memorable roles as:

- Anthony Robert Martin-Trigona, the man who once ran for Congress and called his committee the Campaign to Exterminate Jew Power in America;

-The person accused of starting false rumors that President Obama is secretly a Muslim;

-The man who (in a 1983 bankruptcy case) called the judge ‘a crooked, slimy Jew who has a history of lying and thieving common to members of his race.”

You know – the perfect candidate to carry the teabagging banner in the state of Illinois. See you on the trail, you crazy bastard!

The Crimson Cried

Having trouble determining a rooting interest for tomorrow night’s BCS Championship Game? Well, if Alabama head coach and arrogant carpetbagger Nick Saban doesn’t make you want to throw on some burnt orange apparel, this might: [via deadspin]

Tomorrow night’s forecast for Birmingham, Alabama, calls for freezing temperatures and snow, possibly mixed with rain. It’s a Southern TV meteorologist’s wet dream. Which is why everyone is preemptively pissed at them for interrupting the BCS Championship with storm updates.

Sounds like some pretty bad weather. Maybe they’ll have to cancel classes at University of Alabama, located in nearby Tuscaloosa.  What’s that? The public university already cancelled 3 days of classes for a 3 hour sporting event? Excellent. I guess when your institution is ranked between SUNY-Stony Brook and UC-Riverside, you’ve earned a post-Christmas-break break. Anyway…

Keep in mind, these break-in weather updates have not actually taken place yet…but [esteemed local journalist] Paul Finebaum, scared the bejezzus out of everyone by convincing them that the game interruptions would definitely happen and allegedly called ABC weatherman James Spann a “fraud.”

Yet, the station was besieged with “personal, nasty threats” for not yet doing something that they never said they would do in the first place. The station has been forced to repeatedly promise that they won’t steal one second of precious football from the locals’ picture boxes.

Bah' Finebaum!

Look, all America can agree that the job of weatherman is easily mocked (Keep fuckin’ that chicken!). And while I understand that in Alabama, “U of A sports journalist” probably ranks right between Governor and Cross Burner; it’s still pretty ridiculous to preemptively blow you fucking stacks over the possibility of a 5-second interruption, or some flashing graphic in the corner of the screen. God forbid some poor sap working 3rd-shift gets informed about driving conditions.

I hope there’s an ice storm and a huge fucking blackout in Birmingham. Good luck, Mother Nature. (half-hearted) Hook ‘em Horns…

Help Yourself. Help The World. Then Brag About How You’re A Wonderful Person.

Today’s Subject: Fish & Such.  

A tuna has been sold at auction in Tokyo’s fish market for 16.28 million yen ($175,000, £109,000),  

Tuna stocks are running low, but it tastes so f'n good! What should I do?

the highest price paid in Japan for nine years.  

No word if the purchaser paid cash, put 5% down, or is planning to move his family into the starter bluefin tuna. 

 I enjoy seafood.  I’ve always loved sushi, and bluefin tuna (Tsukji) was often a part of my order. In fact, if you saw me at sushi place, and I was a foot shorter, millions richer, and a bigger douchebag, you might confuse me with Jeremy Piven.     

Homo sapiens have done their best to mess with oceanic ecosystems. On the other hand, seafood can please the tongue. On yet another hand, some fish like tuna contain so much mercury (poison) that it is not really safe to eat. So is it possible to be healthy, show respect for the sea, and maintain the smug satisfaction of letting people know you saw the local weatherman at that new overpriced Japanese restaurant? Let’s see. 

Sustainability According to the WWF, unless catches are dramatically reduced (as in a complete halt to fishing in May and June), spawning bluefin tuna will entirely disappear from the east Atlantic by 2012.  

 Sergi Tudela, Head of Fisheries and WWF Mediterranean said,  

Mediterranean (Atlantic) bluefin tuna is collapsing as we speak and yet the fishery will kick off again tomorrow for business as usual. It is absurd and inexcusable to open a fishing season when stocks of the target species are collapsing. 

When new quota levels for bluefin tuna were set last November (‘08), amid political wrangling, they were described as being a ‘mockery of science’, ignoring the evidence that the East Atlantic bluefin tuna populations were falling so quickly that they could soon be listed as an endangered species.  

And that’s just the Atlantic. No one catches or eats more bluefin and yellow tail tuna than the Japanese. The fact is, we’re overfishing with no end in sight.   

Mercury  

From a recent article in The Economist: 

A recent study by the US Geological Survey (USGS) found traces of methylmercury, a form of mercury that is readily absorbed, in every fish sampled in 291 streams across the country. In around a quarter of those fish, the amount of mercury was above the level set by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as safe for human consumption. Mercury levels at more than two-thirds of the sites exceeded what scientists believe fish-eating mammals, such as mink and otters, should ingest. 

The leading source of mercury is pollution from coal-burning power plants, which accounts for 40% of all domestic anthropogenic mercury, according to the EPA. It is emitted through smokestacks and deposited in rain and snow, often making its way into the water. Mercury can be toxic, and adult exposure to it can lead to reproductive problems, memory loss and tremors. Prenatal and infant exposure can cause mental retardation, deafness and blindness. The National Research Council, an organisation that looks at science and public policy, estimates that more than 60,000 children are born each year at risk of learning disabilities because they have been exposed to methylmercury in the womb. 

The fish lobby points out that the USGS findings do not necessarily damn the commercial fish industry, as most of the fish people eat comes from the ocean and not from freshwater streams. But mercury levels are high in marine fish, too—particularly in larger species, such as shark, tuna and swordfish. Mercury accumulates as it works its way up the food chain. A report released earlier this year by Harvard and the USGS forecasts that mercury levels in the Pacific Ocean will rise by 50% by 2050 as emissions from coal-fired power plants increase. 

Consumers are now trying to understand how the USGS study’s findings should influence their eating habits.. This shows the need for clearer guidance from the EPA and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) on fish consumption by pregnant women, says Richard Wiles of the Environmental Working Group, which keeps an eye on toxins in food. He says the FDA has “historically been in the pocket of the tuna industry”, and has failed to give specific directives about how to get the health benefits of fish while avoiding mercury.  The news about mercury also underscores the importance of developing a federal policy to control emissions. 

 What to do?  

Waiting for the nations of the world to agree on (yet alone, enforce) catch limits or limit on pollutants is probably an exercise in futility. If the ramifications of your food consumption tickles your conscience, here’s a pretty standard list of the “eco-impact” of popular seafood. 

Eco-Best 

• Char, Arctic (farmed)
• Crab, Dungeness
• Mussels
• Oysters (farmed)
• Sablefish (Alaska, Canada)
• Salmon, wild (Alaska)
• Sardines, Pacific (U.S.)
• Shrimp, pink (Oregon)
• Trout, rainbow (farmed)
• Tuna, albacore (U.S., Canada)
• All Eco-Best Fish »

Eco-OK

• Clams (wild)
• Cod, Pacific (trawl)
• Crab, snow/tanner
• Flounder/sole (Pacific)
• Lobster, American/Maine
• Scallops, sea (U.S., Canada)
• Shrimp (U.S. wild)
• Squid
• Tilapia (Latin America)
• Tuna, canned light
• All Eco-OK Fish »

Eco-Worst

• Chilean sea bass
• Grouper
• Orange roughy
• Rockfish (trawl)
• Salmon, farmed/Atlantic
• Shark
• Swordfish (imported)
• Tilefish (Gulf of Mexico/South Atlantic)
• Tuna, bigeye/yellowfin (imported longline)
• Tuna, bluefin

All Eco-Worst Fish »

  

If you need a tuna fix, the MSC recommends white albacore tuna. Unfortunately, I can’t shake the idea that these hippies may be right: 

Faced with ocean acidification, coral reef die-offs, dead zones, the doubtful shadow of oceanic geoengineering, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, piracy caused by overfishing, chemical and sonic pollution – and now the starvation of larger marine animals – isn’t it time to do the oceans a favour by eating less fish or not at all? 

Swim on, you crazy diamonds.

Childless Guy Judges Parents

Welcome to the 2nd installment of the newly renamed feature, Childless Guy Judges Parents. The 1st post can be found here.

Today’s case takes us to the Land of Lincoln:

Chip off the ol' Cop. ha!

Raymond Martin had been sheriff in tiny Gallatin County, Illinois, for 20 years. So when he was arrested on federal drug and gun charges last May for allegedly running a large-scale marijuana dealing operation out of his police SUV, residents were shocked.

But that was only the beginning.

On Saturday, when Martin’s wife Kristina and 20-year-old son Cody came to visit him at the jail, they were both promptly arrested. All three were charged Monday on state murder-for-hire charges.

Looks like Papa Sheriff used his wife and child in a scheme to kill 2 of the Feds’ witnesses in his upcoming drug case. 

I can judge the shit out of this guy. When my hypothetical son turns 20, he’ll need to have his own pot selling franchise far away from me. You don’t need to be a corrupt cop to know how to avoid criminal liability so that you don’t go down when your son gets busted - a son who will obviously be stunted by a dysfunctional upbringing. 

Martin allegedly said of a pot-dealing competitor: I’ll “put the fear of God in him.” 

He followed this with, ”And if my son doesn’t get his act together and enroll in [local community college], I’m going to make him and the Mrs. help me kill [the Dealer] AND make the freeloading deadbeat move out of the fuckin’ basement.”

The Worldwide Leader In Dimensions…

If you’re like me, you’ve turned on ESPN to watch a lot of meaningless sporting events – say, a Big West Mens’ Basketball Conference Tournament game between Pacific University and Long Beach State, or maybe the Midwest Regional Jack Russell Steeple Chase.  Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be there – you know, and actually see Dick Vitale’s spittle accumulate on my eyeglasses…”? Patience friends:

Can Tebow's 3D tears cure you?

 According to The Hollywood Reporter’s “Live Feed” blog, ESPN is set to be at the vanguard of 3D television, via a new 3D network due to launch this summer. And what can you expect to see on that network? “Up to 25 World Cup matches, the 2011 BCS National Championship Game, college basketball and football, and the Summer X Games.”

Unbeknownst to me, the 3D fad did not end with mid-80s movies like Friday the 13th Part III and Captain EO. So get ready for an extra dimension of fun! 

However, with ESPN self-promotion and over-the-top enthusiasm already “up to eleven,” you may want to consult your physician before watching that 3D Duke/UNC hoops game.

Side Effects may include:

• Kenny Mayne-opause;
• Gruden’s Superlative Turrets of Excellence;
• Mel Kiper Jun-phoma;
• Bermaholism;
• Stephen A. Smith-Induced Angry Epilepsy;
• Realization that Mike Patrick is an even bigger tool than initially believed.
• Bob Ley-Z Eye. (also known by its wannabe street name – Stuart Scottigmatism);
• Tony Crohn-heiser’s disease (symptoms may include Michael Wilbonstipation);
• Holly Rowe-mania.

You get the idea.

Oh, the places you’ll go…most likely a bar or your couch.

2009 One Last Time

You probably can’t wait to put the last godforsaken decade behind us.  I agree 100%.  However, before this happens, let’s give 2009 one more “courtesy flush.”

The one 2009 movie you should see: Food, Inc.

Movie franchise abomination that needs to be left in the godforsaken 2000’s: Transformers.

Most underappreciated television show: Breaking Bad.

Best trio of old-timey character actors on television: Harry Dean Stanton,

bad ass

Grace Zabriskie, Mary Kay Place, Big Love.

Best television channel I discovered: NFL’s Comcast RedZone.

Most disappointing television show: Bored to Death.  Schwartzman, Galifianakis and Danson? Should be amuzing. Snoozer.

Best Non-Fiction Book few people read: The Dead Hand, David Hoffman.

Local Food of the Year: The Brussel Sprout.

Worst Trend in Hair:  The black man-faux-hawk. First the Eurotrash. Then the gays. Now the African-Americans. Arabs, be careful. 

Best sports’ personnel moves I begrudgingly acknowledge:  Yankees throw huge $ at C.C., Burnett and Tex.  Paid off big time.

Favorite sports success: Young Blackhawks make run to Conference Finals. Look prime for years to come. 

Favorite sports failure:  Charlie Weis.

Finally…Quotes of 2009!!!

“I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. … When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway.” —Vice President Joe Biden, dispensing handy tips to protect against the swine flu and freaking us out, “Today Show” interview, April 30, 2009

“I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop.” — Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 79, who is producing a single with rapper Snoop Dogg.

“You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.” Jesse Ventura, during a CNN interview May 11.

“It’s almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground” -Terrell Owens.

“Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” —Rush Limbaugh, June 12, 2009

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you… Imma let you finish. But Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!” Kanye West, being an asshole.

“Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.” —a Twitter post by Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI), comparing the mass uprising of Iranians — utilizing Twitter as an organizing tool — to the GOP’s attempt to express dissatisfaction over Nancy Pelosi’s decision to adjourn Congress before an energy vote last year.

“What’s up London?” — Britney Spears addressing audience at her show in Manchester.

“We were aware the animal was unpredictable and it is being treated with pills for depression.” — Bernadette Chirac, wife of former French president Jacques Chirac who was mauled by his pet poodle Sumo.

“People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn’t have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless.” —a July 31 editorial in Investor’s Business Daily warning about end-of-life counseling in health care reform. Hawking, in fact, lives in England and has been treated by their National Health Service, which, by his own account, saved his life

“And of course, here you go. I still love her, but she’s retarded too.” Guy Ritchie on ex-wife Madonna to Esquire magazine.

“UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.” – President Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare, while simultaneously undercutting his own argument,

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” —Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford was president, April 28, 2009

During some playful banter between legendary New York broadcaster Ernie Anastos and weatherman Nick Gregory on FOX 8, the following exchange occurred:
Anastos: “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast.”
Gregory, looking confused: “I guess that’s me.”
Anastos: “Keep fucking that chicken.”
Co-anchor Dari Alexander: [eyes bug out of head] (Watch video)

“This president I think has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture….I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people, I’m saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist.” —Glenn Beck, on Obama, July 28, 2009

“The coach asked me if I knew how to get into a 3-point stance. I said, no, but I know how to steal a Buick Regal.” – Darnell Dockett, Cardinals defensive tackle, describing his troubled youth, Jan. 28.

“It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: ‘Sit down and shut up,’ but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out.” —Sarah Palin, quitting her job as governor, July 3, 2009

and my favorite quote of the year…

“Shout out to President Obama. How you doooooin? Oh, and shout out to all the people with athlete’s foot out there! I feel you!” –Wendy Williams, The Wendy Williams Show (via The AV Club)

2009 – The People We Like

"Oh, Beeyill..."

I like you. Do you like me? Here are Gratuitous World’s favorite people of 2009.  

10. Anna Paquin: Until my Old Lady sat me down to watch HBO’s True Blood, I scoffed at the recent interest in Vampire-related media. After all, I thought we went through that phase in the 90s. Not to mention the 1890s. Paquin’s character is a refreshing female lead, not afraid to stand up for her convictions, or take her top off. Titties!  

9. Dr. Atul Gawande: Gawande’s New Yorker article, The Cost Conundrum, was the best piece I read on America’s broken health care system. While avoiding much of the finger-pointing that makes up the current “debate,” Dr. Gawande’s article addresses many fundamental behaviors in need of correction, including those of doctors, patients, hospitals and insurance companies. While offering no “magic bullets,” he does offer concrete examples of systems such as the Mayo Clinic and Grand Junction, Colorado, where good care and coverage are provided, while costs remain low. Great article.  

a lot going on here?

8. Phish: I was skeptical when one of my favorite bands announced their return after a 5-year absence. Anyone who saw their disastrous final ‘04 effort at Coventry knows what I’m talking about. However, a little time off and some sobriety have done the men well. They’re having fun on stage and the audience is returning the favor. Following the band’s tours provided me with much enjoyment over the year. And yes, I did rank the “jam band” Phish between a widely renowned doctor and a Supreme Court Justice.  Please feel free to bring the ridicule.

7. Justice Sonja Sotomayor:  In 2009, I discovered “empathy” was a naughty, naughty word.  And of course we found out “judicial activism” now means any decision in disagreement with Conservative dogma.  We also discovered your sex and ethnic background are really important, unless of course you’re an old white man.  On a related note, if you graduate at the top of your class at 2 Ivy League Institutions, and you’re not a white male, it’s obviously the result of affirmative action.  

While Sotomayor has yet to surprise with her votes on the bench or author any transcendent opinions, she’s on this list for handling her confirmation with class. She had more federal judicial experience than any nominee for the Court in the last 100 years. She was more than qualified, yet had to let bigots like Sen. Jeff Sessions drag her through the mud for weeks.  While I understand the nature of confirmation hearings, I don’t think I’ve seen so many (untrue + unneccessary) personal attacks levied at a SC candidate in my lifetime. That includes you, Justice Thomas.  

Sotomayor handled the entire circus with grace and class – especially for a hot-blooded Latina!  

6. David Rohde: Unless Dick Cheney wants to talk out of his ass about something, America’s mainstream media hasn’t paid much attention to our actual conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan for about 6 years. That’s one reason Rhode’s 5-part NYT series “Held By The Taliban” is so powerful. Rohde spent almost a year in captivity, and this series provides amazing (and much-needed) insight into our enemies, their culture, and the daunting challenges presented to our troops and the region’s civilians. Please read it.  

5. Dr. George Tiller (deceased): ”In 1993, George Tiller was shot in both arms. He did not let this stop him from returning to work and helping women caught in the most difficult of circumstances. He continued in his work despite daily harassment. He continued in his work despite being labeled a “baby killer” no less than 28 times by Bill O’Reilly. He continued despite lies told about him by O’Reilly and others. He continued until an anti-abortion activist entered the church where he was attending worship, and shot George Tiller through the eye at close range.”  

4. David Eggers: Screenplays for Where the Wild Things Are and Away We Go are both laudable, but his book Zeitoun was the true highlight of Eggers’ prolific year.  

3. Stephen T. Colbert:  Stephen did nothing specific, except maintain the most intelligent, creative, and humorous show on television. Suck it, Charlie Rose.  

2. The Ricketts’ Family + Rocky Wirtz: While the Ricketts family has yet to do much, listening to the new Chicago Cubs’ owners talk about their vision for the franchise makes me smile. For decades, the Tribune and Wrigley corporations ran this franchise into the ground. They continue to be a laughingstock, but I sense a bright future ahead – right after they unload Soriano’s contract in 4 years.  

While it’s never easy to lose a father, it was readily apparent what Rocky Wirtz needed to do in order to bring fans back to the Chicago Blackhawks. He first needed his father (“Dollar” Bill) to die so he could take over the team. He then needed to put the games back on tv. Genious! Finally, add the best young team in the NHL and hockey is back in Chicago for the first time since Larmer, Chelios, and Roenick made it happen in the early 90s. Fantastic!

1. The Iranian Opposition: Every year in countries we don’t care about, courageous people put their lives on the line to protest injustice and attempt to effect needed change. Obviously, in places like Myanmar and Sudan, struggles against oppressive regimes are ongoing. Kudos to those who keep fighting.   

   

While we clearly pay a lot of attention to Iran for different reasons, the continued opposition to the election fraud, violence, and overall oppression is truly amazing. While these disillusioned masses don’t represent the entire country, the images have been poignant and their ongoing fight against a misguided and corrupt regime is truly inspirational. 

Hopefully, this is one occasion where America can sit back and watch this unfold organically.  So to those with a warped interpretation of “American exceptionalism” and a selective memory of history(1953) – people like Mike Pence and Joe Lieberman - please shut the fuck up on the matter. Good luck in 2010.  

_____________________________________________________________________________

Thanks to Paul for his assistance.  This decade should be better. Let’s rock out 2009.  

The Douchenozzles of 2009 – A Retrospective

It’s hard to follow-up a year like 2008.  After all, election years like that can bring out the douchenozzle in all of us.  But 2009 has no shortage of people we can’t stand – old friends and new assholes, all about to be ridiculed by some stranger in flannel pajama pants.

20. Rod “Green Balloons” Jetton: This Missouri State Rep. has a familiar M.O.:  Family Values GOP official who publicly chastises gays as sexual deviants and proclaims that consensual gay sex should be illegal. Will this man have his own issues, including a

You're new cellmate wants to play too!

random-ass “safe” word?  Of course.

Detective Bethany McDermott’s affidavit says Jetton went to the woman’s home around 9 p.m. Nov. 15 with two bottles of wine, which he allegedly opened alone in her kitchen. After drinking some of the wine and watching football, the statement said, the victim “began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times.“

The affidavit says Jetton and the alleged victim agreed on a safe word – “green balloons” – that could be used to stop sexual relations during the evening.

Instead, the affidavit says, Jetton hit her on the face and choked her before engaging in intercourse. Jetton allegedly said, “You should have said ‘green balloons,’ ” before leaving her home the next morning.

Jetton is rightly facing felony charges. So who’s the deviant, asshole?

If you’re in the Jefferson City area and looking to get down with some BDSM,  I’d steer clear of all Missouri GOP politicians.

19. Lance Armstrong: Let me count the ways. There may be no “I” in “team,” but there’s definitely a “lance” in “chemical imbalance.”

18. Jon & Kate Gosselin: These are my girlfriend’s docuhenozzles of the year, and who can blame her? Pay me. Watch me cry. Leave me alone. Pay me. We just want to be left alone. Watch me. Pay me. I don’t want the attention.  Shut the fuck up!

17. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger: I’ve had a lot to say about Mayor Daley, but I need to finish this list and Stroger is the easiest in-state target this side of a former Illinois governor. Pretty much any former governor.

This guy is so in over his head it’s hardly funny anymore.  He’s not even a good liar. And he calls himself a Chicago politician?  For shame.

16. Rumeal Robinson: Random, indeed. You may remember Rumeal as the University of Michigan guard who hit 2 free throws to beat Seton Hall in the 1989 NCAA championship game.  Or you more likely don’t remember him at all. Regardless, check out this story about Rumeal swindling his foster mother out of her house:

Ford, 65, is close to tears when she explains the day when a constable came to her door this past March and handed her an eviction notice — giving her one month to clear her home of her belongings and leave. Back in 2003, Robinson, now 43 years old and living in Florida, allegedly tricked his foster mother into signing over the deed to her own home — on a street named after him — and transferred the property to people unknown to her. They held the home as collateral in a suspected business transaction gone wrong.

In fairness, it is his street.

Ford’s attorney, Dennis Benzan, said he is seeking a civil suit against Robinson. But Benzan said Robinson has other legal troubles to deal with, separate from this case. Last month, the FBI arrested Robinson and charged him with conspiracy to commit bank fraud, bank bribery, false statement to a financial institution and wire fraud.’

Hail to the Douchebag.

Nozz

15. Jay Leno: Hey bud, congratulations on not rocking the boat for 20 years.  Let’s celebrate your inability to make people laugh by moving you to prime time.  Maybe some “fake headlines” and a Cameron Diaz interview?  Fantastic.

Weeknights at 9pm on NBC should be reserved for the Law & Order franchise.  For instance,  Law & Order: Maritime; Law & Order: Phil Spector Unit; Law & Order: Jersey Shore; and Law & Order: Tragic Staten Island Ferry Accident…or murder?

14. Max Baucus: This “public servant” has been under my skin the much of the year, truly proving the only ones that can let the dying Republican party back into power are Democrats like Baucus.  The Head of the Senate Finance Committee also happens to be one of the top recipients of health industry cash.  And who was drafting the Health Care Bill? Exactly.  Coincidentally, senior aide Liz Fowler, who reportedly drafted much of the Bill’s actual text, just happened to be Vice President of Public Policy and External Affairs for Wellpoint. You know Wellpoint, the insurance company whose stock just hit a 52-week high?  That one.  And in case your still wondering who Baucus answers to, his office sent K-Street copies of his Plan well-before a copy was sent to the White House.

And oh yeah, just in case nepotism was feeling overshadowed by corporate greed and conflict of interest, there was this little gem last month: Sen. Douchenoz nominated his girlfriend, Melodee Hanes, for Montana’s US Attorney position.

13. Brett Favre: This asshole just won’t go away.  After keeping the Green Bay Packers in limbo year-after-year while contemplating retirement, he went ahead and destroyed the New York Jets locker room (and season) last year.   Many thought this is the year the selfish fucker fades into retirement.  Not so lucky.  After hedging on whether to return for about 6 months, he joined the Minnesota Vikings (right at the end of training camp.)  While ESPN and others have spent 3 months in a constant Favre-gasm, cracks may beginning to show.  Despite being surrounded by arguably the most complete team in football, ‘09 Favre could very well end up like most other Favre versions:  a playoff disappointment and an over-sensitive locker room cancer.

12. Betsy McCaughey: If you listen to the Right’s apocalyptic paranoia about providing health care to some of themselves and their countrymen, there’s a good chance it came from  Ms. McCaughey.  The “liberal” media seemingly couldn’t get enough of the “objective” health care expert, as they routinely gave her a platform to spread her bullshit, including the “death panel” fallacy.  Of course, rarely was it disclosed that McCaughey was a member of the board of directors of the Cantel Medical Corporation  - all the way back on August 20, 2009.

11. Former Governors Rod Blagojevich, Elliot Spitzer, and Governor Mark Sanford: From Blago’s old school graft, to the diddling by the other 2 hypocrites, these guys helped make 2009 the year of the scandalous governor.  I’ve Blago’d the hell out of this site, but want to let him know he’s not forgotten.  As for the other 2 moralizing fucks, I hope never to hear from you again. Unfortunately, Sanford’s appropriation of funds for inter-continental adultery didn’t get him canned or shame the devout Christian into resigning.  See you next year?

10. Pope “Joey Ratz” Benedict XVI: Reinforcing his “old-school” reputation as a bigoted fucker, Jesus’ German Shepherd started off this year with a bang, lifting the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier.

Warning: Do not look directly at picture.

The Vatican said Saturday that Benedict rehabilitated the four as part of his efforts to bring Lefebvre’s Society of St. Pius X back into the Vatican’s fold.

But the move came just days after one of the four, British Bishop Richard Williamson, was shown in a Swedish state TV interview saying that historical evidence “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

This Williamson guy also thinks the U.S. staged 9/11.  If there’s a genocide denier in the Church, there’s a good chance His Eminence will promote him.  Benny’s denial doesn’t end with mass murder.  Here’s exactly what the 200 million Catholics of sub-Saharan Africa needed to hear:

As he made his way to Africa on Tuesday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that condoms were not the way to fight HIV/AIDS. Speaking to reporters on his flight to Cameroon he said that they “increase the problem.”

Really, doctor?  Wearing a mitre does not prevent you from being a supreme asshole.  I wish clarity for you in 2010, but expect you to be back in the running next year.

9.  Milton Bradley: In the storied yet shameful history of the Chicago Cubs franchise, it’s really really difficult to stand out as an all-time failure. But kudos to you, Milton. Not only were you a huge disappointment on the field, but you managed to overshadow your horrid play with 6 months of petulant behavior.  Top it off with a baseless accusation that a bunch of 3 year-olds are racists, and what do you get? Fucking docuhenozzle.  Thank you, Seattle Mariners.

8. Sarah Palin: This country’s biggest fraud could certainly be higher on this list.  However, as is consistent with her pattern of behavior, she doesn’t hold public office anymore after quitting on the people of Alaska.  The country’s most socialist governor then proceeded to proclaim we’re descending into socialist hell, “write” a score-settling book, spread a bunch a lies among her blind followers, and generally talk out of her ass.   A solid follow-up to her super docuhey 2008 performance.  I’ll have more on her before the end of the year.

7. Kanye West: Check this out – I’ve never typed the following sentence:   Kelly Clarkson is right. This guy is a total asshole.  Also, it’s easier to put up with Kanye’s antics when he’s putting out good music.  That doesn’t happen anymore.

6. Dick & Liz Cheney: Fun Fact about one of Dick’s 5 Vietnam deferments:

“On Oct. 6, 1965, the Selective Service lifted its ban against drafting married men who had no children. Nine months and two days later, Mr. Cheney’s first daughter, Elizabeth, was born.”

Aw snap. This chickenhawk did everything he could to keep himself out of harm’s way.  But if it’s you or your child? Go fuck yourself.

After 8 years of virtual silence and hostility towards the press, Dick couldn’t get enough of the camera in 2009.  Of course, the pawns at Fox, Politico, and CNN, let Cheney accuse Obama of treason and revise history without any challenging follow-ups, apparently fearful he would steal their spleens with his magic cane.  Any of the following would’ve been welcomed…

• And who was in charge of National Security on 9/11/01?
• Greeted as liberators?  6 mos.?  Financed by Iraqi oil $, etc…?
• Speaking of ‘dithering,’ what’s up with letting Bin Laden escape at Tora Bora in 2001?
• Speaking of war profiteerring, you liquidated $30 mil in Haliburton stock options during the 2000 campaign, but you kept how much?
• You said Obama’s 6 mos. reassessment of Afghanistan constitutes “dithering.”  How would you describe the Afghan policy of the previous 7 years?

While the war criminal doesn’t really give a shit about this country, he certainly succeeded in raising a daughter he could believe in. Liz, a “birther,” was more camera-hungry than her father.  But like her old man, she used heaps of bullshit to defend her father’s record and certainly believes his administration made 0 mistakes in 8 years.  By the way, Liz has 5 kids to brainwash.  There’s no end in sight.

5. Benjamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, et al.: The Iranians talk hate out of their ass. Daydreaming about nukeing a nation that never invaded a foreign country gives Bibi a hard-on.  Will this end well?  Not with these assholes around.

4. The “Teabaggers”: Gratuitous World wants to be clear:  This site supports grassroots protesting, and in general, the political

excuze mi?

involvement of the American citizenry.  However, when these people put down their Palin signs and picked up their hilariously misspelled tea party placards, it was almost too much to handle. Hey Gratuitous World – what do you mean, these people? I mean the kind of people who lose their shit over having to press “1″ for English. You know, Michelle Bachmann.

Obviously, the hypocrisy of these people who didn’t say shit about the destructive financial policies of Bush/Cheney, yet suddenly careabout “government spending” now that a strange black man is president is readily apparent.  But a couple things for these people:

• Socialism, Fascism, Communism, and Nazism are not all synonyms!  Turn down the radio and read a fucking book.
• Medicare is government-run.  Your sign doesn’t make any sense.
• It’s not really grassroots when you’re movement is being run by lobbyists like Dick Armey and being relentlessly promoted by the country’s most-watched cable news network.
• Your metaphor makes no sense.  The British law that eventually precipitated the Boston Tea Party was the Tea Act of 1773. One of the many inconsistencies of the wingnut tea bagging revolution is the unfortunate fact that the Tea Act was basically a corporate tax cut. As Cesca points out, “ the tea parties are emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut while also “going Galt” which is a protest against a corporate tax hike.  Adding… I think the Sons of Liberty, who boycotted corporate tea, would be flummoxed by the notion of the wingnuts tea baggers purchasing thousands of corporate tea bags.”

Finally, “teabagging” means to have a man insert his scrotum into another person’s mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion. You might want to check urbandictionary before naming your next movement something like “The Felchers.“

3. Ben Bernanke: Hopefully Z Systems will chime in on this one.  I was baffled when Time named Bernanke their “Man-of-the-Year.” Of course, if the magazine was still relevant, people might really care. Regardless, the Fed King helped us into a recession and was rewarded with another term.  Just one example of this man’s character is his ongoing dealings with AIG, where Bernanke, Geithner and the New York Fed, passed billions off ’so that certain organizations’ can receive yet more payoffs through the back door of the Federal Reserve (no questions asked).

I guess when there’s no oversight or accountability you can be a big time Douchenozzle and no one will ever know.

2. Glenn Beck: All you really need to know about Beck is that he yearns live in another time. More specifically, 9/12/01.  You remember 9/12/01- when everyone was confused, overwhelmed by tragedy, and scared shitless. Ah, those were the days. And who’s going to fear-monger us back to this time? Mr. Beck. Since his move to Fox, Beck has turned on the crazy, tuned in the radical, and dropped out of reality.

He has called the president a racist. He has implied Obama’s policies will set you on fire. He “thinks” FEMA is going to round you up and put you in death camps. HE MAKES BILL O’REILLY SEEM REASONABLE (occasionally).

His abilities as a snake-oil salesman are unparalleled.  Who else would readily admit to incest fantasies just to sell books? But one thing is certain, Beck is here to stay – at least until he crashes into flames he lit.   But in 2009, no one is flying higher in conservative circles than Mr. Beck.  No one uses more Hitler-comparisons.  And no one can revise history and develop baseless conspiracy theories like Glenn. A douchenozzle of the 1st degree.

One more thing, Glenn.  You’re going to have to get me one of those jump suits.

D.N.O.T.Y!

1.  Texas Governor Rick Perry: As a patriotic American, I have a problem with any public official who advocates secession, even if it’s in the form of insincere pandering. Any student of the Civil War knows the tragedy this country has endured. That’s why I wipe my ass with the Confederate flag. But secession talk alone doesn’t make you this big of a bastard.

While I rarely mess with Texas, I just can’t put aside my contempt for this man. Not only does he support executing the mentally ill, but the innocent as well. That’s why this dead-eyed fuck is such a dirtbag. Nothing is more important to Rick than himself and his career.  I guess that’s a theme that runs throughout this list. I posted on this issue here and here, so if you want see the details of while I despise the slimy d-bag please go there.

Me? I’m spent from all the hating.

So Rick Perry – You did it bud.  You’re actually a bigger Douchenozzle than Glenn Beck. Congrats and see you in 2010!

One More And He Gets A Free Sandwich

A 51-year-old Montana man with six drunken driving convictions has been charged again after testing nearly four times the legal limit for alcohol.

Earl Leo Rock pleaded not guilty to felony drunken driving Monday before District Judge G. Todd Baugh. Rock also was charged with felony criminal endangerment, driving with a suspended license and having an open alcohol container in a vehicle.

Deputy Yellowstone County Attorney Ingrid Rosenquist said Rock had drunken driving convictions in 1991, 1995, 1996, 1997 and two in 2001. In the most recent case, Rock is accused of driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.306 percent. He was arrested Dec. 16.

.306?  Good Lord.  If there’s one thing this country is good at, it’s putting people in prison.  Yet why is such dangerously selfish behavior constantly disregarded while authorities are quick to jail anyone possessing small amounts of certain drugs?

DUIs can also be rich people crimes. Similar reasoning exists for why harsher penalties long existed for crack as compared to cocaine. How is Representative X going to get his son out of  jail if there’s strictly legislated punishment for his crime? C’mon, America. DUIs only hurt people that get hurt or die from drinking & driving accidents.

Earl Leo Rock – You’re a bastard.